First of all, let me formally (er... as formally as I technologically can) invite anyone who is anyone to my Super Gigantic New Year's Eve Rock Band Party. We're currently in need of females. Single ones. The likes of Payne White, Scott Aylett, Vanessa Young, Parker Wightman, and Beau Shaw, himself will be in attendance. All that is required is a snack or non-alcoholic beverage of some sort, your rock face, and your A game. Simple enough, isn't it? If you need directions to my NEW house, email me or give me a call. If you don't have either my number or my email address, I don't know how you got this Newsletter. "New Year's Rockin' Eve," my EYE, Seacrest!
As I said in the intro, I want to talk about some of the most important things that happened globally this year. Let us start. But where to start? That is the real question...
Ah, yes. Remember the Olympics last summer? One of the biggest storylines was in women's gymnastics. The Chinese were accused of falsifying information on their birth certificates so that younger athletes could compete. This caused a lot of controversy and a lot of people were ticked off about it. I agree that it's lame to lie about your age, but here's the deal - isn't that more impressive - having younger athletes, as opposed to older ones? I mean, if you're sending out a twenty-five-year-old, that's no good. (Danny Almonte, anyone?) I just talked to my family about this and they totally shut me down (which is why my Newsletter is entirely opinion-based... because I'm usually wrong), saying that younger girls are more flexible than the older ones. Still, if you can send a five-year-old out on the uneven bars and still beat my middle schoolers, more power to you.
Who could forget the NBA Playoffs? I can't believe I watched every single game of the Finals. It's not that I really liked the Celtics. I just wanted to see Kobe lose. And lose he did. Some might call me jealous. No. I'm not jealous. I just hate him. I hate all the Lakers. I want to go back and watch the tapes and show the world how the Jazz really should have won game six in the second round, but, as always, all of you would probably just say, "Oh, well, the Jazz should have played better. They should have made more free throws. Blah blah blah." No. I submit that the Jazz should have won the game without making any additional free throws. If the refs would have called it right down the line, the Jazz would have won. Oh and by the way, I hate the Celtics now, too. 
The FLDS raids last spring! Haha! Oh boy, wasn't that a good time? I think they should come over and raid our garage. My family moved about two months ago and we've got most of our boxes under control now, but... We could still use a little help.
Plaxico Burress has been making news as of late. First of all, he runs his mouth in the offseason saying who knows what, then he recently comes millimeters away from blowing his leg off in a night club, then a gun, ammunition, and pants - yes, pants - are confiscated from his house. As if that's not enough, the media is reporting that back in May he crashed an uninsured vehicle. When it rains, it pours, I guess. But really, it makes me wonder... If he hadn't shot himself, would they never have found out about his lack of insurance?
Gas prices have been on the decline! It's about dang time! After months and months of paying four dollars a gallon, prices here in Sandy reached $1.35 for several days last week. That is lower than I have ever seen gas prices since I have been able to drive. I think they were about $1.36/gallon when I got my license. Americans have encountered newfound freedom, no longer confined to their homes or the sidewalks that surround them. For a while, I thought we would see a resurgence of Razor scooters that were so popular in the late '90s. Apparently Snow College didn't get the memo. 
And finally, let's revisit the Presidential election that so unified this great nation. Yeah, it unified us, all right. It was like a giant reunion for all the racists, sexists, age-ists, et al. Pretty much any way you look at it, half of the people will be upset with the outcome of the election on a given fourth year. My stance has always been this one. If you don't want somebody to be President, don't vote for them. Here's to 2009. At least next year, Newsweek Magazine's "most powerful man in the world" will be the President. George W. Bush wasn't even on the list of the top fifty. Then again, neither was Thomas S. Monson, so I think there's a flaw in the system. USA! USA! USA!
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "Dear Aaron,
Have any New Year's resolutions?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties
A. I knew somebody would ask me that. (SALUTE!) You know what? I don't. Not a single one. I've tried having resolutions before and they have never worked out. This is usually because I lose the list I wrote them on halfway through February. Anyway, I feel that if I go into 2009 with lower expectations for myself instead of high ones (you should have seen the list I made when I was still in Raleigh on my mission last December), I will feel more successful. I wouldn't recommend this strategy to anyone anywhere any time. But I'll try it out and let you know how it goes. Thanks for asking.
It is time once again for the Two-Minute Instant Message! I figured I'd go out with a bang this year, so after months of waiting, the 2MIM is back in action with none other than the one, the only Vanessa Young as our special guests. My thoughts will be in red. Vanessa's commentary will be in green. For those colorblind Subscribers out there, you shouldn't have a hard time knowing who is talking. Shall we?
A: So Vanessa, I've been talking about 2008 and some of the highlights and lowlights therein... What are you not going to miss from 2008?
V: Hmm, I certainly will not miss skinny jeans... the election, especially Sarah Palin (yes, I am republican)... Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus... and last, but not least, the "pregnant man."
A: Ah, the good old pregnant man... I have one word for you - "Doob!" Am I the only one who thinks the fake Sarah Palin is hotter than the real one?
V: No, I agree. Tina Fey is much more attractive.
A: Ooooook! Next topic! Is there anything else you won't miss from this year?? I mean, come on - there was lots of cruddy stuff that happened in 2008...
V: Well, the stock market fiasco is something I won't miss, for sure... uh... I also won't miss the heartbroken Utah girls that cried their eyes out when little David Archuleta lost.
A: Oh come on... everybody cried when little Archie lost.
V: Don't get me wrong, I like David Archuleta, but to really CRY over it and say your life is over? ...nor will I miss the Twilight-obsessive fans.
A: Twilight will still be around next year. Twilight is life, Vanessa. Real. Life.
V: Yes, it's true, I can never escape Twilight, but I'm still going to complain.
A: How about the "Soulja Boy?" I hate that freakin' song! Please tell me that the Soulja Boy is a thing of the past!
V: Yes, it is a thing of the past! As well as [Katy Perry's] "I Kissed a Girl." Along those same lines, I won't miss Lindsay Lohan publicly kissing her girlfriend...
A: Oh geez... Can you imagine dancing the Soulja Boy while kissing a girl? Actually, don't answer that.
V: Haha, ok, fine.
A: Any final comments?
V: 2008: Farewell.
A: Is that it??
V: I was trying to think of something good that happened in 2008. ...uh...
A: Clearly, there wasn't anything. Go Prop 8!
Don't we all Feel Good About Ourselves after that? Oh yeah, baby. It's been far too long. If you'd like to be featured in the Two-Minute Instant Message, email me at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com.
Time for the Boo Box, ladies and gentlemen! Two words for you this week - Text. Messaging. Not only is it the cause of economic and social decline, but is also a leading cause in bad punctuation, grammar, spelling, and etiquette in general. Everyone together now - BOOOOOOOO!!
The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to Miss Kimberly Kunkel, a long lost associate of mine. She is exemplary in her kindness and genuine in motive. She also once took me on a date to WalMart, where, among other things, she made me pretend I was a blind man. Thanks to her and the many Hispanics I met on my mission, I now know what corn masa mix is used for. Do you?
As the Fantasy Football season comes to an end, I must concede and accept defeat. My team spent the last three weeks in the slump of all slumps, consigning me to a fourth-place finish, behind my uncle Mark, my mom, and my little brother Cody, whose sheer luck provided "The Aggies!!" with their only winning season in the foreseeable future. Congratulations, Cody. Never again will you ever win anything in fantasy sports without making a single roster change on your own. Sickening. Truly sickening. I still think my team was the best. Other than my quarterbacks. And my tight end. And several of my wide receivers. But we had some serious potential at the beginning of the season - that's for sure.
That's about it for this week. If you'll excuse me, I've got to do some research. I'm not sure if I want to spend tomorrow night watching Ryan Seacrest and the Jonas Brothers or Carson Daly. Decisions, decisions...
Until next year,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
No comments:
Post a Comment