Greetings to one and all from Ephraim, Utah, the busiest freaking place on Earth. Let's put it this way - I was in the library for at least five or six hours yesterday working on a ten-page paper for my English class. When I finally finished that, I had forty-five minutes to run to WalMart and grab something to eat. I had to hurry back after that to meet with my communications group to work on yet another ten-page paper which is also due tomorrow. To make a long story short (too late...), my group did virtually nothing on our paper, so I had to write an estimated eight and a half pages of it (it had to get done somehow!) and I just barely put the finishing touches on that sucker. I'm basically done with all the huge projects and assignments and garbage of that nature, so other than studying for three or four finals, I'm getting about there, if you know what I mean. I'm excited. I'll be out of school by next Thursday afternoon. Anyway, before I bore you all to death... Topics to be discussed today: History in the making, the supposed stupidity of fund raising, speed traps, a new Playstation champion, abs of pure steel, protests and rioting in the streets of Ephraim, the KAGE Match Finals, dating advice from A-Town, and the other usual mindless nonsense. On we go?
This thirty-fifth Issue of the Signs of the Times Newsletter officially moves it to second place on the list of all-time longest Newsletters, passing the pre-mission E.P.B. Newsletter, which had thirty-four Issues. Hang on a second... I just got an envelope handed to me.
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "Dear Aaron,
How do you Feel now that 'Signs of the Times' has passed up your old Newsletter?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties
A. (SALUTE!) Well, I suppose the cliche answer would be to say that I Feel Good About Myself. It's true. I do. Honestly, though, I think I was funnier in 2005 and I think my sideburns were also better back then. Life has been relatively dull since I got back NINE MONTHS AGO! (Oh geez...) There are still funny things to write about, but it has been hard for me to write and talk about so many different things so constantly throughout the week. I write the Newsletter on Tuesday afternoon, then go on the air with different material Tuesday nights with "City Council," then have another radio show on Thursday afternoons and I also write two weekly articles for the school newspaper. It's taxing, to say the least. I've got critics and I've got a fan base, which makes life exciting. And no matter what anybody says - even if they say I hate food banks - I'll just keep on doing it, whether you think I'm funny or not. Because I love it. And if you don't like it, sue me. Or just stop reading. That might be easier. Congratulations, "Signs of the Times!" (Now if only we can get CBS to hook us up with another season of "The District...")
Speaking of kicking dirt on little starving African kids, I don't know if many of you heard, but I got a little hate mail at the Snowdrift last week. I wrote a semi-tongue-in-cheek opinion article criticizing a recent Sub For Santa operation put on by the Snow College student government and other miscellaneous popular kids. Basically, the idea was that "officers" could arrest students and lock them in a makeshift jail cell underneath the bell tower. Bail was three dollars and you had to pay it to get out. If you tried to escape, the bail was doubled. If you tried to escape again after that, you'd have a twelve dollar bail. All proceeds went to charity. Basically, I said that there is a good way and a "less good" way to ask for charity donations and tackling kids, dragging them to a jail, locking them up, forcing them to pay, and even intimidating students with a horse is not a good way to go about it. A few days ago, some kid has the audacity to write a letter to the editor saying that I don't support charity, that I should go mock food banks, and essentially wished poverty upon me and my posterity for making light of less fortunate families. I don't know where this kid came up with this crap. He clearly didn't read the article - and if he did, maybe he read it crosseyed or with his head underwater or something because he was horribly off base with his comments. I wrote and article in response to his and I tried to be nice to the misinformed chum. I was tempted to point out his horrible grammar, atrocious spelling, and pitiful punctuation, but I didn't. I also could have made fun of him for saying that they had, in fact, arrested the horse and were not using the horse to do the arresting. (Why didn't they lock it up with the other prisoners? Was that the only prisoner that you let your female guards ride?, etc.) Anyway, if you're interested in reading any of these three literary masterpieces, let me know.
Here's the deal, though. I was at WalMart over the weekend and as I walked outside after finishing my shopping, I heard a familiar sound - the jingling of Salvation Army bells. I immediately paused and thought of this so-called "Jacob Christensen" who accused me of being anti-charity. After thinking for a small moment, I realized that I had paid in cash - a rare occurrence for me - and that I had change in my pocket. With a small grin, I spun on my heels, jammed my hand into my pocket, and said, "Hey, I've got some money for you." Let it be known to the vast outreaches of Heaven and Earth that Aaron Christensen's twelve cents will be helping a less fortunate family have a great Christmas this year. IN YOUR FACE, JACOB CHRISTENSEN!
I recently noticed something as I drove to and from Ephraim last week. The speed limit going into of Ephraim is 35 miles per hour. The speed limit going out is 45. I wonder if they did that on purpose... I'm just saying...
In Madden Bowl news, Austin apparently hasn't mailed in his absentee ballot, so I will hold the proverbial banner of "Madden Bowl Champion" for the time being.Here's something interesting. I'm not sure if I mentioned it in a Newsletter, but I know I talked about it on the radio, at least. At the beginning of the semester, this lady came in to my fitness for life class to measure our body fat percentage. Back in the day, I weighed 148 lbs - I'm man enough to admit it! - I've lost about fifteen pounds since my mission - and my body fat percentage was an astounding ZERO PERCENT - That's right, baby. All muscle. Today, she came in again and I've lost two pounts since September, apparently. As far as body fat percentage goes, I think I might have broken the scale. It came in as negative ten. If that thing is right, though, it confirms what many have been assuming since the beginning of time. I'm 110% muscle.
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Ah, yeah. Two **QUESTION TIME!!**s in one Issue. Can you Feel Any better About Yourself? I think not.
Q. "Hey A-Town
Being the great and mighty public figure that you are, have you recently seen any effect you have created on society as a whole?"
Love,
- The Fan Club
A. Hey, it's been a while since I have heard from you guys! You know, it's funny you should ask. I have recently been outraged by the Ephraim WalMart store. They've been raising the prices of pretty much everything, from bread to... other stuff, and what really steams my carrots, as they say, is the increased price of Spaghetti-Os with meatballs. Dang, that stuff is good. I love it. However, for more than a month, I have refused to buy them ever since their price was raised from $0.88 to $1.14. That is ridiculous, in my opinion. I've held multiple sit-down strikes, attempted blackmail, and tried rioting in the parking lot nightly from Wednesdays to Saturdays two consecutive weeks. I don't know how the birds got inside the store, but if whoever did that is reading this - good on yeh! It seems that my persistence has finally paid off and the big wigs have finally lowered the price back down to $0.88. You can thank me, America, for this monumental switch in WalMart's pricing stance. In commemoration of this great event, I bought five cans of my favorite pasta last night.
You can submit your very one Questions to me via email at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com
Tonight is an historic night in this history of history. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, is "City Council" w/ A-Town's KAGE Match Finals! After ten long weeks of epic battle, the number one seeded Coldplay will face off against the number two seed, John Mayer, in a fifteen-foot-high steel KAGE that is surrounded at the top by barbed wire and encircled around the outside by venomous serpents. To catch all the action LIVE and in vibrant technicolor, head over to the KAGE's home page, www.snow.edu/~kage, then click on the link that says "Listen in Your Player," starting at 10:00 PM, Utah time. If you'd like to remind yourself of how these two finalists got to the absolute pinnacle of radio entertainment, check out www.snow.edu/~kage/kageresults.html to see a chronology of Season Two's KAGE Matches. It will certainly be a show you don't want to miss. Votes are currently being tallied and can be cast by emailing/calling/texting me, sending me a message on Facebook, by voting online at the "City Council" Fan Page on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/pages/City-Council-w-A-Town-Season-Two/24430825809), calling in while I'm on the air [1(435)283-7007], or by yelling really loud in hopes that I hear you... And that's the bottom line... 'cause A-Town said so.
In other KAGE news, Parker Wightman and I, of all people, will be making a special guest appearance on Thursday night's show all about dating advice, "The Jake and Dave Show." Jake and Dave are good friends of "City Council" and have graciously invited P-Dub and I to come on the show this Thursday from 6-8 PM, so be sure to check that out, as well. For more information, contact me.While I'm at it, I might as well give a Shoutout of the Week to the man himself, Parker "P-Dub" Wightman. He's the man. He just is. If you know him, you know what I'm talking about, so I don't feel obligated to say any more.
Also, it would be an absolute shame if I didn't mention that Arianna and Oliva Quinto, the first baptisms I was part of on my mission, were baptized two years ago on this very day. HAPPY TWO YEAR MARK!!!
The Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week this week goes to Stang Bang's RB, Brian Westbrook. That little punk rushed for 110 yards and 2 TD, while simultaneously receiving for 20 yards and 2 more TDs, getting him a grand total of 40 Fantasy Points. Dang. That's pretty good.
That's about it for this week, Peeps.
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
1 comment:
Great pix, AJ - I love the incarcerated horse!
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