Signs of the Times, Issue No. 234 - 11/13/12

We're in Triple OT/And there's Millsap for three!

It's Obama, poor Romney/Happy birthday to me!

Greetings to one and all. Welcome, welcome. My name is Aaron and this is my blog. Hey! It's Issue No. 234. That's kind of a nifty little milestone, yeah? Maybe? Anyway, there's plenty to talk about tonight. Let's get right to it, shall we? Topics to be discussed today: Political fallout from last week's presidential election, the obstruction of my hard-earned American rights, the lost chapstick, A-Town haters, the opportunity of a Gospel lifetime, a good year for movies, a special visit from a long-time friend, and the submission of the latest application. Oh yeah, baby!! On we go!

Well, needless to say, the election didn't quite go the way I wanted it to last week. By the looks of it, there were a lot of other noticeably-upset people online, as well. You know what's hilarious about all of this? A couple things, actually. First of all, everybody remembers that old, cliche saying that you don't have the right to complain if you don't vote, right? So, hey - I voted. A bunch of other people voted. But as soon as anybody started grumbling about the Obama victory, they were promptly told to be quiet. Um, what about the right to complain?? Oh wait - it turns out that the phrase is actually "you only have the right to complain if Obama doesn't get re-elected." What's up with that? It's like the guy walks on water or something. Or, on the other hand (and I know this is an issue that nobody wants to talk about), mabye people are so protective of Obama because he's Black. Oops. I said it. But you all know it's true. I loved that when the news stations switched over to the Obama headquarters right after Romney's classy concession speech, they were blasting AC/DC's "Back in Black"... If Romney had won and they cranked out a song called "Back in White", there'd be heck to pay.

Romney couldn't sell these shirts.

I'm not one to judge (actually, yeah I am - but it's a RIGHTEOUS judgment), but wasn't there a whole lot of self-righteousness going on after the election? I don't know. Maybe I'm the only one that was bothered by it. But all these pleas to set aside politics and pray for the President, supporting him 100% now that he's elected, and (my favorite) to remember that the Atonement is still real were just a little over-the-top for me. I mean, yeah, the Atonement is real, but what on Earth does that have to do with Obama getting re-elected?? And, finally, one last note about the election and then I'll shut up before Sky Anderson bullies me about politics again. (Did you see that on Facebook last week?? Crazy...) I like how everyone was preaching the "love everyone and you're a sinner if you're upset that Romney lost the election," but then, the next night, when the Jazz beat the Lakers and everyone was posting about how much they hated Lakers fans, nobody cared. Let's be honest - I can't stand Lakers fans, either, but I just want you all to know that I have a testimony of home teaching, whether the Jazz win or not.

Don't hate people. Unless it's the Lakers.

So there I was last Tuesday night, all depressed that we're going to be stuck in this crappy Your-College-Degree-Means-Nothing-In-The-Workforce economy for another four years and I get a message on Facebook that this girl I was supposed to go on a date with was bailing. That was rough, but, you know, not the first time I've been bailed on by a girl, probably won't be the last time, so... whatever, I guess. All I wanted to do was just go to sleep... but, as per my normal nightly routine, I couldn't go to sleep without putting on some chapstick before hitting the sack. Chapstick, chapstick... my faithful chapstick... where was it?? I carry it with me wherever I go - even to the gym - so where was it? I knew I had it earlier that night. Did it fall out in my car? Was it buried in the couch cushions? It was like 12:30 at night and everybody else had already gone to bed, so it's not like I could light the place up and scavenge for the missing chapstick. I went back upstairs twice to look for it, but to no avail. So I had to end my night - and spend the whole day at work the whole day on Wednesday - with chapped lips. Then I cried myself to sleep.

Saw an article on MSN's homepage this morning about a bunch of states getting ready to secede from the Union. If Texas leaves, I might join them. I liked it there. And my family seriously just had a dinner-time discussion about it. [Pauses to be called out by a self-proclaimed "politically-savvy" online acquaintance...]

I'm down.

Speaking of getting bullied online, what's up with all these people making idiotic comments on my statuses? I know that there are a couple of you out there that will "like" every single thing I post online, even if my status was "Aaron Christensen is contemplating suicide," and that's, um, very flattering of you. But I know I can always count on a couple people to ruin all the fun. It seems like there's nothing you can do to impress these people. What I don't understand is why they don't just unfriend me. If they really hate my sports commentary that much, if they really think the stuff I have to say is that lame, why do they still keep me as an online acquaintance? I suppose the reason why I don't unfriend them first is that I fear their wrath once they figure out that I've blocked them. Who knows what that will unleash? I love these people, though. Like, what are you trying to prove by belittling me or "one-upping" me? Take, for instance, the guy that I've long-since blocked that one-upped my status about watching some new-release movie by pridefully commenting that he has over 600 Blu-rays. First of all, WOW, what a waste of money. Secondly, who cares?!? I'm sure all of the others that saw my status were so impressed by your alleged collection of films. Good job, buddy. Good job. BLOCKED. And how about the guy the other day that told me he was pretty sure his weekend was better than mine? What's up with that? You built an igloo? Oh wow. Cool, man. Good job. Why didn't you just tell me that you built an igloo, though? Why did you specifically say that your weekend was better than mine? I don't understand. People are funny. Really, though. I don't want to add any more stress into your angry little lives. If you don't like what I have to say in my blog, don't read it. And if you don't like what I do on Facebook, unfriend me. Just do it. Close your eyes and do it. Then enjoy your mundane Tuesdays and substantially less-interesting news feed. Ciao.

As I previously alluded to, my weekend was pretty good, aside from the fact that it snowed like a banshee nearly non-stop for almost three days, that I spent 4 hours of my Saturday morning cleaning the church and setting up chairs, and that I had to pass on free, lower-bowl Jazz tickets on Saturday night. Typically, I'm not a big proponent of stake conference, other than the fact that it's only two hours, instead of three. Well, this weekend, it was SIX hours, not two. So I wasn't totally thrilled about that. However, my young single adult stake had the once-or-twice-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have one of the Twelve Apostles presiding over the conference. Elder M. Russell Ballard came to check up on us and, I know everyone gets all excited about "OhMyGoshWe'reGoingToHaveAnApostleAtTheMeeting!!!!", but if you really step back and think about it, HOLY CRAP - this is one of the Twelve Apostles of the Lord Jesus Christ. That is so cool. Somebody suckered me into joining the stake choir for the weekend, so I was sitting up on the soft seats and was, at some points, about 12 to 15 feet away from Elder Ballard as he spoke. That's awesome. A little different than watching General Conference on TV, anyway, right? At the end of the final session, before he made his way down from the stand, he stopped to greet and thank the members of the choir, so I was able to shake his hand and tell him thank you. That was a really cool experience for me. I didn't get all giddy about it and say "I'm never washing this hand again!", but that was an opportunity that I may not have ever again in my life. As I got home from the final meeting on Sunday morning, there were a few thoughts that kept bouncing around in my head, but there was one that resounded more prominently than the rest: "I sure wish I would have built an igloo this weekend..."

Very cool experience for me.

Anybody else seen "Skyfall" yet? I've generally been a big fan of the "Bond" films, other that "Tomorrow Never Dies", which I fell asleep in both times I tried to watch it. Something about a remote-controlled car, blah blah blah. My favorite James Bond movie of all time had probably been "Goldeneye", which reminded me of my younger years and some great late-night Nintendo 64 parties. I love "Goldeneye"... But I seriously think that "Skyfall" has given Mr. Brosnan a run for his money. "Skyfall" is................ AWESOMEEEEEEE. I want to go see it again. Holy crap. It was awesome. I'm telling you - "Skyfall" has one of the best theme songs for a Bond movie, one of the best (if not THE best) Bond villains of all time, and, arguably, the best Bond girl in the franchise's 50-year run. It's on the same level of awesomeness as "The Dark Knight Rises" and "The Avengers". It's been a great year for movies in 2012. That's all I can say for now. (P.S. "Wreck-It Ralph" is awesome, too. I recommend both of the aforementioned films, which are currently in theaters.)

At long last, I believe in Daniel Craig.

They've relocated me at work so now I've gone from being in the very front of the suite where everybody and their dog could keep an eye on me to waaaaay in the back with the tall cubicles and the two girls out of the entire company that are least likely to initiate conversation with me. I've fallen on some lonely (and very, very quiet) times. In order to compensate for my lack of actual, human friends, I've made two BETTER friends - Mr. Pringle and Cap'n Crunch. I've fully stocked my drawers (and floor beneath my desk) with snacks and I'm just back there minding my own business, crunchin' away. Maybe it's loud and annoying, but I don't really care. They should either just tell me to stop eating or ask me to share. Because I know they want some. Believe me. They want some.

I sometimes wonder why germophobes aren't more afraid of sinks. Why are they all afraid of touching the door handle? Because, if you think about it, hopefully -hopefully - most of the people who are touching the door handle on the way out have clean hands at that point. But everybody who touches the sink has dirty hands. Right?

You know, I wanted to have Austin guest blog about animal obesity, but he's busy, apparently, so that will have to wait for another week. Sadly, the overall interest in guest bloggers has died down recently. It's like... people just want to "like" all my posts online, but nobody wants to actually participate unless they totally hate me and want to remind me that I'm unintelligent in the ways of government. JUST UNFRIEND ME, DANG IT! UNFRIE....... [Ding dong] ......... [Ding dong] .... Uh... I think somebody's at the door. Hang on.

"Hello there, you Loyal 'Signs of the Times' Subscribers! 'Tis I, Craig T. Nelson! I was just in the neighborhood, so to speak, and I thought I'd stop by and visit my good friend, A-Town. You know, A-Town, I hear somebody's having a birthday this week! (Well, technically, it's on Monday, but this is Birthday Week for you in SotT World!) Happy birthday, dear A-Town! Happy birthday to you! I've known you since before you were a twinkle in your mama's eye! I knew you back when you were just 'Aaron,' for Osmond's sake! Ah, the times we've had. Who could forget those times we had at The District back before your mission? Oh yes. I remember how we used to grumble about our foul-mouthed co-workers and supervisors and then mow their grasses down to size. Then, next, I remember surprising you at the MTC as I served as your 'District' leader. Your family still treasures that picture of us outside the gates of the missionary complex. A-Town and I have had such great memories together, my friends. (Let's just try to forget 'The District: Season TWo', which so accurately depicted our search for the ever-ilusive cans of Whoop Grass - until you people lost interest and the show got cancelled. What the #*%^@ was up with that??) Anyway, it's a pleasure to be back here at 'Signs of the Times' and I'm sure you'll be hearing from me again soon with the annual Christmas Issue coming up in a month's time. A-Town, bud, you're the best. I hope you get something good for your big day on the 19th. Like a girlfriend. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! HA!!! Really, though. I can't believe we're both still single. Donald gets all the ladies, doesn't he. Shame. But what can you do? Keep in touch, brother. Let's play some 'Thanksgiving Rock Band' with Amy and Cody. Tell them I say hi. And, um, you'll save me some cake, right? 'Rainbow chip' again this year? I knew it!! All right. Happy birthday. Talk to you soon."

- Craig T. Nelson

"Happy birthday, from Craig T."

Now, we pause for the latest recap of "The Amazing Race":

Everybody was headed to Moscow in the latest episode of "The Race" on Sunday. It didn't take long, but as soon as I saw the Sri Lankan twins, I was immediately reminded of how much I can't stand them. Ew. Hatred. A couple teams missed their connecting flight. That stinks for them. Russia is another crazy culture that I'd have a hard time with. Watching the scenery in downtown Moscow reminds me of "Mission: Impossible 4"... I liked that movie. The "Detour" challenge consists of either scavenging for some alphabetized books in the Moscow library or performing a synchronized swimming routine with the Russian Olympic team. Meanwhile, the Sri Lankans pull the race card saying that nobody wants to give them a ride because they're brown. I doubt that that's the only reason nobody wanted to pick them up. This "Detour" would be a tough one. I think I'd prefer the library challenge, simply because I'm fairly positive I'd be a horrible synchronized swimmer. I'm not a good swimmer, period. I mean, I wouldn't drown, but I'm not that great of an athlete. The hard thing about the library would be that all the characters are in Russian. Austin and I don't know Russian. Parts of that library remind me of "Ghostbusters"... Creepy. Not sure I'd be able to handle that, either. Ah, I'm so conflicted. The good thing about this leg was that everyone struggled with the "Detour" and two of the teams were nine hours behind everyone else, so there really wasn't that much pressure. Next, the teams have to go find some ribbon and ten big locks at the "Trees of Love," then figure out which key to use to open each lock. That just takes a little patience. Patience is important in this race. After that, they had to figure out that the building shown on the back of a piece of currency is the next pit stop. Perhaps the biggest concern that arose during this leg of the race was Trey's obvious cold feet when it comes to his relationship with Lexie. If I were Lexie, I'd dump that punk. He clearly isn't too thrilled about the prospect of marrying her. The Twinnies always seem mad when they don't come in first at the end of the race. I don't like them. The Rockers lost everything - including their passports. They always forget stuff. Lost their money last round, lost their packs this round. Come on, guys. And then (**SPOILER ALERT** - as if I didn't already spoil it for you), they have to find their passports in order to finish the race!! There are two teams still behind them and they've got to find their passports!! TO BE CONTINUED! Ahhh.... CBS, you little tricksters.

By the way, as you probably either saw or tried to ignore on social media last Tuesday night, Austin and I are now officially TWO-TIME, TWO-TIME applicants for "The Amazing Race"! Yes, it's true. Our video and application was submitted last week and we've thrown our proverbial hats into the ring again. CBS better choose us, dang it. I'll post the extended cut of the audition video in the next couple days.

#BrothersChristensen

The Fantasy Football Star of the Week goes to... well, I don't know. I haven't been paying that much attention to it lately because my team capital-letters STINKS. What the heck, guys? There's no way I'm winning this season, which is a real shame because I'm awesome. Austin's team whooped some bootay this week, but he's still way out of first and second - and I'm way behind him, so that's depressing. But we'll give him the award this week. He doesn't care and neither do you. And neither does he. But, if he were to care, we'd give the honors to - oh geeze - Calvin Johnson, shrugging off the Madden Curse. Twelve catches for 207 yards receiving, a touchdown, and 50.70 fantasy points. Must be nice...

You brought this upon him, Madden fans.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to my grandma!! Happy Tuesday birthday to you, Grandma! Hope you're having a great evening and that you have enjoyed watching the Cougars beat up on the Sisters of the Poor Tech State lately. Must be nice... You're great and I gladly accept the challenge to keep the Newsletter as G-rated as possible in your honor.

That's about it for this week, kiddos. I'm outta here for a week's time. In the meanwhile, have fun "liking" all my stuff. [Envisions 40 new Facebook notifications, all from Richard Brunson. Oy...] Um... On second thought, please conserve your "likes" until at time when you actually mean them. Anybody want some birthday cake?

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron