Signs of the Times, Issue No. 94 - 02/23/10

If this guy across from me says the word "shiz" into his Bluetooth one more time, I'll punch him right in the schnoz.

Greetings to one and all on a chilly Tuesday morning. By the Time you'll get this, it will undoubtedly not be the morning anymore, but it's morning for me right now, so live with it. Why is it freezing everywhere I go? And does anyone else miss "Fashion with Nick" or is it just me? Topics to be discussed today: My 31 true friends, the great eBay scandal, the Costa Vida crook, the new cult classic, reliving my MTC memories, a prime example of bad word choice, and my renewed faith in technology. On we go!

My little experiment with no texting last Tuesday went pretty well. As I predicted, there were only three or four people that texted me (the usuals) and that was fine. Then at around 9:00, I got texts from four or five other people whining About how they didn't get mentioned in my Newsletter. Then there was my brother Adam, who texted me complaining that he didn't get Issue No. 93 yet. Check your spam boxes, people. Don't know why that always happens. Sorry. Love you, buddy. I think I'll do the no-text thing again today. We'll see who loves me. I bet my sister loves me first. Speaking of little experiments, last Thursday, I attempted to get 100 people to "like" my status on Facebook. I only got 31. One potential flaw in my theory is that I posted my status too early in the morning, so by the Time everyone was awake and Facebooking, the status update was already outdated and I didn't get it out there when lots of people were online to see it. Personally, I'm very disappointed with the outcome. I have, what?, 620 so-called "friends" on Facebook and only 31 of them "liked" my status, even when I blatantly said I was trying to get 100 people to do so? This leads me to several possible conclusions. Either A) people saw it and were too indifferent or too lazy to click on it, B) 589 of my friends have me hidden from their news feed because they find me to be annoying somehow (?? I am not annoying.), or C) it was just a slow day/bad timing/people didn't get online that day. I don't like any of those options. I'd clean out my friends list again, but I'm just too lazy to pay them any attention.

And you're seriously too lazy to click the mouse one Time??

I was pretty upset last Tuesday morning (Aaron upset on a Tuesday??) and here's why: I placed my first ever bid on an eBay item a week and a half ago. I'm looking forward to the "Prince of Persia" movie that's coming out this summer, but my problem is that it's based on a video game I haven't played. I played the original, but the movie seems to be based largely on the "Sands of Time" installment, which I never touched. I found the game online for 99 cents and, like the sly dog that I am, placed the first bid - $1.00. There were still five or six days left until the auction was over, but I felt pretty confident after three or four days passed by and I was still winning. I was winning all the way until Monday night. The auction would end at 10:00 on Tuesday morning, so things were looking pretty nice. I got an email on Monday night that I had been outbid. Some jerk bid $1.25. I rolled my eyes and bid $1.50. As soon as the page had refreshed with my new bid, it said I had been outbid. I was confused. Must have been some sort of mistake. How could I be outbid when I had just barely placed my bid? I tried again. $1.75. I got immediately outbid again! I figured I'd just sleep on it and try to place a bid the next morning. I woke up the next day, ready to win myself the cheapest video game of my life. $2.00. Bam. Outbid again. Whatever. I let the guy have it. I think he got it for $2.25 or $2.50. Sickening, really, and another perfect candidate for The Boo Box. I didn't want the game that bad, anyway. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

I hate you, eBay Man.

(Someone just texted me. It's my sister Amy. I knew it would be. "Are you Feeling Good About Yourself today?" she asks. "Ya dang skippy I am.")

I was working at the Coast last night and as soon as I got there, I noticed one of the customers that was sitting in the lobby. It was hard not to notice her. She was dressed like it was freakin' July outside and I wouldn't be surprised if she got cast in the next live-action Barbie movie or something. The woman was cosmetically enhanced. We'll just keep it at that. She's the kind of Caucasian that my Hispanic co-workers heckle me for as soon as they pay for their food and turn around. Anyway, she's just sitting there for a while and then she comes up to the cash register. "I guess I have to go talk to her," I thought. I sauntered on over, puffed up my chest, checked my teeth in the mirror, and asked her what the heck she wants. We had a promotion going on FOREVER ago where we were giving away free ice cream. She inquired about it. I explained that it ended in September. ("Not gonna happen, lady.") She continued asking Questions and I told her that it was truly a sad day for everyone when we stopped doing it like six months ago. She batted her eyelashes at me ("Don't even go there, sweet cheeks."), pointed to my manager, and said, "But I already asked him about it and he said..." ("Are you KIDDING me?!?") "All right, fine. But just this one Time," I conceded. Unbelievable. I guarantee that's not the first Time she's pulled that stunt. I've been known to hook a customer up here and there, but I really didn't want to help this chick out because I know she's been getting whatever she wants her entire life just because of the way she looks. That's P.M.U.!! Enjoy your dang ice cream, you little... well, I'll stop there. Gotta keep it PG-rated. I headed, defeated, back to my position behind the register. My coworkers immediately began to heckle.

Get your junk food somewhere else!

The other day, my sister was wearing the bright pink Snuggie I gave her for Christmas. I frequently wear my Weezer Snuggie, as well. They're comfortable. Kind of weird. Kind of like a backwards robe. But they're comfortable! It's comfort over fashion, ok, Royal Bateman? I know I look like a fool. That's why I don't go out in public with it. They're nicer than a blanket because you can do whatever you want with your arms and they stay warm. Ahhh... Nice... "Do you remember how we used to make fun of Snuggies and now we love them?" asked Amy. Yes, I do. Snuggies have kind of a cult following, which is ironic because if you ever saw a cult of people wearing Snuggies, you might think you had accidentally stumbled across the Klan or something. But yes, Snuggies are ridiculous, yet they've slowly, but surely, gained popularity. Kind of like curling. Curling is also ridiculous. Curling is something that shouldn't be popular, yet it has slowly, but surely, developed a large following. People talk about curling on Facebook to make themselves look cool, which is weird because... since when did talking About curling make you look cool? You get the idea. If you like Snuggies, you're cool. If you like curling, you're cool. Can you imagine going curling in a Snuggie?? That would be intense. Imagine how cool that cat would be! Just saying...

Male, Female, or Both?

Yesterday was the four-year anniversary of the day I entered the Missionary Training Center in Provo. I loved the MTC. I can't believe how fast the Time has gone. My first night in the MTC was probably the second worst night of sleep I've ever had, next to the night I left the MTC, headed to North Carolina to speak what little Spanish I knew to full-on Hispanics. Scary, scary, scary. In commemoration of this anniversary, I'd quickly like to recap the Top Five moments from my nine-week stay in missionary school.

5) Easter/General Conference in the MTC: This was a really cool experience. I can't remember how many missionaries were there at the MTC, but it was a couple thousand, at least. There were a ton of us. I believe they told us that, at the Time, we were the largest gathering of Priesthood holders in the world. That's pretty awesome. And Feel free to take off your jackets if it gets too hot.

4) Elder Holland comes to visit: I'll keep it short and sweet and just say this - I didn't EVER think About coming home early. EVER!! Oh, sweet. What a sweet guy.

3) The Referral Center: A couple times a week, missionaries would go to the "R.C.," which is short for Referral Center. It's the place that everyone calls when they see a commercial for a free Bible or DVD about Jesus. We would talk to the caller for a few minutes, trying to assess their potential interest in the Restored Gospel. Sometimes, however, it didn't go very smoothly... like the Time I had to try to explain what transfiguration was. Or the day I got a 48-minute-long call from a war veteran with amnesia.

2) Getting yelled at in class: This really was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I mispronounced one too many words in Spanish class one day, apparently, and got my lips ripped by our substitute teacher. Pretty embarrassing, I tell you. I went back to my room that night and studied the heck out those pronunciations. I believe that my Spanish dramatically improved after that afternoon.

1) The worst First Lesson of all Time: Our teacher gave us 10 minutes to teach the First Lesson one day. This is the introductory lesson that covers God's love for His children, prophets, apostasy, the Earthly Ministry of Christ, the Great Apostasy, the First Vision and Restoration through Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, and prayer. As novice missionaries, we'd obviously have to fly through these topics. My companion and I were teaching and I had gotten to the part about Christ's Earthly Ministry. "Two minutes!" called out our teacher. WHAT?!? We weren't even close!! I panicked. I panicked horribly. We had to get to the part where Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ in the First Vision, but I was still talking about Christ establishing his Church 2,000 years ago. I said the first thing that came to mind - the only way to possibly cover two millennium in five seconds - "And then Jesus was killed by the Jews." Bad, bad, bad way of phrasing it. Elder Holmes and I couldn't stop laughing for ten minutes, even lasting into the next missionaries' lesson. Judging by the look on my companion's face, Elder Mather had a difficult Time accepting my lightning-quick decision making.

Here are my Two Cents for the week: I bet most of those so-called Jazz fans that claim that they stayed up watching the Jazz come from 25 down in the third quarter to beat Portland in overtime are full of it.

Here's the Facebook Fan Page of the Week: "Smiling like an idiot when you receive a cute text." Wow. I wish I knew what that Felt like.

I'm trying to keep this on the down-low for now, but let's just say I'm five weeks away from expressly violating some of the dating advice I received a couple weeks ago.

**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q. "Can you apply [to be on 'Survivor']?"
- Royal Bateman

A. Yes, Royal. Yes, I can. But I won't. I love "Survivor," but I can't go on the show. I'd die. I'm too skinny and I don't like being dirty. But if I did go on Survivor, I'd win. I'm a student of the game.


Q. "Dear Aaron,
We know you miss your Comm and Gender class. Sorry, buddy. What is your least favorite thing about school at the U this semester?"

Just Curious,

- The Junior Mounties

A. My misfortune of taking a gym class that places me in the locker room at the same Time that a swimming class gets out. I've seen enough naked men to last a lifetime, believe me. (SALUTE!)

What the?!? What is this??

FYI, if you're trying to send in a Question, make sure you're sending it to the right address. Not the tarheelglory address... That one's long gone after that weird Viagra incident. Just send it to my new address, por favor, or I may not get to it until Wednesday, which was the unfortunate case of Jon Blackham last week. Sad face.


Let's bring it on home, as they say, with The Two-Minute Instant Message. This Issue, there was only one man for the job - my personal dictionary, my long-Time thesaurus, Dr. Richard Brunson. Let's see how many Times he corrects my poor grammar. (I love him for it, though, I promise.) I'll be in red and the Brunsonator will be in green. This will be Good.

Good afternoon, Mr. Brunsonator. How are you?

I am doing well. And you?

Feeling Good...

Of course. And that's Dr. Brunsonator to you!

My mistake... I have a bone to pick with you, being that you are my number one grammar correcter.

Shoot!... and shouldn't that be "corrector"?

I knew it. Dang it.

Haha, I'm hilarious.

But anyway, I've noticed a lot of kids starting to expand their vocabularies lately by using words such as "epic" and "prime." I don't like it.

Why is that?

Well, there's a Facebook Fan Page, for example, called "At 11:11:11 on 11/11/11, I will make the most epic wish ever!!!" I don't believe they understand the true meaning of the word "epic."

I see. So they're not using it because the word actually fits the situation, but because they think it sounds cool.

Right.

It bothers me when people do that.

Like, what are they wishing for? A pet dragon that lays magical eggs?

Epic is larger-than-life; sweeping; Romantic (in the original sense of that word) or sublime (again, in the original sense of the word).

So I guess that Billy Joel and Elton John concert wasn't so epic, after all...

Probably not. However, it could have been a powerful experience, or one not soon to be forgotten. But epic entails something that fundamentally alters life.

Yeah... like if they lit the pianos on fire and were sword fighting. That would be epic.

Prime simply means first, so I don't know what the appeal would be to misuse that word.

"Last weekend was prime!"

Completely wrong!

I guess it was [prime], if you're referring to the number of days in said weekend... but yeah, other than that? Wrong-o bongo.

Perhaps if they mean that it was a quintessential example of a good weekend, then maybe.

I doubt it.

They could even say a prime example. But prime is an adjective; it has to modify or describe something else.

Well, Time's up. See ya!

It was prime!

Epic.

And finally, I know that many of you are aware of my frustrations with technological advances in communication. I've had a lot of bad experiences involving Facebook chat, mainly in regards to the lack of manners demonstrated while thus communicating. I would not recommend Facebook chat as the number one source of communication with anyone, but it's unfortunately the one of the most heavily frequented communication methods by people of my age group. As horrible as I think it is and no matter the irreparable damage that it has caused to the social life of many, I actually had some very Good, enjoyable, meaningful conversations with people on Facebook last weekend. To those with whom I chatted, I present a Shoutout of the Week. So, Dan Mortensen, Amanda Wright, Dan Shaffer, Amber Glissmeyer, Mikey Zimmerman, and, of course, Jason "The Barbarian" Moffat, I SALUTE you! Perhaps there still is a glimmer of hope out there in the vast arrays of cyberspace.

That's all for this Issue, kiddos. And remember, if your name is Whitney and you comment on my blog site without leaving your last name, you might cause me a stress-induced coma. Still no texts from anyone but Amy, but who cares? - Are you kidding me?!? I just got a text from Amber Hunt. Shoutout for you, sister. Who's ready for "LOST"??

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron