Signs of the Times, Issue No. 31 - 11/04/08

Editor's note: Yes, I know I'm posting this on a Wednesday, but it was written on a Tuesday. As you'll see at the end of the Issue, there was a problem over at the radio station and I had to go help out, so I had to sort of rush a couple things yesterday, including the Newsletter and a paper for my English class... so... I tried. Sorry folks.


If McCain ends up winning, this will cause the biggest riot in Chicago since that bonehead geek took the ball away from Moises Alou a couple years ago. Am I right, or am I right?


Greetings to one and all from a slushy Ephraim, Utah. It's a big day today and everyone has stuff to talk about, so I said to myself, "Hey, why not?" Now I have stuff to talk about, too. Topics to be discussed: My so-called Halloween escapades, high hopes that everyone will just shut up for a couple years after tonight, the prohibition reinstated?, electric elbows, sub-zero temperatures, and the dumbest holiday ever. That's right. On we go!


I know all of you are wondering what I did for Halloween. Well, let me start off by saying that I'm extremely happy that Halloween is over. I think the first thing I thought when I woke up the next day was, "YES! 365 more days until next Halloween!" (That's not anticipation in my words, by the way...) Here's the deal - there were actually a lot of things going on down here last Friday night. I had my options, but I chose to go see a comedian/mentalist at 8:30. He was pretty funny, though not exactly G-rated. In fact, one couple on probably the third or fourth row got up and walked out in the first five minutes. He wasn't that bad. They're just sensitive. Anyhoo, after watching him do some crazy mind-reading stuff, I headed back to my apartment, where my friend Vanessa and I watched Rocky II and Rocky III back-to-back. Lots of people got upset when I told them this because they couldn't understand why I didn't watch a scary movie. To them, I explained that God hath not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Sue me. Anyway, it was a long night. I think I sucessfully might have chipped a tooth in the process - and I hardly had any candy at all! In fact, I would go as far as to say that it was the least candy I have ever had on a given Halloween, excepting perhaps the last two, but those don't really count. Well, to make matters worse, I only got about five hours of sleep that night thanks to a lovely little fly that kept buzzing around my room at about seven in the morning. It was probably the loudest fly I have ever heard - and for some reason, it kept landing on my ear. I desperately tried to swat it away or kill it, but that sucker just kept coming back. It was horrible. I tried sleeping with my head under my pillow for a few minutes, but it was hot, I got claustrophobic, and I couldn't breathe, so that didn't quite work out. And the fly just kept on coming. I finally decided to get out of bed a little after eight and the first words out of my mouth, if I remember correctly, were "...So freaking annoying!..."


Happy Election Day, everyone. Today is sure to be an historic day in this country... and let's hope to High Heaven that it's only one day, not thirty-six. One night is good enough for me! As political frustrations reach a boiling point, there are several things on my mind. (A word to my politically savvy critics: The following are my logical thoughts. I have not checked a single statistic or fact, so I'm probably going to be about 75% wrong, as usual. I understand this and am comfortable with it, so save all your political mumbo jumbo for 2012. I'm calling the shots today and if you don't like it... I'm sorry...)

First of all, they always say that "every vote counts." I'm not discouraging people from voting - don't get me wrong - but when you only have to win the electoral college, it seems like votes only count in Florida, California, Ohio, and, for some reason, New Hampshire. In some instances, candidates have not even needed to win the popular vote to become president. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense... You can win the election for President if more than half the country DOESN'T vote for you?!? Hmm... Neither President Barack Obama nor Senator John McCain came to campaign in Utah. This makes it seem like they could care less whether they "win" this state. If Utah doesn't matter, it leads me to believe that my vote doesn't, either. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit there. If nobody voted, nobody would win. Nonetheless I did vote this time around and will continue to do so in the future.

Secondly, the problem I have with people getting really riled up over elections is that either way it goes, half of the country is going to be unhappy. Get over it.

Thirdly, I feel that the media has been terribly biased in this election. I haven't watched Letterman in ages. Sure, Tina Fey looks exactly like (and potentially more attractive than) Sarah Palin, but I think Saturday Night Live beat the proverbial dead horse a little bit these last few months. All right, John McCain is old. Maybe he actually does watch Mattlock, but uh... get over it! Possibly it's just because we still can't really make fun of Blacks without getting in a little bit of trouble, but I feel like the media was waaaaaaaaaaay pro-Obama in this election. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If I were a neutral bystander (say, somebody from Poland who just moved here) that knew nothing of politics, nothing of Democrats or Republicans, any of that garbage, and all I had was a TV, I would firmly believe that Barack Obama was the "good guy" and that John McCain is the "bad guy." I know that multiple Subscribers voted for Obama, so I'm trying to keep this as neutral as possible, but I'm sure even they can admit it, unless they're completely unconscious. The media favored Obama.

I watched a little bit of the SNL Presidential Bash last night. I'm not a big Saturday Night Live-er, but I thought I'd check it out to see what they had done. Some of the stuff was really, really funny. Their impersonations of Palin and President Bush are dead-on. The guy who played McCain was all right, but didn't look the part as much as "Palin" or "Bush." Then, to my absolute shock, I saw a few sketches featuring a Barack Obama character. First of all, this guy didn't look that much like Obama, either, and secondly, he wasn't funny at all. Maybe that's because Obama just has less things to make fun of, maybe it's because the actor isn't funny, or maybe it's just because they didn't want to make fun of him. However, one of the funniest sketches of the evening, in my opinion, was about how much CNN loves Obama. It was pretty hilarious. My favorite one, though, would have to be President Bush's endorsement of John McCain. That was pretty dang funny.

Sarah Palin made an appearance on the Presidential Bash last night. At first, I thought it was Tina Fey, but when she was talking, she sounded really serious, so I eventually figured out that she was the real deal. Let me tell you - she did not sound happy. She "joked" about getting NBC's broadcasting license revoked if they kept mocking her once she was in office and I honestly had a tough time discerning whether or not she was actually serious. Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks the media has gone a bit too far...

As far as the election goes, there's not much I can do now. I'll be tuned in tonight to see if the Black Eyed Peas and LeBron James throw a huge party for President Obama in Chicago, but I'm not like... suicidal over this thing... I voted, so I have a right to complain, but I, Aaron Christensen, a loyal American citizen, do hereby solemnly swear that I will support whoever is elected because I think that people that don't are lame. We elected whoever ends up winning, so we have to live with it. If we didn't want them in office, we shouldn't have voted them in. And that's the bottom line 'cause A-Town said so. We can only hope that whoever loses this election will take a page out of John Kerry's book and just disappear.


Here's an interesting fun fact for you woodchuck chuckers out there - did you know that WalMart doesn't sell alcohol on Election Day? That's the way it is in Ephraim, anyway. I had no idea until I saw it posted on their doors last night. At first I was a little confused... it's not like... New Year's Eve... or something... You don't hear about a ton of people getting killed by drunk drivers while on their way back from the precincts. But then it dawned on me - they don't want people voting for Utah gubernatorial candidate, "SUPERDELL" Schanze.


Changing topics - Last weekend, I attended the first Snow College basketball pre-season game. I had been dressed up in my New Orleans Saints uniform for the day, as my roommates and I had been playing Madden and watching football throughout the weekend. As I walked into the Snow College Gymnasium, as it has recently been renamed, two of my African-American Brothers spotted me and quickly shouted, "SAINTS! SAINTS! Now that's what I'm talking about!" I had never talked to these guys before in my life, but I raised a fist and replied, "Yeah, Saints forever. You guys rock," or something to that extent. As I continued up the bleachers and passed them, they leaned into the aisle and said, "Give me some elbows," and stuck out their forearms. I was a bit bewildered, but gave them both a Forearm Mick, as Austin would say, and proceeded to my seat. The next day, I saw them in the library and they were badmouthing a buddy who liked the Cowboys. They apparently didn't remember me from twenty-four hours earlier and asked me if I liked Dallas. I replied that I liked the Saints, to which they yelled, "Oh yeah! Saints jersey! Saints jersey, but he ain't from Louisiana, are you?" No. No, I'm not.


**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q. "A-Town:
I have a question. It is as follows:
How cold is it where you are right now?"
-Dallin Akagi

A. It's funny you should ask. Today has been cold, indeed! I would say that today is colder than the two dates I've had down here where the girl won't even let me get out of the car to give her a hug at the end of the night. Now THAT, my friends, is cold. See if I ever spend money on YOU again...


Q. "Dear Aaron,Please explain why Valentines day is the dumbest holiday."Love, Emily Carpenter (who's birthday happens to be on said holiday)

A. Quite simply, Valentine's Day is the dumbest holiday because it is simply a reason for people to go out and buy cards and flowers and sentimental junk like that. I'm sure Hallmark loves it. Flowerama probably loves it, too. But I think it's lame. I've found a way around this hatred, so check this out - I'm going to get married on Valentine's Day. Not necessarily this Valentine's Day, but maybe in a year and a half or so. At least that way I would actually have a reason to celebrate it, right? I've got nothing against birthdays, though. I'm all for birthdays.


Remember, you can submit your very own Questions to us here at "Signs of the Times" by emailing your curiosity in written format to tarheelglory19@yahoo.com or by posting them as a comment on the blog site - http://www.signsofthetimesnewsletter.blogspot.com/.


Nearly everyone had a bad week this week, but the Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week has got to go to down.. set.. WICKER!'s Donovan McNabb, who threw for 349 yards and 2 TDs, leading the league in week nine with 52 Fantasy Points. Congratulations!


The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to Stacey Knight, the Twilight texter. So keep on... texting... while you read Twilight... and NO, I won't read them, no matter what you or anybody else says to me. Never.


That's about it for this week! I get to run over to the radio station a little early tonight to help broadcast the women's basketball game, so I better hurry up and get this finished. Good luck, everyone, and happy voting.


Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron