Greetings to one and all of the 59 of you out there on a lovely Tuesday morning. This is probably bound to be another one of those emails where I just whine and complain about sports conspiracy theories again, so... just... watch out. Topics to be discussed today: The so-called greatest game of all time, Chuck-o-rama goes platinum, America meets The Boss up close and personal, the lamest excuse of all time, and the next ice age. ON WE GO, dang it!
Let's start things out on the right foot, shall we? It's time once again for that ever-popular segment, The Boo Box. This time, we've got two victims to heckle - one of which is by request. Wow. We're really taking this Newsletter to new heights if you ask me. (Technically, nobody has asked me, but if you did ask me, that's probably what I'd tell you. Anyway...)
Loyal Subscriber, Curtis Gardner, writes: "Christensen, I still love reading your newsletters; they rock. Anyways, that aggravating idiot who caused an uproar on the radio should be promptly put into the Boo Box for next week. That's what I have to say." Well, in that case, everybody together now - BOOOOOOOO!!
Now on to subjects of a more prominent, national scale. Ben Roethlisberger not only has a sandwich named after him (old news), but now he has apparently secured his spot in the NFL Hall of Fame just from Sunday night's big game. NBC analysts described his performance with such words as "legendary" and many argue that he should have been the MVP. I, however, - and I know this will come as an absolute shock - disagree. Roethlisberger, in my humble opinion, is one of the most overrated quarterbacks of all time. ESPN.com is ranking him in the top ten quarterbacks in Super Bowl history, side by side with the legends like Roger Staubach, Bart Starr, John Elway, Troy Aikman, and Joe Montana. No. No, no, no. Big Ben had half of his total passing yards in the first quarter, leading into a boring second and third quarter. He's not a scrambler. He just looked like it last weekend and was lucky that Arizona couldn't tackle him. Pittsburgh's offense didn't win the game. Arizona's defense (which wasn't even that bad!) lost it due to their frequent failure to sack Roethlisberger. It seems to me that if Roethlisberger is tackled anywhere inside the three yard line, they might as well just put six points on the board. For a while, I had forgotten that the last Super Bowl I saw before my mission was the Steelers-Seahawks game, one of the most gigantic officiating blunders I've ever seen in professional football. Sunday's game resembled 2006's game in many odd, eerie ways. I'll whine about that later. But seriously, if Big Ben gets tackled anywhere even remotely near the goal line, it's a touchdown, right? That makes TWO Super Bowls where he has not made it into the end zone and the refs have called it a touchdown. All I can say is three things: First, thank heaven for instant replay and the coaches' challenge. Secondly, I'm really sorry, Mike Holmgren. And finally, everybody together now - BOOOOOOOO!!
Oh man. The creative juices are just flowing like the waters of Niagara now. Let's complain more about this so-called greatest Super Bowl of all time, shall we? Yes. Yes we shall. I just got done reading this article about the game on ESPN.com by Luke Russert. (http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3881120) He makes some good points as to why this game was not the best game of all time. He seems to think that it was last year's game between the Patriots and the Giants. Now I didn't see this game. I just heard about it. Actually, I've only ever seen about two highlights from that game, so I'm not going to talk about it. However, as Russert says, "Some will call this latest version the greatest Super Bowl of all time, but those are the same people buying the Barack Obama commemorative coins off of QVC right now. They get caught up in the moment and forget history, no matter how recent." No joke - I was watching Sportscenter on Sunday night and they were counting down the top ten Super Bowl plays of all time. THREE of the top ten came from Super Bowl XLIII. I can maybe justify James Harrison's 100-yard interception return as one of the top ten, being as it was the longest play in the history of the championship game. However, saying that the Roethlisberger pass to Santonio Holmes in the corner of the end zone was the greatest catch ever is a little ridiculous. They only ranked it so high because it happened less than an hour earlier and they want to make Steelers fans happy. In order to please disgruntled Arizona fans, however, they put Larry Fitzgerald's TD catch with two minutes left as number ten. Again, though I love Fitzgerald, I think not. Three of the top ten?!? Um... No. Sorry.
As far as the MVP is concerned, it clearly should have been Santonio Holmes. Roethlisberger didn't have that great of a game. His last drive was impressive, but then again, it's not like they really won the game in the waning seconds. They had two and a half minutes to drive the field. That happens pretty much every week in at least one regular season game. Kurt Warner outperformed Roethlisberger in almost every area, except maybe rushing yards. Old Man Warner threw for 377 yards, compared to Roethlisberger's 256. Warner had 3 TDs and 31 completions. Big Ben only had 1 TD (the game winner) on 21 completions. Roethlisberger got shown up. Again.
The officiating was atrocious yet again (shades of 2006 - the worst officiated game in the history of history). The number of penalties called on each team seems relatively close (7 to 11 in favor of Pittsburgh), but that's only because they finally started evening the playing field and calling the Steelers for holding in the second half. However, when you look at the penalty yardage, Arizona was penalized for 50 more yards than Pittsburgh. Some of those penalties were the Cardinals' own fault. This is true. But then again, there are some plays like the facemask call in the fourth quarter where the ball carrier had his hand right in the defender's helmet, too. The referees did not disappoint, however, going waaaaay back in their bag of tricks and dusting off the flag for the illustrious defensive holding call, which each team was penalized for during regulation. I don't think I've ever seen defensive holding called on somebody twice in my entire life. Period. Unbelievable. As my mom said, somebody in the NFL's main office must really love the Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm serious. One of these days, I'll write a book about conspiracy theories in major league sports.
The other topic that always comes up during Super Bowl weekend surrounds the commercials. If I had to grade the commercials as a whole, I would probably give them a B- or C+. Once again, I felt disappointed, especially since probably 30% of the advertisements were local, for crying out loud. When Chuck-o-Rama is paying big bucks to get their commercials aired, people get worried. Here are my bottom three and top three picks for Super Bowl ads this year:
Bottom Three:
3. Anything that had a horse, a car, or a half-naked chick in it. Come on, people. Where's the innovation?
2. Cheetos pigeon ad. Weird commercial. Plus, when the bird kissed Chester Cheeto at the end, that was just kind of weird.
1. Cars.com ad. This puppy had some major potential. Remember? The one with the kid who performed open-heart surgery with a ball point pen and applied to be the dean of an Ivy League school? Man, I think we all had high hopes for this commercial, but - are you serious? - he loses his confidence when it comes time to buy a car? Disappointing.
Honorable mention:
Cash 4 Gold ad. I was really hoping that it was a joke. I think it was. I hope it was.
Top Three:
3. Taco Bell ad. Yeah, it's Taco Bell, but at least everybody laughed, which can't necessarily be said about some of the commercials from Sunday night.
2. Careerbuilder.com ad. "Hey dummy."
1. Pepsi "I'm Good" ad. This thing was hilarious! Seeing a guy get whacked in the face twice by a golf club, having a guy get a bowling ball dropped on his head, and watching the guy get electrocuted off the ladder was pretty funny. Man, this makes me sound like a very violent person. Sorry. Nevertheless, this is the commercial that I liked the most.
Honorable Mention:
Denny's ad. The commercial was semi-funny. But when they mentioned that they were giving everyone in America a free breakfast, you should have seen the faces of everyone at the party. Good work.
I didn't see the "Free Doritos" ad during the game. I must have been eating a chili dog or something. That one was pretty good, though.
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "Dear Aaron,
Did you catch the halftime show with Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties
A. You know, it's funny you should ask. (SALUTE!) The halftime show was perhaps the funniest moment of the entire night! I am not a huge E Street Band-er, so maybe that's my problem, but I thought that The Boss was pathetic. I didn't know any of the songs he sang and the way the band performed was, at times, comical. Did you see his sweet knee slide into the camera man? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CR7waUcMS7Q) Wow. A close-up shot of Bruce's uh... lower abdominal region... is not exactly what we want. At least it was toned down from Janet Jackson. Am I right or am I right? Plus, his face after the collision was hysterical! The best part, though, was right before the final song when The Boss kept pointing to his watch and shouting something into the microphone. I think he was asking, "What time is it?!?" or something along those lines, but I can't be too sure. Then, out of absolutely nowhere, a referee ran on stage and threw a flag! Hahahahaha!! Oh man. I usually try to contain my "hahaha"s in here, but I just can't hold it in any longer. What the heck was that?!?
Q. "Do you think it will be an early spring?"
- Porkchop
A. Don't mess with me, Porkchop. I'll give you a weather prediction. It's gonna be cold. And it's gonna be gray. And it's gonna last you for the rest of your life... Really, though... I'm predicting March 21st.
Q. "How's that? WalMart is selling 'ground been?' By the pound? I know times are tough Aaron, but no one likes ground beens (or ground ares, weres, or is-es for that matter), and that's a fact."
- Jon Davis, in reference to a grammatical error in Issue No. 43
A. Shove it, Jon.
Q. "Dear Aaron,
What does it mean when a girl says 'I gotta go. Text me later or something'?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties.
A. (SALUTE!) You know, I'm still trying to figure that out. But I don't think it's a good thing.
I await next week's inquiries. tarheelglory19@yahoo.com
The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to Whitney Jones, who saved me from the treacherous cold last night as I was frozen out of my car. Yes. Frozen. "Is it snowing in space?" Congratulations, Whitney Jones.
Well, I'm out of things to make fun of for this week. I'm getting the heck outta here. Check out "City Council" tonight as we go OLD SCHOOL with classic rock night, featuring Styx and Chicago in the KAGE Match Tournament of Champions. You can email me your votes or tune in tonight and call in! The information you need is the following: 1(435)283-7007. www.snow.edu/kage. 89.5 FM (Sanpete County).
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
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