Signs of the Times, Issue No. 48 - 03/03/09

Dang you, Steven Page!

Greetings to one and all from sunny Ephraim, Utah, where a fowl stench prevails. I think I've gained somewhat of an immunity to the infamous turkey smell here in Sanpete County, so I don't normally complain about it, but let me tell you this - yesterday it was rather stinky. There are multiple things on my mind today (big shock, I know). Topics to be discussed: People so stylish it hurts, future hate mail, going to Hollywood, the future foretold, the Barenaked Breakup, another season, the A-Town Sweepstakes, and just one more reason to switch back to the Pony Express. On we go!

First of all, let me say this - I was at the Snow College basketball games last week and my mind wasn't totally in the game, as they say. I was really bothered by something that was going on at the good old Activity Center. I noticed a whole lot of people coming in late - like... showing up at halftime... and a lot of them, mostly females, were dressed up super nice like they were going to a club or something. Now my problems don't stop here - not only do they show up "fashionably late" (nice pun... wow...), but they insist on walking back and forth across the sidelines or sitting on the third row of an otherwise empty section of the bleachers, as to draw attention to themselves. "Wow. What are those very stylish and beautiful young women doing walking around like they don't have anyone to sit by?" Give me a break. I mean, we're not in high school anymore! Who the heck are you trying to impress? If you came to the game to socialize, take it outside, people. No wonder our student section is so lame. I actually try to avoid them. I can't stand the clique-ish-ness of it all. My brain might explode from their attractiveness alone! Cheer for the dang team or get the heck out. That's what I say. And if you wear perfume to the game... although that may sound like a good idea - you want to smell good, right? - just don't bother. The place totally stunk of body odor and bad breath on Saturday night, so do yourselves a favor, ladies, and save the precious drops of sweet smelling spray for another time. And by the way, everybody vote Neal for student body president. He's a cheerleader and has hot friends. They hug all the time right in front of me. I love it.

Speaking of the basketball games, it may come as a surprise to some of you that I am the one and only sports writer for the illustrious Snowdrift. Maybe illustrious is taking it a little far - I mean, they did a good job of effectively turning any intelligent female away from the paper with that one article by Mr. Brinkman a month ago... But anyway, that's another story. The deal is that I'm the only person who writes sports on staff this semester (go figure...) so I cover both the men's and women's basketball teams for every home game that they play. I feel kind of bad about it sometimes. Our teams have lost six of their last eight home games and ten of their last twelve overall. Thus, my articles have tended to be a little negative lately... It's not MY fault! I'm not the one who shoots threes from five feet behind the line on a fast break! Come on - when you're only shooting twenty four percent from the field, only score seventeen points in the first half, head into halftime down by twenty, and get outrebounded by ten, there's not a whole lot of good stuff to say, honestly. They probably hate me and tell people not to read the paper. Sorry, but the truth hurts sometimes.

Tonight are the auditions for KAGE Idol, which I am super excited about. Tonight, approximately forty students will be trying out for the competition, which is coming up on March 19. The KAGE staff will split in two, taking three of us into one room and the others into a different office and one by one, KAGE Idol hopefuls will come in and sing a capella for a minute or two. We'll tape record them and each group will decide on their top eight. We then plan on meeting back together and discussing the sixteen singers we have chosen. Those sixteen will be narrowed down to the top ten, who will then compete in the actual competition on the 19th. I'm excited to judge tonight. I think it will be a lot of fun. I'll be worknig with the Manly Men, Mason and Jason, so I think we'll have a lot of fun with the kids. Personally, I hope I can make somebody cry tonight. (Laughter) Only joking! Geez - I just get on a roll and I have a hard time stopping myself. Man. Calm down, everybody. We will be nice to them. I'm a little worried, though, about several of the students who are going to audition. I've had a lot of people tell me, "Oh, so-and-so is SOOOOOOO amazing! I have no doubt in my mind that they will be in the top ten." I really don't want to crush anybody's dreams or anything, but um... I might have to, so if they're not really as good as you told me they'd be, I won't have a problem saying no. Sue me. (They probably will.)

I felt bad last Tuesday because, let's just put it this way, The Switch to Digital was a tough act to follow on "City Council" w/ A-Town. I ended up interviewing a girl here at Snow that's running for office and I think it went pretty well, but I felt a little bad that I didn't have something huge happening. Dispel your fears, ladies and gentlemen. I've got a couple tricks up my sleeve for tonight's show, which airs from 10 PM - midnight here on the KAGE. You can listen live online at www.snow.edu/kage if you so desire. I'd recommend it. Tonight I'll be visiting a fortune teller who will uncover a deep, dark, and well-hidden secret from my past that will ROCK YOUR WORLD! Plus, Jake and Dave from the popular "Jake 'n' Dave Show" will guest star as 2008 UndisputedKAGE Match Champion, Coldplay, takes on 2005's Sheryl Crow in the Tournament of Champions. It should be a good one! You won't want to miss it.

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "Dear Aaron,

What are your feelings on the recent breakup of Barenaked Ladies? They were one of your favorite bands, weren't they?"

Just Curious,

- The Junior Mounties

A. Yeah, I hate to be the "Bare"er of bad news (SALUTE!), but it's true - my informants let me know that Barenaked Ladies broke up on Monday. I could do several things at this point. I could whine and complain. I could say, "Gosh dang you, Steven Page, you pot smoker!" I could cry. I could even deny the reality of the situation like I know many so-called BNL fans will do - "Oh, it's ok... only Steve left the band... it will be fine." Uh... yeah right. Or I could just take the high road and relive the glory days. I'll probably just keep listening to their old stuff and move on. It's sad, yes. But uh... the Beatles broke up and I don't see people refusing to accept that! It was going to happen eventually. Believe it or not, I've actually learned a thing or two in my History of Rock and Roll class. Good things never last. Sorry, Peeps.

Q. "Aaron,

Have any thoughts about the new season of Survivor?"

- A Loyal Subscriber

A. You know, I always have a hard time telling this early on in the show. It's what, the fourth week now? Honestly, i have a hard time even remembering people's names until a couple episodes before the merge. Speaking of merges, I can't wait for the merge. Things change as the season goes on, but I'm not really impressed with a whole lot of the contestants so far. I like a couple people on each tribe (my favorites would probably be Brendan, Taj, and Sierra), but I also dislike some tribemates on each side (Coach, Tyson - the "bad Mormon", Sandy). Here is something interesting for you to think about - Tyson, the season's resident nudist, is a returned missionary from the Philippines and is also a BYU drop-out. Impressive. We'll see how things play out as the season goes on and then I'll make a more educated assessment. But thanks for asking anyway!

Q. "Dear Aaron,

It's us again. Sorry. But we've been wondering for a while now - What school are you going to transfer to?"

Just Curious,

- The Junior Mounties

A. (SALUTE!) After months and months of deliberation, I've thought long and hard about this decision... And basically, as far as recruiting goes, some are quite more stingy than others... as in... If they don't have time to come down and show interest in me, why should I show interest in them? I have recently had my transcripts sent in and I've applied for scholarships at................................................... The University of Utah.

Remember, you too can submit your very own Questions to "Signs of the Times" via email attarheelglory19@yahoo.com.

It's Time once again for that ever-popular segment, The Boo Box! The funny thing about the Boo Box is that a while ago while I was staying at home for a couple days, my mom got mad at me for Booing somthing at the dinner table. Now I think she's become the biggest fan of this segment. Every week, she gives me a suggestion for something to put in the Box and this week she gave me a real doozy. Apparently the phone company is now requiring that you dial 801 before every number you call. Therefore, if I wanted to call myself, for example, I wouldn't be able to just dial 440-5095 anymore. It has to be 801-440-5095 - or, depending on how technical you want to get, maybe even 1-801-440-5095. That is regardless of where you are or where you're calling. Right now, I'm in a different area code. Down here, it's 435, not 801, so I usually say 801 when giving out my number anyway. I also enter numbers into my phone with the area code first, just in case. But the other day, I tried calling my house to talk to my family for a little bit and every time I tried, I heard an operator saying, "Thank you for calling Verizon Wireless. The number you have entered can not be completed as dialed." I really had no idea what was going on, so I just gave up, thinking something was wrong with my phone. Thankfully my mother informed me yesterday about this crazy junk they've got going on. Lame. Everybody together now - BOOOOOOO!!

The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to... Mandy Grow! It's been a while and I really have no idea what you're up to... so I suppose this is my weak attempt to contact you by some other means that isn't FacebookChat, which is pretty much the most unreliable thing in the world. I hope school is going well for you. Have fun thinking about your "big decision." WINK WINK!

Well, now that I have ofendido a todo magistrado en Zarahemla, I think I'll call it a day. That's about it for this week! Eeeeeeeeeverybody have a good one!

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron