Signs of the Times, Issue No. 95 - 03/02/10

My name is Aaron and I now know everything about eBay.

Greetings to one and all on another beautiful Tuesday morning - and you know what that means - it's Time to reveal the next cast of "Dancing with the Stars." We'll get to that later, though. There are other things to be discussed today, including the following: Two years home, three-fourths done, the only Olympic sport ever televised, the return of the A-Town haters, a smooth move by an anonymous friend, traveling the world, the fastest Facebook stalker in Salt Lake City, and the next winner of "Dancing with the Stars." On we go!

I passed the two-year mark of being home from my mission over the weekend. This anniversary came and went pretty quickly, unlike my one-year mark a year ago, which felt like the turn of the century or something. I didn't do anything exciting to celebrate this Time. Just thought a little bit About what has happened over the last two years. It's been a heckuva roller coaster, though. I've had lots of ups and lots of downs, the majority of which have been duly documented in the Newsletter, so I guess I don't need to recap what has gone down. I would like to thank everyone who has had a hand either directly or indirectly in helping me make memories in the past two years. Hopefully the next two years will be equally as enjoyable.

We're three quarters of the way through the scholastic year already. I was surprised when I heard that the high school kids were headed into the fourth quarter of their year and then I realized that my half-semester weight training class ends today. That will be a sad day. That means that if I want to keep going, I'll have to go get a gym membership or something. I was liking this free gym business, but I guess it's over now. It has been a Good ride. The unfortunate thing about trying to get in shape (or ripped, in my case) is that you have to be patient to see the results. Luckily for me, and my family can witness to this, I'm pretty much looking like a 15-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger right now. That's a Good thing. Arnold was a freak at that age. So we keep pressing forward to the end of the school year - only eight weeks left or something like that. I can quit my job in 78 days.

This is basically what I look like.

The Winter Olympics have come to a close. Overall, I'd say that the Olympics were pretty good, other than the fact that pretty much the only thing that was ever on TV when I got a chance to sit down and watch was couple figure skating or ice dancing. Oh geez. Put me out of my misery. I hate that stuff. I did get to see a little bit of the snowboarding and skiing, though, and I saw the Night Train win gold in the four-man bobsled, so that was awesome. I've got a few bones to pick concerning the Olympics, though. First of all, whoever kept writing those articles called "Bode/Vonn/etc. skies out of giant slalom" needs to be slapped. That makes sit seem like they hit a huge jump and went flying through the air and out of the course or something. I believe a more accurate spelling would be "skis," not "skies." Or you could have just said "Bode misses a gate in the giant slalom." He didn't launch in to orbit, did he?? Another problem that I had with the Olympics this go-around was that, even though we're pretty much in the same Time zone as Vancouver (as opposed to China, where everything happens like 12 hours before it's televised), is that I still found out a ton of results online before I got to watch them. That takes the fun out of it. Yes, DVRs are nice, but even though you can record everything to watch later at a more convenient Time, it doesn't guarantee that people online will keep their yappers shut. I was trying so hard not to hear anything about the gold medal hockey game. I was doing really well for a while, but one errant click on somebody's dang Facebook profile and there it was - "The U.S. lost to Canada... blah blah." Needless to say, that friend was immediately unfriended. Bring the Olympics back to Salt Lake City.

The other pressing matter that I must discuss today is the fact that, even though some Subscribers are more Loyal than ever, the number of A-Town haters out there is rapidly increasing. It seems like every three or four Issues, a couple people get violently ill because of something I say in my Newsletter. A) "Signs of the Times" has never purported itself to be anything that even remotely resembles fact. This is simply my opinion, my views on my own life and pop culture. Have I ever personally attacked anyone or made fun of anyone specifically in my Newsletter? Oh yeah. Brett Favre. I forgot. Have I ever specifically attacked any human beings?? No. This brings me to my second point. B) It's called "Feel Good About Yourself Tuesday," not "Feel Bad About Yourself Because Aaron Made Fun of the Way You Eat Your Fruit Loops Tuesday." If I ever say something that pokes fun at one of your strange habits, such as, for instance, using words that do not dictionarily make sense, don't Feel bad About it. And yes, I just made up that word. So what? If you love Brett Favre, love him, no matter what anyone else says. Love the heck out of him - and if I make fun of Brett Favre, love him even more than you did before. Even though I'm always right, you're still entitled to your own opinion, so stop whining to me About it. C) If you still get offended by what I say, get some thicker skin because I'm not being serious 95% of the Time. Maybe more like 75%. And finally, D) I've said it a billion, billion Times and I'll say it again. If you don't like it, don't read it. Put it on my gravestone, Mom. Right below "Michael Jordan pushed off" and "The deer hit me." Next topic, please. Oh, hey. Look at this:

He's the man, I guess.

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "Dear Aaron,

Have you ever considered that you subconsciously desire a horrible dating life merely for the stories?"

Sincerely

- "Charleston Chew"

A. Have you ever considered that you subconsciously created a fake email address for the sole purpose of trying to make it into the Newsletter without looking like my anonymous commenter? Get a life. And not mine, preferably.

Q. "Dear Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of Prognosticators,
It's Time again for one of my favorite shows, 'Dancing with the Stars!' The cast was announced yesterday - who is your pick to win it all this season?"
- Your Mother

A. The Question here is whether or not I can correctly select the winner of "DwtS" for the fourth season in a row. Need I remind anyone that, even though I was never really a fan of the show, I have accurately predicted Brooke Burke, Shawn Johnson, and Donny Osmond to be the eventual champion weeks before the show even started in their respective seasons? Let it be known that I was initially an enemy of this show, but my mom always watches it and would always ask me who I thought would win. After getting it right twice, I have become, more or less, a guru. People come to me for advice. I have contemplated retirement after establishing my absolute status of "GENIUS," I have contemplated voting secretly this Time and then revealing my pick after the season is over... it was really all up in the air. But last night, I checked out the new cast and made up my mind. I'll make my pick right now. I know all the haters will mock me if I'm wrong, but whatever. Three out of four is better than any of you have done, so I don't care. There are some interesting people in the cast, including our old friend, Chad Ochocinco. Others include Kate Goselyn or whoever (still, I don't know why anybody cares about her); ESPN bad girl (I guess), Erin Andrews; and Pamela Anderson. My pick to win "Dancing with the Stars" this season is Olympic gold medalist, Evan Lysacek. I'm sure all the haters are saying, "Durrrr, obviously!" Uh, yeah. Obviously. The man dances on ice - that's harder, I'm assuming, than doing it on hardwood. He's used to rigorous training schedules, memorized routines, and can handle extreme pressure. He's a handsome young fellow and will still be riding the wave of his Olympic popularity. He's the perfect pick. For those of you who want me to do something stupid like choosing Buzz Aldrin, I'm really sorry. We're making it four in a row, baby. I think Evan's toughest competition will come from Nicole Scherzinger, the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls, who is partnered with Derek Hough, the perennial Good guy who can get people to vote for him, even if his partner is a bimbo. Um... what?? Oh yeah - Evan Lysacek. That's where it's at, Peeps. I'll post a poll on the blog site so you can voice your opinions, as well.

Everybody get used to this.

Q. "Dear Aaron,
Why don't YOU go on 'Dancing with the Stars'? You're learning how to dance, right?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties

A. That's a Good Question. (SALUTE!) Well, yes. I'm learning how to dance. I think it was inspired by Donny Osmond's championship run last season of "DwtS." It's tough, though. I'm slow and sometimes not a strong enough leader. I'm having fun with it, nonetheless. You're all jealous. Celebrities on "Dancing with the Stars" have a pretty rigorous routine, working hours a day for several days a week. They also have professional partners. I practice for About an hour a day, twice a week, dancing with other novices. If I had professional help, we'd be in business. It would also help if I was still a celebrity.


Q. "Tyson Hinde wants to know what you think: Why is man two-sided? (Altruistic/Brutal)"

A. (Gotta look up "altruistic.") Altruistic: unselfishly concerned for or devoted to the welfare of others. Brutal: savage, cruel, inhuman. Hmmm... I'm not much of a philosopher, but here's the deal. I don't know. Why are some people one way in person and another way online or under different circumstances? Why can't we all just be nice to everyone all the Time? I think the obvious answer is that people will do anything to get ahead. Everyone wants to get a leg up on their competition, so if that means that they have to suck up to you (sincerely or otherwise) in one situation, then throw you under the bus the next day, they'll do it. If it means that they Feel the need to smash you down in order to make themselves look better, they'll do that, too. It's sad, but that's the way things are sometimes. I've heard rumors that some people think the Newsletter is too negative or pessimistic. Whether or not I agree is a different Question, but I'm looking for new ways to help people Feel Good About Themselves. For example, everyone can email our new friend "Charleston" and congratulate her on having zero grammatical errors in her email to me. I'm serious. [chuck.chew@gmail.com] As soon as I line something else up, be expecting a new Video Exploit to appear on Facebook.

Q. "Aaron,

If you could live anywhere in Utah, where would you live (money put aside)? How About in the US? How About the world?"

- Kathryn Christensen, who adds that "prime" means "careful, it is way hot."

A. Nice to hear from you again, as always. Honestly, I'm not a huge traveler, so I kinda like staying put. I plan on living in Utah for the rest of my life, unless I'm offered a lucrative job opportunity elsewhere. Or if I ever get married and my wife tells me to move. I personally like the Salt Lake Valley. I have really enjoyed my Time in the South Jordan/Draper/Sandy era of my life and wouldn't mind staying pretty close to this general area. As far as the U.S. goes, San Diego has really nice weather and is a fun city. I've always wanted to go to Florida, too. Maybe Orlando? And North Carolina is a great place, as well, but the humidity is a killer in the summer. Globally, I'd probably say Australia. It's pretty much American, right? Kind of like Canada. Canada and I go way back, eh. Here's a little fun fact to close off this segment - Did you know I was horrified of the possibility of leaving North America on my mission? If I had to go foreign, I really wanted Canada, England, or Australia because they're all fairly civilized and English-speaking. Yes, it's true. A-Town is not immune to fear.

I love me some **QUESTION TIME!!** You can email me or contact me on Facebook if you have something you'd like me to answer in next week's Issue.

Everybody is afraid of touching the door when they use public bathrooms. I think they should be more concerned About using the sink. Those are my Two Cents. Think it over and let me know that you agree with me.

This kid that was sitting in front of me in Media and Pop Culture today was Facebook stalking a girl during class. I guess Facebook stalking is a lot less creepy when you're the one doing it or something, but um... he looked through one of the girl's photo albums twice in less than five minutes. Just sayin'... That's P.M.U.!!

Still, I bet this guy gets more dates than me.

As for The Boo Box, let's just say that when it's Olympics Time, you don't mess with America. So Sidney Crosby, you're busted, brother. You blew it. You blew it big Time. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

Wipe that stupid look off your face.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to Ben Bailey who has never read my Newsletter. He has cool Peter Pan hair, will be working with me at EFY this summer, and goes to the University of Utah.

I'd also like to give a Shoutout to Shawn Stockman of Boyz II Men, who has, coincidentally, also not read my Newsletters. He probably never will, either. But he sure was stylish back in the '90s...

That's it for this week. I'll be at the BYU/Utah basketball game tomorrow night. Going stag, by the looks of it. The only girls I know are all BYU fans. And knowingly taking a Cougar into the M.U.S.S. is just not going to happen. As that Hispanic guy with the mustache on "El Reportaje Deportivo" on Univision would say, "Hasta el proximo!"

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron