Signs of the Times, Issue No. 206 - 05/01/12

"When you're near me, darling, can't you hear me? S.O.S.!"

Greetings to one and all. Let's just get this out of the way now - I'm postponing Episode Two of "The District: Season Two" for a week because, well, let's just say I had something incredible happen to me this week. Something so incredible, in fact, that it went immediately down as one of the most shocking things that has ever come to pass in the historic annals of my illustrious dating career. Try to contain your depression about "The District" - it's devastating, I know. But come on, now. Let's get to it. Topics to be discussed today: Dating, communication, and GIRL POWER!!! It's Ladies' Night here at "Signs of the Times"! On we go!

LADIES!!!

So I've started my ten-day student-teaching experience at Crescent View Middle School. As a matter of fact, I'm teaching in the very room where I took my first year of seminary, so that's kind of cool. My first lesson was yesterday morning and, though I thought I was well-prepared (I actually had to end up cutting about a third of the lesson out, which was kind of a relief), it quickly came to my attention that most these little 14- and 15-year-olds just rolled out of bed and were in no mood to learn about Ezekiel's symbolically-driven prophesies concerning the destruction of Jerusalem. I'll go into my religious reminiscing in more detail in the coming weeks. There is something of greater import at hand, presently. While I spent the last four months arduously preparing for this opportunity of a lifetime, a long-time friend of mine (or, for Biblical purposes, we'll call him "a certain man") attempted on several occasions to line me up on a date with "a certain woman," who also so happens to be a seminary teacher. He had brought it up to me several times and I had failed to act upon his promptings. As I visited him last week, he committed me to contact her at some point that day. He gave me her number and I told him I wouldn't let him down. I was a little busy with things that afternoon and finally realized at about 8:30 that night that I hadn't introduced myself to her yet. I sent a text saying saying hello and that a mutual acquaintance of ours had pointed me in her direction. I didn't hear back from her that night. The next day at 1:00 in the afternoon, she responded, saying (and I quote), "Um Hi?! I do take phone calls:) Don't feel obligated its all good:)" I told her that I was at work, but I'd be happy to call when I got off at 5:30 if she wanted. She replied, "That's totally fine. Whatever works for you I'm chill." (In retrospect, punctuation clearly isn't her strong suit.) I supposed that I should, like, send a picture or something. That way she'd know that I wasn't a homeless man or a nine-year-old. Right? So I sent a lovely picture of my bright, smiling face. An hour and four minutes later, my phone started freeeeeaking. When I got a chance, I took a look at my phone to see that she had sent me four new texts. Iiiiiinteresting... I swiped my phone and hopped into my inbox. These are her words, not mine. I kid you not. "Calling a girl is the best way to asker her out:) Obviously you r wanting a picture (to see if you're interested). I think it's best we don't go out...if thats what you were going to do...if not...I think it's best we not be texting buddies either:)...Thanks tho. Good luck with pre-service! Seminary is the best job on earth... you will love it!:)" Then she sent me a picture of her with a young man in a suit with the caption: "Btw here is a pic. I spoke at his baptism. Best of luck to you:)" ... ... ... ... ... HAHAHAHAHA!!! Are you SERIOUS?!? First of all, I never asked for - or even implied that I wanted - a picture of this princess. (I had already seen her two or three times as I've spent time in numerous seminary buildings, so I didn't need to know what she looked like.) Secondly, I told her I'd call her when I got off work. (My dad faults me for texting her and not calling initially, but hey, it's the Modern Age. NOBODY answers when I call them. NOBODY.) What the heck, lady? This, I dare say, is perhaps the fastest, swiftest, and most unwarranted of any rejection I have ever experienced. I wasn't even trying on this one! Wow. Somebody please tell me what I did wrong here.

Today, I want to talk about dating. Dating is messed up. I'd go so far as to say that it's Pretty Messed Up (P.M.U.!!). I walk around sometimes and see total losers (not to toot my own horn, but seriously...) with girlfriends (some of which are exponentially more attractive than their chosen flavor of the month) and I just don't get it. I was up way too late a couple weeks ago and I saw some show on TV called "Who Wants to Date a Comedian?" In my sleep-deprived stupor, I sat there and watched it for like five minutes until I just couldn't bear it any longer. Basically, this 50-year-old African-American dude that I guess a few people think should be considered a "comedian" got lined up three smokin' hot babes (obviously to draw ratings to what otherwise would be as interesting as a steaming pile of dung) and they were all head-over-heels for this fool. It gave me a great idea, though, which I think would do incredibly well on late-late night television. It's called "Who Wants to Date a Straight-Edge, 25-Year-Old, Mormon Guy who Works in a Call Center, Lives at Home, Blogs Every Tuesday, Once Applied for a Reality TV Show with his Brother, Made an Hour-Long Documentary About Pro Wrestling, and Can't Remember the Last Time He Missed Church?" The ladies will eat that right up... Actually, on second thought, I don't think anybody would want to watch that show, even if they lived in Utah County. Believe me. I know from experience.


I just got flirted with by a customer. Hardcore. I take Spanish calls at work sometimes and it's usually just fine. I love Hispanics. They're so nice to me. Today I was talking with this lady that made no sense at all. The things she were trying to do just weren't logical. The phone call ended up getting a little lengthy. Finally, as we were wrapping up, she started trying to speak English to me... asking me where I was from (Mexico?), how I learned Spanish, and how old I was. She told me she was 26. Not a chance. More like fifty-six! I'm not stupid. Then she wanted me to send her an email with some information - and there was no way I was doing that from my personal work email address. It was just weird. She started calling me "babe" and "baby" and stuff like that. I'm proud to say that this was the first and only time (and hopefully last time, as well) that a customer has ever tried to put the moves on me. I just felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to take any more calls for the rest of the day. Sadly, I did. And, luckily, nobody else tried to hit on me.

We're going to shake things up here for a bit. It should come as no surprise to anybody that (SPOILER ALERT) I write 95% of all the Questions for **QUESTION TIME!!**, myself. That's right. So, for a change of pace, I'm still going to ask all the Questions this week, but this week, I'm going to have real, live girls answer them. Oh yeah. I'm man enough to admit when I need help. And, at this point, I can't take any more rejection. I can't, dang it! I need answers! ANSWERS!!

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q.  "So, I believe I'm running out of places to meet people. If I were a single young man, which I am, where would you suggest looking for single young women? I've tried everywhere. Help me."

A. If you want to meet girls who you will like, go to places you like being, but go with mixed groups. Go with people you know, but have your friends invite new people too. Don't get stuck always hanging out in groups of the same people all the time.

If you like dancing, go country dancing. If you like sports, go with groups of people to a Jazz game. If you like playing video games, invite people over to play video games. If you like food, go to cooking classes. If you like movies, go to movie parties. It might sound silly, but single women are not sitting around at home doing nothing. At least not the good ones! The good single women are out enjoying life and trying to better themselves. The likelihood of just randomly meeting a girl who likes what you like and who is perfect for you, while you are doing something you dislike, is just not highly realistic. But, you have a higher chance of meeting someone you might be interested in if you are happy, doing things you like doing, and are willing to meet new people while doing those things.

That being said, one of the most frustrating things to single women that I know is when they are out (at bonfires, parties, at baseball games, social events, etc.) and they are talking with a guy who seems like a great person and is enjoyable to be around, but won't get their number. I can't tell you how many times I've been at parties with my friends and roommates where we have all met great guys who seem pretty clearly interested and then end the night by saying nothing more than, "Well, it was nice to meet you." Guys! Get her number! If you are at a party and you are meeting great people, put yourself out there a little by thinking ahead. It is impossible to move forward in a positive dating direction if you can't even get a girl's number!

Women are not as incredibly confusing as they are made out to be. They just want someone to treat them well, be honest with them, and make them work to be better. Of course, there are the stereotypical girls who make all of us seem like needy, double-talking, sneaky princesses, but for the most part, women just want you to care a little. We don't want to do all the work and we certainly don't want to play the games for nothing. No one likes that we have to play the flirting-catching-their-eye, notice-me games, but it is inevitable. So if we make an effort, guys, deal in.

- Kimberly Andersen

Q. "What do I need to do to get all the ladies?"

A. The way to draw a girl in is to first appear that you take care of yourself. That you work out and that you have goals and are motivated to get there and are not planning on being 35 and living in yo momma's basement. (What about 25?) Well that's a little different... especially if you are going to school or working on saving for a house or something. Working for something better, I should say... Then when you do talk to them be charming and genuine. Don't use stupid pick up lines attempting to be genuine. However... if you use them and then acknowledge that you are being nerdy by using them, it's different.

- Desirae Johnson-Payne

What the?!

Q. "Why are you marrying my brother?"

A. "Well... There's lots of reasons. He makes me want to be a better person, we have a lot of similar interests, he's good to me, he's a worthy Priesthood holder, and, of course, he's good looking."

- Lex Jorgensen

Q. "What is the best way for a guy to show a girl he is interested in her without freaking her out or being creepy?"

A. "There are obvious and not-so-obvious levels of SHOWING someone you care. Let's do a scale of 1 to 3:

1 = Introduction (see cute girl, meet cute girl, introduce yourslef)

2 = See girl again (mention it is good to see her, ask for number or to do something)

3 = Get to hang out, take on date (compliment and ask questions about her.  Attention to the smallest thing can tell her you like her.  If she is interested, she will continue.  If this "attention to detail" creeps her out, she will not be interested to move further)."

- Missy Grillone-Nelson

This, I'm guessing, is a 4.

Beautiful answers. Eye-opening. Fantastic. Now I have a couple more guest bloggers that want to get in on the action. We'll start with a former co-intern of mine back in the X96 days. Crystal Nichols posted on my Facebook wall last week complimenting the blog, so I thought I'd give her a chance to be part of the Newsletter. I asked Crystal how she felt about dating and this is what she had to say:

Dating is the epitome of the "Twilight Zone" and "Stepford Wives" mixed. It is a place where an alternate reality exists where everything seems perfect but really there is an evil force behind it. There are guys that will ask you out and seem like everything you are attracted to and as time goes on you realize it's a show. I think the most disappointing part of dating is nobody really asks anybody out - girls or guys. Yes, guys should ask girls out but if girls like a guy, they should ask them out. (And vice versa.) There needs to be more dating and less talking about dating. I think really that is the biggest problem.

- Crystal Nichols

I don't really know what this means, but I think I agree.

I was chatting with my co-worker, Eileen, last night and she gave me a list of ten ways not to get a date if you're a girl:

- Travel in groups

- Complain about guys/other girls

- Wear tons of makeup

- Make "nice" guys your pals

- Become obsessed with fan literature ("Twilight")

- Let yourself go

- Get 13 cats

- Volunteer for the munch and mingle committee (way too desperate-looking)

- Start chewing tobacco
- Cry frequently in public

- Eileen Snow

I once did a segment called He Says/She Hears, which was surprisingly popular. However, my female Subscribers immediately demanded a follow-up segment called "She Says/He Hears"... Today is your day, ladies. Check out Jessica Turner's thoughts:

She says: "I'll just have the salad." He hears: "I need to lose five pounds." or "You're too cheap to buy what I really want." (No... I happen to really like salads.)

She says: "I've got a ton going on this week, would next week be ok?" He hears: "I don't like you and need some time to find a new excuse to use."

She says: "Hey, there's a group getting together to _____ . You should join." He hears: "I want to date you." or "I need to impress someone."

She says: "Let's watch a movie." He hears: "Let's make-out."

- Jessica Turner

I'm an equal opportunity blogger. I want everyone to participate in my Newsletter. It's a great way to get free publicity and it will surely gain you notoriety and increased social standing. I offered even the unlikliest of women a chance to shine in the spotlight last night on Facebook and, well, it turned into something I think could qualify for aTwo-Minute Instant Message. I am in red and Madeline Newhouse is in green.

Aaron Christensen wonders if any of the girls who always ignore him on Facebook would like to guest blog for tomorrow's "Signs of the Times"... any takers?

I wouldn't call it ignoring.

What would you call it?

Listening. Without making comments.

...

That's profound.

Maybe some people just really like hearing me say hello. I've never thought of it that way before.

It's all about the bigger picture, Aaron.

I just find it hilarious that anyone even responded to that status in the first place.

Finally, ladies and gentlemen! Finally! I've been in contact with my elusive celebrity guest blogger. Finally, she's had a chance to express her thoughts about dating. Her name is Brittany Molina. She was featured quite prominently in national news a few months back and I knew I needed to find out what makes this girl tick. I've been through some crazy crap, but never anything on a national scale. I asked Miss Molina what the hardest thing about being a single girl is and she has found time in her busy, celebrity schedule to communicate EXCLUSIVELY with "Signs of the Times"!!

What’s the hardest thing about being a single girl? Well, at first I was going to say there’s nothing really that hard. It’s pretty fun actually. You get to meet cool people, you get fed well, boys are nice to you, and you get a lot of attention.  But after thinking more about it, there are a few hard things about being a single girl. I think (and this probably only applies to me because I live in Utah) the hardest thing about being a single girl is always having to make new girl friends, and never being able to only be “just friends” with guys.  I mean, I feel like I have a different circle of friends every year, and that’s probably because I do. My girl friends keep leaving me to get married. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them. But all I’m saying, is that finding new friends every year is a difficult task. When I finally make new friends and we start to hang out, they just find a boy and its like they disappear off of the face of the earth. I don’t blame them, but seriously. Oh well. AND THEN, what the heck. Can girls and boys not just be friends? Guys only want to hang out with you if they are interested… you try to give them all of the “just friends” clues until they try to make a move… and then it gets awkward. Then they disappear off of the face of the earth. Oh well, again. I’ve been pretty lucky to always manage to find at least one friend that I can force to hang out with me. But yeah. It’s pretty rough…… hahaha. The end.

- Brittany Molina

Power to the pretty people.

And finally, let's take it on home with our final guest blogger, Janae Balibrea - a great friend, a long-time Subscriber, and a faithful blogger, herself! (You can request to read Janae's blog at www.shortestnae.blogspot.com - she says she'll let anyone read if they want to!) Janae says:

I’ve gone on lots of dates.

I had a couple of them with two different guys in February-ish that actually were really enjoyable! So a few days later I sent a text asking how they were doing. You know, expressing my interest, meeting half-way. They were polite. They answered. They weren’t especially conversational. In the days following I didn’t hear from them, and haven’t gone out with either of them a second time. I haven’t heard from them since.

I also went out several times with a guy who, when I texted him, he decided to stop responding completely even though he had seemed totally into me. I tried twice, I think. Then he deleted me on Facebook. OK? I was really confused. Not especially sad. Just confused.

The thing is, in both cases, I got the hint.

I could fault the guys for this—for their polite disinterest or their ignoring. But if they weren’t interested, they didn’t need to pursue me. And to be honest, I’m not sure how I would have taken it if they had straight up said that they weren’t interested. So what do we do? What should we young, single, rude-resistant individuals do?

I have to call on all single people — myself included — to just start being honest. This doesn’t mean you have to be rude! Case in point…

In March I went out with this guy who was conversational enough. I had zero attraction and felt (for more reasons than that) like nothing would ever come of it. He listened to a lot of rap, spoke a little bit “ghetto,” and dressed like a basketball player full-time, among other things. But that’s a story for another day. He kept texting me in the following weeks, and I kept answering. I was being polite but not flirtatious. I didn’t dislike him. I had no reason to be rude. And I’d feel bad about ignoring him. Over spring break, he said, “Text me when you get back into town.”

Uh, I didn’t.

I heard from him the other day. He sent a text. This is what it said: “Should I delete you out of my phone now?” Duh? My first inclination was to ignore him. If he hasn’t gotten the hint by now, he’ll certainly get it when I don’t answer, right? But I replied. I said, “If you want to. To be honest, I don’t see a lot of dating potential in this, and we live too far apart to spend any considerable amount of time together.” I didn’t hear back from him.

Did I hurt his feelings? I don’t know. I wasn’t rude. I was honest. Wouldn’t our lives be easier if everyone would just be honest? Let’s quit the games. Quit the ignoring, quit the responding out of politeness, and figure out a way to be tactfully honest with people. We’ll all spend a lot less time wondering.

Right, Aaron?

- Janae Balibrea

Let's close up shop with the Shoutout of the Week, which goes to YOU! - yes, YOU!! Congratulations! You just read what is very most probably the longest Issue in the history of my blog! Congratulations, ma'am or sir! Now pat yourself on the back and go have yourself a Creamie.

That's about it for this week, kiddos. Thanks for reading. Who knows? Maybe it was nice to have a break from my writing for a week, huh? Now it's back to the books. I've got to plan the most action-packed version of Ezekiel 37 you've ever seen.

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron