Signs of the Times, Issue No. 49 - 03/10/09

Apparently I'm a very bitter man...



Greetings to one and all from Sandy, Utah, my home away from college away from home. I am in the midst of my Winter Recess from school... I'll get to that later. There's a lot on my mind today. I think I've got some good stuff to talk about, but the Question is, does anybody really care? Topics to be discussed: Spring Break?, KAGE Idol auditions, an uninvited guest, the downward spiral, another new segment, a couple inquiries, and my newly developing allergies. On we go!


They told me it was Spring Break. I think they lied. I don't know what it is, but every time I come home to this new house in Sandy/Draper, there ends up being snow on the ground. I first came home around Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure it snowed. I came home a couple weeks later for Christmas Break and I know it snowed. I've come home a time or two since then and every single time, with the exception of one, I believe, I've ended up shoveling snow. I was really Feeling Good a week and a half or so ago because all the snow had finally melted for good, I assumed, down in Ephraim. They temperature was warming up, I was walking around without a jacket on, and it finally Felt like Spring was here to stay. So what happens? I wake up on Saturday morning and the ground is covered in powder. I think people are finally jumping on my bandwagon again and hating life because usually everyone is all happy that they can go skiing and build snowmen and stuff, but now (on Facebook, of course), everyone is whining and complaining about how cold they are. Wah wah wah... Old news, people. Old news. I've hated snow pretty much my entire life. I hate shoveling it, I hate driving in it, I hate how it makes me cold all the time, but most of all, I hate shoveling it. I shoveled snow yesterday. By the time Cody and I were done shoveling, the other side of the driveway was already covered in flakes again. Un. Believable. I hate this stuff. Spring Break, my eye! This makes me sick. I could keep going, but I won't.

We had KAGE Idol auditions last Tuesday. As I might have explained, I got to be a judge for the tryouts phase of the competition. On March 19, there will be three real judges, but the KAGE staff got to select ten students to move on to the big time coming up next week. I had always wondered what it would be like to be Simon, Randy, or Paula in the audition process... having to sit there for hours on end listening to terrible singers. Well, we only had to listen to about ten people, so it wasn't "hours on end," but I got a little taste of what I'm sure they experience with a guy named Leif Nyman. We had his name down as "Heif Nipman," which is sort of close, but when Mason brought him in from the waiting room, he immediately began to explain to us how his name was correctly spelled. "I have fancy cursive," he said. Leif is an interesting guy. He kind of has a slicked back, blonde mullet. I remembered him from one day at the library when he sat across from me and sang pretty much at the top of his lungs. On that day, however, Mr. Nyman has the use of all of his limbs, unlike Tuesday, as he sauntered into the office with only one arm coming out of his sleeves. We assume that his other arm was in a sling or something. He announced that he would be singing a song by Toby Keith that I had never heard of before. I think it was called "How Do You Like Me Now." His voice was not very good, even for a country singer, and the lyrics just made it even funnier. Something about having too many boyfriends to mention and writing "Call for a good time" on somebody's car. Things got even better, though, when he got to the first "How do you like me now?" because he used his one functional arm to make a huge gesture that I can't even begin to describe. Jason and I nearly busted out laughing. Mason was pretty serious the whole time, which was probably pretty good because I thought my face was going to break from trying to hold back the laughs. Overall, we found some pretty good singers, though. I'm excited for the competition - and really, for anyone who plans on attending, my only advice is this - Bring your video camera.

When I got home the other day, I was greeted by a mysterious visitor who was awaiting me in my bedroom, of all places... I came downstairs, opened the bedroom door, and saw somebody standing right by Adam's bed. He was dressed in a suit and tie, but wasn't moving. He was just standing there, staring at me. It was a little dark in the room, so I couldn't clearly make out his face. I assumed it was Adam, but couldn't be sure. I flipped on the light switch, and to my surprise, it was George W. Bush! I still wasn't sure what was going on, so for probably five seconds, I just stood there staring with my mouth half open. Cody eventually ended up telling me that it was just a cardboard cutout, but still, it was pretty creepy... He was just standing there smiling at me! I said I was going to shove him in the closet, but I've just left him there in between my bed and the empty one. He still kind of scares me when I finish playing Playstation and then turn around. And sometimes when I open my eyes in bed I look up and see him right next to me... I simply greet him with "George...?" and that usually calms my nerves.

It reminds me of one time Austin and I were exploring my grandparents' house at a family Christmas party. We wanted to go into the office to look at some videos they had, so we approached the doorway and looked into the darkened room. We saw a shadow in the corner in the shape of a tall man. Assuming it was one of our uncles, we peered in and asked, "Bill?... ... ...Kent??" We turned on the lights only to find a giant replica of John Wayne in a cowboy hat. We were only semi-startled.


I'm a little worried. Honestly, Questions aren't filling the proverbial inbox like they used to. I'm witnessing the demise of the blogsite, partially due to technical difficulties and partially because nobody ever goes there (http://www.signsofthetimesnewsletter.blogspot.com/), and it just seems like general interest in the Newsletter is on the decline. "I'm at the end of me, Rita," as Phil Connors would say. Is this the end of the beloved Tuesday Newsletter? SAVE THE NEWSLETTER! Contact us at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com or at the aforementioned website if you are reading this right now. It's your civic duty and moral obligation.


It's Time for a new segment in "Signs of the Times." This is something I'd like to call The Week in Review. In this segment, I wish to review something that I tried out for the first time this past week. This Time, I'd like to review my toothpaste. Believe you me, this was a hard decision. I think I spent more time choosing this toothpaste than I have ever spent on a tube of mouth cleaner in my entire life. The toothpaste in question is Colgate's "Luminous (Enamel Strengthening)." Basically, I decided that if anybody needs stronger enamel, it was probably me. Plus, it came in a cool purple box. The tube itself is even purple, to top it all off. Upon initial insertion into the mouth, it tasted a little different, to be quite truthful. After approximately forty five seconds of brushing, I spat, rinsed, and savored the aftertaste. I wasn't so much digging it, though. The taste kind of reminds me of... those grape flavored chewable vitamins that my mom always made me eat as a kid... or those grape suckers they give you at the drive-up window at the bank. So, if you like that taste, then I definitely recommend this toothpaste to you. I'm not going to lie, though, I've had better toothpast in my life. At least this wasn't one of those four-dollar tubes. It was like $1.50 or something, so it wasn't that big of a jip. On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it probably a 6.5. So if that interests you... if that cooks your carrots... go try it out. Tell 'em A-Town sent ya.


**QUESTION TIME!!**

Let me first of all issue a disclaimer - I didn't write any of these Questions myself. I know there are some **QUESTION TIME!!** haters out there that think I don't ever get any real Questions, but I do! Shall we?


Q. "Based on your recent involvement with basketball commentary, what is your prediction for the Mountain West basketball tournament?"

A. Let's be real here, I don't really pay that much attention to college basketball until March Madness hits. For the longest time, I thought BYU's star player, Lee Cummard or whatever his name is was BLACK! I mean, doesn't that sound like an African-American name to you? I was shocked when I saw what he actually looks like... Kind of homely... like a Keith Van Horn type guy, you know? I loved Van Horn, though. That guy was awesome. All right, I think I've stalled long enough. I think BYU will win, as much as it pains me to say.


Q. "How 'bout that Jazz??"
- Your Mom

A. Don't even get me started about the whole Jazz bandwago ordeal. They've won eleven straight. Boozer is actually producing, believe it or not. Sadly, Millsap has kind of disappeared a little bit, but Deron is unreal. You gotta love the guy. "A gentle push and a mild arc..." I just hope we don't have to play the Thunder on the road. We'd probably lose. You know what I mean? I feel pretty comfortable playing any of the so-called good teams, other than Cleveland or San Antonio. But we're in first place in the division right now, which is nice to see. It's been a while... But seriously, this is why I hate Facebook. Does (so-and-so) even know three players on the Jazz? (D-Will, Boozer, and Korver, no doubt...) How about four? Huh? Huh?? You don't really like the Jazz, so stop telling me that you want to marry Kyle Korver. But uh... yeah, to answer your Question, Mom, yeah... I love the Jazz. Like... really, I do.


Q. "What's up, A-Town? What are you doing for Spring Break?"
- A Loyal Subscriber

A. Shoveling snow, no doubt.


Q. "If a fly is traveling inside a car that is going 60 MPH, how fast is the fly flying?"
- Another Loyal Subscriber

A. Obviously, those BYU students out there that are not only smarter, but also richer and less sinful than the rest of us (I love you, Jon Davis - I'm not talking about you because you're the man) would probably say that the fly is going about a mile or two per hour, so I'm going to avoid the obvious answer here and say that the fly is flying about 61.5 MPH. Eat that, establishment! - and in a blog site exclusive, here is a picture of a BYU student holding a mechanical fly! WOW!


You know, that's probably why nobody emails me their Questions. I know you all have some. This is a very inquisitive world we're living in. You obviously don't know everything unless you are smart enough to get into BYU. They probably even put forth effort into recruiting you, too, didn't they? Oh gag me. There I go again. Sorry... But um... if you go to like... Weber State, for example, we're probably on the same intellectual level, so feel free to email me. You've got my address.


It's Time once again for that most beloved of all segments, The Boo Box! As if I wasn't on enough of a tear, just crushing people's hopes and aspirations in these last two Issues, I'm about to do it again because this time, I'm going to sling some dirt at none other than HOLLISTER! Yes, I have a shirt from Hollister. It's actually a pretty nice shirt, too. But don't get me wrong - I didn't buy it myself. Somebody gave it to me for free on my mission. Thank you. Here's the deal, though. Austin gave me something before he left on his mission. It's some fairly nice junk, too, so it was very generous of him. Let's just say that I've about run out of it, so I needed some more. Yesterday, Amy and I took a nice little mosey over to the mall to see if we could acquire some more. I took a gander around for like... a couple seconds... and their clothes are ridiculous! Do people really pay forty big ones for a piece of cloth with "CALIFORNIA" written on it? Yes. Yes they do. So I headed over to the cashier, who is wearing his own Hollister shirt, which exposed his large biceps. As I waited in line, I looked and beheld that they sell Fall Out Boy CDs there. They also sell Panic! at the Disco. Trendy. Need I say more? The stuff I was buying didn't have a price tag on it. I had no idea how much it was going to cost. I handed it to him and he rang it up. Let's just say it was probably twice as expensive as I was hoping. Nevertheless, I paid for it and took off. I opened it up later and I'm pretty sure that it is about half the size of the one Austin donated to me. I think I'm allergic to Hollister. I went over to the VF Outlet and bought a sweet jacket for ten bucks. Then I went to KOHL's and bought some shorts and a polo shirt for less than it cost me at Hollister. Everyone together now - BOOOOOO!!


Wasn't that enthralling? Seriously, though, the jacket I got is pretty dang awesome. The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to Jon Davis. Jonny Boy!... J-Dave... I'm sorry man. I'm sorry that you have to go to school with all those wackos. Stay strong, my man. Stay strong.


That's about it for this week. Um... No wonder everybody stopped reading this thing...

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron