What is this? Miami Beach?
Greetings to one and all. This is Aaron and it's freeeeeeeeezing! Once again, there is much to talk about in this Issue of "Signs of the Times." Topics to be discussed today: Precipitation, swine flu, cool kids and their NBA alignment, collegiate recognition for the Newsletter, quality blogs, a car conspiracy, and the end of the world as we know it. On we go!
By popular demand, it's Time once again for The Boo Box! I believe that today's offender is well deserving. I woke up today and looked outside for the promised 90% chance of snow, but didn't see anything. It looked dark and cloudy, but it wasn't even raining. Obviously, the weathermen got it wrong. I rushed out the door without my raincoat and my umbrella, which was in my car (more on that later). I hopped on TRAX and took my daily nap on the way to my internship at 5:30. When I got off the train at Trolley Square, it was raining. Luckily it wasn't raining hard because, as I said, I had come unprepared. By the time I left at 8:30, it was snowing. By the time I had gotten out of my first class at around 10:30, it was snowing the loudest I have ever heard in my life. Perhaps you don't understand what I mean when I say that. I mean, the snow was coming down so hard that it sounded like rain. They were rather small flakes, so I found this a little interesting. It has been coming down pretty consistently since then. Not a whole lot of the snow is sticking, but it still bugs me. It's about thirty degrees outside, if not colder, and today surely marks the beginning of a long, six-month winter. Now, why on Earth there was a guy outside jogging in the snow this afternoon is beyond me. What are you trying to prove, you ding-dong? Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!
Uphill both ways, right? Oh wait... We talked about that...
With the cold weather introducing itself to us so kindly today, many of you are undoubtedly worried about becoming sick. Further, I bet a lot of you are worried about the swine flu. Let me tell you this. I'm not afraid of the swine flu. The biggest problem that swine flu poses to me is bad grammar. For some reason I always want to type "flue." It bothers me. Really, though, swine flu is my friend. It canceled one of my classes last Monday. It canceled one one my classes today. That is always welcome news to me. I worked with sick kids all dang summer long and I didn't get sick, nor did any of my kids. I think people are a little too paranoid about it, honestly. People die from the normal flu every year, too, so why should we be any more worried than we already are every year? I don't get it. But seriously, if you have swine flu, stay the heck away from me.
"I hope we don't get mono, too!"
The NBA season is starting again tonight and you know what that means - time for everyone to pretend the love the Jazz again. I remember whining about this last year, too, but it still annoys me. I'll recap a little bit of my argument from last year and then I'll give you a couple steps to follow if you want to become a poser fan, yourself. I've been a Jazz fan for nearly 23 years. My parents used to have season tickets, so I got a chance to go to a lot of games during the course of the season. I followed the Jazz back when Thurl Bailey roamed the low post. Both times. Did you even know that Big T played for the Jazz twice? I remember yelling at Luther Wright to get his big, lazy butt down the court on defense. I remember Jaime Watson being in the dunk competition. In fact, I also remember DeShawn Stevenson and David Benoit in the dunk competition, as well. Do you remember that? I remember when Blue Edwards came back to Utah after being traded to Minnesota. If memory serves, he tried to pick a fight with Adam Keefe. I remember Ronny Seikaly intentionally missing his flight so he didn't have to come to Utah. I remember anti-Utah remarks from Derek Harper and Brian "Bison Dele" Williams, saying how Salt Lake City stunk (literally) and nobody would want to come here. I remember the Jazz sweeping the Lakers in the playoffs. I remember Kobe airballing threes in the first round of the playoffs against us in his rookie year and then watching him walk off the court in shame. In fact, in that same series, Shaq, Kobe, and the gang jumped around chanting "Down, down, down! Utah's going down!" Good times. I remember Jim Gray asking Karl Malone when the last time he cried was. I remember Chris Morris and Greg Foster. Can you remember Raul Lopez and Carlos Arroyo? I remember "The Shot" and "The Push..." and if you don't know what I'm talking about there, PLEASE don't consider yourself a real fan. The point is, if you think you're a bigger Jazz fan than me just because you know which shoe Matt Harpring puts on first, please reconsider.
"Who am I?"
Are you feeling left out of the conversation here? Don't fret, little one. There is still hope. Pay close attention. The following points will help you to become a poser Jazz fan like the rest of those bums out there that change their Facebook status to say that they smell a championship coming to Utah this year after one preseason win. If you want to be cool and trendy like them and cheer for the Jazz simply because that's suddenly the popular thing to do, I know just how to do it.
First of all, you must understand what basketball is. It's a sport where you try to shoot the ball in the hoop. Got it? Ok. The next thing you need to know is that Utah has a professional team in the National Basketball Association. They're called the Jazz. The Utah Jazz. The main players are Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer, but if you go strictly for looks, just tell people that your favorite player is Kyle Korver. He's the one that is hot like Ashton Kutcher. Jazz fans typically hate the Los Angeles Lakers. Kobe Bryant is a bad person because he got away with something very immoral one time. He is also infamous for getting away with lots of things during basketball games, like offensive fouls and traveling violations. Tell everyone that you hate Kobe and you'll fit right in. Poser Jazz fans place heavy importance on the preseason, which everyone knows doesn't even count, but people will really think you're a real Jazz fan if you try to watch every preseason game, especially ones on the road. Another great thing to do if you want to look like a Jazz fan is to purchase tickets to a home game. Make sure you're wearing a Kyle Korver jersey if you're a girl or a Deron Williams jersey if you're a guy. Take pictures of yourself with some friends during the pregame shoot-around and post them on your Facebook profile. If you can get an old school jersey, that will make you look like you've cheered for the Jazz for about fifteen years, even if you're only fourteen years old. The old ones are white with purple, yellow, and green trim. If all you do during the game is talk to your friends and cheer when Korver makes a three, you're fine. But when people ask you about the game, be sure to tell everyone that it was the best basketball game ever played by man and that the Jazz are going to kill the Spurs in the playoffs. Mehmet Okur is clearly way better than Tim Duncan. In the upcoming weeks, make sure you research the college statistics of every bench warmer on the team, like Kosta Koufus and especially Eric Maynor. He's going to be the second best point guard in the league, other than Deron Williams, of course. If you can find out the technical term for the injury that C.J. Miles suffered in the preseason, you'll be yet another step ahead of the casual fan. Be sure to talk about it with your family at the dinner table. I'm sure they'll be impressed. There are other things of great importance that you can know, too, like what kind of hair products Andrei Kirilenko uses, how Paul Millsap likes his steak, and funny superstitious beliefs of Ronnie Price. Oh, and if you know how many free throws Ronnie Brewer takes on the average team practice on Thursdays in March, that's important, too.
There's Ashton on the left and Kyle on the right... Or... Hang on. Which one is he again?
With your newfound knowledge and trivia facts under your belt, people would love to know all about it. Make sure that every time there is a Jazz game being televised that you let people know by changing your Facebook status and starting an event called "AWESOME JAZZ PARTY 2NITE AT MY PAD" and invite everyone over to watch the game with you. While watching the game, you can keep everyone up-to-date with accurate statistics, like the number of minutes played by each team member when substitutions are made.
It's a lot of work, isn't it? But just think, how impressed I'll be if you can bless me with your abounding knowledge of Jazz statistics every time we talk! You're the bees knees, my friend. You really are.
While we're still kind of on the subject of Facebook, there are two things I'd like to mention. First of all, to all those people out there that are complaining about how much they hate the new Facebook, just put a lid on it. How about that? For some unknown reason, Facebook's programmers have decided to make their bi-monthly layout switch. This Time, I'm really struggling to understand why they changed it and what, in fact, they even changed. Seems to me that they just totally messed with the news feed and it's super annoying. Whatever. Don't join groups called "Facebook will switch the news feed back if 1,000,000 join this group!!" No they won't.
And secondly, it is my great pleasure to announce that "Signs of the Times" was used as a source in a recent essay written by a college student at Utah Valley University, entitled "The Fall of American Society," which describes how the use of social networking websites is among the chief causes of poor social etiquette, manners, and grammar. On behalf of all of us here at "SotT," I would like to extend a heartfelt thanks to that college student and wish him success in his future scholastic endeavors.
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "Did you know that the numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial?"
- A friend of Honest Abe
A. To answer your Question, no, I wasn't aware of that interesting fact. Unfortunately, I don't have any fives lying around. I only have ones that I get in tips at the Coast. However, I just looked up a picture of a five-dollar bill online and zoomed in. I'm not going to lie. I didn't see any numbers. Maybe I'm just blind. Can anybody verify this and get back to me? Thanks, pals.
"Anybody seen some numbers lying around here?"
Q. "Dear Sirs,
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?"
- "Einstein"
A. Interesting. Ten millimeters would be the equivalent of one centimeter, but with insects, I think it's a different story, sadly for you. I'm afraid the answer here is "probably not." But thanks for asking, anyway.
Q. "Dear Aaron,
What are your Feelings about Halloween?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties
A. (SALUTE!) I hate Halloween. I love the candy, but I think that a bunch of adults dressing up like bumblebees and jail inmates is a little ridiculous. I can see the hate mail pouring in as we speak.
"Trick or Treat?"
Q. "Aaron, my boy!
What a spectacular newsletter you have here. I am overly-joyed that it has continued over the years and now is in its third installment, I hear. I am deeply saddened that I was denied the glorious privilege of reading your newsletter for 2 straight years. But, alas, it was made up in other ways. I am quite thrilled to have access to your newsletter in more varied formats. It sure makes it more accessible to the busy businessmen like myself. Bravo, A-Town. A job well done. I am pleased to tell you that I am still, and always have been, a major supporter of Feel Good About Yourself Tuesday. Sadly, there are those who wish to pervert this tried and true practice of optimism. Shocking, I know. (I for one am absolutely abhorred.) On my mission it was often referred to P-day Eve, but I often corrected my comrades that it was actually FGAYT. I also came across a rather bizarre older gentleman who called it (edited for civilized subscribers) SH** day. (Sure-Happy-It's-Tues-day) I was among the first to acknowledge that it was his right to observe what ever day he wished, but that that Thursday also qualified and that he shouldn't blaspheme against FGAYT. In a roundabout way, I would like to ask you a favor. Will you please share with your loyal subscribers the true origin and definition of FGAYT? It seems that a call to repentance needs to be made. I mean it is disintegrating as we speak!!! The values of FGAYT will change behavior faster than the study of behavior will change behavior. Please, help me know that I am not alone in my fight against pessimism!!!
I would like to ask another Question at this time as well. How do you do it? I mean more specifically your phenomenal newsletter? I have tried to publish my own newsletter, but it doesn't seem to have the same following or quality as you do. What is the best method to make a newsletter one that people would like to read? I think I have already come to the conclusion that quantity is not the same as quality. Any advice you might be able to provide would be greatly appreciated."
I would like to ask another Question at this time as well. How do you do it? I mean more specifically your phenomenal newsletter? I have tried to publish my own newsletter, but it doesn't seem to have the same following or quality as you do. What is the best method to make a newsletter one that people would like to read? I think I have already come to the conclusion that quantity is not the same as quality. Any advice you might be able to provide would be greatly appreciated."
- Jonathan Blackham
A. In regards to the origins of "Feel Good About Yourself Tuesday," please refer to Issue No. 56, which contains a detailed description of our high school crusade against pessimism. Great quote, by the way - "The values of FGAYT will change behavior faster than the study of behavior will change behavior." As for your second Question, I must say, that is one of the best ones I've heard in a long time. How do I do it? Well... the thing is that I just do it. To be quite honest, I'm really kind of self-conscious about the Newsletter and basically envision the idea that nobody reads it or likes it. I keep writing it anyway, though, and figure that if people don't like it, they don't have to read it. If they really don't like it, they'll probably tell me to stop writing it. I haven't had too many haters out there over the years, so it just keeps going. I think that if you can write a blog that people can relate to, they'll enjoy reading it. That's why I don't give a crud about people who blog about having babies, you know what I mean? That's why I write about a lot of the crappy things that happen in my everyday life. I Feel like people have a lot of experiences like the ones I write about, which hopefully makes it somewhat humorous. Another thing that I like is recurring segments. I found out about these when I first got into radio. Letterman, Leno, and the like use them all the time, too. Help your readers become familiar with the blog. I get people talking to me about what they'd like to see in The Boo Box all the time. In fact, I probably get more feedback about that segment than any of the others because people can relate to it and people know that I'll talk about it every week. I guess I could talk about this subject for a while, but this Issue is getting a little lengthy and I'm not done yet. Quality over quantity, right? Email me if you're interested in talking more about it.
Here's something that everybody's been talking about recently. Yes, my friends, it's the end of the world. Heck is freezing over. I'm dating somebody. This is a bit of a touchy subject. I mainly only talk about the bad dating stories in the Newsletter because uh... I get a lot of female hate mail when I write about the good stuff, for some odd reason... Anyway, I went to Ephraim for Snow's Homecoming last weekend and I soon found out that there are some places you can't take a girl without a couple people asking who she is. So anyway, yes, the rumors are true. You can send me a Question at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com. I might not answer it, depending on what you ask. You see, Jon Blackham, some people don't have brains, so you have to be selective with the amount of information you share. Anyhoo, Ephraim was great. Blog site voters said I was most likely to go to McDonald's while I was down there and they were right! Yes, I'm a cheapskate, but you can't say you've been to Ephraim if you haven't gone to McDonald's. We also took pictures in front of WalMart. Didn't see any kids on leashes, though. We were in the parade with the KAGE, which was pretty awesome. Duke Dance is a good man. He doesn't read my Newsletter. So... yes... Next topic.
Dang.
I think I'm the victim of a conspiracy. I took my car in to get worked on last week. I paid them 400 bucks to fix two of the doors and turn off the "CHECK ENGINE" light. I picked the car up on Friday afternoon. On Saturday night, the light came back on. Apparently it's going to take 700 dollars to fix it this time. I'm pretty sure they're just flipping a switch on and off, though, and seeing how gullible I am. I wish I knew where the switch was so I could just fix my own car for free.That's P.M.U.!!
Very tricky, Ray. Very tricky... I want my money back.
The Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week is Chad "Ochocinco," whose 118 yards receiving, 2 TDs, and 25.80 fantasy points helped propel my "Pocket Protectors" back into first place in the league. Also, I've got to pat myself on the back for bouncing back from forgetting to make my Pick 'Em picks last week and correctly choosing 12 out of 13 games last weekend. Boo yah. If I can do that every week for the rest of the season, I might stand a chance of winning.
Maybe they should call him "Ocho Brinco."
The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to hmmm... How about Hilarie Laukat? I don't know if she's had a Shoutout in a while and I saw that she recently sent me an email, so I guess that's good enough. Plus, she's super cool, and that doesn't hurt, either.
That's about it for this week. In closing, I'd like to say, along with every popular kid in the Salt Lake valley, GO JAZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KORVER IS A BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok. Maybe that was a little excessive.
Until next Time,
Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.
Aaron
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