Greetings to one and all from Ephraim, Utah, on a sunny day in Sanpete County. Hopefully that will melt all the blasted ice. I'm tired of the lock on my passenger side door being frozen and people inadvertently doing the splits in the parking lot. Topics to be discussed today: The rhyming rebound, an abounding amount of inspiration, the wrath of A-Town and Duke Dance, Barack Obama - master of hip hop, the culinary arts, breaking and entering, and the abolishment of a common household device. ON WE GO!
Last week's Issue in rhyme seemed to go over pretty well. Basically any Issue that elicits an email response from people such as my father and Miss Kimberly Kunkel saying that they enjoyed it is evidence that something must have gone well. Plus, check out this text I got from Mr. Jordan Holmes, himself - "Put that email to a phat beat and it will sell millions." Dang. Maybe I should. I guess the point is that if you want to see more absolute literary filth like you did last week and you flooded my email (tarheelglory19@yahoo.com) with requests for it, it might happen a little more frequently - and it doesn't just have to be poetry. I'm not a one trick pony or whatever they call people like that. I can do lots of stuff. I'm open to ideas, such as making every sentence a question, limiting the number of words I can use in a sentence, or even making me speak in parables, I guess, if you're into stuff like that. Just let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Tuesday is the best day of the week. Honestly, that goes without saying. But today as I arose from my slumber, I was inspired beyond comprehension and blessed with revelations with respect to my radio program, "City Council" w/ A-Town, Season Three: Tournament of Champions. Pretty much, you have to tune in to believe some of the junk I'm going to pull on this show. A few ideas (and I can't get too specific here or else there would be no reason for you to listen) include giving away roughly $101,420 plus change (tonight), being haunted by the ghost of Gary Chidester, our radio adivsor (tonight), and making the switch to digital (Feb. 17). "City Council" is reaching for the stars this semester and there are big, big things in store. You can check out all the action and listen live and in vibrant color at the new and improved KAGE homepage - www.snow.edu/kage. You also can check out the results to the KAGE Match at www.snow.edu/kage/kageresults.php. Tonight is the beginning of the actual tournament of champions and it's going to be Aerosmith vs the Killers in a WEAPONS MATCH! If you don't know what I mean by that... Then, um... You better listen tonight.
The big story of last week came last Tuesday night, actually. A certain DJ on the KAGE (not me) decided that she (obviously not me) would bring a kid on her show that had recently written an article in the school newspaper about how girls at Snow are fat and ugly and need to wear a certain brand of pants if they want to look good. In the article, he told girls that they should put their free gym passes to good use and go lose the the ten pounds they put on over Christmas break. The article sent Ephraim into a HUGE outrage and I'd say that about 85-90% of students here want the punk lynched. Needless to say, the decision to have him come on a radio show where he can say stuff live over the air was probably not the best idea that ever entered this girl's head. I knew the kid was going to be a ding dong, so I decided to head over to the station and stay in my office so I could kill him if I needed to. Supposedly, he was going to come in and have the chance and redeem himself by apologizing. There were also two other girls in the studio who were apparently going to debate him. Well, that didn't really end up happening. Mr. Bonehead just started running his mouth about how he didn't regret anything he'd said, but then he crossed the line by spending a heck of a lot of time telling everyone how popular the article had made him and then proceeded to make fun of girls with eating disorders. The thing that really made me bust down my dang door, though, was when he said that no "hot girls" had complained about the article. I jumped out of my seat and instantly appeared in the doorway of the station and began to give them the cutthroat/stop-it-now gesture, but they just kept talking. Luckily, the station manager, Duke Dance, showed up about a minute later, as he and nearly everyone else on the radio staff had also been listening, and we ended up pulling the plug on the show. We kicked everybody out (and the moron made sure to tell his two female opponents that he thought they were "really, really, really, reeeeeeeeeeeeally attractive" before he left) and the two girls came into my office to blow off some steam. We were all pretty upset about what had happened. Apparently I was shaking pretty bad. The DJ came back on the air about ten minutes later and, through sobs, apologized for what had just happened. For the next twenty minutes (which, for your information, cut into my show time by fifteen minutes), she would play a song, then come back on the air and tell everyone that she was sorry. What was puzzling to me was the song choices for those awkward twenty minutes. I mean, playing songs (no joke) like "Baby Got Back" and "Womanizer" wasn't exactly what people probably wanted to hear right about then. Anyhoo, to make a long story short (too late), I had to go on the air right after that. My inauguration as "King of Tuesday Night" was a pretty big deal, but uh... that was a tough act to follow.
I saw this thing on TV the other day - and this is the truth! - But there is apparently a Barack Obama soundtrack of sorts that people are selling. Let's see if I can find this thing online... (*looks around the Internet*) Eh... well anyway, this thing is pretty much about every African-American artist ever imagined singing songs about President Obama and most of it is hip hop or rap... or the National Anthem by Jennifer Hudson, but you get the point. There was one White guy on the CD. Maybe it was James Taylor or Willie Nelson or somebody - no! It was Robin Thicke or whoever - the son of the guy on growing pains, but that's ok because apparently he thinks he's Black. The CD also comes with eight of Barack's best speeches from throughout his campaign. All this can be yours for the small price of $29.95 - if you use a credit card! Wow! Did they ever have a commemorative CD when George Bush was elected? I mean, they could have had Hank Williams, Jr., um... Toby Keith, Reba McIntyre, and um... Hanson. Then, of course, you could feature a hit song by a Black man who thinks he's White. I'm sure you all know who I'm referring to.
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "A-Town -Have you had any culinary adventures recently?"Ciao,
- Chef Boyardee
A. You know, it's funny you should ask. This semester, I have resolved to learn how to cook actual food. People have this strange notion that when you go on a mission, you automatically earn a degree in culinary arts along the way. The thing that people don't realize, however, is that most of the time, missionaries are so busy that they don't have time to sit down for forty-five minutes and prepare baked potatoes and chef salads. Most of my missionary diet was comprised of cheap pasta (i.e. Ramen, Cup of Noodles, etc.), microwavable dinners, or sandwiches. Nothing too fancy there, eh? So anyway, I decided to try my hand at the seasonal favorite, spaghetti, the other day. After buying ground beef at WalMart for the first time and asking my mom how to cook that junk a couple times over the phone, I put the information to good use and got to work. About twenty minutes later, I had successfully completed my tasty meal. I thought it actually turned out quite well and even took a picture of my bowl on my cell phone, as to commemorate that momentous occasion for time and all eternity. And just for good measure, I even gave some spaghetti to my roommate and, well, he showed no ill effects whatsoever... yet...
Q. "Dear Aaron -Have you been on any dates lately? This may be the only way I find out anything... (I dare you to answer this in your Newsletter)!"Love,- Your Mother
A. To make a long story short (too late), yes. Several.
Q. "Dear A-Town,
It's not like we're stalking you or anything, but we're pretty sure we saw somebody climbing into your bedroom window at about 6:00 in the morning on Saturday. Any truth to this?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties
A. (SALUTE!) Thanks for keeping an eye out for me, boys. You know what, this is, indeed, true! One of my roommates is an ambassador for the college and every once in a while, there is something called a Snow Blast, which is basically just an opportunity for high school kids to come down and check out the campus for a weekend. Austin and I attended such an event back in 2004, subsequently leading to my admission to Snow. Last weekend, my roommate was hosting five or six kids and they needed to sleep in our apartment on Friday night before heading back home on Saturday. I don't think they realized that I needed to get up at 5:45 the next day to go unlock the door to the radio station so somebody could do their blasted 6 AM shift and they moved the furniture around in the appartment in order to accommodate sleeping arrangements. They moved the couches and put a mattress in the middle of the floor so all of them would fit in that room. Unfortunately, they moved one of the couches right in front of the door, so I would have been unable to get out the door without either turning on the lights, waking them up, and asking them to move, or by simply just moving them myself. The only other escape was through my bedroom window, so the man you saw hopping in and out of my bedroom in the early hours of Saturday morning was none other than yours, truly. Good think I'm not living on the second floor, huh?
Remember - you - yes YOU - can submit your very own Questions to me by emailing me at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com or by posting a comment on the blog at http://www.signsofthetimesnewsletter.blogspot.com/. "Signs of the Times" - The voice of the people for the last forty-four weeks.
It is time once again, ladies and gents, for the most beloved of all Newsletter segments - The Boo Box! Today's recipient of the cackling and hissing of both humans and imaginary insects, alike, is WAKING UP EARLY! For crying out loud, I've been waking up pretty dang early this last week. I hate it. Everybody together now - BOOOOOOOO!! As the King of Tuesday Night, I hereby abolish the use of alarm clocks.
The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to none other than the one, the only DONALD TRUMP! Just because I think he deserves it. Keep it up, Donny. Keep it up.
That's about it for this week. I hope you've all been satisfactorily enlightened. Have a good one.
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
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