Signs of the Times, Issue No. 92 - 02/09/10

Maybe going on a date with you is like going to the dump?

Greetings to one and all from Sandy, Utah. This is Aaron Christensen coming to you live with another marvelous installment of the Signs of the Times Newsletter. Coming off the heels of perhaps the most discussed Issue ever, there is plenty to talk About today. Topics to be discussed: The Super Bowl champions and the end of a long drought, annoying "LOST" fans, blasphemy, and the impressive manners of my anonymous commenter. On we go!

First and foremost, how 'bout them Saints???? FINALLY, one of my teams actually won something - and I'm not talking about the Western Conference finals because, although that was awesome, it didn't amount to anything other than good memories, and I'm not talking about Real Salt Lake because, even though that's our team, it's not like I was emotionally invested in their journey. Utah doesn't have an NFL team, so I, like many others, went through the identity crisis of trying to find a team to support. I didn't want to cheer for Denver, who would geographically be "Utah's team," I suppose, because I hated John Elway, so I had to look elsewhere. Ten years ago, the New Orleans Saints drafted a young kid out of Texas by the name of Ricky Williams. Now he's famous for something other than his talent on the gridiron, but back in the day, he was quite the running back and had a lethal arsenal of moves. Plus, he had some killer dreadlocks and I thought that was cool, so I started cheering for the Saints. I got a Saints jersey for my birthday one year and would wear it to school occasionally. I can still remember kids like Alex Dahl mocking me and asking, "Who would ever want to wear a Saints jersey?" Obviously, I would, you nimwit. The Saints were a pretty horrible team for the majority of the last decade, so it has been a tough ride, but now they're somewhat decent and have gathered a large following in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Right now, it's a Good Time to be a seasoned Saints supporter.

Porter taking it to the house.

The New Orleans Saints are Super Bowl champions now. It's still hard to believe that they pulled it off. Things were looking pretty crappy in the first quarter and even up until halftime as the Saints fell to an early 10-0 deficit to Indianapolis, but bringing it to 10-6 headed into the half. Unlike all those bandwagon jumpers out there (here's a sure Sign of a bandwagoner - ) who claim, "Oh yeah, I was never worried. I knew they'd come from behind to beat Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl," I was scared. It was looking like another season would end in disappointment for old A-Town, but things changed quickly in the second half. "Oh yeah, I knew they'd do an onside kick to start the second half." Yeah right. NOBODY saw that one coming. As the Saints recovered an onside kick on the first play of the second half, I could Feel the proverbial winds of change as New Orleans took all the momentum. A late fourth quarter interception by Tracy Porter ("Tracy Porter is my favorite player on the Saints.") sealed the deal and sent the Colts home empty-handed as the Saints ended up outscoring Indianapolis 31-7 after trailing 10-0 in the first quarter. The Lombardi Trophy was going home to the Who Dat Nation.

Good work, Drew.

I admittedly Felt a little bad for Peyton Manning, one of my least favorite players in the league. I hate him because he's Good. I hate him because he's a really, really Good guy. And I Felt bad for him because, other than his one interception, he had an impressive game, but he has to take all the blame for his team. He takes his whole team on his shoulders and, win or lose, it's all About Peyton. Classy, classy guy, that Peyton Manning. Sorry, Colts fans.

People are going nuts about ABC's "LOST" again. I had sworn off the show before my mission, but when I got home and my family was in the middle of season three, I got sucked in and ended up catching myself up with the series. I love the show. Think it's extremely well-written. Can't wait for tonight's episode. But I don't make a huge deal proclaiming my love for Ben Linus to the world. Who really cares if I think Ben is a very attractive man? Nobody does. Similarly, nobody wants to hear your top twenty favorite Sawyer nicknames or your favorite season two quotes from Jack. "LOST" fans are terribly, terribly annoying. Here's the deal, folks - it's a TV show, for crying out loud. It's not real. You'll never be in a relationship with James "Sawyer" Ford just like you'll never get Edward to watch you sleep because *whisper* they're not real. Sorry to break it to you.

Sexy.

As this is the sixth and final season of "LOST," I'd like to make a stab as to how it'll end. You may remember that I did this with "Harry Potter" and uh... well, I didn't really come even close, but I'd still like to try again. Did you ever see "Galaxy Quest?" Good show. Great show About the stars of a campy TV show that closely resembles "Star Trek" and their struggle for popularity and fame years after the show was canceled. A critical part of the movie is played by several obsessed teenagers. They end up helping save the crew as they fight for intergalactic peace. I am getting a similar vibe from "LOST." I think they've been setting this up for so long that the writers actually don't know how the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 will get off the mythical island. They'll get 10 or 12 episodes into the final season and will call on hundred of thousands of absolutely obsessed fans to save the survivors from the island - that DOES exist. They'll all hop on a plane and start praying that their plane, too, will crash onto the island. They'll get there, bust out their detailed maps and blueprints of every inch of the island. They'll summon their polar bear friends, the Smoke Monster, and the spirit of long-since-deceased character Charlie and they'll go push a button every 108 minutes for a couple months and then somehow John Locke, Jack Sheppard, and Kate "Freckles" will all disappear, safely returning to their initial destination in Los Angeles. Then the fans will paddle across the ocean for six weeks back to the United States. They'll go to the fictional home towns of their fictional characters which really aren't even fictional at all because they're real and the fans will introduce the survivors to one another since they would never have really met since their flight (which does exist) never actually crashed in the first place. Whew! I know that's probably not making a whole lot of sense right now, but they've got 10 or 12 episodes to set it all up. That's my prediction and I'm fairly confident that's how it will all come to pass.

My omission of The Boo Box last Issue caused a small disturbance so I owe everyone a spectacular entry this Time. I'm not a gigantic college football fan, but everybody who's anybody in the world of sporting knows who Tim Tebow is. He was the quarterback for the Florida Gators for the last four years. People are saying that he's the greatest college football player ever. It's like the Second Coming, they might argue, so to speak. I disagree. I was checking out the Yahoo homepage last week when I stumbled across an article talking about how some NFL stars don't want Tebow to get drafted to their team. This week's boneheads are Holly Anderson (author) and "Dr. Saturday" (graphic designer) who put this article out there. The image of Tebow they chose to publish had Tebow in his uniform with arms outstretched, Photoshopped into the middle of a chorus of trumpet-playing angels in a famous Mormon painting of the Second Coming. Not a Good idea, Dr. Saturday. The article should still be able to be found at http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/blog/dr_saturday/post/Tebow-to-Jags-talk-isn-t-sitting-well-with-at-le?urn=ncaaf,217616. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

Now on to the fun stuff. You all know that I love getting feedback from my Loyal Subscribers and you all know my hatred for my anonymous commenter(s). Luckily this week, we got both. Lots of feedback and lots of the Anonymous Commenter. Many were upset with me about cracking down on the anonymous comments that have been left on the blog site, but I assure you, there was a reason for it. I didn't ever want to talk about the anonymous comments again because it does exactly what she (or he, which it's not) wants. They want publicity and they want me to blow up so they can get a reaction out of me. Well, they'll get their publicity today and this is the last Time it will happen - and it's only happening because it led to a lot of controversy, activity, and attention for my Newsletter and I just wanted to point out how extremely rude and hilariously childish they are. I hope you all enjoy the rest of the Newsletter. I know I will.

I'm 99.9% sure I know who you are, you crazy psycho.

These comments were posted in the last seven days on the blog-formatted Newsletter, which can be seen at www.SignsOfTheTimesNewsletter.blogspot.com. And I quote:

Anonymous: Have you thought about taking a girl on a date that SHE would like to go on? Yes, Jazz games and concerts are pretty awesome dates- but they are what you like to do. And do you usually only talk about yourself on dates? Maybe that's why girls aren't going on second dates with you....Free dates are always the best dates, a lot more interaction and you get to see the person as they really are. Play apples to apples, catch phrase, etc...see what kind of humor they have. Games always bring out the interesting sides of a person.... Oh, I forgot. Good luck.

Jason Moffat: How dare you take a girl to do nice things that most people like to do! How dare you!

Aaron: I'm a horrible person. What can I say? I'm going to start taking girls to the dump.... ...but only when they ask me to take them. Wouldn't want to force them to do anything with me, you know?

Anonymous: maybe going on a date with you is like going to the dump?

Aaron: Who ARE you??

Ammon Hatch: Yeah who are you? I think I'm in love with you.... Assuming you're a girl....

Amber Glissmeyer: Ha ha both you and anonymous have it wrong. I'm a girl, and I love going to Jazz games even though I hate to watch sports on T.V. That said, most girls play the mind game where they think you are doing it to please yourself. So take the girl out for dinner (EVERY girl likes to be taken out for dinner) and get to KNOW her. Once you find out the things she likes to do, take her to do them, whether they be sports, etc. DO NOT just take her home to play apples to apples. That's for later in the relationship. Comedy shows are usually a GREAT idea, because you come out with a lot of fun inside jokes, if she has a good sense of humor. Good luck, hope the suggestions work. My husband did them, and he got married! To me! Ha ha I'm weird.

Adam Wicker: Apples to apples........ Aaron you keep doing what you are doing man, I think the Jazz game will pan out more for you. Haha, I am honestly sitting here trying to think of something deeply sarcastic to say, but I cant. Who would bag on a Jazz game date? As a follow up make sure not to take her to Michael Buble... Things wrong with that post:

1. Everyone Likes Jazz games and concerts

2. Only talk about yourself... how does that even apply to going to a Jazz game.
3. Free dates are always the best dates eh? THATS AN OPINION NOT A FACT!
4. "See a person as they really are" "Games always bring out the interesting sides of a person" I often hear at a wedding how "I knew they were the right one with they beat me in monopoly"
5. Apples to apples... seriously?
Conclusion... Aaron Christensen is just fine in dating how and who he wants.

Anonymous: Yes, and we see his success story written where?

Jason Moffat: Someone's bitter.

Tyson Hinde: Someone is a creepy stalker. Good Luck buddy.

Anonymous: Who am I? Just a loyal A-Town fan.

---

Who wants to date me?

That's P.M.U.!! And sadly, the only thing that really hurt me about those anonymous comments was the hideous lack of grammatical and capitalization skills.

Because it has been clearly established here that I apparently have a problem with my social skills, I'd like to present the next part of the Newsletter in the spirit and style of  **QUESTION TIME!!** and The Two Minute Instant Message. Here are a series of Questions that I asked people on Facebook this afternoon as a sort of... therapy? counseling? I will be in red and everyone else will be in green. For our color blind Subscribers out there, I'll simplify this one and put the names next to the commentary. (If you've read the email version of this Issue, perhaps you noticed that you temporarily went colorblind. Oopsie.) Aaron: What's my problem?
Ammon Hatch: You suck. That's what's wrong with you.

Aaron: Hey, you're a girl... what do girls like to do for first dates?

Erin Fleming: Well, I like to do activities so you get to know the person... no movies.

Aaron: That's not a whole lot of help.

Aaron: Are you so excited for "LOST"?

Amber Hunt: Haha, oh shut up!

Aaron: What do girls like?

Jason Moffat: Money.

Aaron: What do girls like to do?

Jason: Talk.

Aaron: Good enough.

Aaron: What would you like to do on our first date?
Tiffanee Gurney: I dunno. Play Halo?

Aaron: Do I only talk About myself on dates?

[Girl Aaron took on a date once]: Ummm no?

Aaron: What would you like to do on our first date?

Aimee Anderson: Our??

Aaron: Hypothetically speaking, would you be horribly offended if I asked you to go to a Jazz game or a concert for a date?

Megan Dautel: No!

Aaron: Hypothetically speaking, would you be horribly offended if I asked you to go to a Jazz game or a concert for a date?

[Girl that Aaron took to a Jazz game]: Um are ya kidding me? Who wants to go to any sporting event? That's so lame! Go to a concert? Yeah right.

Aaron: Wut.

Aaron: What Time does "LOST" start?

Amy Christensen: Go jump in a hole.

Wasn't that delightful? All I ask is that if you comment on my blog, you leave your name. "Signs of the Times" is a publication for the people - and we prefer that our peeps not be anonymous for this exact reason - it provides a shield for them to hide behind and gives them a supposed excuse to be rude - plus, we just want to know who to file a restraining order against.

We're coming for you.

And finally, another thing that I somehow forgot to do last Issue was the Shoutout of the Week, which has been featured in every single Issue of the Newsletter - ever. So um... Oops. I sometimes just get worried that people will be mad if the Newsletter gets too long. Obviously I threw that out the window this week. If you like it, you'll read it. And if you don't and you made it this far... you might as well just keep going. The Shoutouts of the Week this week go to Cody Christensen an Chris and Kristin Manning, three of the most loyal Colts fans there are. Sorry we beat you guys. It was an intense game, though, and the Colts played well. Believe me, though - I know all about losing. At least the Colts won a couple years ago, right? They'll be back in the hunt in a couple months, so don't worry about it. And don't change, either - stick with your team and stick with them until the end... unless you're a Raiders fan. Then jump ship soon. Just kidding, Duke Dance. Congratulations on the baby, by the way.

Thnks fr th mmrs, you little lovebirds.

Until next Time, Happy Valentine's Day.

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron