He couldn't find the newspaper. His parents were watching TV, so the satellite wasn't an option at the moment. He doesn't get updates texted to his nice, red cell phone that he got for free, either. There was nothing good on the radio. Nobody cares about the NFL draft, anyway. The number one pick is just going to get injured in a year or two, anyway. What is this garbage? There had to be something else better to do.
Greetings to one and all on a lovely, lovely Tuesday night. And of all the nights of the week, I believe this would have to be one of my favorites. Much has happened in the last seven days, especially in the Salt Lake sporting Valley, thus, I have much to discuss. The topics to be discussed today are, but not limited to, biased sportscasting, the difference between me and the Bearded Wonder, a step into the technological frontier, and the debut of a new segment! I'm excited for this Time - On we go!
Let me say, first of all, that due to the NBA playoffs, I have developed an obsession to sports talk that I have not experienced in who knows how long. It's crazy, though. I wake up. I get ready. I watch Sportscenter while I eat. I go to work. On break, I look at NBA.com and the homepages for the Jazz and Rockets. I drive to lunch and listen to sports radio. Then again on the way home. And every other night or so, I get to watch the Jazz whoop somebody. It's a beautiful life. Anyhoo, the point I'm trying to make is that this morning, as I watched my morningly ESPN, a story about Miami Dolphins defensive back, Jason Taylor, came on. Reportedly, his future with the team depends on who the Dolphins select in the upcoming draft. Honestly, I was a little bummed at that. I was thinking his stay with the team would depend on whether or not he wins "Dancing with the Stars." Only in a perfect world....
There has recently been a lot of controversy over the Cavaliers-Wizards series in the NBA's Eastern Conference. The root of the problem is coming from two players for the Wizards who made negative comments concerning their opponents. This has created quite a physical match-up between the teams, which has usually resulted in LeBron James being tossed to the ground four or five times every game. Truth be told, I like it. It's no secret that I've never - EVER - been a LeBron fan, so I don't mind seeing a little blood here and there. I get the feeling that most of the nation doesn't share the same sentiments I have, though. Every day I watch those biased sportscasters on ESPN shed a few tears for poor little LeBron. Blah blah blah... don't hurt LeBron. Come on... I thought they weren't supposed to take sides. Clearly, they're cheering for Cleveland. They want the Cavs to pummel the Wizards now, partly due to the abuse "King James" is taking, and also for the verbal abuse dished out by the other players.. Stop cheering for LeBron when you're on the air. And stop showing Tracy McGrady highlights when he can't even win a game. And while I'm at it, stop leading into the Jazz-Rockets games as an "upset special." The only ones that are upset are you freaks since you want Houston to win so bad. Maybe next year.
As stated previously, several Wizards made disparaging comments towards the Cavaliers last week. One of them was DeShawn Stevenson, former Jazzman and current bearded wonder. DeShawn called LeBron "overrated" and now everybody's ticked off, especially after Stevenson hit a three pointer last night and taunted James as he back-peddled down the court. ESPN analysts flipped over this, saying, "Who are you, man? Seriously?" They're really ripping on him since the Wizards lost the game by 30 and he only scored 12 points. Uh... Last time I checked, I couldn't remember the last time DeShawn scored 12 points in a game, so if I was there, I'd probably be blowing on his fingers, too. Back to the biases, if LeBron slams one home and runs down the court pointing to his biceps, that's all right, isn't it. I feel like DeShawn and I are like kindred spirits. What is the similarity there? Well, clearly, we've both called LeBron "overrated." Sue me. I think he is. If he hasn't even won a championship yet and he's only like 24 or whatever, you can't call him the greatest of all time. So... More power to you, DeShawn. What are the differences between us? I see two - 1) Facial hair and 2) LeBron hasn't ever beat me by thirty. I bet he never will. Over. Rated.
All right... I don't know if this is a good idea, but I'm about to check my Subscriber Mail... Last week proved virtually fruitless, but we'll see what we can do this week...
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "How does a microphone work?"
- Ryan and Shandee Goulding
A. Well... we could get really technical here, but for time's sake, I'll tell you that a condenser mike is used for studio recordings and a dynamic mike is used for liver performances. A cardiod mike picks up sound in a heart-shaped area in front and on the sides, but rejects sound from behind. A supercardiod mike picks up sound in a rounder area than the cardiod, rejects more sound from the sides, and picks up a little bit of noise from 180 degrees. And finally, a hypercardiod mike rejects all sound from the sides and a slight bit more sound from behind than the supercardiod. That's not even getting into diaphragms and stuff like that... so um... maybe next Time. Thanks for the question.
Q. "Dear Abby, uh, I mean, Aaron,
I've got a bad case of cabin fever - any suggestions?"
- Your loving Mother
A. You didn't move to Texas, did you? I'm telling you! They'll get you out "right quick," as they say in the South.
Q. "How does your belt stay up?"
- Jason Larsen
A. My pants hold it in place.
Q. Letter to the Editor:
"If two trains leave Chicago and Los Angeles at the same time, what are the chances that anyone cares that they will cross each other at a certain time?"
- Richard Brunson
A.
Q. Dear Aaron,
"The Jazz are headed for the playoffs - how far do you think they'll go this year?"
- Just Curious,
The Junior Mounties
A. (SALUTE!) Well, I've kind of talked about the series already, but here's the deal. There is no way on the planet that the Rockets can dig their way out of the hole they're currently in, unless it's up to ESPN. Even last night after the game (which we won, might I add...), Tracy McGrady was in a press conference whining about their loss and all they were showing were highlights of him dunking it and Jazz players getting blocked. Um... HELLO!?! They LOST!! So I'm predicting sweep. I've been predicting it for a long time now. Before the first game, I said the Jazz would take it in five, but after the first game, it was over, baby. Over. If we can make it past the Lakers and Spurs, we'll win it all. Those are the only teams I'm ever remotely worried about. So... We'll see how it goes. But if we can get a glimpse of daylight, we'll win it all.
Ah... It's good to have questions again. Remember, you can submit your questions to me via email at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com.
Now's it's time to debut a new segment for the Newsletter that I'd like to call the Two Minute Instant Message. Simply put, the following text will be a cleaned-up and correctly punctuated IM conversation held between me and a loyal "Signs of the Times-er." This week's guest is none other than Newsletter regular, Austin Christensen, my beloved sibling. To save on space and monotony, Aaron is blue and Austin is red. For those of you without color capabilities, first of all, I'm sorry, and secondly, if you alternate lines, you should be fine. Let's see how this goes. And I quote:
All right, Junior. This is a new thing called the "Two Minute Instant Message." Should be interesting... We'll start on my mark........ GO!
So tell me, Austin - what do you think about these new Subway deals?
The 5 dollar foot-long?
Yes - that one… …Type faster…
Sorry… Rip off...it should be the 1 dollar five foot-long. That's what I say.
Yeah, I agree... at least the song is catchy, though.
It is... I've been humming it all day.
I know the motions, too... like a little jolly dance… Mom and Cody can harmonize to it. It's crazy!
Sounds like it.
Plus, you get to see Godzilla, too, so it's kind of cool.
That's true…
So have you gotten the deal before?
No I think I will go partake in about 5 (minutes) though... I'm rather hungry.
Are you sure you want it - sounds kind of pricy... They just hook you with the song and dance.
The Chicken Bacon Ranch is sounding delectable right now... Que buenísimo!
All right, buddy. Time's up... Any final comments?
I hope everyone watches the Jazz game on Thursday with a box of tissues for T-Mac and a broom.
Can do.
Now I'll go have my chicken bacon ranch.
Let me know if Godzilla is waiting for you outside.
Ok, sounds good.
"Five dollar foot-looooooong"
“One dollar five foot-looooooong!”
Haha!
Sorry I couldn't type faster…
Don't worry – Luckily, they'll read it faster than you typed it.
If you are interested in participating in an upcoming "Two Minute Instant Message," add me to your MSN Messenger as tarheelglory19@hotmail.com. Just don't email me there.
Now it's time for the Shoutout of the Week. There are two Shoutouts this week - one real one and one fantasy one. We'll start with the real one. It would be better that way.
Anyway, "Sistah" Ruth Anderson - the most loyal Subscriber on the East Coast. You're the best! I miss you guys.
And Stan Johnson, new Utah Utes assistant basketball coach. You remember me, don't you Stan? Come on! You coached me at basketball camp like seven years ago! You don't remember that?
Whew! That's about it for this Time. I hope you enjoyed it. And if you didn't, you probably didn't make it this far. At least that way I'll never know that you didn't like it. All righty, you folks take care of yourselves out there for another semana. Just take a moment and soak it in - it may not be the weekend, but today you can Feel Good About Yourself.
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
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