Signs of the Times, Issue No. 76 - 10/20/09

If you don't like it, you can shove it/But you don't like it, you love it.

Now I'll be up here in a rage/'Til they bring the curtain down on the stage.

- Weezer

Greetings to one and all. Apparently Mother Nature forgot to check the calendar when she woke up this morning because it looks depressing outside. It's Tuesday, for crying out loud, and I've got some stuff on my mind. Topics to be discussed today: Football false starts, Fall Break, fantasy dancing, Newsletter production, "Fashion with Nick," stupid shoppers, and a little chat with one of my best buds. But first, it's been a while since we've heard from the A-Town Haters. On we go!

Let's get something out of the way right off the bat. Apparently somebody out there doesn't like the Newsletter very much. I deleted two comments on the blog site (www.SignsOfTheTimesNewsletter.blogspot.com) last Tuesday because, well, quite frankly, I'm trying to put my best foot forward. If the only comments I get are negative ones, what will people think of me? And everybody knows that the public opinion of one's reputation is all that matters nowadays, right, President Obama? Anyhoo, the first comment told me that I have no right to whine about my dating life. Hmm... Last Time I checked, it was mine, wasn't it? I can whine about whatever I want. The second comment said that my Newsletter was one of "the most uneventful blogs out there," in the reader's opinion. "Just sayin'," he or she concluded. In a post script, they also asked how many girls I've kissed. That was interesting. I'm not going to answer that Question - EVER - just to spite them. Any by the way, when was the last time you read a blog with a Boo Box, weekly Questions, Shoutouts, Subscriber emails, a Two-Minute Instant Message, Fantasy Football advice, reality TV recaps, and interactive polls that get updated every week, among other segments? Sounds pretty uneventful to me.

A little hurt mail never hurt anybody.

My Question for you readers out there that don't like hearing about my crappy dating stories or thing that my Newsletter is boring or uninteresting, why on Earth do you keep reading it? Just sayin'... P.S. Nice try attempting to disguise yourself as two different people - probably males. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're a girl that's upset that I won't date you for some reason or another. You gotta be quick! You gotta be quick with me. I'm from Erie, P.A.

BUT, in other news, I got an unexpected message on Facebook the other day. I'll give it to you in its entirety because it pretty much made my day. And I quote:

"Just want you to know... I somehow ran across your articles that you write; I was looking at blogs. I could not stop reading. You are so interesting and freaking hilarious. Love your articles!"
- Marci Palmer

At least there are still a couple Loyal A-Towners out there... even if they're doing it by accident.

Love you, too.

Time to talk football. First of all, I need to explain something so you can duly appreciate the atrocity that I'm about to tell you. My family sets up a "Pick-Em" league every year, in which we try to accurately predict the outcome of each NFL game of the week. We do it online now, but this tradition is so old school that we used to do it the prehistoric way - on a clipboard. Never in my decade or so of making picks have I ever forgotten to do so, much less even missed the deadline. I have made my picks every single time. Well... Can't say that anymore. I forgot about it this week, mistakenly thinking that I had already done them. Luckily, I checked my results about half-way through the afternoon, so I got to make a whopping total of six selections this week. My season is essentially over now that I'm ten games back from the leader... and Heaven knows how much I hate losing to my mom...

Speaking of things that I hate, it's this week's Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week. It really pains me to admit who won this week. It really does. Surprisingly, no, it's not Ol' Man Favre. It's one of my other least favorite quarterbacks in the league. But I have to give it to him... He totally destroyed his opponents on Sunday. Tom Brady gets the award this week. I'm disgusted. But seriously, have the Titans never seen snow before or something? It was embarrassing to watch. They couldn't catch anything, the couldn't hold on to the ball, and they couldn't stay within fifteen yards of Brady's receivers. Brady set a new NFL record this week by throwing five - count 'em, FIVE - touchdowns in the second quarter alone. The Patriots ended up crushing Tennessee, 59-0. Brady's stats were an incredible 380 yards and six TDs, giving him a total of 83.20 fantasy points. Congratualtions, "Utah By 5," you won the week with 263 total points.

"I'm Tom Brady and I'm awesome."

**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q. "Hey A-Town,
What did you do for Fall Break? Anything exciting?"
Love,
- The Fan Club

A. You guys... Always wanting to know about my personal life... Didn't you see me? Flying high over Colorado in that UFO? Just kidding. I was in my room the whole time. I'm sorry. That's P.M.U.!!

"Ok, maybe this was a bad idea... WAIT!!"

Q. "Dear Aaron,
Don't you think that Donny Osmond deserves to be the Fantasy Dancer of the Week?"
- A Loyal Subscriber

A. Unfortunately, there is no such segment, but if there was, he'd totally get it. I'll be honest, I stayed up way too late last night (as in, like 11:00 - GASP!) watching my mother's beloved "Dancing with the Stars" and my home slice (and pick to win it all), Donny Osmond, received the highest score of the evening, receiving a score of 29 out of 30. Go get 'em, Donny! Do it for the Mormons! Beat Aaron Carter and Mya. Beat them down.

"You know I was married in the temple, right?"

Q. "How long does it take you to write a Newsletter? As you go about your daily business, are you constantly thinking, 'Hmm... this will surely make the Newsletter next week!' or is it one of those things where you sit down at the keyboard, stretch your hands and say 'Hmm... what should I write about this week?'"

I hope you have a great Tuesday!

- Hilarie Laukat

A. This gets the award for Question of the week, surely. Thanks, Hilarie! I'd say that it typically takes me about two to three hours to write an Issue, depending on how much I have to talk about. It has started to take a little longer since I began posting the blog version, too, since I try to find funny pictures and have to update the polls, but it hasn't been that big of a hassle. As far as topics go, there is some pretty obvious stuff that happens and I instantly know that it's Newsletter material - like back in the day of the "E.P.B. Newsletter" in 2005, when we were cleaning out the house of Roland E. Gaumer and started finding ancient books about vegetation and prehistoric animals, or when I used to work at the District mowing lawns. Stuff would just flow to me back in the day. Now it seems like I have to search a little more for material, but I still think about the Newsletter every single day. You can see a lot of really funny stuff if you go outside and open your eyes. People are hilarious. I see funny people every day as I go downtown to my internship and up at the U. Funny people come in to Costa Vida all the time. Dating is hilarious. Learn to laugh at yourself. Life is much better that way. This was reinforced as I went on my mission. You can go through life whining about all the crappy things that happen to you and be depressed about it, or you can go through life whining about all the crappy things that happen to you while laughing your head off. The choice is yours.

If you have a Question, email it to me at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com

So maybe my job isn't as funny as ones I've had in the past... but school sure as heck is. I've mentioned my anti-Mormon Communication and Gender class before, and I've found plenty of things to make fun of on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Take, for instance, my teacher. He doesn't have his PhD, so we can't call him "Professor," but he doesn't want to be called "Mr. Russell" because that's his father. So we call him Nick. He's pretty flamingly "feminine" (*wink wink*) and he has no shame in it. The guy wears some pretty tight pants, that's for sure, and he often hints (perhaps unknowingly) at his relationship status. He has also mentioned that he envies Ellen DeGeneres' sense of style. Throughout the semester, he has come to class wearing some pretty interesting stuff, so I thought I'd dedicate this next segment to him. I'll call it... "Fashion with Nick." Some of Nick's more memorable outfits this semester have included scarves; sports jackets; and a fedora, which he wears nearly every single class period. My personal favorite, however, was the day he came with a yellow and brown button-up shirt, a blue suit vest, and a skinny green tie. I didn't care for it. At all. But I trust his fashion sense more than my own since he's... well... more in touch with that side of um... nature... or whatever. I Felt Especially Good About Myself today as I entered the classroom because I was wearing my incredibly fashionable purple dress shirt. Nick was wearing a long-sleeved, dark blue shirt and his skinny jeans. I think I had him beat today. If we would have taken a poll, I would have had him beaten. Figuratively, not uh... literally. There was one day, though, when we both showed up wearing argyle sweater vests. They were both the exact same pattern on a light gray background, but with different colors. Mine was a blue theme and his was crimson. I slouched down in my seat and tried to cover my chest. Boy, was that awkward...

"I can't believe we're wearing the same vest!"

It's Time once again for The Boo Box. I want to start out with something that I personally love, as I'm sure many of you also do - the self-checkout lane at the store. I love that thing. What is it good for? All the times you need to go buy deodorant and other personal junk that you wouldn't admit to in public. I mean, I'd probably use the self-checkout anyway just because it's quick and easy and usually has a shorter line than the alternative, but I'm especially grateful for the S.C. line when I need to buy secret stuff. Like last Valentine's Day... the only time I've ever had a girlfriend (or even somebody I was dating) in February. I didn't know what to get! Come on! I hate Valentine's Day!! So I went to WalMart. Pricey, I know, but give me a break - there's no where else to shop in Ephraim, unless I'm going to get her a Big Mac or a sundae. I went over to the aisle full of all the fluffy pink stuff and after about two minutes of pacing up and down (I couldn't take it any longer than that!), I grabbed some, like, stuffed monkey with a giant heart. Most embarrassing moment of my dating life. Actually... you'll agree with me that it probably isn't... but anyway, where did I head? You got it. Self-checkout. Now on to what I hate. I hate when the self-checkout lane is closed or has dumb people in it who don't understand how to press a button on a screen. As helpful as self-checkout machines are, those things sure have a lot of problems. "Please wait for an associate to assist you..." Worst words ever. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

So much to talk about today! Here's The Two-Minute Instant Message with the one and only Jonathan Davis, one of my best friends, and Tag Team Champion of the World. I'll be in red and Jon will be green. Apologies to the colorblind Subscribers out there. Skip every line or two and you'll be fine. Here we go:

Greetings, Jon Davis. How are you this lovely Tuesday?

Quite well, thanks. Things are getting better as the day goes on.

Beautiful. For our Subscribers at home, would you tell us how many times you've been featured in the 2MIM?

A total of zero... Meaning that this would be the first time. It's thrilling. It's Big. Get excited.

Your relationship status, Jon?

Single, but not without prospects. But I could always do with some more. (P.S. Stay posted.)

Jon, we were talking the other day about a topic that still fascinates the heck out of me. If I remember correctly, we were discussing the theory of "Wife Points," were we not?

We were. Quite the conversation, as I recall.

Enlighten the Subscribers, Jon.

Well, for those who don't know what "Wife Points" are, basically, when you're having a really bad day as a missionary (raining, fallen appointments, dogs, etc.), you tell yourself that all of these negative things sort of tally into points that you will get to one day "cash in" on an awesome girl that will be your wife. The more points, the awesomer the girl. However, us guys who stay single for what seems an inordinate amount of Time can't help but begin to think that we must have been freaking slackers on the mission, because, like, what gives, you know?

What the heck is my problem, Jonny Boy? I enjoyed my mission. I mean, I kept a tally of my Wife Points at one point. I think I reached 11.

That's quite a few, though I was never sure what the exact criteria for the tally was.

I think I basically just made it up as I went.

At any rate, something about all of this single-ness is seeming Pretty Messed Up.

P.M.U., indeed... I've searched high and low - at church, in Institute, at ward prayer, but to no avail, whatsoever.

Well, as long as we're drawing comparisons to the mission, I think I should probably tell you that as long as you live your life the way you're supposed to and keep praying, you'll find "sua eleita"... The One, know what I mean? Actually, that makes it sound like something else... You'll find prepared people. To hear your message, if you take my drift.

Yeah, kind of like how BYU-alum, Austin Collie, said that if you're living right on and off the field, good things happen... Look at him now. Catching TD passes left and right in the NFL... Now can you dig that? The whole time I thought he was joking.

I thought for sure Austin Collie was a sellout, but it looks like we're all wrong sometimes.

Well, brother, it's been a pleasure. A real pleasure.

Indeed.

What the?!?

Shoutouts, Shoutouts... Who wants a Shoutout?? I know! I'm sure this one is way overdue. How about Nicki Ortman? Nicki is one of the long-time, original Subscribers and has demonstrated more loyalty to the Newsletter, even in the "Story of My Mission" phase, than anyone. Happy Tuesday to Nicki Ortman and family.

And finally, let's Review something. I recently got Windows Movie Maker in a free download when I upgraded to the latest version of MSN Messenger, which I rarely use. I didn't intend on getting it, but the Messenger popups had bothered me so much that I decided to give it a try. Windows Movie Maker is basic, but it gets the job done really effectively. You can quickly and easily create movie clips like the two I uploaded to Facebook this week ("Smack the Crack 2009" and "5 Short Clips That Could Change Your Life"). Multiple music clips can be added to the videos with a couple simple clicks of the mouse and you can fade the music in or out at your command. The only drawbacks I see for the Movie Maker are that you are not able to splice video clips or cut them within hundredths of a second like you would be able to with a more professional editor. If you're trying to make simple home videos or short clips like the ones I prefer to make, like I said, it gets the job done quickly. I'd give Windows Media Maker a 7.5 out of 10, but I sure love the dang thing. You can expect more short videos on Facebook in the next couple weeks. Watch my two newest Facebook videos and vote for your favorite in this week's poll.

That's about it for this week. If you'll kindly excuse me, I've got a balloon to wrangle down.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron