Signs of the Times, Issue No. 236 - 11/27/12

He's married, isn't he? I know he is.

Greetings to one and all late on a Tuesday night. Hey, it's Wednesday on the East Coast! Whoops. It's been a busy week thus far. Cyber Monday and a super busy Tuesday. Goodness. Where to begin? Topics to be discussed tonight: the longest three years, an enormous rant about spoiled brats, my Thanksgiving recap, the latest "Race" recap, and a few other things along the way. Is anybody even out there? On we go!

You've all heard about that guy, Abraham Lincoln. I saw the new movie over Thanksgiving weekend with my family and it was pretty good. A little slow for me, but most historical dramas are. Awesome guy, though, that Abraham Lincoln. I've heard people say that if you look at Honest Abe before and after the Civil War, there is a noticeable difference in his age. There is. Look it up. He looks like a guy who had been through a lot. (Musta been all that vampire slaying.) As I was looking through some old pictures of myself from just after I returned from my mission and I was struck by how young I looked! As I looked in the mirror today as I got home from work, let's be honest - I looked like crap. I'm exhausted, dang it. In related news, today marks the three-year anniversary of me getting dumped by my last exclusive girlfriend. Yipee.

That's how I feel, too, Abe.

I know a girl who claims that she's dating a local professional athlete. She always talks about all the free stuff she gets all the time, so I continually urge her to realize that he (whoever he is) probably has five other girlfriends and that she's not "the one," but she refuses to believe it. Originally, I just gave her a hard time about it, but she seriously lives in her own little world and I find it completely fascinating. For instance, she does not have a Facebook account because it causes "too much drama." One of her biggest concerns is that she's ultra-paranoid that somebody is going to steal a picture of her and use it to create a fake account. (Ok, you're not that hot, girl. In fact, most women I've ever come across that are supremely stuck up have at least one unattractive feature. For this girl, she's short and she's got a weird nose. For the girl in Issue No. 140, she had terrible teeth. I don't get it.) She's also worried that people will gossip about her if she gets on any social networking sites. That's one of the main reasons why she won't tell me who she's dating - simply because she doesn't want me spreading rumors about her dating whoever it is. (What am I going to do? Blog about it?) As it turns out, this girl only dates guys that are African-American athletes. This intrigued me, so I started the interrogation. Maybe she thinks I'm pushy or annoying, but who cares? I wanted something juicy to blog about. I told her that I was an athlete (I played football last weekend) and that I could probably make it pro in Indonesia, but she wasn't having any of that (racist). To see how she'd feel if the roles were reversed, I asked her how she would feel if she was interested in a guy that only dated models (like me, right?). She dismissed the analogy because she doesn't approach guys - all the athletes approach her. Her words, not mine. Well, well, well!!! Apparently I underestimated who I was dealing with! (Reminder: she's not that good-looking.) I asked her, for instance, what she would do if a guy that wasn't an athlete asked her on a date. Would she just flat-out shut him down because he wasn't an athlete? Probably not, she said, but she wouldn't let it go anywhere. I wanted to try to get out of the conversation at this point by telling her to send me an invitation to the wedding. She said she could never marry this guy she's apparently dating because she "gets bored to death at the games, anyway." Apparently she has gotten in trouble from him for texting at the games instead of actually paying attention and cheering. Hilarious. So, I asked, if she didn't like watching the games, why does she insist on dating athletes? She likes him for who he is and for his "swag," she replied. Not because athletes are rich? No, she said. And, besides, her life isn't that much different than a normal person's life. Uh... yeah it is. Normal people aren't spoiled, stuck-up racists.

Wow. So what I've been wondering here the last couple days as I've basically mocked this girl for her lifestyle is how people can truly live like that. What would it be like to get everything for free? And to live a life so sketchy that you honestly were afraid to ever sign up for Facebook for fear that you'd be endlessly thrown about as a hot topic for gossip? And how does one even get to that point in the first place? I can't possibly imagine being of the mindset of "I'm so beautiful that I don't need to try at anything because men (or women) will give me anything that I want without even asking for it." As I discussed the issue with a friend, he asked me why this girl even has a job if that's really the way her life is. Was she in between sugar daddies or something? As much as I hate to bring it up again (I don't really hate it), this girl isn't that attractive. I mean, she's not ugly, necessarily, but she's definitely not a model and by no means would her appearance be anything to bow down to. Can anyone provide answers? How do people get so bratty and discriminatory? I'm not, like, offended by her and I'm certainly not jealous, but it just shocks me that some people can act so superior to everyone else on such little grounds. 

On the other side of the spectrum, while I'm whining about stuff, why do so many cute girls end up settling for such dorky-looking boyfriends? I've been told by several of you so-called Loyal Subscribers that I'm no Brad Pitt (yes I am), but that's another thing that totally confuses me.

How about those people who are too busy to text you back. Wow! They must be really, really booked if they don't have 60 seconds to simply respond by saying, "I'm really busy today and can't talk right now. Can we talk later?" Imagine that - if you literally were running around doing stuff from sun-up to sun-down with barely even time to blink... but to have that ALL THE TIME where you literally had no time to text, to date, to watch TV... Wow. Do these people even have time to eat? Man... That sucks. I'm sorry.

Does anyone else even think about this stuff or is it just me?

Anyway, last week was Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. This is just a good time of year. My birthday was last week, there was Thanksgiving, as well, and now we're getting into the Christmas season. I love it. My family and I spent Thursday with extended family, which was all right, but there are just too many people at gatherings like that, so Cody and I tried to sneak out as much as possible to play football. We saw "Lincoln," watched the Utes game, and then the Jazz game, which ended up being a pretty busy day. (I hardly even have time to text anyone! It was crazy.) That night, I had positively sworn off Black Friday shopping, but, in the midst of a fantastic round of Thanksgiving Rock Band, Austin called me to tell me to tell me that, in the event that I wanted to reconsider, that I should head over to WalMart right then. Laughing to myself, I disregarded his advice and we continued with our song. After another song or two, Amy commented that she kind of wanted to go. After slight hesitation, I agreed. I was intrigued. So we headed over to said WalMart at around 10:00 and found, as we had been advised, it really wasn't that crowded! We grabbed a couple discounted.... J-K! I can't say that. Nevermind. We got some stuff and we booked it out of there in one hour. It really wasn't that bad. But my experience during last year's Black Friday still hangs in my mind like a storm cloud. That was a horrible night. On Saturday morning, my family took to the street - and when I say "streets," I mean "alleys" - and when I say "alleys," I mean that we went bowling for our annual "Turkey Bowl." Sadly, I think I have only gone bowling one other time this year, but it was good to be back. Cody and I had a shootout this year, which was fun. I believe that four of us ended up being one pin away from the illustrious and ever-elusive three-strike "turkey," which was exciting in a very agonizing kind of way. We headed home and had a great second Thanksgiving dinner with some fantastic food. After we ate, we set up our Christmas lights and I helped my little nephew, Josh, perfect the art of the high five. It was awesome. And NOW, FM100 - NOW - you can start playing Christmas music without getting on my nerves.

We are a happy family.

I got to go to the Jazz game last night - and what a game it was! As the Jazz fell behind the Nuggets by up to 16 points, I couldn't help but think to myself, "How on Earth will we be able to pull this off?" Looking back on it, I'm really not sure how we were able to come from behind and win. We were getting totally worked for the first 30 minutes of game time. Regardless of the outcome, I believe that my hatred for the Denver Thuggets has reached a new high. What a bunch of whiners! Holy heck. That officiating by the officiating crew was, arguably, some of the worst I can ever remember seeing in my entire Jazz-loving life. I was appalled by the amount of crying that the Nuggets did last night - most notably from Andre Iguodala, a man I previously had a good amount of respect for. Iguodala was constantly whining to the refs after being called for personal fouls, even during free throws. I'm not sure I've ever seen that before. Ultimately, his immaturity got him tossed from the game, which basically made my night. Goodness, I can't stand Denver. I'm so glad they lost. I hate watching the Jazz lose - especially in person. Anyhoo, fun night. Awesome seats. What a good time.

Let me guess. Loose ball foul?

The Utes' football season is over. I can confidently say that I've never been happier for the end of college football. What a pathetic season.

It's time for the Fantasy Football Star of the Week, which, at long, long last, returns to the Jive City Monarchs. This season is over. First place is in the bag and I'm not going to win it, so I've got to enjoy these moments when I can. Alex Smith's apparent fall from grace in San Francisco solidified my decision to start Cam Newton, who dominated the week with 18 completions for 306 passing yards and two passing TDs and 14 carries for 52 yards on the ground and two rushing TDs. That gave my home dawg a total of 57.44 fantasy points in a week that will, in the end, go down as a losing effort for my beloved Monarchs. I'm still 200 points out of third place and 500 out of the pole position, so it's not looking good for me. Oh well. If we fail, we fail with glory.

Thanks, Cam. Thanks for this.

Moving right along to my "Amazing Race" recap that none of you care about:

To start the episode, the teams are given a flag and they have to figure out which country they are headed to next. Despite what the teaser commercials would have us believe, there is no real drama and all the teams eventually book flights to Amsterdam. Oh no. It's the Twinnies. I hate them. They are the first team to arrive in Amsterdam, which they proclaim as "awesome balls." Wow. They are so annoying. They talk like children and say the exact same things at the exact same time. Oh my gosh. Get them off the screen. Abbie and Ryan get worked over at another airport. What else is new? Then their airplane has mechanical issues, they can't take off on time, and are forced to switch planes. Goodness. I bet they never go back to Germany ever again in their lives. The Twinnies take the "Fast Forward" and are required to eat five raw herring each in seven minutes whilst aboard a floating bus. They finish with under a minute to go are eventually taken directly to the end of the leg, bypassing the remainder of the challenges. I hate the Twinnies so much. In the "Detour" challenge, teams can either recreate a famous Rembrandt painting with actors dressed like the people in the painting or locate three street peddlers, play some portable organ thing and collect tips from passersby. The Chippendales chose to collect tips for playing the organ and ended up taking their shirts off and putting on their cuffs and collars, which dramatically boosted donations from men and a grandma, putting them over the top and on their way. They made their way over to the Double U-Turn, where they pick Ryan and Abbie, who will have to turn around and complete the second of the two "Detour" challenges. Tough luck. The "Road Block" consists of using a stick to launch themselves over a ditch. No big deal. The Chippendales finish second. Meanwhile, Trey and Lexi are collecting tips. Lexi is almost as annoying as the Twinnies. They finish third after U-Turning the Chippendales, which is useless, other than preventing Abbie and Ryan from using the other U-Turn on another team. Abbie and Ryan and the Goat Farmers choose to recreate the painting and it doesn't seem that hard. Maybe it was just editing. The final two teams reach the U-Turn and realize that Abbie and Ryan have to flip around and do another challenge. The Goat Farmers are in a moral dilemma because they had planned on sticking with Abbie and Ryan until the end of the race. So much for that. Abbie and Ryan go back to get donations. It's raining and hardly anybody is on the street. They break down and cry by the time they finally get their 30 Euros. The Goat Farmers go to jump the ditch. No problems there until the short guy offers to massage the tall guy's foot all night long. Nasty. They finish fourth and are distraught. Ryan goes to vault over the ditch and falls in several times. Gross. They're pretty mad at the Chippendales for U-Turning them, but that's life. "CBS just saved a million dollars," comments my astute mother. The two-million dollar prize is off the table. Abbie has tears streaming down her face. So sad. The Brothers Christensen would dominate. Cue the outtro of festive street organ music.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to my good friend, Ed "E-Money" Rothlisberger. I think he's the only one that's waiting for me to actually post the blog this week, so thanks, Ed. Thanks for reading, my good man. (And you are a good man. A good man, indeed.)

That's about it for this week, kiddos. Tonight, I end this Issue the way I have ended the last couple episodes - by watching Carson Daly confirm my worst fears: that America has saved yet again Melanie Martinez. Oh my gosh, America. Get it together, people. Ridiculous. Who casts these votes? What a joke. At least they saved Terry and Trevin. America dodged a bullet tonight. And Team XTina is DONE! Woot. Oh, by the way, *SPOILER ALERT*... Oops. Good thing nobody reads this.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron