Signs of the Times, Issue No. 210 - 05/29/12

"How many bones have I broken? All of 'em baby! All of 'em!"

Greetings to one and all on a very, very special day for everyone in the A-Town community. Today is an historic day in my adulthood and everyone who's a true A-Towner knows that today marks a very important anniversary. We'll get to that in a bit. But first, there are a few other topics to be discussed: a couple pointless ponderings, my date with CES destiny, and A-Town's Big anniversary. On we go!

A random thought: I had some popcorn-flavored taffy the other day. It was... pretty weird. Especially when I was expecting it to be banana. It's like taking a swig of what you expect to be Sprite and it's really only water. Who knows what I'm talking about?

I think I'm quite underrated in many aspects of my life. As a comedian, for one. As a dancer, for sure. I'm a great dancer. Duke Dance posted video evidence of it on my status update last night. Who needs the moves like Jagger when you have moves like I do? Who created his own EFY line dance? I did! Who played the world's first air-accordion last night? I did! Who played the world's first hair-accordion last night? I did! I'm sure I'm easily one of the best dancers in, like, my ward, probably, but I really don't want to have to put that to the test... I don't think I could bear watching some of the people in my ward dance.

Why does unfriending people on Facebook make me feel so happy inside? Seriously, it brings me such joy. I think people unfriend me a lot, too, so I don't really feel that bad about doing it myself. I unfriended a few people last night. They deserved it.

I had my final interview for seminary last week. I met with Brother Hardy, who taught the pre-service training class at the U that I had attended. He's the same guy that came to observe me on my final day of teaching the ninth graders a couple weeks ago. I had realized heading into this interview that I would probably not be hired because I'm not married. My thoughts were confirmed early on. As we sat down, Bro. Hardy said, "I'm going to be honest with you - if you were married, we'd probably want to hire you." Basically, he explained, if there are two very good teachers and one is married but the other isn't, the married one will probably get the job because I, as a bachelor, am not currently hire-able as a full-time teacher right now. I knew this going in. I knew what the rules were when I started to play the game, so it would be foolish to get upset about it. There were 70 prospective teachers (about two or three times as many as I thought there would be) and only ten openings for teachers in the Fall. He told me they took a look at the best 20 teachers and had to make decisions from there. He said they were very interested in me - and still may give me a call in August if there are more openings - but, unfortunately, there were just too many applicants and not enough current openings for me to get the job. That mad me Feel Good About Myself. From the way he was talking to me, I felt like I was in the top 20, at least - and maybe even better than that. Bro. Hardy then shared with me the feedback given by the students. Points were awarded for "teacher rapport" on a scale from 0-18, with 0 meaning the students really, really hated the teacher and 18 being practically perfect. I ended with a score of 16.8, which he told me was above average. The students also left some very kind comments about me, including that they appreciated me taking time to learn their names early on and that they felt like I was able to help them participate (two things that I was very worried about during my two weeks of teaching). Aside from not getting the job, I feel like things couldn't have gone better. I feel very good about the feedback that I received. It was nice to know that they were interested in me and that they want me to try again in the future.

I think that many of you were more upset about me not getting the job than I was. Many of you have expressed the "that's so stupid" sentiment, but, like I said, I knew that marital status was a requirement for full-time employment that I don't currently qualify for. I knew that going in, so why would I be upset about it now? Whether I understand their expectations or whether I understand why things aren't the same for women or any of those questions don't really matter. Why can't missionaries go swimming? Because they're told not to. That's why. Why can't I teach seminary if I'm not married? Because they said I can't. That's why. In the end, I didn't leave upset or bitter. I've used the Utah Jazz analogy a couple times. At the end of the 2011 season, the Jazz didn't make the playoffs. Their season came to an end while other teams had a chance to go on to the big dance. But the Jazz won their final game and they (and the fans) went home happy. They had overcome a very difficult season and surpassed expectations and, even though they didn't make it to the big time, there were plenty of things to cheer for along the way - and the way they ended that season paved the way for a what will surely be a very bright future.

This has thrown a wrench in the proverbial works that I had set in motion back in January when I figured I'd work EFY this summer, then go on to work as a seminary teacher in the Fall. Obviously that's not going to happen, so there's no need for me now to follow through with EFY (they never got back to me, by the way). So, for the foreseeable future, I'll be holding down the fort at ZAGG making the big bucks and, um, contemplating my future life. Some have suggested that I get the heck out of Utah and go somewhere else. Anywhere else. Or Texas, specifically. There are definitely options out there and some of them, quite frankly, scare me to death. But something's gotta change in at least one aspect of my life. I'm a happy child. I don't have depression, contrary to the popular belief of some of you. But I'd sure like for something exciting to happen in my life, dang it. Life is hard sometimes. I try to be good, I try to work hard, and I try to make new friends, but lately, not a whole lot has changed for me. That hasn't been entirely devastating for me. My life is nice. But I can't live like this forever, can I? [Editor's note: Why the #*&$ am I telling all of you about the innermost workings of my heart? What is this? "60 Minutes"??] Anyway, what I mean to say is that times were simpler once... Um, yeah.

(On a related note, EFY apparently started this week. Almost more than anything else, I think I am really just sad that they'll have to be deprived of all my sweet dance moves again this summer. Like, really.)

I'm not joking.

One of the more simple times in my life would be the year 2010. That was a big year for me. I joined a fraternity. Austin came home from his mission. I graduated from college (or so I thought!). But one of my favorite memories of that entire year (and my entire adulthood) came exactly two years ago today, on May 29, 2010. On that particular night, a masterpiece five years in the making finally came to fruition as Scott Aylett and I proudly presented the world premiere of our hour-long documentary, "The Big Ticket 2". Let me catch you up.

"The Big Ticket" started out as an idea I had in high school. I had obtained a championship belt during my campaign to become Band President during my junior year at Alta, which I carried around from time to time. Eventually, my running mate, Jon Davis, and the future Band Secretary, Scott Aylett, also got belts, which they showed off on occasion. They called us "The Big Ticket"... Actually, nobody called us that. Only I did. One day, I decided we should document our journey as tag team champions and we started carrying a video camera around with us. This eventually resulted in a half-hour-long documentary called "The Big Ticket: The True Story of the Tag Team Champions". The film captured our meteoric rise to professional wrestling superstardom as we took the world by storm, aided by our trainer, Mick (played by my brother Austin). Along the way, we did happen to make an enemy or two - most notoriously, our original trainer, Mr. Lloyd. Mr. Lloyd's reign of terror eventually ended up getting him fired and Mick took over from there. Mr. Lloyd lived an envious life, as shown in the remainder of the original movie, as he jealously plotted to take down The Big Ticket. But, in the end, we headlined Wrestlemania with billions of our loyal fans chanting our names. Those were some good times. The film (which appears more and more poorly-acted each time I watch it) ends with Scott winning the Powerball and moving out of state, Jon getting married and having a bundle of children, and me mysteriously disappearing while getting my gas pumped (by Jon?). So there you have it. "The Big Ticket" One.

That was in 2005. Then we all went on missions. We'd always joked about doing a sequel, and in 2008, we wanted to make that a reality. We pumped out a four-minute theatrical trailer, promising "The Big Ticket 2" in Fall 2008. Things got busy, though, and we just didn't have the support we needed to make another documentary at that time. The sequel was initially going to be based around Mick, who was unexpectedly leaving The Big Ticket for a two-year "business trip," but it just never really panned out. That frustrated me a little. I wanted to make a sequel! Over the next year and a half, we eventually mustered the courage to whip out the trusty Flip Cam and get it done. None of the filming took place until December of 2009, but over the next few months, we were able to record what some have called the greatest documentary about professional wrestling - ever. It was released globally on May 29, 2010, starring each member of the original cast (with the exception of Austin).

Scott and I orchestrated a world premiere party that night and invited a bunch of people to come. We actually had quite a surprising turnout (we both pretty much expected nobody to show up), so that was nifty - especially considering how many of them followed our request to have them dress in semi-formal attire. "The Big Ticket 2" was an hour-long spectacle that focused on my re-appearance after that gas station mishap, my re-uniting with Scott and Jon, and our struggle to get me inducted to the Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame. However, the newly-appointed Hall of Fame Board member, Mr. Lloyd, would stop at, seemingly, nothing to stop my induction from happening. (One thing that I think needs mentioning here is that Mr. Lloyd has got to be one of the greatest villains in all of cinema. Watch TBT2 and tell me I'm wrong. Give that man an Oscar!) It was a great time working with Scott putting this movie together. The acting was greatly improved from TBT1, which was, as I said, atrocious. I thought the plot was good and the ending was quite shocking. I still remember where we were when Scott and my brother Cody came up with the idea for the twist at the end. Walking through the WalMart parking lot. There was a garbage bag blowing past us. It's like it just happened yesterday. That's a memory I'll cherish forever.

Ok, so I'm joking about that. I remember where I was, yes, but I won't cherish that memory forever. But "The Big Ticket 2" will hold a special place in my heart of hearts for a long, long time. It represents, for me, a great many things: youth, creativity, the practical end of my so-called childhood, a thousand steel chair shots to the back. Those are days I can't take back, so I'm glad that we got them on camera. Tonight I'll take some time to sit down and watch the movie and reflect back on those simpler times and the great fun that we had. As Cody pointed out, it's a good thing we filmed it then because J.D. and Jon are married now and we wouldn't be able to have them help us out these days. Scott and I have contemplated making "The Big Ticket 3... D" about my long lost son, but I just can't honestly don't think I'd be able to find some 10-year-old kid that would agree to come work for free. So I'm pretty sure that TBT2 was the end of the "Big Ticket" saga... which is really quite unfortunate for civilization in general. If you'd like to bask in the glory of "The Big Ticket 2", I would highly encourage that you take a virtual stroll on over to my Facebook profile, where you can watch the movie in its entirety in five segments. It's glorious and you will never regret a second of it. God bless the American troops... and God bless The Big Ticket.

Today's guest blogger is none other than Scott Aylett - the man, the myth, the Intercontinental Champion. Undoubtedly, he will impart some of his boundless wisdom upon us, so let's allow him to get to it!

When I think of the Big Ticket one word comes to mind - Epic. A day does not go by when someone doesn't ask me how the Big Ticket is doing and when "The Big Ticket 3" will hit theaters. Although my life has changed a lot in the last two years, it's safe to say that I feel the primely epic conclusion to the Big Ticket trilogy on its way.

- Scott Aylett, Intercontinental Champion

Don't tempt me, Scott. Don't. Because you know I'll do it. Oh, and by the way, you should all go "like" The Big Ticket on Facebook. It won't change your life and it probably won't even make a difference to you at all, but it will make me feel more popular. Visit the fan page HERE.

Apparently, I forgot the Shoutout of the Week last week and I feel absolutely horrible about it, trust me. This week, I'd like to give a couple Shoutouts. First, to Jonathan Blackham, who has been The Big Ticket's biggest (and sometimes seemingly only) loyal fan, with us through thick and thin. If we had an TBT merchandise, we'd happily give it to him at a cost far below the actual retail price. That's how highly we think of Mr. Blackham. Second, to my brother, Cody, who helped us a lot in the production aspect of the movies and whose only speaking role was one of the more profound moments in the entire "Big Ticket" series. Great work, Cody. And lastly, to my beloved headband. My mom hates it... but I love it. It has been with me for pretty much all the good times in my entire life. (Pretty much.) I'll never throw it away! I'll keep it forever!!

That's about it for this week, kiddos. Ok. Movie time. If anybody needs me, which I highly doubt, you know where to find me. On the couch. Watching "The Big Ticket 2"... Oh yes...

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron