Signs of the Times, Issue No. 75 - 10/13/09

I can't believe it. The construction on State Street is finally over. It's a miracle.

Greetings to one and all. Aaron speaking. Tuesday, Tuesday once again and that means it's another Issue of the Newsletter, which, according to online voters, should continue to be published forever. Topics to be discussed today: Homeless people, Fall Break, another Triumphant Return to the Home of the Badgers, "Chris Columbus: Raw, uncut, and off the record," another Nobel Prize shocker, Black Friday, and several rude awakenings. On we go!

I wish that taking pictures of people in public without their knowledge wasn't super creepy... because I thought of another fun game to play on TRAX. We could have the "Homeless Person of the Day" and put pictures up on the blog site. Admit it. That would be fun.

Vote for me.

Well, it's Fall Break this week. Doesn't Feel like it, though. I don't have school this week, but I'm still waking up at 4:30 every morning to make it to my internship. I've increased my work schedule this week to make up for the last couple weeks when I haven't had many hours. That has been nice, though, because I'm so busy with the internship and school that some days I just don't Feel like working. I'm telling you. I'll be happy when this semester is over.

I'm going back to Ephraim next weekend. It's a little mini KAGE staff reunion so we can take some pictures that we didn't get last year. I intend on staying down there for the day, though, as it is Homecoming, so I'll be going to the football game and reliving the glory days. Maybe I'll even take a stroll over to WalMart and watch some kids get put on a leash. Good times. Man, I miss those Locals...

You go get the corndogs and I'll look for more ammunition. Which way is aisle five?

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q.  "Dear Aaron,

How is work going? Do you ever get bored there? How is the tip money coming along?"

Love,

- The Fan Club

A. Work is all right. Not a lot of hours lately, like I said, but that hasn't been a bad thing, necessarily. I don't get bored too often at work because we're usually pretty busy or at least have a couple people coming in. So when there is down time, I don't have much time to be bored. The tip money is still coming in pretty steadily. Some days are better than others, but I recently went to the bank to cash in almost a hundred bucks in one-dollar bills, so that was exciting. Speaking of exciting, I think we could get more tips if we did something to elicit some attention... Like... What if we had something that played mariachi music every time somebody donated to us? We could have a pet monkey pop up from underneath the counter, perhaps. Or my personal favorite: I could spray paint myself, dress up in metallic gold, and wear a bowler hat like those crazy street performers and then every time somebody put money in the tip jar I could do the robot. The possibilities are virtually endless. Really, though, I think I'm on to something.

Thanks for the tip, kiddo.

Q. "Dear A-Town,

Why do I never get a Shoutout? Does this hate stem from your hatred for my awesome blog? Also, I had a dream where you shot a unicorn man through the head with an arrow. I guess that's it... Ehh..."

- "The Reverend" Royal Bateman

A. You bring up a valid argument. What a tragedy. I'm unaware if you have recently, if ever, received a Shoutout of the Week. I'll see what I can do to fix that. As for this shooting unicorns business... That's crazy. I love the blog and think it actually has one of the best names I've ever heard. Thanks for the Question.

Here we see the fabled Unicorn Man in his natural environment.

Q. "Dear Aaron,

Why shouldn't you ever date somebody in the same ward that you go to? We've heard horror stories."

Just Curious,

- The Junior Mounties

A. Well, it's usually because she'll dump you and show up in Sacrament Meeting the next week with somebody else in the ward that she's already kissed. (SALUTE!) That sure makes for an awkward three hours.

Q. "My Question is in honor of Columbus Day. What do you think of Christopher Columbus? Do you think he was a great, adventurous man, or do you think he was a crazy drunk who was trying to run away from his problems? - Or is he somewhere in between? Best wishes for Columbus day. Hope it was fabulous. I know it's your favorite holiday."

- Vanessa Young

A. Christopher Columbus... Christopher Columbus... Navigator of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, am I right? Sailed to America in the name of exploration. When he got here, he mistakenly called the Native Americans "Indians" because he thought he had arrived in the West Indies. He soon grew to love his new dark-skinned amigos and married one of them that called herself Pocahontas.  He and Pocahontas celebrated the first Thanksgiving together, which, according to M. Night Shyamalan, featured a tossed salad. Later in life, he moved to Ohio, where he founded one of the biggest cities in the state and named it after himself. Ohio is also the birthplace of Wendy's, which was created by Dave Thomas, who is the great-great-grandson of a woman named Wendy, who J. M. Barrie (who learned of Columbus as a child in school) said fell in love with Peter Pan, a boy who never wanted to grow up. Kind of a backward story, if you ask me. At least, that's what they taught me in middle school. So the verdict of the day is that Columbus was a good guy. I mean, I loved "Hook." That movie was awesome.

Yes, it's me, Chris Columbus, the director of the first three "Harry Potter" movies.

Q. "Esteemed Mr. Christensen,

We are pleased to inform you that your application for the Nobel Peace Prize has been received. At this time we request a short sample of your qualifications for the award. Note: Response need not be extensive or lengthy. Any minor recognitions or nominations will be sufficient. Thank you for your continued intentions to resolve world hunger and aspirations of reducing global warfare in hope for peace."

Warm regards,

- The Nobel Peace Prize Committee

A. Wow, honestly, I'm shocked. I didn't think my application would go through. I really appreciate your willingness to consider me for the Peace Prize. I have every intention of reducing nuclear warfare and spreading peace to all seven continents. I would really like to stop terrorism. Along those lines, I never really liked "Mmm Bop" by Hanson. I am disgusted by people who make a mess at their table in restaurants, but I still clean up after them. I want that to stop. I would also like to take this time to thank my parents for raising me in a home that always ate our vegetables because we all knew about those starving kids in Africa. They always taught me that it was not good to blow other people up and things like that and I think that really helped define my personality as someone who really intends to do a lot of good. Please pick me for the Nobel Peace Prize. I think I am qualified and I deserve it a lot. Thanks again and please pick me. Thanks.

Wow, those were some good ones this week. Thank you. If you have something you want to ask, email me at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com

For those of you that are keeping track, which is hopefully none of you, this Friday is "Black Friday" - The day that that one girl I was dating for six months or however long it was is getting married. (What was her name again? I can't seem to recall it...) I just thought I'd point that out. Personally, I'll be happy once it's over because then it's officially over. Well... Nevermind. It's been officially over for a long time now. Hmmph...

I've got two Shoutouts of the Week this week. The first one goes to Federico Rodriguez and the second one goes to a mystery recipient that will be selected at random.

Fred - You know, I really hate Facebook chat. I see it as a cop-out way to express frustration without having to do it in person over the phone. I also believe it can ruin personal relationships with close friends. BUT, there are a select few out there with whom I feel that my relationship (platonic, mind you) has been strengthened though the use of instant messaging. You, my friend, are one of them. I still believe that we are brothers that were separated from the foundation of the Earth and I eagerly await you so we can play Madden and Rock Band. Whenever you're ready, brother... Whenever you're ready.

The mystery Subscriber selected at random is.......... You've got to be kidding me! Is this true? It's Royal Bateman! Wow. What a coincidence. Royal, you're a good man and I hope you're taking care of the KAGE for me. I also hope you got a new computer. Anyway, your blog is great. "The Royal Flush" can be read at http://www.flushingroyal.blogspot.com The man has some crazy dreams... and that's the truth.

Royally Flushed.

It's Time again for the most beloved of all segments, The Boo Box. This week, it's Brett Favre! Juuuuust kidding. It's always Brett Favre. I hate that guy. No, here's the deal. I ride the TRAX train a couple times a day to go to my internship and school and because I have to get up so early every day, I usually try to sneak in a power nap here and there. Well, yesterday I was really hungry on the way back from X96 and I started dozing off. I started having a dream that I was eating something - I think it was actually pork rinds, which are gross, but I didn't care. It was a dream. There I was, just munching away. I can't remember if they tasted any good in the dream, but I remember that I was satisfied. Then I woke back up and looked down at my hands, only to see that I didn't have any food and was still starving. Then today, I distinctly remember two very attractive girls getting on the train and sitting on the bench adjacent to mine behind the kid with headphones that kept looking at his cell phone. I opened my eyes and realized that I was the only passenger in the car. If you've ever had a rude awakening from a sweet dream, join with me. Everybody together now -  BOOOOOO!!

Dude, check out that hot chick.

All right, I'm about ready to get out of here and head to work, so let's wrap things up with the Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week. This is a weird one - the Superstar of the Week actually was a free agent last week, so too bad nobody had him on their team! They missed out. Miles Austin of the Dallas Cowboys had a franchise record of 250 receiving yards on Sunday. He also caught two touchdowns, essentially winning the game in overtime. I really could have used those 47 fantasy points because Dave-Train passed me and I'm in second place now. Dang you, Peyton Manning.

Nobody likes me.

That's about it, ladies and gents. The dilemma my polls faced last week was that four voters believe that Gene Wilder is a better Willy Wonka than Johnny Depp, but four people thought that Depp was better than Wilder. I expect not only more participation and voting this week, but also an odd number of voters. Take five seconds and vote for the polls. It's your civic duty.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron