Signs of the Times, Issue No. 51 - 03/24/09

YOUR BELT IS BLINDING ME!

Greetings to one and all on a beautiful, snow-free Tuesday in Ephraim, Utah. I don't know what's up with the weather here. It was nice and sunny last week but then yesterday it's windy and cold, so I got dressed up in a long-sleeved shirt today, preparing for the cold and what happens?? It's nice and warm again! At least it isn't snowing. It tried, but failed. Heh. Topics to be discussed today: KAGE Idol, March Madness, going out on the town, a concerned Subscriber, and a desperate plea for help. On we go!

Well, KAGE Idol has come and gone. It seems like we were getting ready for that thing forever! And now that it's over, I'm actually kind of bored. I have all this time to like... do homework... and stuff... I don't really like it as much. For those of you that really don't know what KAGE Idol is, have you ever heard of the KAGE? Have you ever heard of American Idol? Put them both together and what do you get? - a school-wide singing competition hosted by the campus radio station!

Need I repeat that I was the Master of Ceremonies? Well... I was the Master of Ceremonies for the event. I really had a good time being the host. I'd been studying my Seacrest for the past couple weeks and I'm pretty sure that I showed him who's boss. I am officially greater than Ryan Seacrest, so you can stop comparing us now. Thank you. Here's the deal, though. I'm pretty sure that a lot of the two hundred-plus students in attendance hadn't ever heard of the KAGE before, which is weird. Let's just say that they took things pretty seriously. For example, when we advertised that David Archuleta might be there, a lot of people actually believed us. Mason and Jason from "The Manly Show" apparently got some texts from fanatic girls that essentially said, "He better be there... or else..." And I think that's probably putting it pretty nicely. I brought it up a couple times during the show, saying that he MIGHT MIGHT MIGHT be there, but it was still unconfirmed. I was promptly met with a chorus of "LIAR!!" and "WE WANT SEACREST!!" The boo birds were out in force on Thursday night. Things started out pretty good, with a few people in the front couple rows booing at the mention of Seacrest's name, but by the end of the night, the crowd had grown unruly and seemed to actually want Seacrest instead of me. One girl also complained mid-show that my championship wrestling belt was blinding her and for the majority of the evening, I got a pretty lack-luster response when I asked people to put their fists in the air and scream, "It's my money and I want it now!!"

I kept thinking that they'd warm up to me, but they never really did. In fact, they didn't even respond well to the contestants. One singer prompted audience participation during his second song by pointing the microphone toward the crowd, but they didn't sing along. I came back out and said, "Oh come on, people! Don't be shy!" I distinctly remember hearing the chirping of crickets at that point. No joke.

At the intermission between the first and second round of the competition, a disorderly fan shouted, "A-TOWN, SING US A SONG!" I refused, but he continued to argue with me while I was still on stage for about twenty or thirty seconds. I told him I wasn't a good singer and I didn't feel comfortable on stage, but maybe if some of my friends up there with me, I would consider. Then, out of absolutely nowhere, a construction worker, a policeman, an Indian, and a cowboy snuck out from behind the curtains and music began to play from the loudspeakers. In fact, it was the tune made infamous by American Idol's own William Hung - "She Bangs" by Ricky Martin. The beat overcame me like the waves of the ocean and we broke into perfectly choreographed dance. I guess I got a little carried away because before I knew it, the song was over and I was up on stage dancing by myself. Luckily, somebody got this on camera and I've got it posted on Facebook. I'm working on getting the entire thing in high definition, as opposed to thirty-second increments taken by a cell phone. I've also got lots of pictures posted from the event if you feel like checking it out.

In the end, it was Tyson Church, the football team's star running back that took home the title of KAGE Idol 2009. The event will soon be airing on local TV and as soon as it is edited, I will attempt to post it on YouTube... until they convict me of copyright infringement and block my videos again...

March Madness is in full swing - and believe it or not, my bracket is actually doing pretty well. I guess that depends on who you ask, though. According to some people, my bracket is a failure. But hey, I'm only three losses behind Dwayne Wade, so eat that. Go tell D-Wade his bracket stinks, Loren. I dare you. The only major loss I've had was Wake Forest, which I had in my Elite Eight. Other than that, I'm still doing pretty well, though. My Final Four are Kansas, Memphis, Duke, and North Carolina. The problem is, though, that everybody and their dog picked North Carolina to win the championship. That's how it's been ever since I left for my mission. Amy and Cody always pick UNC to win it, so I was looking at the possible scenarios the other day and basically any way it goes, Cody will beat me because we both picked UNC to win the championship. I just can't catch a break. This is the one year that I actually do well in this dang thing and I'm going to lose to my mom and my little brother. (I can envision my mom typing me an email right now saying, "Tell everyone that I've won two years in a row... blah blah blah...") I'll find a way to win this year. Even if it means UNC loses and everyone else gets upset by the lower seed, I'll take it. That's the story of my NCAA life. Once my bracket is a lost cause, I just pray that everyone else loses too. Misery loves company, right?

Last weekend was possibly one of the sweetest ones of my collegiate life. On Friday night, a group of five of us went to the Institute stomp. Keep in mind, I've never been a huge fan of dancing in public, but as explained earlier, the cat is out of the bag. Yes, A-Town can dance like a dang machine. Therefore, we danced the night away for hours. I could elaborate and tell you all that Jason Moffat is the funniest man ever created, but it sufficeth to say that it was a good time. After that, we headed over to the humble abode of Miss Whitney Jones and watched Nacho Libre. Well, most of us watched Nacho Libre. Brady only saw about ten minutes and then he was out cold. On Saturday, I had to get a bunch of stuff done, such as writing for the newspaper and other miscellaneous things, but the majority of the afternoon was spent flying a kite, untangling a huge knot in the string, and then playing Playstation 3. Yes, mother, I had a dang sweet party playing video games and eating graham crackers and frosting. Mmmmmm! Delicious. Basically, it was such a successful weekend that I've already had several requests to be included for the upcoming one. Ah... it's about dang time my social life started picking up.

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "Whose money is it and when do they want it?"

Just Curious,

- The Junior Mounties

A. It's MY money and I want it NOW!! (Salute!!)

I got an interesting email the other day. Here it is.

-- "Great article, however as one of your most devoted readers may I make a suggestion? I think you should add a few fun facts such as....

Q. What is the life expectancy of a person born in Swaziland prior to 2005?
A. 33 years

Q. How much vegatation can a large swarm of desert locusts (Schistocerca Gregaria) consume in a day?

A. 20,000 tons (so how big is a large swarm of Schistocerca Gregaria?).

I know that many of your readers are wondering:
Q. What was the most popular car color between 2000-2005?
A. Silver.

These are facts that commonly come up in conversation and I would hate to have your readers  (many of which are trying to get a 'higher education') appear to be uninformed."

- One Who Knows

I was really worried when I read the introduction to that email that this Loyal Subscriber was going to rip my head off about being so negative sometimes and making fun of people so much. Whatever pays the bills, people! Whatever pays the bills... If you have any Questions or just want to send me an email, you should hopefully know the place to send them by now. If you still don't know it, here it is again - tarheelglory19@yahoo.com. Operators are standing by.

THIS JUST IN - David Archuleta is going to be on my radio show tonight. I'm being serious. There are no "maybe"s or "might"s about it - he's going to be there. You can check it out tonight from 10PM-midnight. Plus, for the first time since KAGE Idol, the contestants from Thursday night will speak out publicly about their experience. AND, in the final week of the regular season, Queen takes on Sister Hazel in the KAGE Match with the winner rounding out the top ten bands for the Tournament of Champions! All the action is here - It's "City Council" w/ A-Town, Season Three. Listen LIVE - www.snow.edu/kage.

As far as The Week in Review goes, I didn't really have time to try anything new this week, unfortunately, so I don't know what to talk about. Reader feedback has been low, as I've whined and complained about, so I want to hear what you peeps want me to review! Email me your ideas and I'll see what I can do for next week.

It's time once again for the most beloved segment in the entire Newsletter and basically the only thing that anyone even reads each Tuesday - The Boo Box! This week's victim is none other than basketball teams in the state of Utah. Holy crud. First of all, I'm not going to waste time talking about BYU because I knew they weren't going to win. They never do. But Utah State, dang it! I picked 'em and I was getting trash talked all day long about how they were down by ten the entire game, but they almost had it at the end! My problem with college basketball is this - they shoot too many blasted threes! Drive the ball to the hoop and go for the easy shots! Missing threes isn't gonna do a heck of a lot for you if you're down by four. And finally, I was so excited to watch my Utes take out Arizona... I was sure they'd step up their game now that I've officially been accepted to their school... But NO! That was probably the most boring basketball game I've ever watched in my life. Eleven turnovers in ten minutes? How is that even possible?? I think I fell asleep three or four times. Utah never had the lead and virtually never even showed up. Everyone together now - BOOOOOO!!

The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to Mandi McBride and Becca McCoy, two first-time Newsletter recipients. Happy Feel Good About Yourself Tuesday to you!

That's about it for this week. It seems like my Newsletters are getting shorter and shorter... I don't know what's going on. Maybe we need a Two-Minute Instant Message or something... But in order to have that, I need a willing participant or two. Hmm...

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron