Signs of the Times, Issue No. 166 - 07/26/11

"In this game, fire represents your life. As long as you have fire, you are still in the game. When your fire is gone, so are you..."

Greetings to one and all. Today is Tuesday and I hope you're all Feeling Good About Yourselves. I was trying to think of a theme for this week's Newsletter. Something to base all the topics around today. How about something important? Something that all of us need every day of our measly lives? Survival. Day after day, that's what each and every human being is striving for. Survival. Today is Survival Tuesday here at "Signs of the Times." Topics to be discussed: The day off, more tooth troubles, the fiery inferno, remembering the nose wax, remembering Austin's poor shoes, Two Minutes with Janae, #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive, and a couple things that are P.M.U.!! On we go!

ZAGG was kind enough to give all the employees in customer service the day off yesterday, which really came as a shock to all of us, considering that we'd had to work the Fourth of July (the real July holiday), but hey - we were happy. Any day off is a good day off, if you ask me. I embarked for the weekend fully ready to relax and take it easy on Monday, completely willing to take advantage of another day to sleep in. No more of this 5:30 garbage! Friday was good, Saturday was great (got an incredible TEN hours of sleep!), and then came Sunday. I had noticed a little bit of soreness in one of my upper molars early on in the weekend, which I initially discarded and a kind of phantom-pain that sometimes comes from all the dental work I've had done in the past. It bothered me a little bit on Friday afternoon, but I was fine on Saturday. On Sunday, however, the tooth really started bugging me. Every time I bit down, I could feel it - and just in that one tooth. It really got bad after church during dinner with my family. As I chowed down on some lovely au gratin potatoes that my mom had prepared, I tried to chew mostly on the right side of my mouth, but inevitably bit down several times on the opposite set of molars. This proceeded to shoot stinging pain through my body. The pain lingered and continued through the night, all through a CES Fireside with John Groberg, and all the way until I was ready for bed. I prayed that night that I'd be fine and that, by some chance, my dentist would not be closed the next morning for Pioneer Day. (Side note: who is closed on Pioneer Day, anyway? I'm still trying to figure it out.) After downing another dose of pain killers, I headed to bed in tremendous pain. From that point, I woke up every hour for the rest of the night, starting at 2:45, then at 3:45, 4:30, 5:45, 6:30, and 7:25, finally deciding to get up and shower at 7:45 so I could call the dentist when they opened at 8. To make a long story short (too late) the dentist was closed and I had to depend on temporary solutions from WalMart to get me through the day. The temporary solutions ended up being all right. I was able to take a little nap in the afternoon and remain somewhat comfortable as I did so, which was nice. I'm telling you, though: That was easily one of the worst nights of sleep I've ever had in my entire life and I wouldn't wish a toothache on anyone unless I really, really hated them. I was miserable on Sunday and I don't think I've ever actually wanted to get a root canal done. That crap is painful.

Ouch.

The last two Julies (and when I say "Julies," I mean the plural form of "July"...) I have been working at EFY and thus incapable of adequately celebrating such illustrious holidays such as the Fourth of July and Pioneer Day. Apparently in this time, my family has developed a tradition borrowed from Kathryn (my sister-in-law)'s family called "Fireworks Wars." Fireworks Wars is a heated battle (ba-dum pssshhh!) between cardboard forts constructed by family members. I decided that I'd join in on the fun this year and created a castle of my own, with the help of Miss Janae Balibrea. Our three-level construct featured five fireworks protruding out of the ediface, including three aimed straight across at my dad's fort and two fireworks aimed diagonally at Amy/Cody and Adam's forts. A light drizzle put somewhat of a damper on the competition (ba-dum pssssshhhhhh!!! - DAMPER!), but I'd say that our little Japanese stronghold held up pretty strongly. Nobody's fort literally burned to the ground, but there were a few moments of smoldering cardboard, roosters with intestinal problems, and (my personal favorite) an instance where we almost caught our neighbors' lawn on fire with a parachute. I enjoyed the activity, even though it was my first time and I really had no idea what was going on. You live and you learn, people. It's the survival of the fittest in Fireworks Wars. Natural selection: one of the few things I actually agree with in science. Circumstances change, the smart will adapt, and the strong will survive. Next year, I'm out for blood. I'll post pictures of this Pioneer Day's event on Facebook when I get a chance. Check it out.

Burn, baby, burn!!

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "@atownmania,

On a scale of 1-10 how much does it hurt to get your nose hairs waxed? Is it worth it? And where can I get it done?"

- @chrismanning

A. My goodness, talk about "surviving"! As many of you are aware, at this point, I've had my nose waxed twice now (the first time being voted by YOU, the Subscribers, as being the best thing that happened to me in 2009). Initially, I did not understand how or why anyone would get their nose waxed, but hey, I had a cousin that worked at a beauty salon, she needed somebody to practice on, and she did it for free the first time. I couldn't resist. How much did it hurt? On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst, I'd say maybe a 2. I had anticipated it hurting a lot more than it actually did. In reality, it hardly hurts at all. It would hurt much more, in my opinion, to get each individual hair plucked out one-by-one. The pain is startling, at best, but extremely brief, so you can barely even feel it at all. The benefits far outweigh the consequences in these situations. I woke up the next day breathing like I had never breathed before. I got mine done at Echelon Edge in Draper both times. The first time was free but the second time cost $10, which I think might have been a mistake. I thought that in 2009 they told me that it was $2.50/nostril (so $5 total), but they ended up charging us $5/nostril for a total of $10, which kind of bummed me out. I am not sure that I would have done it quite so willingly the second time around if I would have known that they were going to charge me twice as much as I was planning on. Oh well. You live and you learn. There are days when I long for another nose wax. But in the meantime, I just watch the documentation of both of my previous visits which I have posted on my Facebook profile for the world to see.

Q. "Dear Aaron,

Did you ever have to go on any campouts for Boy Scouts where you had to employ your wondrous knowledge of survival tactics?"

Just Curious,

- The Junior Mounties

A. Oh, you bet I did! (SALUTE!) Let me tell you about one campout in particular. I'm not an "outdoors person" by any stretch of the imagination. I like sleeping in tents, but that's about the extent of it. For one campout as a young man, my church group decided to backpack up to a certain spot in the mountains. Not a big deal. The hike wasn't too strenuous or anything. We got there and the weather was pretty nice. We set up camp and started playing football for a little while before dinner. As night fell, the warm weather faded and things got cold. Like... really cold. It started raining and we all resorted to our tents for the night. The rain turned to snow and we huddled for warmth. I woke up in the middle of the night seriously convinced that several appendages had been irreparably frozen. In the morning we awoke to the literal frozen tundra and faced the impasse of having to put our shoes back on. The problem was that, to avoid tracking mud into the tents, we had all left our shoes outside and they were now frozen. I got up the earliest in my tent so I went out toward the crackling fire, where, trying to be helpful and nice, I took Austin's shoes in an attempt to defrost them before he woke up. After several minutes of warming his sneakers over the flames, I noticed something... They were turning brown. Like a marshmallow. A roasted marshmallow. Startled, I yanked the shoe back to examine it. I had burned my brother's shoe. Sheepishly, I handed Austin his shoes with the burned side down. It was only a matter of time before he noticed what I had done. Quite the campout, needless to say - and that's not even mentioning the part where my leader made fun of my inability to cook a self-proclaimed Made-Ready-to-Eat meal. That stuff is difficult to cook, I'm telling you!

This was not our tent.

And now for one of my favorite and unfortunately least-used segments, the Two-Minute Instant Message. Today I go one on one about helpful survival tips with my partner in crime, herself, Miss Janae Balibrea, who helped me construct our mighty Fireworks Wars fort. I will be in red and Janae will be in green. Enjoy.

Hello there, Janae, how are you on this lovely Survival Tuesday?

I'm surviving fabulously, in spite of the crazy flash flood, thank you. :-)

Yes, the weather is crazy. Do you have any survival tips for my Subscribers out there that may be traveling in canoes or, like... inflatable tubes or something?... I assume you have experience with such forms of transportation?

I'd recommend swimming lessons. Oh wait. Too late for that.

Tsk tsk.

I think the best advice is to wear a life jacket when floating the flooded streets of Utah or the Provo River. :-)

Have you ever done such a thing, you river rafter, you?

I have. I was undeniably unprepared for such adventures.

But somehow you survived! Incredible, Janae. Absolutely incredible. Tell us how you did.

By the grace of my good friend Cody, who was able to overcome the current long enough to grab my arm and pull me up before I bumped into more rocky riverbanks. Thank heaven for him.

So if you had one tip other than to wear a life jacket for our aquatically-inclined friends out there, what would it be?

Watch a lot of Bear Grylls. Yeah. That should do it.

That guy is intense. He taught me how to do the corkscrew stroke.

See? Case in point.

And how to intentionally rip a hole in my pants and then sew it back up with thread from a cactus.

I'm so glad you absorbed all of this information. I'd have had to take notes.

Burned in the brain.

Excellent!

Very well. Any other random safety/survival tips before I let you go?

I'd recommend reading safety signs posted in the area. Especially when they say you have to have a life jacket to float the Provo River. Swimming lessons, signs, Bear Grylls... and you should survive the apocalypse.

Good enough. Thanks, Janae.

Don't forget your floaties.

Very nice. Very nice... Now on to another segment that I think is awesome that people just haven't really caught on to yet: Hashtag Mania. Late this afternoon, as a last-ditch effort to get some participation for this Issue, I asked my peeps on Twitter to use the hashtag #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive. Here were the responses:

@atownmania - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive Headbands. #littleknownfacts

@gabbygayle - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive Reality TV Hahaha!

@SaysJanae - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive: A Snuggie, a MagicJack, and a PedEgg. Oh wait, this isn't As Seen on TV Survival?

@adventureryan - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive cute kitten pictures

Those were all the responses I got today, which I squarely take the blame for. Should have posted it earlier on in the day. However, I've taken the creative liberty to think of some ideal responses that I would have liked to have seen from celebrities, bands, and whatnot. Keep in mind, these are not real Twitter accounts... but they should be.

@SotTIncubusBand - Love. #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive #ThingsThatHurt

@SotTGloriaGaynor - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive Myself.

@SotTRebeccaBlackXOXO - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive To be fresh.

@SotTJeffProbst - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive Fire and a torch.

@SotTRWEmerson - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive Food, Shelter, Clothing. #Walden

@SotTRebeccaBlackXOXO - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive To go downstairs

@SotTlittlegirls - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive Justin Bieber.

@SotTRebeccaBlackXOXO - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive My bowl.

@SotTRebeccaBlackXOXO - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive My cereal.

@SotTRomeoAndJuliet - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive Different families.

@SotTRebeccaBlackXOXO - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive To get down to the bus stop.

@SotTRebeccaBlackXOXO - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive To catch my bus.

@SotTRebeccaBlackXOXO - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive To make up my mind.

@SotTRebeccaBlackXOXO - #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive To get down on Friday.

Get better lyrics.

I could have kept going forever with that, but I'll stop there. I'm sorry. Couldn't resist. I just need to get something off my chest and I apologize in advance for saying it... but there are just some jokes, no matter how cruelly ironic, that can't be passed up. Speaking of survival, we sadly had another tragically pre-mature celebrity death this last week. Singer Amy Winehouse passed away from a drug overdose at the age of 27. She should have gone to rehab. (Ba-dum psssssshhhhh!!!)... Now THAT's P.M.U.!! I'm sorry. I really am. I know I'm not the only one that thought that, though.

Let's wrap it up for this week, people. The Shoutout of the Week goes to my dear grandmother, Ann Goulding, who, needless to say, isn't on Facebook that often, but did go out of her way last week to post on my wall to tell me that she had been watching part of this year's Tour de France. She couldn't help but noticed that many a spectator in the background was holding up "PMU" signs as the racers sped by. Nice eyes, Grandma, and thanks for pointing that out. When I created that new internet acronym, I knew it would eventually take off and span the globe. Glad you were able to witness the fruits of my labor first-hand.

Yeah.

That's about it for this week, kiddos. Now if you're tired and need a nap, raise your hand. Done. Because, after all, isn't sleep yet another one of those #ThingsYouNeedToSurvive? Thanks for reading.

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron