Signs of the Times, Issue No. 9 - 05/27/08

In a world where the economy is slumping, where presidential approval is on the decline, and where gas prices show no sign of ever slowing, there is one thing that brings comfort and hope to the masses... Standing as a bright, shining beacon to all nations, ladies and gentlemen, today is TUESDAY!


Greetings to one and all from Jive City on another beautiful Tuesday. After yesterday's weather, of course, really anything could classify as "beautiful." I heard lightning strike closer than I have since the finale of "The District" back in the Craig T. Nelson era. It was crazy. Anyway, there is a lot to talk about today, such as, but not necessarily limited to, joining "blogspace," pool parties with midgets, the good, the bad, and the Indy. On we go!


If you've heard the rumors, they're true! You can now read "Signs of the Times" online at www.signsofthetimesnewsletter.blogspot.com. This comes as a result of the difficulties I have experienced with Yahoo! Mail as I have tried to send this to so many loyal Subscribers. Many recipients have contacted me and asked why they have not been getting the Newsletter and others have constantly had to search their Spam boxes every Tuesday. Thus, I believe that posting "Signs of the Times" on blogspot.com will not only eliminate that problem, but will also allow for easier feedback, permitting readers to simply post comments when they reach the end of the Newsletter. Long gone are the painstaking days of actually having to send me an email. Now you can let me and all other Signs of the Timers out there know how you feel with the mere click of a button! You heard it here first, folks - check out the newest addition to the blogging cyberworld at www.signsofthetimesnewsletter.blogspot.com. The world awaits!


It is time once again for a recurring question that must be asked to the world at large - "What on Earth is Kobe Bryant thinking??" I didn't want to ever mention him again after last week, but seriously - he's in the heat of the playoffs, recently won the most coveted individual award in the entire NBA, and what does he go out and do? Have a pool party with a bunch of midgets. Have you seen the commercial? I don't get it, honestly. He already had that fake commercial that everybody thought was real where he jumps over a car (was I the only one secretly hoping he'd end his season early due to injury?), which is similar to the commercials where Michael Vick supposedly throws a football out of the stadium from the goal line (yeah right!) and LeBron James keeps sinking full court shots. Now he's in a commercial where a bunch of midgets keep pushing themselves into a pool. Then, from out of nowhere, he jumps over the pool to dunk a basketball into a hoop on the other side. Not only does the jump look ridiculously computer-generated, but don't you think that Mr. Bryant should have other things on his mind at such a crucial part of the postseason? But then again, he's Kobe Bryant. He can do whatever he wants. Right, Joey Crawford?


GOOD versus EVIL
Last week we introduced the epic battle that is herein known as "Good versus Evil," pitting several famous rivals against each other in the ultimate tag team match and asked you to tell me who you think would win. Well, the results are in and this is what has been decided:
Mario vs. Bowser: Small, red plumber versus big, green dinosaur. A classic battle that has raged for decades from two-dimensional clouds to three-dimensional lava pits and is currently pitting them up against one another in car racing, soccer, baseball, and board game. Let's honestly ask ourselves - When was the last time Bowser ever won anything? Never! However, Signs of the Timers believe the time has come, almost unanimously declaring as with the voice of King Bowser himself, that the Bad Guys win this one, sending Mario back to the Mushroom Kingdom defeated and virtually empty-handed.
Xavier vs. Magneto: It's mind over metal in this one, people. Though Professor Charles Xavier was outlasted by his nemesis in recent cinematography, it seems that the general consensus believes he always had the upper hand. Today, Professor X and his psychic abilities put Magneto and his iron bending capacity to rest.
Skywalker vs. Vader: Let's step out of our literal minds here for just one second. Set aside any deaths, bad acting, or awkward family reunions through which the Skywalkers may have passed. Sit back in your THX theater and imagine Vader vs. Luke in the new millennium. After the air chokes, arm slices, double-crosses, backflips, pod races, and family secrets are done, loyal Subscribers have spoken and it's Luke who is laid to burn in the traditional fiery grave, proving that Darth Vader is once again ruler of the galactic skies.
Potter vs. Voldemort: I was a believer for a very long time that Harry Potter was a whining brat that didn't stand a chance against the Dark Lord. However, in the last two books, several of the weaknesses of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named were exposed, seemingly giving an advantage to the Boy Who Lived. The ending of the seventh book will shock even the most avid of fans, but the fact that Pottermaniacs nationwide have decided that he would defeat Voldemort here at "Signs of the Times" shouldn't have been kept secret for too long. Long live Harry Potter, the Big H.P.
OUTCOME: 2-2. In this epic Internet tug-of-war, a winner must be chosen. The individual battles have been waged, but the collective war is not yet won. Several Subscribers voiced their opinions for the one-on-one match ups, but every single reader (Editor's note: except for one late entry) that voted for a team (as a whole) cried out in proverbial unison, "Good guys!" Thus, the last enemy to be destroyed is not death, as some have said, but is indeed evil. Today in the Feel Good world in which we live, evil is vanquished and the forces of righteousness, magic sticks, and mushrooms triumph once again. Thank you for your participation in making this a ground-breaking event in Newsletter history.


**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q. "Dear Aaron,
I was wondering what your opinion was on the Bluetooth. Is it a new style... or is it tearing families apart?"
- Love, your sister, Amy

A. It's funny you should ask, Amos. Perhaps you recalled the other day when we saw a family entering the supermarket. The father and the oldest son, probably 10 or 11 years of age, were both equipped with a Bluetooth - or, shall we say, Blueteeth? A singular Bluetooth is annoying enough to me. It makes people look dumb. But seeing father and son, dually equipped made me gag. What? Are they going to call each other?? "Hi dad." "Hi son." "Bye dad." "Bye son." "Oh yeah, hey dad?" "Yes, son?" "Can you pass the salt?" "Hang on, son, I need to download an attachment. What did you say?" "The salt, dad?" "Oh, sure son." Amy, I argue that the Bluetooth is tearing families apart and causing more division than a root canal.


Q. Dear Signs and Times,
"We demand a refund. We recently saw 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' and were sorely disappointed, to say the least. What explanation do you have for us?"
- Disgruntled, former Lucas fans

A. You should have done what I did. I saw the movie and I enjoyed it. And do you know why I enjoyed it? Because I heard too many people talking crap about my Indy and I went in with... er... lower expectations. You've got to embrace the corny dialogue. That's vintage Henry Jones, Jr. You've gotta love the totally fake sound effects every time he throws a punch. And well... You have to accept the fact that George Lucas has two decades of CGI he's been waiting to use instead of pistols and whips. Were there a few things I didn't ever see coming in an Indiana Jones movie? Yes. But nonetheless, I enjoyed it and would even consider seeing it again (dodges incoming stones and arrows). Harrison Ford is still the man and - mark my words - I was looking at an article on MSN.com the other day about who the next great action star will be - Shia LeBeouf - next great action star. I can see it now. I didn't want to acknowledge it, but it's true, baby. It's dang true. So for all of you haters out there who haven't seen the movie, I suggest my inverse-Napoleon pills (touchy subject, I know). Go into Indiana Jones 4 with the opposite attitude you went into Napoleon Dynamite for after your friends told you how "great" it was and I think you'll end up fine. Truth, justice, and the Indiana way!


The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to our friend, little David Archuleta, American Idol runner-up 2008. Good job, buddy. I'm glad you were able to perform so many benefits concerts for children recently. I assure you - there is no need to cry. You will be taken care of very well by your adoring public. And if you really want, I can put you up against David Cook in a deathmatch in a couple Issues. Just have your people contact my people and we'll take it from there.


That's about it for this week. Hope you've enjoyed it. Hope you've been able to vent a little bit about how much you hated Indiana Jones. Hope you've grown a little bit intellectually. Remember to email your questions in to me at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com. Also keep in mind that I'm still looking for a worthy candidate for the Two Minute Instant Message. And also, make sure that you check out "Signs of the Times" online at http://www.signsofthetimesnewsletter.blogspot.com/, where you can post comment and also see what others have to say about the most recent Issues.


Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron