Greetings to one and all from the North Pole. 'Tis I, Santa Claus, once again reporting from my workshop. Juuuuuust joking around, people. It's me, Aaron. I probably fooled a couple of you, though - admit it. Man, can anybody believe that Christmas is in two days? Doesn't that make you Feel pretty dang Good About Yourself? Oh yeah, baby. It's true. Topics to be discussed today: Rush hour, A-Town's Favorite Things, an absolute fruitcake, festive lighting decorations, the mounting anticipation, and sipping down some good old Holiday Nog while we "Rekindle the Hollywood Flame." It's the Christmas edition of "Signs of the Times," people! ON WE GO HO HO!
It is, as they say, the season to be jolly, and the Christmas parties kicked off last week. For one party, my family and relatives went to a retirement home and sand Christmas carols for some of the residents. I was really hoping there would be some old guys there in suspenders so I could befriend them, but there weren't. There were only old ladies, actually, which wasn't that bad. We were only there for about half an hour, but it was a good experience. I could tell that the ladies really enjoyed the time we spent with them. I made friends with one of them whose name I really couldn't understand. She was a pretty good singer, actually, which I wasn't expecting. She also had a sweet walker, which I'm fairly positive had turn signals on it.
It is, as they say, the season to be jolly, and the Christmas parties kicked off last week. For one party, my family and relatives went to a retirement home and sand Christmas carols for some of the residents. I was really hoping there would be some old guys there in suspenders so I could befriend them, but there weren't. There were only old ladies, actually, which wasn't that bad. We were only there for about half an hour, but it was a good experience. I could tell that the ladies really enjoyed the time we spent with them. I made friends with one of them whose name I really couldn't understand. She was a pretty good singer, actually, which I wasn't expecting. She also had a sweet walker, which I'm fairly positive had turn signals on it.
There are several people in American culture that, in my opinion, don't deserve to be famous. I've already talked about this many times, but Paris Hilton, Carson Daly, and Oprah Winfrey are a few of them. Seriously, who is Oprah and why does everyone like her so much? Last week, Oprah had her annual "Oprah's Favorite Things" show, where she talks about all of her favorite things and then gives them all away to people in the audience. This year's edition was about Oprah's favorite things that you can get inexpensively. Something along those lines. So anyway, just to rub it in everyone's face and prove once and for all that Oprah isn't any more special than any of you, I have come up with a list of my favorite things that you can get cheap this holiday season. And now presenting.....
A-Town's Favorite Things (That You Can Get - CHEAP!!)
Wet socks - What's not to like? It's kind of like a miniature swimming pool for your toes. And look at this - it doesn't even cost anything! All you have to do is hop into those red and green knit stockings you got from your aunt in the mail last week and then go walk out in the snow. Once you've done that, sit down in it, put your shoes on, stand back up, and viola! you've not only got wet socks, but you've got a wet butt, too! And Heaven know's there's not much that's more enjoyable than that.
The Paper Mint - I've never tried it, but I always noticed that Austin liked to chew on tiny pieces of paper. It really bothered my mom, but Austin seemed to enjoy it a whole heck of a lot. All you really have to get is a piece of paper, be it college-rule or otherwise, and rip off a small piece. Insert it into your mouth and then you have multiple options: chew, suck, let it sit and soak. The possibilities are virtually endless and, hey, it can be obtained for next-to-nothing, monetarily speaking.
Scandalous pictures of underaged teens - Let's face it. Myspace and Facebook have ruined little girls' self-image. They have the strange perception that, in order to look attractive to the opposite gender, they must lock themselves in the bathroom with their entire wardrobe and then take a crooked picture of themselves in the mirror (grayscale, mind you), then post it on the internet for the whole universe to see. I'm not entirely sure why they would do such a thing in this world of lonely old men and total creep-a-zoids, but my new stance is this one: Accept it. In the words of Corny Collins from the motion picture, "Hairspray," "You can either fight it or rock out to it." Therefore, since the world has been corrupted henceforth and forever, you can get your own free picture of a sexy 12-year-old in just a matter of clicks, absolutely free of charge. 
Turbo Man: The multilingual edition - The priciest item on the list, the special edition Turbo Man doll can be purchased for roughly three hundred. "Dollars?" you ask. No. Chocolate kisses. Yes, dollars. The world's most famous superhero, made famous by the movie "Jingle All the Way," is bursting at the seams with action packed karate moves and phrases such as "Es el tiempo del Hombre de Turbo!" Just remember. The password is "Jingle Bells... Batman smells..." Tell 'em A-Town sent you.
A brand new segment for the Newsletter - Shall we?It's time for a brand new segment here at "Signs of the Times." I shall call it The Boo Box.
For those of you familiar with the Robin Williams movie, "Hook," there is a scene where one of the pirates doubts in Captain Hook. As punishment, he is put in the "boo box" as treacherous looking insects are dropped into the box and other pirates mock the situation in the background. Thus, in this section, I will find something that I don't like and then I will heckle.
Today's victim will be fruitcake. Nobody likes fruitcake. Everybody gives it as a gift, but nobody eats it. You would think that people would stop giving it. Or... maybe the thing is that one person gives the first fruitcake, then the recipient passes that exact same fruitcake on to an acquaintance. That person then passes it on to somebody they don't care much about, and so on. Man, I haven't seen anything get around that much since... well... nevermind... Everyone together now - BOOOOO!**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "Aaron,
What the heck is Ted doing on your roof?"
- Amy
A. I don't know what he's doing up there. But I sure hope he puts that cookie down. NOW!
Q. "Dear Aaron,
What is your least favorite Christmas song?"
- Just Curious,
The Junior Mounties
A. (SALUTE!) I know I'm probably going to take some crap for this since everybody on the planet loves this song, but I would have to say that - hands down - my least favorite Christmas song would have to be "Silent Night." Not only is it the most frequently sung carol in Sacrament Meeting and other miscellaneous family and Church functions, but it is always the last song to be sung. Every. Single. Time. I hope none of my relatives are reading this because we'll just say that at a certain family party every year, we have the tradition of getting in a big circle, holding hands, and going around the tree while singing Christmas songs. Good tradition. One of my favorite memories, actually. However, immediately following that musical moment of harmonious nativity, we open presents found beneath the tree. I don't have a problem with that, either - not at all. But when you're swaying back and forth, singing, "Sleep in Heavenly peace... Sleep in Heavenly peace..." and then there is that ten or fifteen second pause where the grandkids are wondering whether or not it's ok to make a mad dash for the nearest box, it's kinda awkward. "Sleep in Heavenly peace............ NOW LET'S GET 'EM!! IS THAT ONE MINE, AUSTIN? EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, I NEED MY PRESENT!" I guarantee you that this scene will be re-enacted - word for word, except for the fact that Austin won't be there - tomorrow night. Mark my words. I am just saying that we should end on like... "Frosty the Snowman," or something. Maybe start with "Silent Night" and then build up the excitement from there instead of going from "Heavenly peace" to utter pandemonium in less than thirty seconds.
It's time once again for the Shoutout of the Week. In this Christmas edition of the Newsletter, I shall award this Issue's recipient with some Holiday Nog. For more on Holiday Nog, check out the blog site at http://www.signsofthetimesnewsletter.blogspot.com/. This week's Shoutout goes to Shane Baldwin. Shane, my boy! I was thinking that we should go live in an igloo. The problem there is that I believe that the body heat from inside the igloo would make the ice melt. In fact, while the ice was melting, the South Bend Shovel Slayer would take salt from inside Santa's bucket full of coal (which comes from inside his sleigh, of course) and turn out bodies into mummies... Mummies... Anyway, Baldy Boy, I hope you've been good this year because it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home! INCOMING!!
I totally wanted to have a Two-Minute Instant Message with Santa, but he's a little busy. Blast.
The Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week this week goes once again to The Aggies!! running back, DeAngelo Williams, who didn't even get started, for crying out loud! Williams has completely rearranged the Carolina Panthers' offense this season, which is the key here, turning the team from a pass-dominant team to a running-oriented attack. Williams had 108 rushing yards for an impressive 4 TDs and a would-have-been 37.00 Fantasy Points. Perhaps most importantly, he left A-Town Assassin, Jake Delhomme with less than 200 passing yards and 0 TDs, withholding some much needed Fantasy Points from the now fourth place Assassins. Darn you, Cody and your blasted luck! I'm pretty much out of the running now.
The poll results are in from last week's Blog Poll. The question was: "Snow?" And the results were somewhat unanimous. Four of five responses answered, "Why can't it just snow on the grass?" and the other said that they sleep in the snow. Be sure to head to the blog site to find out what the next poll question will be!
That's about it for this week, little kiddies. Santa's checking his list for the second time, so hopefully you've all repented of your wrongdoings for this calendar year. And for all those of you getting lumps of coal this year, you should talk to my brother Adam about what he recently saw on Mythbusters. That's right. Coal can be fun AND educational! Have a good week and a Merry Christmas from all of us here at "Signs of the Times."
Until next Time,
Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Chimney Open.
Aaron
1 comment:
Oh dang. I'm pretty sure I spelled "scandalous" wrong when I sent the email out. That pretty much ruins my holiday.
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