Greetings to one and all from Ephraim, Utah. It is I, Aaron Christensen, speaking. It's another lovely Tuesday, which means another lovely email for you people out there in cyberspace. The good news today is that the weather is very lovely. The bad news is that I picked a bad day to wear a long-sleeved shirt and jeans... and I just cut my hand, so my finger is bleeding... from... punching a guy... in the face... Topics to be discussed today: Rollerblades, Tag Team Champions of the ENTIRE WORLD, things that rise in bread (other than yeast), Halloween, "Poltergeist," Advice from Sam, a couple Questions, and a long awaited award on the gridiron. ON WE GO!
This is a true story: Yesterday as I walked back to my apartment, I saw three people on rollerblades in a two minute span. What are the odds of that?
Many of you may have read Elder Christensen (Austin)'s email from Week 12 of his mission, and if you have, you know by now that "The Big Ticket" is now world famous! It's true! Take a look at this:
...I was talking to one of the Young Men in our ward. I gave him the site to look up my mission call video on Youtube. Then yesterday out of nowhere he asked if I played the banjo. I said I kinda play. Then he said, I saw a video of you on the internet with a banjo. I was really confused, because I didn´t think there was a video of me on the internet with a banjo. So I asked the name of the video. He said, "Da Beeg Chicketch". Brazilians have a hard time with "th" in English, so I knew that it was "The Big", but I didn´t know the last word. So I had him spell it for me, and so he spelled T-I-C-K-E-T. That´s right. The Big Ticket is worldwide now. I was laughing my guts out when I found out. That was hilarious! 
'Atta boy, Mick. Yeh got speeeeed! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixeuIQZ8-J4So that's what real bread tastes like!... I went to WalMart the other night to get some more bread because, well, my other bread ran out... and so I headed to the corresponding aisle and looked for the cheap stuff I always get for 98 cents. Lo, and behold, there it was, its purple and gold plastic shining at me like a beam of light from Above. But then something else caught my eye - the price had jumped 40 cents. So now I had a big choice - pay $1.38 for the crappy bread I always get simply because it's more frugal or go for the big stuff - Wonder Bread - for almost $2.00?? Needless to say, I'm not a big fan of paying for expensive junk, so I went for quality this week and got the real deal. Wonder Bread is kind of weird. I haven't had it for ages because the other stuff was so inexpensive, but now that I have it, I suppose it will just take some time to adjust.
Halloween is either the dumbest or second dumbest holiday, next to Valentine's Day. Why is it stupid? Let me count the ways... First of all, when I was a little kid, like most minors, I enjoyed Halloween. Free candy! Donuts! Dressing up like professional wrestlers, hippies, werewolves, Frankenstein, or road construction! That's cool! However, as I grew older, my parents made me an offer I couldn't resist: Invite over some friends, have a pizza, and watch a movie. I think we even went bowling one year. That's not even to mention that the Jazz frequently start the regular season on October 31. It was an offer I couldn't pass up, so, starting in about eighth or ninth grade, I started having yearly parties on Halloween and I've never gone back to Trick-or-Treating. Dressing up as an adult is lame. I am under the impression (correct me if I'm wrong, here) that many high school to college-aged young women use the so-called holiday as way to avoid social rules of modesty for a day without people thinking less of them. Men simply dress up to please their scantily clad lady friends. That's the bottom line. I don't need to dress like a hobo to eat too much candy one weekend. I can eat all the candy I want whenever I want and I don't need a costume. Fake dentures, a mask, or a sumo suit would only impede my ability to ingest sweets. Life without Halloween is good. Really good. So this weekend while everyone else is getting freaky with a giant light bulb or some sort of swamp creature over at the dance in the Students Center, I'll probably be having a Rocky marathon, eating licorice, and drinking warm apple juice. If you're interested, drop me a line, as they say in America.Another thing that bothers me about Halloween is that people are crazy enough to try to intentionally scare themselves. I have never been to a haunted house. I will never go. Why not? Because I don't need to. There are plenty of other things I can do with my time that don't scare me. Like playing Playstation, for example. Why would anyone purposely do something that they're afraid of? I don't understand. I don't really like scary movies, either. I can probably count the number of scary movies I've seen on one and a half hands. So... probably like... seven. Or less. Anyhoo, one of these scary movies is the 1982 classic, "Poltergeist." I saw Poltergeist maybe like ten years ago or something because my mom bought it and said it was scary. Well, I watched it and it was scary. Not quite as scary as I thought it would be, but it was a pretty creepy movie, in my pre-teen estimation. The Spielberg thriller was on TV on Sunday night, so I foolishly decided to stay up late and watch it. I say "foolishly" because I had a 7:30 class the next morning, not because I couldn't sleep or whatever. The movie is actually quite funny. The plot is pretty messed up. That's not funny, but consider this - in the first minute after the opening credits, a guy carrying a case of carbonated drinks is riding his yellow bike down the street. Two young children are racing remote-control cars down the street. One of the cars hits the bike. The guy drops his drinks and they explode on the sidewalk and the guy... well... he falls off his bike into a precarious situation involving what they describe in pro wrestling as the "lower abdominal region." I laughed. How about this - the very last scene of the movie is Craig T. Nelson and his family entering a hotel room. They close the door and music starts playing for about ten seconds... then Craig T. takes the TV out of the room and leaves it in the walkway outside the door. That's funny if you know the plot.
Poltergeist features such laugh-out-loud funny lines as the following:"Before, after. Before, after." (As Craig T. flexes in front of a mirror.)
"Well, I'm off. Now these tapes, I am going to have to present them you know." "But please, not on '60 Minutes'."
"You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn't you?... You left the bodies and you only moved the head stones. You only moved the head stones. Why? Why?"
Oh, it's good stuff. There are also hilarious comedic scenes where Craig T. and his neighbor "flip each other off" with their remote controls - watch the movie if you don't know what I'm talking about - a clown strangling a young boy underneath his bed while his mom is blow drying her hair, and the young boy telling his dad to leave his sister as they drive away while their house gets sucked to Hades.
Here's my question, even if you finally got rid of the demons and stuff that have been haunting you for weeks, why on Earth would you stay another night in that house? And perhaps the bigger question - if all they had to do was drive away, why didn't they do that at the beginning of the movie? It reminded me of Hitchcock's "The Birds," where after an hour and a half of getting your eyes pecked out, all you had to do was drive out of the city limits. Hmm... I guess it wouldn't be a very good movie if that was really all they had to do, though.It's time for something that seems to be a recurring segment here in "Signs of the Times." I honestly appreciate all the hate mail I get for the garbage I send you every week, but every once in a while, I get something I find somewhat useful. Such was the case this past week as I got another email from a good friend of mine, Samuel Rimmasch. So, with no further commentary of mine, here is what I shall tentatively title Advice from Sam. And I quote:
Maybe you should stalk your stalker to make them see what it's like... incognito like, you know what I'm talking about. Text and say things like, "I love that shampoo you're using." or "Do you really need that much floss?" That's my suggestion.
- Sam Former-BP
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "Okay A-Town, I've got a question,
I have a friend who is preparing for his mission and is wondering what type of shoes he should buy. He says he's going to be doing a lot of walking on his mission. Personally, I used Rockports on my mission, but since I got home, Rockports have stopped using their special 'Vibram' soles. Since this change, they have become a lot less durable and wear out quickly. I remembered that Doc. Martens are very durable, yet they are as comfortable as walking on asphalt. What kind of missionary shoe is both durable enough to last a whole mission and yet comfortable enough to prevent blisters? Do you have any recommendations I can give my friend?"
-Gardner
A. Thank you, Uncle Gardner. Well, I had a pair of Rockports and a pair of Eccos on my mission. Both of them came back in great condition, but I didn't really wear my Rockports very much, other than in meetings, since I ripped the soft bottom of one of the shoes on my bike pedal one day. I still wear both pairs alternatively to church, so they've held up really well. The soles of my Eccos were pretty hard, so I ended up getting a pair of insoles to go in them and had to switch them out after about six months or something, but they were really nice. Both brands are relatively expensive, so I guess it depends on how much they want to spend. I know Elder Stevens used to just go get cheap shoes from WalMart because they were like fifteen bucks, but I also remember that Elder Stevens basically wore his soles in half and his socks would get wet whenever we walked on mud... so... I would recommend Eccos, probably. They were less stylish than my Rockports, but they were pretty dang durable. Hopefully that helps.
Q. "Hello there Aaron,
So exactly what is "the snide," and why do people want to get "off the snide," so to speak?
- A Loyal Subscriber
A. Well, Mr. Subscriber, I did an extensive search on Google for the origins of this phrase and this is what I found: Some guy named Bob said this: "'Off the snide' is a variant of schneid, and schneider, both terms from gin rummy (and later, other card games) where one side has failed to score for an extended period. Stakes at gin rummy escalate if you schneider your opponent, that is, reach a winning score to their 0." Hopefully Bob is right.
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "Okay A-Town, I've got a question,
I have a friend who is preparing for his mission and is wondering what type of shoes he should buy. He says he's going to be doing a lot of walking on his mission. Personally, I used Rockports on my mission, but since I got home, Rockports have stopped using their special 'Vibram' soles. Since this change, they have become a lot less durable and wear out quickly. I remembered that Doc. Martens are very durable, yet they are as comfortable as walking on asphalt. What kind of missionary shoe is both durable enough to last a whole mission and yet comfortable enough to prevent blisters? Do you have any recommendations I can give my friend?"
-Gardner
A. Thank you, Uncle Gardner. Well, I had a pair of Rockports and a pair of Eccos on my mission. Both of them came back in great condition, but I didn't really wear my Rockports very much, other than in meetings, since I ripped the soft bottom of one of the shoes on my bike pedal one day. I still wear both pairs alternatively to church, so they've held up really well. The soles of my Eccos were pretty hard, so I ended up getting a pair of insoles to go in them and had to switch them out after about six months or something, but they were really nice. Both brands are relatively expensive, so I guess it depends on how much they want to spend. I know Elder Stevens used to just go get cheap shoes from WalMart because they were like fifteen bucks, but I also remember that Elder Stevens basically wore his soles in half and his socks would get wet whenever we walked on mud... so... I would recommend Eccos, probably. They were less stylish than my Rockports, but they were pretty dang durable. Hopefully that helps.
Q. "Hello there Aaron,
So exactly what is "the snide," and why do people want to get "off the snide," so to speak?
- A Loyal Subscriber
A. Well, Mr. Subscriber, I did an extensive search on Google for the origins of this phrase and this is what I found: Some guy named Bob said this: "'Off the snide' is a variant of schneid, and schneider, both terms from gin rummy (and later, other card games) where one side has failed to score for an extended period. Stakes at gin rummy escalate if you schneider your opponent, that is, reach a winning score to their 0." Hopefully Bob is right.
**QUESTION TIME!!** - your tax dollars hard at work...
The Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week is one who has probably deserved this for several weeks now. I know that Gridlock has been waiting all season long to see her team featured in the Newsletter, so I suppose it's her lucky day because her quarterback, Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints, is the number one earner of Fantasy Points in the entire league. He leads the second place scorer by over 70 points, so he's a pretty valuable asset to the fifth place Gridlock squad. In Week 8, Brees passed for 339 yards and 3 TDs on 30 completions for an astounding total of 59 Fantasy Points.
The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to my former co-worker, Craig T. Nelson, the greatest actor in the world. Can I have your autograph, Craig T.?
That's about it for this week, people. Check out "City Council" w/ A-Town on the KAGE tonight at 10PM - Midnight by tuning in to 89.5 FM in Sanpete County or going to www.snow.edu/~kage. Tonight's KAGE Match is "Indecent Exposure," with Modest Mouse praying to High Heaven that he can beat out my emotional investment, Barenaked Ladies. That's right - BNL makes it's long-awaited appearance in the KAGE Match tonight on "City Council," Week Seven.
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
No comments:
Post a Comment