Why do those kids have a rope around their necks? (Insert creepy horror film music here)
Greetings to one and all - This is Aaron J. Christensen speaking yet again. It's a beautiful Tuesday afternoon here in Ephraim, Utah, which can really mean a couple things, the most likely of which is that a snow storm is shortly on its way. It's bad that the first thing I do every morning is open up my blinds and check for snow. It's April, for crying out loud. Anyhoo, I've been thinking and I deduce that I have some potentially good topics today. Would you like to hear them? Topics to be discussed today include: Another bandwagon; our idiotic society; "thx fr th mmrs ;-) lol;" fighting for the South; breaking missionary rules; my first big assignment with MI6; an old, skinny man running around for two hours; and The Locals! ON WE GO!
First and foremost, congratulations to my North Carolina Tarheels, 2009 NCAA men's basketball champions! You see, this is difficult for me. My team never wins anything. Ever. Every time I cheer for anyone, even if it's the Ravens/Giants Super Bowl, the odds of "my team" winning are slim to none. So finally, my team actually wins - and this is legit - I went to Raleigh, North Carolina, on my LDS mission, for those of you that don't know, so it's not like I'm jumping on the bracket bandwagon like everyone else in this dang country. I have a reason to like teams from the Tarheel State. The problems I have are these - a lot of people hate UNC and everyone who doesn't hate them (and even somethat do) picked them to go all the way.
Last night, for instance, I walked into Family Home Evening with my Carolina jersey on and I was immediately ridiculed and shunned with comments like, "Aaron! I had no idea! I can't believe it!" and "I can't sit by you. I don't even want to sit by you." That's all I need to say there. And no, they didn't hurt my feelings because they were joking. Dang. People take this stuff too seriously. I should be more careful with what I write about.
The other thing is this - All right, all right. I had no chance of winning my family's March Madness tournament. I lost three of my Final Four a round too early, so that essentially stamped out any flame I had. The only points I could continue to score were through my boys at UNC, who I picked to win the whole thing. The problem, though, is that EVERYBODY picked UNC to win, so even if everyone else in my family lost the rest of their games (which I was secretly praying they would), it wouldn't have mattered because my dad, Amy, and Cody all picked the Tarheels, too. I was destined to lose again. I don't think I've ever won. Maybe once. So that's one thing. The other thing is now that I'm happy that I finally picked the winner, which just so happened to be my beloved Tarheels, it doesn't make me feel special at all because I've talked to tons of people in the last twenty four hours that are like, "I can't believe they're winning! This is the happiest day of my life! I can barely breathe!!" and they don't even have a legit reason to cheer for North Carolina! That's like me going to overturn a car and dangle from a traffic light after watching the Phillies win the World Series. I just can't win, can I?
Here's another Sign of the Times for you. I came to the conclusion that we live in an idiotic society. I mean, I came to that realization a while ago, but today I have concluded that it is an absolute fact. I was sitting in my public speaking class today and one of the students got up to begin his speech. YouTube has been a popular resource this semester as far as visual aids go. This particular speech was about gun control and the right to bear arms and he started out by showing a clip of a father helping his seven-year-old son shoot a rifle in their backyard. The first problem is that such an event is even taking place, period. But the second problem is that somebody not only recorded it, but then posted it online! It's like a forty second clip and about twenty seconds of it is just watching the little guy roll around on the grass in pain from the kick of the gun. Sounds funny, right? But we've seriously become such a YouTube society that it's kind of... well... sickening. I was looking for a clip from the movie "Hook" to use on my radio show tonight and another thing popped up instead - some teenage girl with too much make up giving seven or eight tips for posting a good, effective profile picture for a social networking website. You serious, dawg? If you want to see something pretty freakin' hilarious, though, go search for "Child bites the dust in sledding accident." That's some pretty funny crap. I'd like to thank my brother Cody, who introduced me to that clip during Christmas Break. But seriously, who posts that junk? I'd be ticked if that happened to me and my parents put it online for the whole world to see.
I could talk about Facebook stalking again, but I won't. It's kind of creepy stuff. That's why I pleaded for Cody not to have a Facebook until he was like... in high school or something... because uh... well... nevermind. I'll just be here waiting to say "I told you so."
While we're on the issue at hand, it's time once again for that beloved segment, The Boo Box! I had a conversation similar to my last topic this very morning as I walked back from class with one of my friends. Texting is out of control, people. How can you spend hours and hours with somebody or even just give them a ride somewhere and not even say anything to each other? I guess I understand if you're watching a movie or something, but if you're haning out or if you live with somebody and they never talk to you, except through texting, that's pretty dang lame. The point that my friend brought up is that sometimes he will hang out with a girl and the conversation won't exactly be flowing, but then he'll drive her back to her place and as soon as she's inside and closes the door, he'll get a text from her and she'll open right up. I agree with him - texting is good if you want to send a couple quick ones - if you see something funny or you have an urgent message but aren't in a good situation to give them a call. But if you want to carry out an entire conversation, why on Earth do you text it? I've tried to call more people recently (partially to save my non-Verizon text messages, but partially because I hate texting non-stop) and you would be surprised at the responses I've been getting. It's like they're offended that I didn't just text them. They sound somewhat shocked and perplexed by the strange melody coming out of their phone. It's called a ringtone, people. That means somebody wants to talk to you. Yes, talk. I know it's crazy, but there actually is life outside of the internet and texting. Shocking, I know. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!
Just imagine all the angry texts I'll be getting after that segment... Geez...
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "A-Town,
Are you a Yankee or a Confederate?"
- Gardner
A. In the words of so many people I've met in my short mortal existence, "I would have fought for the South." I partially just say that because they'd shoot me if I disagreed with them, but no, honestly, when I was a little kid growing up and first learning about the Civil War, I always wanted to be a Confederate. I even did a report about Robert E. Lee in fifth grade and I've always liked Stonewall Jackson.
Q. "Dear Aaron,
How have the Fruit Smiles been treating you? Haven't heard about those things for a while..."
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties
A. (SALUTE!) You know, it's funny you should ask. I had some pretty crazy dreams last night. The first of said dreams was a vividly realistic dream about being on my mission again. Five other Elders and I were out tracting and we came across a semi-angry father and his three children - a teenage girl and two little kids. I went over to contact the father, who was initially not very interested. I figured I'd just give him a First Lesson pamphlet and move on, but the more I talked to him, the more interested he got. The other five missionaries pulled up some chairs and took a load off in the garage. The daughter came over and started listening, as well, eventually holding my hand (against my wishes) and resting her head on my shoulder as I talked. This led to some awkward moments, including me throwing in a couple AC/DC references during my talk about apostasy. It came time for me to talk about the First Vision, so I thought we'd sing "Joseph Smith's First Prayer" to set the tone. I pulled out three hymn books and the father and daughter both sang harmony. It was pretty dang awesome. It was getting to the third verse, after which I would stop and recite the First Vision, but that was the end of the dream. It was 6:58 and I didn't have to wake up for another hour. Needless to say, I was ticked. My other dream this morning (from 6:58 to 8:00) was something about me and my friend Jason busting into some mafia headquarters place. He gave me a gun, a ziplock back of plastic-cased ammunition, and some cough drops, then took off ahead of me. I didn't know where to go or who to shoot, so I found some guy, shot at him twice, narrowly missing both times, found out I was out of bullets, opened my bag, attempted to force the fat, plastic-covered bullets into the clip, and was apprehended pretty quickly after that. That was the end of that dream. I woke up and wondered what had brought such strange dreams and then I remembered that I had eaten half a box of Fruit Smiles at like 10:30 right before I went to bed. That'll usually do it to you...
I believe it's time for me to review something. Bring up the curtains - it's time for The Week in Review! This week I'll be reviewing a DVD entitled "AC/DC: Live at the Donnington." I first saw a clip of this concert in my history of rock and roll class a couple weeks ago. We had a live conference call with Chris Slade, the former drummer of AC/DC and our teacher wanted to show us Mr. Slade in action, so he brought this DVD in one day. It's pretty dang crazy. I'm not a super crazy AC/DC fan, I mean, I like some of their songs, but I'm not crazy about them, right? I really couldn't take my eyes away from the screen. In this concert, they're playing in front of millions of people. It literally looks like a sea of fans. I've never seen anything like it. The first song, "Thunderstruck," basically blew me away. Angus Young is an incredible guitarist and it's exciting to watch him solo. I heard that you could go out and buy the video at WalMart for less than ten bucks, but they didn't have it in Ephraim, so I was a little bummed. However, when I travelled home for Conference Weekend, I ran over to WalMart and there it was! Nine bucks. Done deal. I got it and Cody and I watched a little bit of it on Friday night. This stuff is pretty amazing. You'll have to check out "Let There Be Rock," one of my new favorites from the Rock Band 2 soundtrack. There's about a ten minute guitar solo at the end that will blow your mind. On a scale from one to ten, I'd give this probably an 8.5 or so. It's definitely worth the money, anyway.
If you have something you'd like me to review, let me know at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com.
As promised, here is the first chapter of what will end up being perhaps a three or four-Issue documentary I'd like to call "The Locals."
Here in Ephraim, there are not honestly a whole lot of things to do if you're from out of town. However, if you're from around here, it seems like this is the proverbial hot spot of the universe. There is always apparently something to do and every night is Friday night. The Locals here are very mysterious. If you ever saw that movie "The Village," they're kind of like those caped things that hide in the forest until it's time to kill. If you've seen "Lost," compare them to "the Others." You can hear weird noises when they get close to you and then they appear - plain, old-fashioned, and flat-out creepy. I've been observing them recently and I've found some interesting things about their lifestyles.
Transportation: There is no need for an actual automobile if you're from Ephraim/Manti. Depending on where you're gonig, you have several options. If you're going anywhere within three or four blocks, you just walk. That's weird because lots of out-of-towners just drive wherever they go around here. If it's more than four blocks, but less than seven or eight, they often use interesting contraptions called bicycles or motorized scooters. The real kicker is this, though. If you're planning on making a long distance excursion, the vehicle of choice is a four wheeler. Usually a red one. And you drive like the barn just caught on fire. I've almost been run over in the church parking lot a couple times. It's scary. The great thing about using a four wheeler, supposedly, is the easy access of it all. Hop on. Hop off. You don't need air conditioning . You don't need a heater because if you're Local, you've got lots of body hair. No need to lock it up. Who's going to steal a Yamaha - or even worse, a Kawasaki? Not I. And occasionally, I'll see a couple of them hop into a pick up truck with a gun rack on the back... and guns on the rack... Frightening.
Musical Taste: Locals seem to enjoy country music. Honestly, and maybe it's just me, but I don't think I know one sane person that enjoys country. That explains something to you right there. The KAGE staff gets a lot of whiners saying, "Play more country on the KAGE! We want country!" I have two instances I'd like to discuss with you. First of all, there was this one week when this girl got all of her friends to call in during "City Council" one week and request "Cowboy Take Me Away" by the Dixie Chicks. I refused and they haven't called in since. The other instance was last semester when one of the DJs broke protocol by not following the playlist during one of the daytime shifts. I was listening when he said, "I don't really like this playlist, so I'm going to put on some country." He then proceeded to play multiple country songs, at which point I turned off the radio. This guy was a little strange. If he wasn't a Local, he sure wanted to be - and Heaven knows why he'd want to do that! Sadly, that was the last time I ever saw him. I think the station manager might have shot him.
Family Bonding and Recreation: Sometimes I kind of get the feeling that I'm in a polygamist community. I'm not. But it feels like it sometimes. I mean, when you go to WalMart (where the shelves are half-empty now and they sell half-gallons of milk for seventy five cents nowadays) and see two little kids being restrained by a leash around their necks, sometimes you get a little worried. It seems that the other recreational activity that they really like around here is shotgun shooting. They probably take their seven-year-olds out the the backyard. Dang. That sounds like fun.
Clothing and Personal Hygeine: A popular hair style for Locals is the Slick Mick... as in... they slick their hair back. The Grizzly Adams look is popular for men in their thirties. I'm not exactly sure what the children dress like. The only time I really ever see them is at WalMart and the neck-leash always diverts my attention from their clothing. Locals also like to wear cowboy boots, flannel, and Youth Conference shirts from 2006.
Now that you have a slightly better idea of what life as a Local is like, stay tuned for next week when a Local invites me over for dinner.
The Shoutout of the Week goes to two Juniors.
First and foremost, happy birthday, Dad! My father celebrated the mark of his birth yesterday. I'm not sure how old he is now. I lost track about fifteen years ago. Only jokes. You can make fun of me all you want, Pops. After all, you are the rightful Ziggy Piggy winner. Congratulations.
And finally, it's always a good day on planet Earth when Ken Griffey, Jr. is back with the Seattle Mariners. 'Atta boy, Junior! If his Opening Day home run is any indication, I believe the Mariners are back. Wooooooooooooooo...t...
That's about it for this week. Thanks for reading... if you're still reading...
Check out the KAGE Match Quarterfinals #2 tonight on "City Council." Tonight it's John Mayer vs Coldplay vs The Killers vs Queen vs Red Hot Chili Peppers. We're looking for the top two bands to move on to the Semi-Finals the next two weeks to face CCR and the Foo Fighters. Tune in tonight from 10PM - midnight (MDT) at www.snow.edu/kage.
Until next Time,
Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.
Aaron
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