Signs of the Times, Issue No. 237 - 12/04/12

Oh, what a night!

Greetings to one and all. Isn't that the greatest seasonal, non-Christmas song ever? Bless you, Frankie Valli. Praise you. Well, I suppose if you're here you either really love me (in the obsessed sense of the word), you really hate me (in the obsessed sense of the word), or you really need something to read (in the obsessed sense of the word). Whichever way you choose, that's creepy, just plain weird, and doggone difficult for me to comprehend. Topics to be discussed today: my first stab at entrepreneurship, ugly sweater parties, the most inaccurate name I've ever been called, a fresh dose of Christmas music, the double-standard of the evening, carpentry, the Killers in concert, and yet another "Amazing Race" recap. On we go!

You know what somebody should make? Windshield wipers that double as ice scrapers. That would be so awesome. Obviously, if there wasn't any ice or snow, it could potentially scratch the crap out of your windshield, but that's why they should put a little button on there so when it snows, blip!, out pop the scrapers. When it's warm or dry, blip!, the scrapers pop back in. How awesome would that be? If nothing else, at least it would save us five minutes of walking around the car in the freezing cold wishing we had thicker gloves, right?

I don't understand ugly sweater parties. They have become rather popular, as far as holiday activities go, here in the last couple years, but I just don't get it. I don't have any ugly sweaters. When people ask me if I want to go to the parties and I tell them that I don't know what I'd wear, they look at me like I'm the Grinch or something. Well, I'm sorry, but I try to make a habit of not buying "ugly" clothes. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I would just rather have an attractive sweater.

All the ladies probably love this guy, I bet.

I'd like to bring back an old segment that I think I've only done once or twice in the past, but something happened to me at work yesterday that is just too good to pass up for the Newsletter. I would like to call this segment This Week in Whiteness. There I was, dealing with a disgruntled customer, as I've been known to do a bit more frequently than some of my co-workers who are reluctant to assist anyone that's not placing a large order. The guy was mad that his order hadn't been delivered yet. I checked his tracking information and informed him that the package had been dropped off at the post office there in his hometown and that he could either A) wait for it to be delivered in the next one or two days or B) just go to the post office and try to pick up the package himself. He didn't seem to like either of those options, apparently, and, in the midst of a string of F-bomb-laced profanity, the customer called me the N-word. Like, the N-N-word. At that point, I honestly had to hold back the laughter. Obviously, that guy had no idea who he was talking to.

I've had to re-write this segment twice to make sure I'm wording everything in the least-offensive way possible. In fact, I can't bring myself to do it. I don't even think I'm going to include the topic at all. If you really want to know what I'm thinking, you can IM me or something. And if you really don't want to know what I'm thinking, you should unfriend me and unfollow me. In fact, I'd probably recommend it. I'm going to write a book one of these days. Where's my journal?

I've been using the Christmas Station on Pandora lately. It's highly fantastic and I'd definitely recommend it. Whilst I listened, I came across some of Harry Connick, Jr.'s holiday music and, I can safely say, I thoroughly enjoy it. It's like Michael "Mr. Bubbles" Buble, just... like... more "big band" and less "boy band." So... if any of you former Alta Jazz Band members that don't read my blog are looking for any good stuff, you should check it out. Oh, and you other people can, too, I guess.

Harold.

Right now, I'd like to blog about how happy I am that it hasn't been snowing, just like it didn't last year, but I don't want to jinx anything. I'm not a skiier or a snowboarder anymore, so I have no desire to see any of that wet, white stuff anywhere other than the mighty Wasatch Mountains any time in the near future. But I'm not going to blog about any of that, like I said, so let's move right along.

Mom? Grandma? You may want to skip this paragraph. I'm not a bad person, I promise. These are merely observations. Not that I pay attention to these types of things, but I guess the Victoria's Secret fashion show is on tonight. What is the deal with that thing, anyway. If a guy watches it, he's a pervert, but tons of girls are gushing about how much they love watching it - including one online acquaintance who said she somehow manages to tear up during it every year. Uh... That's P.M.U.!! If you want to Feel Good About Yourself, put down the remote and go to the gym or something. That would be like, what? Guys drooling over the World's Strongest Man competition? Or going ga-ga over a Red Hot Chili Peppers publicity stunt? Heaven help us if some immoral man were to watch, for instance, the Lingerie Football League, because that's just TRASH, isn't it, ladies?? I don't understand. Somebody please tell me why it's ok for girls to gush about stuff like Victoria's Secret, "Magic Mike," and other such nonsense with no obvious consequences. Please. Enlighten me. If anybody can present a valid argument, I won't bring it up again.

Boys, close your eyes. No peeking. Girls, it's ok.

As if there were any doubt, it was again confirmed to me over the weekend that I was not born to be a carpenter. I officially ran out of room to put my movies, so I went to WalMart on Friday, picked myself up a lovely little bookshelf - check that - it's a lovely LARGE bookshelf - and attempted assembly. I was doing really well until I put the bottom piece in upside down. Then it all went to pot. I eventually got it figured out - three hours later - and it wasn't completely pretty, but hey... it works. My room is looking a lot less cluttered now. Clutter. I hate that word.

On Friday night, I went to see the Killers in concert at UVU. Initial thoughts: Wow, that arena is a lot smaller than I anticipated it being! Regardless of the size of the venue or the amount of leg room, it gave me a chance to better familiarize myself with the Vegas-based rock group. They say Vegas, but we all know that Brandon Flowers - or Brother Flowers, as I prefer to call him - is originally from good ol' Nephi, Utah! Brother Flowers reminisced for a few minutes about growing up in Utah, but I seriously could only understand about 40% of what he was saying, so I dunno. I had been listening to their greatest hits and their newest album, "Battleborn," pretty much non-stop for the previous week and a half in preparation for the show and that ended up being of great benefit to me, as I recognized most of the tracks they performed (as opposed to "Bon Jovi" in 2011, where I only recognized about half of the songs). It was a fun show and it was great to get out and do something exciting, but was it the best show I've seen in my entire life? No, probably not. I'm thinking that the Trans-Siberian Orchestra probably takes the cake on that one. Those guys are awesome. However, my love for Brother Flowers and company has been strengthened at least three- or four-fold, so that's fantastic, and now I've got a couple more albums of theirs that I can delve into with greater appreciation.

Brother Flowers and friends.

In NBA news, the New Orleans Hornets will reportedly be changing their team's nickname to the Pelicans as soon as next season. That's probably the stupidest team name I've ever heard in my life, other than when the Oklahoma City Thunder included "Bison" as a possible name before basing their final decision on a public vote. Pelicans? PELICANS? If that's seriously the name they're going with, I never want to hear anyone in New Orleans complain about the Utah "Jazz" ever again. Oh, and speaking of the Jazz, I hate Blake Griffin. That is all.

The Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week goes to Adrian Peterson from my blessed mother's team yet again. Hasn't he won this thing like seven times this year? What the heck is his deal? He blows out his knee last year and now he's back scoring 50+ fantasy points every week? Anyhoo, he ran for a touchdown (and a nice one, at that), but it was his 210 rushing yards that brought home the bacon for Mama Mia, who positions herself 10 points out of first place headed into next week. Also, my team stinks.

He's done it again.

On this week's "Amazing Race," we got a big shake-up in the leaderboard as the final four teams made their way to - wait... where? The Twinnies can't pronounce it, but they're going to Spain. And yes, you guessed it - I cannot stand those Sri Lankan girls. Holy annoying. I can't believe they're still on this show. I'm also surprised I haven't, , to borrow a term from Jordan Holmes' native California, shanked my eyes and eardrums out yet. The Twinnies are in first place and head to Barcelona (where the Brothers Christensen would dominate, by the way). By the time the place they're headed actually opens, Trey and Lexi have caught up. As a matter of fact, travel (and waiting times), the great equalizers, allow all four teams to catch up eventually - but not before the Twinnies, Trey and Lexi, and the Chippendales spend a day at the beach, which consisted of the Sri Lankans and Lexi squealing like little girls. I cannot STAND THEM!! The teams had to go find some place with these freaky guys dressed as fire-toting devil creatures to get their next clue. The Twinnies must have felt right at home. Moving right along to the next challenge. The teams were then forced to drive a shamelessly-promoted Ford car to a tennis court. This part could get tricky because, were the Brothers Christensen in the race, not only did they have to self-navigate (as opposed to going via taxi, etc), but they also had to drive a stick-shift. I openly mocked the Twinnies' inability to drive a stick because I can't drive stick, either. (Anybody have a car they'd like to lend the Brothers Christensen?) Their next destination, a tennis facility, was Rafael Nadal's home court and the teams were required to return 20 volleys back over the net before proceeding. (Austin's turn. He'd rock it.) Trey and Lexi emerged in first place, followed closely thereafter by the Chippendales. The Goat Farmers essentially attempted "Amazing Race" suicide by sending the tall guy with the bum ankle out to play tennis. Uh, morons? He spent a great deal of the next ten minutes (of show time) sitting in the corner crying. The Twinnies prove that they are as equally unathletic as they are brain-dead as Nadiya asked Natalie whether she was right- or left-handed. Wow. To make a long story short (too late), Trey and Lexi finished in first place for the leg, but not before Lexi got a boo-boo that was incredibly blown out of proportion by CBS in the commercials leading up to the episode. The Chippendales eventually wound up in second. It was a race for third place as the Goat Farmers and their totally disturbing tee-shirts duked it out metaphorically with the Twinnies. As the Goat Farmers pulled ahead, leaving the Sri Lankans in the literal dust of their fancy Ford stick-shift, the Obnoxious Ones spouted of a slew of incorrect Spanish and homophobic slurs, accepting defeat and, ultimately, coming in last place. But - to no shock of my parents - CBS decided to have this leg of the race be non-elimination, forcing us to be subjected to the freakin' Twinnies for one more episode. Dang. I can't stand them. Well, that's all she wrote for this week's "Amazing Race." Aren't you so glad I recapped it for you? Anyway, as if there were any doubt, the Brothers Christensen would have owned this leg. Don't mess it up again, CBS! The "Amazing Race" season finale airs this Sunday night.

Can't stand them. TWINNIES!!!!!!

The Shoutout of the Week goes to.............. Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Sweet surrender, what a night.

Francis and the Four Seasons.

Now to find out if America blew it again and saved Melanie Martinez. They sure as heck better not have. I'll be ticked. And you know, while we're on that topic and as I flip on the TV, do you think that there's a conspiracy group out there that watches these shows and mass-votes for the worst contestant in the competitions? I think it's a real possibility. Melanie is TERRIBLE! You can't tell me that people are actually downloading her stuff on iTunes because they like her! Disgusting. And finally, I'm so happy that Christina's team has been completely eliminated. Hopefully that means she'll talk less now. That'd be nice.

That's about it for this week, kiddos. Thanks to the three of you that read this week. It was a pleasure for me to give your eyes some exercise. Hopefully it wasn't entirely in vain.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron