Signs of the Times, Issue No. 91 - 02/02/10

Rise and shine, campers, and don’t forget your booties ‘cause it’s cold out there! It’s cold out there every day.

What is this? Miami Beach?! Not hardly!

Greetings to one and all. This is your old pal speaking and I’m Feeling especially Good About Myself today for soooo many reasons. Topics to be discussed today: Why I'm no longer going on cool dates, the All-Star snub, the only thing better than a Good plastic surgeon, Super Bowl predictions, a million annoying reasons not to talk about LOST, and a whole lot of groundhog. Too early for flapjacks? On we go!

There are been rumors running rampant on the Internet that I’m bitter and angry about my dating situation. I suppose I should clarify. Am I angry or bitter? No. Being angry is not exactly the road you’d normally take if you’re trying to attract the opposite gender. That wouldn’t accomplish much. What am I, then? Really, really confused. That’s what I am. I am constantly bewildered by the social behavior of our dear young sisters in Zion. I really just don’t know what’s going on. But, need I remind you for the umpteenth Time, the purpose of this Newsletter is not to whine nor complain About my life, but to allow you, the Loyal Subscriber, the anonymous commenter, to take a look at your own life and realize that sometimes you don’t really have it that bad. So just stop worrying about my supposed self-esteem Issues, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

Ned?

I’m done with going on cool dates. I really hope that I never go on a cool date again in my life. Or at least until I get married. If I get married. Then every date will be a cool date because I’ll have the coolest wife ever. If I have a wife. (Jokes, people. Jokes. Don’t try to console me.) Here’s the deal, though. I take somebody to a way sweet Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert and what do they do to thank me? They dump me two days later. I drive 150 miles yesterday to take out a girl from Utah County, I buy her a dang thing of her favorite ice cream, I try to make a Good effort to get to know her, I take her to her first Jazz game ever. I’d be shocked if there were a second date. What am I doing wrong? I can look back on some of my dates and so-called “relationships” and say, “Yeah, I kind of messed that one up. Sure, I probably could have made a better effort to get to know her. I could have communicated better. I should have showered that day, probably.” But I look at some of my recent dates and wonder what I did wrong since, well, I’m still living the single life. I’ve recently discovered what my problem is – I’m doing stuff that’s so cool that anybody would want to go with me. I could poke my eyes out and shave half of my hair off and then ask a girl to go to a concert with me and she’d say yes. I could get a huge Mohawk, get huge gages in my ears, and wear eyeliner and fishnets and ask anyone in the state to go to a Jazz game and they’d accept. Why? Because it’s awesome and they don’t have to pay. That’s why I’m never going on a cool date again. They’re not going for me. They’re going for the date. So I’m going back to my cheap Snow College ways of trying really hard not to spend money on anything – and, if I remember correctly, I did pretty well that way. I’m going to start going to free dinners and dollar movies and playing football in the city park. That way, I’ll only attract the Good girls – the ones that are actually interested in me and not in going to high profile events downtown. And if I can’t find a date for this Thursday, I’ll take my mom or something. I’m sure she wouldn’t be opposed to a free dinner.

You got the moisture on your head.

While we’re still talking about Jazz games, last night I wrapped up my attendance for the season after seeing my fourth game of the season. The Jazz went 3-1 when I was at the games this season, beating the Pacers, losing to the Nuggets, walloping the Nets, and handing it to Dirk Nowitski and the Mavericks last night. I had a lot of fun at the games this season and enjoyed going to see the Jazz play. And I still think that Boozer’s numbers are better than Deron’s this season. I know that doesn’t make me a very popular man with all the ignorant fans out there, but it’s true. Carlos Boozer has had an All-Star caliber season this year and deserved to be on the team. However, because I don’t want all these psychos to strangle me, I will clarify that Deron has been one of the top two or three point guards in the league for three or four seasons now and it’s about time he made the team. Boozer still got snubbed, though.

Maybe He's just been around so long he knows everything.

Apparently Facebook’s “Doppelganger Week” has turned into “Doppelganger Month.” As to who or what a “Doppleganger” is is anyone’s guess, but the concept is that you’re supposed to post a picture of celebrity that people have said that you resemble as your profile picture. (I Wikipedia-ed "Doppelganger," so I know what it means now, thank you.) I’ve seen a lot of my friends and relatives participating in this thing and there are some of the pictures where I can say, “Yeah, I can see that.” There are some, in fact, that really do look a lot like the Facebook user that posted it. My favorite pictures are the ones that don’t look like that person at all. Catherine Zeta-Jones?? (Audible laughing.) Wishful thinking, sister. Wishful thinking. People are hilarious. I know you’re all wondering, so I’ll answer your Question right now – No, I won’t do it for two reasons: A) I want to keep my current profile picture until the Super Bowl and B) I have too much self-respect to change my profile picture to one of Robert Pattinson.

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. “Dear Aaron,

What’s your prediction for the Super Bowl this Sunday? Hope your Saints stick it to Peyton!!”

Just Curious,

- The Junior Mounties

A. (SALUTE!) Thanks for the Question, fellahs. I’m looking forward to this year’s Super Bowl. I believe that the two best teams in the league are in the championship this year, which is nice. Also, as I’ve already mentioned, I’ve been cheering for the Saints for a decade and now they’re in the Big Game – and “America’s Team” or whatever, which bugs me… bandwagon jumpers… I was really thinking that the Colts were going to kill the Saints until I learned of Dwight Freeney’s recent injury, which will severely limit his playing time if he even plays at all. Freeney is one of the league’s premier pass rushers and defenders and his potential absence could really hurt Indianapolis. I’m going to say Saints in what should be a close one and a high scoring affair. The real Question, though, is who Madden 2010 says will win the game. It looks like the simulation ended up with the Saints winning, 35-31. The annual Madden simulation has correctly picked the Super Bowl Champion five out of the past six years, including last year when the simulation ended up being only four total points off of the real score. I hope they're right again this year.

Q. “Think it’ll be an early spring?”

- Porkchop

A. I’m predicting March 21. Don’t mess with me, Porkchop.

It's gonna be cold and it's gonna be gray... and it's gonna last you the rest of your life.

Q. "People often talk about making the world a better place. How do you do that?

Keep up the fine work. And don't get all worked up about girls. << insert 'fish in the sea' colloquialism here >>"

- Dallin Akagi

A. If one wanted to make the world a better place, here's what I would suggest: Start by studying meteorology. Take an annual road trip with some friends. Take piano lessons. Study 19th Century French poetry. Help old women change a flat tire. Make friends with a homeless man. Give him chicken soup. Catch a kid as he falls out of a tree. Save the mayor from choking on his dinner. And finally, after making a beautiful ice sculpture of the woman you love, it will be a happy ending for everybody. Results are best achieved when practiced habitually upwards of 15 Times. Try it out, maybe. And oh yeah - don't drive on the railroad tracks.


Q. "Apparently players of 'Little Big Planet' get a free groundhog costume. Did you get yours?"
- J. Scott Aylett

A. Not yet. But I will. Then I'll smack him in the head with a frying pan. Thanks for letting me know.


Q. "Does Satan have a last name?"
- A Loyal Subscriber

A. Seacrest.


Finally, **QUESTION TIME!!** has returned to prominence! Email "Signs of the Times" and get your Questions answered.


I didn't watch the Grammys, but I've seen Lady Gaga's outfits and I also saw a clip of all the celebrities dressed up in their fancy outfits and 3D glasses. That's P.M.U.!!


LOST is a hot topic on the planet today. It's the beginning of the sixth and final season tonight and people are absolutely freaking out about it. I think that people have the Feeling that I hate Jazz fans and now they'll surely think that I hate LOST fans. I don't hate them. It just gets to a point where they all become extremely annoying to me. There are many LOST fans that are not annoying and there are certain ways to be a fan that are not ridiculously obnoxious. If you've recently (or ever, for that matter) posted a status update telling the world how much you want to be locked in a polar bear cage with Sawyer or how you're going to name your first five children after Jack, Kate, Charlie, Desmond, and Juliette, it's Time for you to get a life. If you've been counting down the seconds until the premiere for the last nine months, you should probably consider branching out and trying new things - like eating lunch or showering or something. I am just so excited for tonight when I can log on Facebook and see 100 different status updates about tonight's episode. And if you're not caught up yet like my friend Amber Hunt, you might want to probably barricade yourself in a room without a TV for a couple months. Or years. I'm excited for tonight's premiere, but you don't need to know that so I won't mention it.

My dad was a piano mover, so...

And finally, it's that Time again. The Time when we all gather 'round the television to see whether or not Phil (the groundhog, Phil) sees his shadow. I guess this year he both texted and Tweeted his answer, which was, of course, "better late than never." According to the poll on the blog site, four respondents said there would be six more weeks of winter, one said it would be an early spring, and I, obviously, chose correctly, predicting March 21.

Until next Time, you little woodchuck chuckers, I'm off to watch "Groundhog Day," one of the greatest movies ever made. So put your little hand in mine. There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb.

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron