Signs of the Times, Issue No. 93 - 02/16/10

Feeling like a dead duck...

Greetings to one and all from Sandy, Utah, where thirty more people just got engaged last night. It's a partly smoggy day in the Salt Lake Valley... like the cloud of despair that was cast upon us on Valentine's Day. We've got your top news stories and celebrity headlines coming right up at the top of the 6:00 hour. Topics to be discussed today: My new stance on technology, the future of my employment, a new season of "Survivor," a big anniversary for A-Town, my life in blog format, increasing celebrity status, and a double shot of Boos. On we go!

If this Newsletter has made anything abundantly clear, it's that girls are unbelievably confusing. I've had girls get mad at me for not texting them enough. I recently had someone tell me to stop texting them every day. I've had a lot of people (mostly males and married females) tell me, after reading my Newsletter, that they really admire me for trying so hard to go out on dates because they Feel that people generally don't try very hard anymore. Consequently, I've also scared off every single within a 100-mile radius - no, scratch that - every single girl in the entire country - because I'm trying too hard, apparently. What's up with that? What am I supposed to do? I don't try hard enough, I try too hard. I don't text enough, I text too much. I'm too quiet, I'm too forward. A lot of people (mostly married females) have told me that if I stop worrying so much About finding the right girl, she'll fall right into my lap. The problem, however, is that I Feel like I'm the only one that's trying - and if I stop, nothing will happen at all. It's a difficult balancing act and sometimes I obviously just don't really know what I'm supposed to do. Today I've decided to take a stand. I've been praying for years (not literally... no need to bring my religious habits into this) that my future wife is trying as hard to find me as I'm trying to find her... so let's find out, shall we? Today I refuse to text ANYONE unless they text me first. Things were going pretty well until... uh... I woke up and saw that a girl I went to Homecoming with at Snow had texted me. She made it clear within the first date or two that she was not interested in dating me for several reasons, the most prominent of which was that I was a returned missionary. (Like that's something I can change??) She would always bother me About how I, like all R.M.s, was only looking to get married and was incapable of just dating for fun. Her text this morning read, "I'M ENGAGED!! :) :) :) YAY!!!" I've later come to find out that he's an R.M. It gave me a Good laugh, but uh... That's P.M.U.!! I suspect that the only ones to text me today will be Scott Aylett, my sister, Amy, and possibly Amber Hunt, but that always depends on whether or not the Jazz are playing. The girls like their little games and I think if they want me to play hard to get, I'll one-up them. I'll play impossible to get.

Silence, please.

Some of you may be surprised by my stance on girls and technology. I, in fact, was unsure whether I could ever get to the point where I "didn't care anymore" About trying to find girls to date. Well, first of all, I've virtually depleted my supply of potential victims in the Salt Lake Valley. Girls in the Salt Lake Valley are LAME! And yes, I just went there. Somebody prove me wrong, please. Honestly, though, if there's a girl I'm interested in dating in the Salt Lake Valley, either I haven't found her yet or she just needs to speak up. *cough* Secondly, and most importantly, I believe, is the Good news of the week. I found out last weekend that I've been hired to go back to EFY this summer. My EFY kiddies would always ask me if I'd be back in 2010, to which I responded that there was a fair chance that I'd be married by then. Once you're married, you are no longer eligible to work at EFY. Things were looking Good until week four of EFY last summer when, well, we all remember what happened to me that week, don't we? Look at me now. Single. And going back. This Time around, I won't be a counselor like I was last summer. I'm going back as a building counselor, which is basically a counselor for the counselors. I suppose it would be like being a Zone Leader, as opposed to a District Leader. I'll work mostly with counselors and I'll work on setting things up for the kids like service activities, activities for the young men, games night, pizza night, and being a DJ for the dances. I'm really excited for the summer to get here. I loved working with the kids at EFY last summer and thinking About going back is really exciting. Oh, and bringing this thing full-circle, the reason why I don't care About dating anymore is because I'm fairly positive my wife will be waiting for me in Provo. Kind of positive. Actually, uh, I don't know. There's a slight, slight possibility. But a slight, slight possibility is better than NO possibility, right?

"Courage to ask that hot counselor to slow dance." - A-Town 2:34

Here's The Week in Review. "Survivor" started up again on Thursday and - I've been saying it for years now - "Survivor" is the greatest show on television. It's now in its twentieth season. I've only missed two or three episodes ever, including the seasons I missed when I was on my mission. There have been over 300 castaways in those 10 years and 20 of them are back again for this season: "Heroes vs. Villains." This is going to be a really, really Good season, judging from what I saw last Thursday. Some of my favorite castaways are returning, like Colby Donaldson from season two; Rupert, the perennial Good guy; and Russell from last season - the best player to ever play the game. I'm also happy that "Coach" is back. He was one of the funniest bad guys of all Time and I know everybody was glad to finally see him put his kayaking skills to the test last week. Tarzan, I mean Tyson, is back, too, and 100 bucks says he's been disciplined by the Church after how he acted a couple seasons ago. There was a dislocated shoulder and a broken toe in the first challenge of the season, if that's any indication of how intense the competition is. If you haven't watched "Survivor" before, the Time to start is now. This is Good, Good stuff. Who do I want to win at this point? Colby or Russell. But don't quote me on that - this isn't "Dancing with the Stars" or anything. The first episode of "Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains" gets a 10 out of 10 on my scale. WOW!! Excitement, intensity, injury, and the Dragon Slayer having a crush on Jerri. How can you go wrong with that?

Rupert........

My cousin, Jeremy, had his missionary farewell on Sunday. That got me thinking - it was four years ago last weekend that I gave my own farewell talk. President's Day weekend, 2006. I can still remember it. I can't believe it's been so long! The Time has flown! Next Monday marks four years since I entered the Missionary Training Center in Provo as I embarked for my LDS mission to Raleigh, North Carolina. Those were two amazing years. I told Cody on Sunday that I'd go back and do it all over again if I could. Cody is getting a little anxious for his mission. There are only a couple cousins left to go before Cody takes off in three years. I know how he Feels. I remember crying as a child because I didn't want to leave home. Even as a high schooler and a young college freshman I was nervous to leave, but I remember getting so excited to go as I put in my papers and got ready to go. I loved the MTC. I liked the food in the MTC and I still don't know why people complained about it so much. Most of the whiners were English-speaking missionaries who only had to stay for three weeks before going into the field. I was there for nine weeks and was sad when I had to leave. Looking back on my mission, it was one of the best Times of my life. I'd do it all over again, which is something I once didn't think I'd ever say. The two years went so fast and now as I look at Austin, the Time is going fast for him, too. He's only got five and a half months left before he comes back. In a week and a half, I'll hit my two-year mark since I got home. I can't believe it. We'll examine my accomplishments (and non-accomplishments) during those two years next Issue, I'm certain.

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q1. "WTC? (What the crap?) Who says that Ben [Linus from 'LOST'] is Good looking? Eww, eww, EWW!

Q2. What is your current favorite movie? I love 'Where the Wild Things Are.'

Q3. Do you ever get embarrassed having your love life displayed on a blog? Mine is simple: Married.

Oh, and I loved the anonymous comments. That made my day. But not as much as Amy. 'Jump in a hole.' Classic. Adam says 'Burps and sneezes at the same Time: P.M.U."

Loves,

- Adam and Kathryn Christensen

A1. I do.

A2. My all-time favorite movie is "Back to the Future II," but my favorite movie that's still in theaters is "Sherlock Holmes."

A3. Is it weird to put so much of my personal life in a blog? Yes, a little - because it gives people the chance to be creepy stalkers like we've experienced in the last few weeks. As far as my love life goes, it's more of a hate life that I put in "Signs of the Times." Perhaps you've noticed that I don't really talk about the Good stories. I only talk about the bad ones. A) They're funnier. B) They're far more frequent. Stalkers... They're the price of fame. You learn to deal with them.

That means YOU, S***** K*****.

Q. "Dear Aaron,

Have you tried free dinner dates? Perhaps to Wingers?"

- J. Scott Aylett

A. Why yes, in fact. As usual, I tried for a couple days to get a date, but was unsuccessful. I had threatened to take my mom, but she was busy making dinner for the family, so I ended up going with my brother, Cody. In fact, it seems that I've had to resort to taking Cody on two dates in the last two weeks. I guess he's kind of cute, but, like, obviously in a very brotherly kind of cute, right?

Q. "Dear Aaron,

So we hear you're a famous TV star now. Any truth to this?"

Just Curious,

- The Junior Mounties

A. Why, yes. 'Tis true. (SALUTE!) Cody and I were shown on TV at least three Times on Saturday night while attending our first University of Utah basketball game. The Utes were taking on the fifteenth-ranked Lobos of New Mexico. It was an intense game that we ended up losing by three in overtime, but not before a high-flying alley-oop to Jay Watkins and a buzzer-beating three by Carlon Brown to send the game into OT. Cody and I were shown several Times as we stood near the back of The MUSS (Mighty Utah Student Section). Good Times, indeed. I know Cody's favorite part was the guy seated behind us whose chants of "BULL ****! BULL ****!" and "EVERYBODY GET LOUD!! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" kept us laughing all night. "AAAAAAAA-JJJJJJJJJJJJ!"

I know how you Peeps love The Boo Box, so you get a double dose today. (By the way, I'm still looking for people who want to order Boo Box shirts...) First and foremost, I really hope that none of you wasted your Saturday night watching any of the so-called NBA All-Star festivities. The Skills Challenge was all right. Deron Williams came up just short of winning his second trophy, but everything else was an utter disappointment. The three point shootout was lackluster. The highest score by any shooter was 20/30, which is a lot better than I could do, but then again, I'm not in the NBA, am I? I could knock down 25 shots if I was getting paid $6 million for it. What I really couldn't believe was the dunk competition. The dunk competition has always been one of my favorite events, but this year, like several of the past six or seven, was almost unbearable. Out of the 12 total dunks in the competition, I was only impressed by one of them. You could have seen the rest in a regular game. Nate Robinson from the Knicks won for the third time, but that's only because the American texting public apparently has a lot of sympathy for midgets. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

If he's really that small, how big is his brain?

Step right up, Costa Vida! Let me clarify - my job is not bad. It's not boring. I actually really enjoy the job and the food there is fantastic. It's the management that I can't stand. I set up my school schedule this semester so I only had class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, thus allowing me to work all day every day on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, if occasion required. That hasn't been the case, exactly. I was hoping I could work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings, and even Saturdays if they needed me, but instead, I've been consigned to the M/W/F nighttime cashier slot. My church calling is to be on the Family Home Evening committee (Monday nights). I haven't been in two months. Scott and I have Jr. Jazz team that plays weekly on Wednesdays. I haven't been in over a month. The girls think I quit. Friday nights are also somewhat desirable for a college student. So much for that. I have been scheduled to work two out of the last three Tuesday nights, which I can't do because I have school. I repeatedly explained that to my manager months ago in English AND Spanish. Maybe I'll try French next Time. And to top it all off, I went in yesterday to see if I could get tonight off (I did) and figured I'd get some free food while I was there. He made me pay for it!! Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!! What's up with that?? I've given his whole extended family free food more than once when they've come in and I've never had to pay before. What the crap?? I've officially started the Costa Vida Countdown - right now we're looking at around 14 more weeks of mopping that dang floor until I can drop them like a smothered burrito and head to EFY.

The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to Johnny Mosley, the ex-moguls champion of the Winter Games. Where are you, Johnny Mosley? Come back, Johnny Mosley. We miss the Dinner Roll. And... a bunch of other Shoutouts to all those other Olympians out there. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Marry me, Johnny.

Here's a late entry for the Two-Minute Instant Message. If you want to participate, let me know. I'm Facebookin' it all the Time. Today I'll be chatting with Mr. J. Scott Aylett, a long-Time friend and Loyal Subscriber. I will be in red and Scott will be in green. For all of our colorblind readers... actually, I guess I'll just stop saying that after I messed up the color thing last week. Here it is:

Hey Scott, what's up, man?

Not much, Aaron. You'll never believe this. Actually, you probably will.

Oh great... What happened?

Today I was on campus and I saw [so-and-so]. Granted, we don't really "know" each other, but we know each other. Anyhoo, she totally looked at me, did the "Too Cool For School" look, and looked away. I know we aren't best friends - heck, we aren't even Facebook friends, but hey, I'm a customer that bought Jazz apparel from you! - Doesn't that count for something?

Apparently not, my man. You know, it seems that the number of people who are "Too Cool For School" is increasing lately.

Seriously. I'll admit that sometimes I avoid eye contact with people I don't want to talk to, but when there is eye contact, a friendly "hello" will suffice. Heck, I'm not asking for a date (to which I would also be rejected).

Here's my Two Cents - if you think you're any better than anyone else... if you think you're cool, you're really not... Why don't people who think they're "Too Cool For School" just stay home and let the rest of us Feel better About Ourselves?

Or at least go on a date with us to help us Feel better.

Or why don't they just kill themselves?

Even better.

Just kidding, man. That was rude. Come slap me.

[SLAP]

It's comments like that that have led to my declining readership...

And your dating.

I hate you.

That's About it for this week, kiddos. Um... I can't think of anything profound to say. Here's to you, Dad!

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron