I'm pretty sure I've heard that sound before, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Man, I'm sure thirsty though...
Greetings to one and all once again from the glorious land of Ephraim, Utah. 'Tis I, Aaron, that once again sends you this electronic Newsletter on an absolutely beautiful Tuesday afternoon! This weather is still just confusing the heck out of me. It's been snowing for two days and now there's not a cloud in the sky and it's like sixty degrees out there again. Dang. I don't know what to make of it. But how about this, we get on to business? Topics to be discussed today include: An interesting email, late night deliriousness, inconsequential future events, allegorical reasoning, timepieces, sheer disappointment, and Mormon Woodstock. On we go!
I got an interesting email the other day:
"Hello, Friend.
This, like other e-mails, is short on length and civilized pleasantries.
These are topics I would find amusing if discussed in SotT:
Stories involving late night deliriousness
Off-hand predictions about inconsequential future events, along with invented probabilities of success
Allegorical representations of life in a) Ephraim; b) Utah; -OR- c) College"
Your continuing authorship of this publication is pleasing to me.
-Dallin
(I don't know why I made that e-mail so cryptic and sans-personality)
That's very interesting, Dallin. Thanks for the suggestions. You know, I've been thinking about these topics a little bit and I think I can help you out. Let me know if I live up to your expectations.
STORIES INVOLVING LATE NIGHT DELIRIOUSNESS:
I've got two stories for you. First of all, I start with another crazy party held at Park Place #I-45 last Friday night. We had a party two weeks ago that I believe I mentioned in my last Issue. This one was somewhat similar and somewhat different simultaneously. Last Friday's festivities included an intense game of the newest edition of the fabled board game, Clue, during which I ended up screaming pretty loud, prompting frightened facial expressions from the young women who were present. I just really wanted to win, and with the introduction of new intrigue and clock cards, the game got a little heated. Following the game of Clue, we tried our hands at a few minutes of Burnout: Paradise, which has become a group favorite. After Burnout was through, however, we ended up sitting around and flipping through Mad Gab cards for a few minutes while listening to the popular radio show, "The Church of Rock." We had a good time calling in to the station and requesting songs. Jenna, one of the girls at the party even formed a blossoming relationship with DJ, though they had never previously met. When said radio program had ended, we decided that we wanted to invite over the man himself, the Honorable Reverend Royal Bateman. Within moments, the Reverend arrived at the apartment and plopped himself down on the couch. Jenna continued to text message Royal and he still had no idea who she was. He kept making comments about her like, "She's probably a dude," and, "She didn't really have an attractive voice on the phone," which was pretty hilarious to all of us. Jenna kept getting more and more outrageous with her texts, asking if she could massage his feet and clip his toe nails, etc. Eventually, after hours of hilarious conversation, we got Royal to agree to meet her outside our apartment. We sent him out there twice unsuccessfully because it was too hard to get him and Jenna outside at the same time without it being a surprise. We told him a lot of things that weren't necessarily truthful that night, one of which was that Jenna lived next door to us, so he actually went over and knocked on the door at about 1:30 in the morning, which we weren't exactly expecting. Luckily, nobody answered the door. Finally, we got Jenna to actually answer her phone in the same room as Royal after he had called her about five times. Needless to say, he was pretty shocked that the girl he had been texting the entire night had been in the same apartment with him for about two and a half hours. This was perhaps one of the best pranks I have ever pulled, aside from the time that we convinced Elder Woolsey that we were trying to buy marijuana to take it away from a less-active member. That was pretty classic. Royal will be guest starring on my show, "City Council," tonight so if you're interested in hearing what happens when Royal and I go out on the town, tune in from 10PM - midnight at www.snow.edu/kage.
The other story involving late night deliriousness happened just last night. I fell asleep at about 12:30 or so after watching the entire first disc of Lost: Season One with my friend, Whitney Jones. I had only been asleep for less than an hour when I woke up in a sweat. I heard something really loud, but wasn't sure what it was. I looked at the clock - it was sometime in between 1:22 and 1:28, but I can't exactly remember. I got out of bed and walked around for a second, when I suddenly recognized the loud beeping noise - it was the smoke detector. I hurried out to the kitchen, only to find that nothing was on fire. The only other roommate to be awakened by the disturbance stood on the stairs with his head perched on the half-wall that led upstairs. He said something to me that I didn't understand and I said something back to him that was probably "I don't know why THAT's going off..." I felt like an idiot as soon as I said it. I got a drink, turned down the thermostat to about 65 and then went back to sleep. I woke up freezing about five hours later.
OFF-HAND PREDICTIONS ABOUT INCONSEQUENTIAL FUTURE EVENTS, ALONG WITH INVENTED PROBABILITIES OF SUCCESS:
I went to www.google.com and searched for "inconsequential future events" and the first thing that popped up was an article about Hyundai Motor Company. I skimmed the article and honestly couldn't understand a lot of it. Lots of three-letter abbreviations in all caps and big numbers. Anyway, I think that the article was talking about a recall for seatbelts. Hyundai has to come up with a new kind of seatbelt to replace the ones that aren't working right. My analysis of this article can be summed up in one word: "Inconsequential." As for my invented probability of success, I'd say that this seatbelt replacement movement will affect a group of American citizens ranging from small to non-existant.
ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATIONS OF LIFE IN A) EPHRAIM; B) UTAH; -OR- C) COLLEGE:
I'm not much of an allegoric (totally made that up), but I do have something that I could talk about concerning life in Ephraim... I may have brought this up in a past Newsletter or two, but the locals here in Ephraim are something else. In the upcoming weeks as my stay here in Ephraim comes to a close, I plan on more closely observing their habits, community rituals, and overall ways of life so I can make what I'd like to consider a documentary in the style of "The District." I believe this one will be called... "The Locals." It should be a good one. I'll keep you posted.
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "Please answer this question:
What kind of watch do you wear (or do you wear one at all)?"
- Dallin
A. Well, I have a cheap Mossimo watch that I bought at Target for fifteen bucks a couple weeks after I got back from my mission. It's pretty awesome, though. In fact, I got three compliments about it just yesterday! However, my watch has recently been the source of several problems. As I was doing laundry on Friday afternoon, I cut my right index finger on it, so that was kind of strange. Then, out of nowhere, I noticed that I have somehow scratched/dented the face. That's extremely bothersome to me since I'm slightly OCD and a bit of a (dare I say it) pretty boy. But fortunately, as the Subway cashier pointed out, at least the scratch is dead center, right above the twelve.
Q. "Dear Aaron,
How's your bracket doing?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties
A. I don't want to talk about it. (Salute.)
It's time once again for The Week in Review! This week I have something interesting to review: The Hare Krishna Festival of Colors that I attended on Saturday afternoon. Perhaps you've heard of this crazy thing. Basically, these Hindu peeps throw a huge festival where tons and tons of people meet at their temple near Spanish Fork and Payson. Upon initiation of the ceremony, a fake witch is burned and then everyone in attendance throws colored chalk in the air. Chalk subsequently gets all over the place and everyone starts chanting this weird phrase over and over and over while some band plays music and a guy who sounds like the second coming of the B-52s sings the words over and over and over and over and over and over and over. They pretty much engrain that dang chant into your head, so even the next day as I was showering, I was still singing the song. Anyway, the festival was kind of like a Mormon Woodstock, in the sense that there were thousands and thousands of college kids there, but nobody was taking their clothes off, thank Heaven. Things got a little crazy, however, when I, along with two female friends, were separated from the rest of our group. All of us had left our cell phones in the car as to not corrupt them with powder, so I obviously got a little worried. One of the girls got separated from everybody for probably about thirty seconds or so, which seemed like an eternity, and the other one kept getting stepped on. Because we had no idea where the other guys were, we ended up pretty much just standing there for a while until we found them. While standing there, we fell prey to multiple errant crowd surfers that kicked me in the back of the head about five times and one of the girls got knocked to the ground, which was pretty frightening. I'm a relatively claustrophobic person, but I didn't get claustrophobic the entire time. I sure thought about it, though. That place was super crazy. It was overall a pretty good experience. I mean, I've never been to anything like that in my life before. Though I'm pretty sure that there were multiple safety hazards, such as flying shoes (I caught one in the stomach - good thing I have abs of steel, eh?), it was an interesting way to spend a Saturday. Not a waste of time, by any means. I've got some pretty crazy pictures up on Facebook, if you're interested. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give the Festival of Colors about a seven or an eight.
All right everyone. It's time for The Boo Box! Going right along with the whole Festival of Colors deal, I'm going to have to boo crowd surfers this week. There was a hilarious incident involving my friend Jason on Saturday, however, but seriously, if you ever try to crowd surf down a huge hill of people again, I might do something drastic. That's a brilliant idea, isn't it? Let's start somebody way at the top of this steep hill and send them down to the front! I was wondering why so many people were getting dropped and landing flat on their backs, but then I figured it out. Keep in mind which way the crowd is facing... FORWARD! Nobody saw the crowd surfers coming! Once I figured that out, I got pretty paranoid and had to keep glancing over my shoulder about every two minutes or so just to make sure nobody was going to land on my head. So for all you brainless crowd surfers out there, this is for you - Everybody together now... BOOOOOO!!
The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to Richard Brunson who will be defending his dissertation tomorrow at 12:30 in the afternoon. I don't know a whole lot about defending dissertations, but he informs me that if everything goes well, he'll walk out of there as the proud owner of the highly prestigious title of "Dr. Brunson." How 'bout that, eh?
Wow. Look at that. Because of one man's email, I was able to write the majority of my Newsletter this week. Un. Be. Lievable. Simply remarkable. Anyhoo, hope you're all having a lovely Tuesday. I'll talk to you next week... and that's the bottom line...
Until next Time,
Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.
Aaron
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