Signs of the Times, Issue No. 192 - 01/24/12

What the?! Why is there melted chocolate in the pocket of my hoodie??

Greetings to one and all and welcome! Welcome to another "Signs of the Times"! My name is Aaron and I'll be your tour guide today as we survey the many facets of my beautiful life. Topics to be discussed today: Robot Aaron, Cougars on the prowl, the worst drivers in Utah, my fun times at church, the worst time to Boo, an easy way to hook up with guys, the newest TV adventure for the Christensens, and an Amazing Race update. On we go!


I felt like a robot today. The problem is that I stay up too late sometimes. Ideally, I'd like to be going to bed at around 10:30 every night, but I never do. It makes me sleepy in the mornings. Every morning, 6:23 sneaks up on me like a thief in the literal night and the alarm clock is never a welcome disruption. This morning, I sat there, emotionless. Eyes barely open. On autopilot. Same stuff, different day. Another day, another dollar, as they say. Story time. I once believed for a moment - brief, though it was - that my brothers were robots. In fact, I was once so disillusioned that I thought I was the only real person in the world. Life was a test. A game, perhaps. I was here to be tested and nothing else mattered. I figured that, because my brothers were robots, they were not human. They were placed on the Earth to interact with me and to hassle me from time to time, but had little-to-no other purpose. One way I could determine and prove their android nature was simple - if I hit them, it wouldn't hurt, would it? I decided to put that theory to the test. One day, while alone with one of my brothers in our shared bathroom downstairs, I hit him. Needless to say, he didn't like that very much. From that day forward, I knew that my brothers were not robots.

This is me.

The brand new high school in Draper recently overruled the name the public chose for its mascot. Students enrolling for the inaugural year at Corner Canyon High School was slated to be dubbed the "cougars," but that term was deemed "offensive" by administrators, who overruled the voice of the people. The Canyons School District board opted for "chargers" instead. I like the sound of that. Corner Canyon Chargers. Kind of cool. But seriously?? What did the press release say? I haven't read it. Did it say, "We're really grateful that prospective students have voted for the name of our new mascot, but all the unmarried female teachers have asked us to overturn the decision. They would not like to be called 'cougars'"? I can think of much more offensive mascots than that. Ridiculous.

This cougar is not impressed.

How about all those buffoons in Bountiful, huh? Have you seen that viral sensation that was released last weekend? One storm and people start running amok up there! And people wonder why I hate snow! Goodness gracious! I'm glad I haven't really had to drive in it yet this winter. This has been the greatest winter in the history of the state. Hardly any snow at all. If you haven't had a chance to do so yet, please. Set aside five and a half minutes of your day. Look at these lunatics taking to the streets! Holy crap, people! Have you ever heard of a little thing they call "pumping the brakes"?? They just come barreling on down the road with no regard for human life, it seems. Hannah! When the roads get like that, there's no way I'm even leaving the driveway. But who knows? Maybe they're a bunch of stunt drivers. One of those peeps does a complete 360. Going uphill! Crazy. But, as a man who recently lost a car (albeit to non-weather-related circumstances), I can't help but cringe as those drivers go careening down 400 N and into the oncoming snowplow. Oof!

Ah, crap.

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "Hey A-Town!

Have you missed me? Here's my Question: How are you liking your singles ward?"

With love,

- Your most Loyal Subscriber (Mom)

A.Oh wow! Somebody actually wrote me a Question! What a miracle. How am I liking my singles ward?? Oh man. As usual, I find this singles ward, like so many singles wards before it, merely as a place to go to church. Church is church no matter where you go. The purpose of such wards (or so I've heard) is to allow young, single members of the Church to have an opportunity to meet each other, spend time together, worship, and also hopefully pair off and get married. Let's try to put this nicely somehow... There's no way I'm marrying anyone in my current ward. Ok. Glad I got that off my chest. Despite the difficulties in dating, things are... ok, I suppose... There's nothing really wrong with my ward, anyway, other than the shallow, clique-ish girls and the overall unfriendliness. But the great thing about singles wards pretty much anywhere in the world is that they will all give you a good chuckle periodically if you're paying attention. Like the one dude who references the rated-R movie "300" by name in his testimony one Fast Sunday, saying that it's a "really good show." Oof. Or how about people who don't know that, when they're slated as the first speaker in a three-speaker Sacrament Meeting, it means  that you're the equivalent of a "youth speaker" in a family ward and they only want you to speak for five minutes - not 35. Then there are Sundays where you turn to your brother, who may or may not be seated right next to you, and you ask, "Where's the second speaker??" ...and she runs in five minutes after the Sacrament portion of the meeting is over to give her discourse about Sabbath observance? Classic. And then there's the sweet spirit that spoke in my ward recently, adorned with Jordan Holmes-esque lenses - the big, fat ones (which she has never worn before and most likely doesn't need to improve her vision) - pulls out her laptop and sets it to the side of the pulpit, reading her talk from its large monitor, makes a reference to "Ferris Buhler's Day Off" (not rated-R, but still not the movie to be mentioning when you're standing five feet away from your ecclesiastical authorities), and tells the congregation that she's so glad her mom wrote her talk because "she always comes up with some really good stuff..." Are you serious, bro?

This week's Boo Box is a little bit different. Today I'm not selecting the topic - OTHERS have chosen somebody to Boo. So there I was, watching the NFC Championship Game on Sunday. The game commenced, as usual, with a rendition of the National Anthem - one of the cheesiest I can ever remember - by Broadway star, Kristin Chenowyth. There was something different about this rendition, though. What was that noise? Were the fans singing along? No... They couldn't possibly be Booing. The rendition wasn't THAT over-the-top! Suddenly, the noise from 49ers fans turned to cheers. Odd. Then back to Boos. Cheers. Alternating back and forth. It took me a moment to realize it, but the fans were reacting to the images they were seeing from the FOX TV cameras. Every time the cameras would show a player for the New York Giants, the San Francisco fans would Boo. Then, when the giant screen in the stadium would show a member tof the home team, they'd go nuts and start cheering. I understand that fans dislike the opposing team. There are several players in any sport that I'd love to Boo, and I understand that 49ers fans really wanted to win the game. But come on, people! Can you really not save it for AFTER the Star-Spangled Banner. Geez. That's P.M.U.!!


What's the deal with the Sundance Film Festival? I've never been. I'm sure it's really cool. But what is the deal with the Sundance Film Festival? It's a bunch of independent movies and a bunch of independent musicians that I've never heard of, but tons of celebrities and hot shots go up and party and all my Facebook friends love it. Here's my problem: The Sundance Film Festival has been making young, single females falsely believe that they are celebritites since 1978. Eeeeeeeeverybody that posts about Sundance talks about how they have seen actors, actresses, and other Hollywood stars, often posting blurry pictures of them for their online buddies to see. For all I know, that could have been a picture of three random people. It's not like I could see their faces. For all I know, that wasn't even really taken at Sundance! I don't know what Sundance looks like! And for all I know, eeeeeeeverybody is a VIP at those concerts - not just you! Perhaps the worst thing is everyone taking "red carpet" pictures with their girlfriends. Ugh! Trying to look like supermodels... Pshhh. Somebody tried to debate me on Facebook because they thought I was a "hater" for      making a personal attack at them. They've been posting blurry celeb pics like crazy and commenting on how they just met Spike Lee and blah blah blah. She says she's "working at Sundance this week" and I patted myself on the back for my clever response: "Working for employment is one thing. Working the festival for men is another." Oh-ho-ho!!!!!! Man, I am so funny! (Semi-sarcasm.) But yeah. My favorite part of Sundance is when it ends and all the girls have to go back to working retail 9-5. Heh.

Headed up to Sundance, no doubt.

Last night, my family and I embarked on a new journey together - and you know it's going to be a good journey when you can watch a two-hour TV show and Austin stays for the entire thing. The new TV show we started watching is J.J. Abrams' newest pride and joy, "Alcatraz," which airs Monday nights on FOX. "Alcatraz" is the story of the re-appearance of the inmates once housed on The Rock who were all allegedly evacuated from the island-prison in March 1963. Allegedly. However, as truth would have it, these inmates, the most notorious of criminals from back-in-the-day, were not evacuated - they disappeared. And now, as I've already spoiled, they are beginning to re-appear in present day. We checked out the two-hour premiere last night, so we're still an episode behind (the second episode aired last night), but I think the show has potential. The only possible downside right now is that the show is on FOX. FOX has only had like three long-running programs in the history of ever: "The Simpsons" (which I don't watch), "24" (which I didn't watch), and "American Idol" (which has Ryan Seacrest and, therefore, I no longer watch). Everything else on that channel has failed. Hopefully this show doesn't suck. Plus, it's just awesome that I've been to Alcatraz twice and some of the stuff they've shown so far has been shot on-location. I think Alcatraz is probably one of the... hmmm... top five most interesting places I've ever been on vacation. Maybe higher, like top three. That place is awesome.

Aww yeah.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to Jared Anderson, a long-time A-Towner from Tennessee. Jared, Jared... I remember the summer of 2010 like the back of my hand... We were both single then. Living the EFY dream together. And now look what you've gone and done! Got married, had a kid! Good heavens. Saw the pictures on Facebook. Looks like a cuddly little guy. Congratulations!


When Austin and I applied for "The Amazing Race," we were informed that, in the event that we were selected to move on in the application process, we would hear back from CBS "in January." Due to the number of applicants, CBS cannot contact everyone who is not selected for the show, so, in the absolutely miraculous event that they elected not to put us in the Race, we would not hear back from them, leaving us to a lifetime of pondering "What if?" Well... January is almost over. Let's just say that we still haven't heard back from CBS yet at this point: the 24th day of January. They've got approximately seven days to make the best decision of their lives.


That's about it for this week, kiddos!! How many typos did I have today? Just kidding. I don't want to know. And look! Done with the Newsletter at 3:53. Boo yah. Probably won't get it posted until later, but oh yeah, baby. I'm done. That's it. You children take care of yourselves. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, aloud, these words: "I am awesome." Repeat it. "I am awesome." Now this: "I love Tuesdays." Ok. That is all. Adieu.


Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron