Looks like Santa's coming to town... in a PANZER!
Greetings, this is Aaron Christensen bringing you another action-packed Issue of "Signs of the Times," just hours removed from a four-hour audio editing session. It'll be good to get this week over with. Once again, there is a ton to talk about today. Topics to be discussed: The nose wax, "Rekindling the Hollywood Flame," my favorite winter activity, the return of the Top Five, ratings on the rise, and the argument my mom will never live down. On we go!
The Question on everybody's lips (everybody's chapped lips) is why on Earth I would get a nose wax. Yes, it's true. For those of you that haven't heard, I had all the hairs in my nose ripped out over the weekend. Allow me to explain. On Thanksgiving, I was up at my grandpa's house and I overheard one of my cousins talking to Cody, explaining that she was attending a beauty school and needed people to practice on. She started naming off things that she could do to him for free, e.g., manicures, facials, etc., and this peaked my interest - not because I'm a big fan of pedicures, but because free stuff is the best. I volunteered myself to help her out and she said she could give me a nose wax the next weekend. I had never heard of a nose wax, but it sounded pretty dang funny. Newsletter gold, I thought. If it hadn't been free and if she wasn't my cousin, I probably wouldn't have done it, but I'd sold my soul and had an appointment for Saturday. So the next Saturday at 10:00, I showed up at the cosmetology school across from my neighborhood. As soon as I walked in, I froze up. There were women and gay guys everywhere - sitting in those weird hair drying chairs, getting their nails done, gossiping near the stairs. I didn't know what to do. I thought we were going to do it, like, in her kitchen or something. I didn't know there would be other people there watching me! I called my cousin in hopes that she would come down and find me. She answered and told me to go to the front desk and tell them who I was there to see and what I was there to do. "NO!" I yelled. But within moments, I was up by the front desk, blushing, and saying the most embarrassing thing I've probably ever said. "Aaron Christensen, nose wax with Whitney Bullock?" The receptionist laughed and told me it didn't hurt that bad. They took me downstairs to a place that looked eerily like that one part of the movie "Taken." Dimly lit hallways, curtains on every side, super creepy music playing in the background. I was a little weirded out, as the kids say. They took me into one of the booths, shut the curtain, and sat me down. As my cousin inserted a Popsicle stick with warm wax into my left nostril, I couldn't help but laugh. What was I doing? After a few minutes of my cousin and two other women teasing me and trying to talk me into getting a bikini wax, the time had come. RIP! And it didn't come out. Another tug and the stick came free. It hurt a little the first Time when it didn't come out, but it wasn't that bad the second Time. I was a little loopy at the time and can't remember distinctly what happened. The second stick was inserted into my other nostril and, once the wax had hardened, my cousin pulled it out quickly, successfully excavating my nasal cavity. That Time, it actually felt pretty Good. I could at once breathe perfectly through my nose. It didn't really hurt at all, actually. It was super embarrassing to ask for, but I think I kinda like it.
Sniff, sniff!
Looking back on it, was it worth it? Sure. It was free! It Feels Good. I've never been able to breathe so effortlessly in my life. I remember waking up on Sunday morning and inhaling through my nose, then thinking "WOW!" Do I Feel like a woman? Yeah, a little bit, but as I explained in my Facebook Video Exploit, I also Feel like a new man. Would I do it again? Hmm... Maybe. We'll see, I guess. But it really wasn't that bad - and the ladies totally liked it. Watch the video and you'll see what I mean. Would I recommend it? Sure. Even if you have to pay, it's only five bucks ($2.50/nostril), so that's not that bad. Now let's all just take a moment and take some deep breaths... through the nose. Ahhhhhhhhhh... Check out the Facebook documentation here - http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1261181005642.
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "What is your favorite holiday tradition and why?"
- Tyson (That Big Guy)
A. Well, big man, I'm going to have to say... There are a lot of good memories, including the Trans-Christensen Orchestra, family Christmas parties, and listening to Christmas music. But one of my favorite memories of Christmas would be "Rekindling the Hollywood Flame" with Elder Shane Baldwin in 2006. It was my first Christmas away from home and I was living in Raleigh, North Carolina. I lived with one of my favorite non-companions, Elder Baldwin, an English missionary from Sandy, Utah. We (the Spanish missionaries) and they (the English missionaries) would usually be home for lunch at about the same Time every day, so Elder Baldwin and I started recording "radio shows" on my tape recorder every afternoon. We talked about lots of things - Santa and his bucket of coal (according to Elder Butler, he doesn't keep it in a bag), igloos, penguins, and pretty much everything imaginable. Our favorite thing to do was something we called "Rekindling the Hollywood Flame," in which we would quote old Christmas movies, like "Home Alone" and "The Santa Clause." My favorite quote was Elder Baldwin quoting "The Santa Clause"'s Scott Calvin in his board meeting. "Well, I certainly hope you kids have been good this year because it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home! Incoming!!"
Burn, baby, burn.
Q. "Aaron,
What is your favorite winter activity? (Assume the weather conditions are as follows: about a foot to a foot and a half of snow on the ground, clear roads, no blistering cold wind, and no heavy snowfall, but maybe some light flurries throughout the day.)"
- Mandy
A. Rock Band.
'Tis the season! Submit your holiday Questions to "Signs of the Times" via email - tarheelglory19@yahoo.com
It's Time to bring back a segment we haven't seen in a while. It's called Top Five and was last used way back in Issue No. 37 at the end of fall semester at Snow College. As requested by Scott Aylett, this Top Five segment will be dedicated to old school toys. Let's take a look at the Top Five retro Christmas presents for this shopping season in no particular order:
NERF WEAPONS:
Nerf weapons never went out of style. At my house, they just always ended up getting eaten by Austin. Styrofoam arrows are much less aerodynamic with bite marks in them.
THE SLINKY:
Slinkies were always cool. They're cool to play with. They're cool to tumble down the stairs, unless your stairs are too big, like mine always were. They're cool to talk into and see if your friend on the other side of the room can hear you. But they're not cool to untangle.
THAT CRAZY THING WHERE IT MAKES AN IMPRESSION OF YOUR HAND/FACE:
Know what I'm talking about? This thing is always filled with little neon green or orange needle things and when you put your hand on it, it makes an impression of your fingers on the other side... Remember that thing? I have no idea what it was called, but it was awesome, especially when you put it on your face.
Thanks to Andrea Chapman for sending in these pictures.
SILLY PUTTY:
Silly putty is a nice retro toy because it is very versatile. You can bounce it, stretch it, make it pop, build stuff out of it, and even copy comic strips on it. It doesn't taste good, though.
A GIANT, PLASTIC CAR:
Everybody had one. I had one, my brothers had one. They were fantastic. Why? Because they didn't need gas to go anywhere. You could take it inside, outside, virtually anywhere. I think auto retailers could really learn a thing or two from these bulky things. You had to run them Flintstones style - with pure man power. And you were never upset when you were driving one of them. Did you ever see an angry little kid in a big plastic car? I guess that depends which state you grew up in.
You betcha.
And now for the Top Five reasons why Santa is the man, as submitted by Loyal Subscribers:
POWER OVER LAWS OF NATURE: (submitted by Candace Hanks)
He's morbidly obese, but has lived for a long time. (Good point.)
HE DRINKS COKE: (submitted by Fred Rodriguez)
Fred explained to me that Santa is not only big, but also jolly - and that all stems from the fact that he loves drinking Coca-Cola. At night. Probably gives him lots of energy.
FOR SANTA, IT'S OK TO BE FAT: (submitted by Sara V. Martinez)
Who cares about "The Biggest Loser"? Santa eats all the cookies he wants and doesn't care that he's out of shape.
NAUGHTY LIST: (submitted by Jenny "Penguin" Walker)
[Direct quote] I don't think Santa is "the man." - Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!! (This week's Boo Box is brought to you by the letter "H" and the letter "O.")
SUPER POWERS: (submitted by J. Scott Aylett)
He makes toys for free, flies around in a reindeer-propelled sleigh, has the ability to eat thousands of cookies and drink gallons upon gallons of milk without vomiting, can suck his enormous belly down any chimney, and has the quickness to do all of this in one night. (Scott has a hard enough time finishing one homework assignment in one week.)
He loves that snowman dearly.
And finally, the Top Five merchandise ideas for Aaron J. Christensen's illustrious career:
A-TOWN HEADBANDS:
These would have been hot sellers down in Ephraim. Nothing says you mean business like the desire to keep the sweat out of your eyes. My mom would hate this one, though, and would have them banned from the dinner table.
BOO BOX SHIRTS:
Express your displeasure everywhere you go by sporting a lovely "Boo Box" tee.
JUNIOR MOUNTIES HATS:
Put on your thinking cap, everybody. It's time to get Curious with brand new Junior Mounties hats! (SALUTE!)
"THAT'S P.M.U.!!" SWEAT PANTS:
Right on the buttocks. Uh huh. P.M.U.
MOVE IT! SELL IT! AND GET THE CAN OPENERS!:
Never in your life will you ever see such a stylish can opener. Just make sure the PLT kids don't see you with it or they'll try to steal it back.
Coincidentally, the name of my first-place basketball team...
This just in - Shane Baldwin, himself, has agreed to Rekindle the Hollywood Flame in next week's "Signs of the Times." You won't want to miss that.
The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to....... Arianna Quinto, Andrea Chapman, Cameron Anderson, Susanna "Sister Picture Lady" Robinson, Harper Anderson, and Jason Eyre, all of whom asked to receive "Signs of the Times" via email. I'm Feeling it. For a while, I Felt that the Newsletter was losing popularity and that some Issues were slightly more... sub-par... than others, but my Scubatron, the invisible ratings detector which I borrowed from the KAGE's Manly Men, Jason the Barbarian and Mason the Brick, is telling me that ratings are UP! Way up right now... And that's a Good thing.
It's Time for the Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week. Actually, you know what? Nobody really cares. I'm still in first place, so it doesn't really matter, does it? Here's the deal. I do this Pick 'Em league every year, where you try to accurately predict the winners of all the NFL games each week. My mom beats everyone every single year and it's getting really tiring. She always rubs it in and I'm sick of hearing about it, quite honestly. She keeps nagging me every week - "I deserve aFantasy Football Shoutout!" "No, Mom. First of all, you're mixing your segments together. There's no such thing as a 'Fantasy Football Shoutout,' and if there were, you're not even in that league, anyway!" But she keeps insisting that I dedicate a segment of the Newsletter to her if she wins. I say no, but just to get her off my back, I said that I'd put up a poll on the blog site this week. So please, vote for the polls this week. I'll have three of them. Please check them out and vote NO for whether or not my mom should get a segment dedicated to her imminent victory.
No, Mom. No.
Speaking of the blog polls, the final result for whether or not I'm a genius ended up being 8-0. Boo yah. The thing that disturbs me, though is that there was also a poll about the IQ of Max Hall, BYU's idiotic quarterback. The result? 5 - Moron, 2 - Genius. Who voted for "genius"? That's P.M.U.!!
That's about it for this week. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take some more deep breaths through my nose.
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
