Greetings to one and all. It's Rivalry Week here at "Signs of the Times" and today we take a closer look at the world's greatest rivalries. Topics to be discussed today: Your favorite rivalries, my long-standing hatred toward America's Sweetheart, another large obstacle for eligible bachelors in today's world, the return of fantasy football, the newest Video Exploit, and my hunt for a hundred followers. On we go!
I wanted to have an awesome edition of Hashtag Mania today, but I've decided that is unnecessary due to the great feedback I received on a recent status update on Facebook. As I traditionally have done, I take to the Facebook on Monday nights to see what you people are thinking. My status update asked for some of the world's greatest rivalries and the comments came pouring in by the handful. Here are some of the best comments:
Ileana Merlos: Wile E. Coyote vs Roadrunner, oil vs water
Several contributors: "Me" vs work/homework/sleep, etc.
Mike Holmes: A-Town vs apartment hunting
Janae Balibrea: Bloods vs Crips, Harry Potter vs Voldemort, teachers vs students (also suggested by other teachers), Hurricane Irene vs East Coast
Me: My status updates vs 98% of my Facebook friends
Jessica Turner: "Harry Potter" vs "Twilight", Cedric Diggory vs Edward Cullen
Christopher Pitts: Northern states vs Southern states, Colonial America vs Great Britain, Team Edward vs Team Jacob, Star Trek vs Star Wars
Nick Nielsen: Spider-man vs the Green Goblin, Batman vs the Joker, Superman vs Lex Luthor, Giants vs Eagles (NFL, I presume? Unless giants like killing birds of prey...), cowboys vs Indians, monsters vs aliens
Michael Brunson: Parents vs teenagers, orchestra vs Howard, trumpets vs violins, rhythm section vs violas, drummers vs reality, conductors vs orchestras, fact vs fiction, NBA players vs reality, Sith vs Jedi, chocolate vs caramel, Tom vs Jerry, beginning band vs ears, soccer players vs real injuries
Sometimes I wonder why I don't just let you guys write the Newsletter. That's some good stuff.
America vs the world
A-Town vs Seacrest
For a large part of my life as a radio DJ, I have found myself at odds with Mr. Ryan Seacrest. Whether or not this would be considered an actual "rivalry" since it's essentially one-sided. I'm sure Ryan Seacrest doesn't even know who I am. Sadly, I doubt that the smooth radio stylings of A-Town have never even graced his million-dollar eardrums. That's a shame, honestly, because if he had heard of me, he'd know that he's got competition - and that I'm coming for him. Here's my "beef," as they say: Seacrest's job is easy. Anybody could do that job. I could do that job. In fact, I did! In the spring of 2009, I was selected by the management of Snow College's student-produced radio station, the KAGE, to host and emcee a school-wide singing competition known as KAGE Idol. In Seacrest-esque fashion, I introduced the judges and each contestant, following up their performances with short interrogations of the judges and then asking contestants how they felt their performance went. Easy. Piece of cake. Piece of crumb cake. But hey, did you ever see Ryan Seacrest busting out a choreographed dance to Ricky Martin music during intermission on "American Idol"? I don't think so! I'm a step up from Seacrest. Not only am I similarly good looking and fashionable (sporting a headband, wrestling championship belt, and and arm-sleeve at KAGE Idol), but I ask all the right Questions at all the right times - AND I can bust a move on stage. Who does that? I do. I am better than Seacrest! Why am I not being paid millions of dollars for doing what I do? In fact, I'm not getting paid a dang thing. I still haven't received the $15.00 I've apparently accrued by doing my movie reviews, I provided Ephraim and Salt Lake City with the finest entertainment over the airwaves for two years and didn't earn a cent, and I blog each and every Tuesday (barring a Mexican cruise or a trip to Disneyland) without the least amount of monetary compensation. When people think of A-Town, they think of going above and beyond. If this is what I do FOR FREE, imagine what I'd be capable of with a hundred-thousand-dollar yearly salary! Down with Seacrest! Seacrest sucks. Long live A-Town, the greatest radio host of the new millennium!
Ryan Seacrest vs making cool faces
A-Town vs Groups of Girls
Another classic rivalry is that of boys vs girls. It's a love-hate relationship, really... or maybe more of like a hate-love relationship, in that particular order. As children we naturally have a dislike (and often disgust) of the other gender. It starts out with cooties and having to sit boy-girl-boy-girl as punishment, which is just awful, but then once you turn, like, 11 or something, everything changes and kids just want to kiss everybody that bats an eyelash at them. [Editor's note: I never went through this phase. I don't know what was wrong with me. Probably just too focused on being better than Seacrest at that age, I guess.] Then you go through high school and college, where everyone just falls in love with everyone else causing all sorts of issues like drama, future marriages, and future divorces. Then you reach this weird stage at the mid-college/post-grad age where girls and boys just want to hang out with each other all the time instead of dating or pursuing a relationship. This causes a real problem for single young gents such as myself that don't have many good buddies to hang out with or go look for girls with. I'm almost always by myself at church functions and it's not like I ever really look for clubs to hop all by my lonesome. Thus, I'm placed in this predicament - if there's a girl I'm interested in getting to know or, Heaven forbid, potentially date, I am left to approach her in the midst of her clique of girlfriends. I don't believe that girls understand how intimidating that is, unless you have bulging triceps and a neck like a tree. If you look like that or if you've got a motorcycle, I imagine you could approach just about anybody and be just fine. I submit to you this notion: that a single girl is much more likely to successfully approach a group of guys than a single guy is to successfully approach a group of gossipy girls. For some reason, I find this to be one of the most intimidating tasks known to the modern bachelor. Why must they always stick in groups? When sitting at church... When at any sort of social gathering... When going to the bathroom... The predicament is that if I, as a single young man approach a group of two or more girls, the success rate is extremely low unless you look like Thor. And if I approach a girl sitting by herself, now that's just creepy. Why would you do that? And if there WAS, by some miraculous chance, a cute girl sitting alone at, say, church, and if I did, in fact, approach her by myself, I'd almost guarantee that she would be "visiting the ward for the day" and would never show up ever again. What do you do? Ask for her number right then and there? Creep. What do you do?? Try to get her to divulge her first and last name and email address so you can add her on Facebook after Elder's Quorum? Creep. What do you say? "Um, hey. It's me, A-Town. The guy from church. I did some searching, found your last name, and thought I'd add you on Facebook. It was cool talking to you for two minutes after sacrament meeting. You're really hot. Do you remember talking to me?"? Creeeeeeeep. It's impossible, I tell you. On the other hand, if a girl approaches a guy, regardless of who he's with, the guy will be happy that the mid-college/post-grad female is even giving him the time of day in the first place. These odds are unbelievably stacked in favor of the women! This is why boys vs girls is one of the most heated rivalries west of the Mississippi. (East of the Mississippi they all look like they're from "Jersey Shore," so they don't have to try, thus lessening the rivalry and all the tension between genders.) Here are my options: Give up, or do as any good college football coach would do - either start watching more tape (i.e. steal security footage from the convenience store at which my crush is employed) or start paying recruits (i.e. pay people to date me and then pay for the date). That's a lose-lose situation, my friends.
Single guy vs his chances with any of these girls
A-Town vs Furniture
Typically, this would be where I start overturning tables and throwing chairs, but I frankly can't afford to do that sort of damage right now, so let's just switch to another topic, eh?
A-Town vs the Waiver Wire
Fantasy football is back, my friends, and we're off and running! After one wild week of competition, it's time to award the season's first Game Ball, the weekly award for the top player in the league. After Sunday, it looked like the Game Ball was safely on its way to Mr. Jake Rands for Brian Urlacher's unbelievable turnout of 42 fantasy points - for a linebacker, for crying out loud! - but then came Monday Night Football and Tom Brady went absolutely nuts. His 32 completions for four TDs and an unfathomable 517 passing yards earned Ileana Merlos 61.73 fantasy points and the first Game Ball of the year. Congratulations to both of you.
Tom Brady vs haircuts
Sibling Rivalry
Another famous rivalry would be that of the siblings. Big brothers, little brothers, brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers. I love my siblings, though. You all know Austin, my esteemed younger broski. He and I have composed a short Video Exploit for Facebook in honor of Rivalry Week. Essentially, the point of the video, which I know you're all dying to watch, is that we, the Brothers Christensen, are people too. We have thoughts, feelings, emotions, and deep down, we're really good guys, believe it or not. I know we're often painted as the villain, for some reason, but that is not the case. You'll see. Go watch the video. Then even you will realize that we're not all bad. If the movie will finally upload to Facebook after my fourth try, feel free to take a gander. Two hours to upload a two minute video? You've gotta be kidding me. Upload, dang you!
These guys vs anybody
Facebook vs Twitter
For weeks now, I've been recommending you people to join me on Twitter and finally - yes, finally - a couple of you have taken the plunge. The new wave of Tweeters all began when my phone vibrated and the text notification read "@JaredAAnderson: My first tweet is dedicated to @atownmania in hopes that it might make Signs of the Times. #ICanOnlyHope" Well, you got it, brother! Welcome to Twitter, Jared Anderson! You've earned yourself the Shoutout of the Week! Honorable mention also goes to Michael Brunson (@mtb290), Kelsey Worner (@WornerCorner), Michael Hutch (@the9thmonkey), Joseph Hutch (@josephutch), and Jessica Turner (@_Jessica_Leigh_). The hunt for 100 followers continues. I'm at 93 and these wonderful people not only put me a step closer, but also given me more hilariously entertaining people to follow in the process!
That's about it for this week, kiddos. As a parting word, let me mention the Holy War coming up this Saturday. The game may not be in late-November anymore, but I still think it's a great rivalry and I can't wait to see the Utes square off against the Cougars this weekend. I may have mentioned a few weeks ago that I think it would be good for the future of the rivalry for the Cougars to win this year, but that doesn't imply in the least sense that that's what I want to happen. I say Utah by five.
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
5 comments:
If you feel like posting a comment, I simply request that you refrain from doing so anonymously. Thank you. That is all.
You, sir, entertain me. That is all.
Some people never learn.
Post a Comment