Signs of the Times, Issue No. 165 - 07/19/11

Tuesday: Where amazing happens.

Greetings to one and all on... well... you'll all be reminded of what day it is here in a couple minutes. Lots and lots to talk about today. Topics to be discussed: The end of your childhood, the biggest blasphemy I've ever read on the Internet, Rebecca Black's meteoric rise to fame, things that I don't understand, tasting the rainbow, tattoos that I'll never get, and the next step for A-Town and the Coach. Ready? Set? On we go!!

I couldn't let this week pass without commenting on Pottermania. Of course, the final cinematic installment of the Harry Potter franchise came out last weekend. I saw the movie. I really enjoyed it, in fact. I'm a fan of the series and I thought this was easily the best movie of the eight. Non-stop action throughout and a great way to finish up the story. In honor of Mr. Potter, here are the Top Five reasons why you should love Harry Potter:

1. It's an awesome story. Perhaps some of the best books I've ever read.

2. Many of us grew up with this book, so it represents a great portion of our collective childhood.

3. It's something so simple - the saga of a boy and his magical powers - yet something so expansive that J.K. Rowling essentially created a different world for these characters, comparable in many ways to the Star Wars and Star Trek cultures, allowing readers to delve into the subject as deeply as they wish.

4. It is a tale of friendship, family, and fighting, three things so common in the typical LDS household of two or more children.

5. It reminds us that hope and goodness still exist in the world.

Expecto... PATRONUM!!!

However, some people may have taken their obsession with the Big H.P. a little too far. Facebook was almost unbearable last week with constant Potter updates seemingly every single minute of each day. Here, folks, are the Top Five reasons not to love Harry Potter:

1. It brings out the tender emotions in fully-grown men and that's something I never wish to see. If you're a man and you cried more than a couple tears in Harry Potter 7 part 2, shame on you.

2. There are more important things in life than the Harry Potter franchise. Like Fruit Smiles at work, Rock Band, and pro wrestling.

3. If you said the end of the Harry Potter movies was like part of your soul dying, like the end of your childhood, please slap yourself and get with the times. My childhood has been over for a while now. It ended when I hung up my headband seven months ago. Get with the times, people!

4. Hard to believe, though it is, here's the breaking news, people: Harry Potter is FICTION! It's not real! That wand you've been carrying around for the last week and a half is really just a stick!

5. Harry is British.

I am extremely please when I am making the proverbial rounds and spanning the globe and one of my hundreds and hundreds of fans asks me if I am still celebrating each and every Tuesday. Such was the case last night as I was stopped for a moment and asked if the legacy lived on. Indeed, my friends, it does and you have the opportunity, nay, the privilege, as do I, of living it once a week. But now, sadly, I must address something absolutely shocking that took place in the Feel Good About Yourself Tuesday Facebook group. Each Tuesday, members of the group are encouraged to post on the group's wall, naming a reason why they Feel Good About Themselves each week. Today, we received the following message: "All the dumb stuff you guys talk about could happen any day of the week. It has nothing to do with Tuesday." What absolute blasphemy! Words cannot express the feelings of shock and sadness as I read that statement. Here's the thing, bucko: First of all, if you don't like the group, there's a little link called "Leave the Group." Nobody's stopping you. If you don't like it, get the heck out. Secondly, you know what? Perhaps these things could happen other days of the week, but they don't. They happen on Tuesday because Tuesday is great. Furthermore, here are the Top Five reasons for you to love Tuesday:

1. It's not Monday.

2. It's the only day of the week that starts with T, if you're not including Thursday.

3. Of all the days of the week, Tuesday is the underdog. And we Americans love the underdog.

4. Tuesday is the third day of the week and three is a magic number. Therefore, by the transitive property, Tuesday is a magic day.

5. Because I said so.

"Fools mock, but they shall mourn..." - Ether 12:26

Nobody can argue with that logic. Next topic?

Kelsey Worner suggested that I talk about the new Rebecca Black abomination, but before I do that, I must first clarify who, exactly, Rebecca Black even is. She's a nobody. That's who. Some spoiled little girl whose rich parents paid a record company to produce a horrible, terrible song called "Friday" that quickly became a viral sensation, swiftly passing Justin Bieber's music video for "Baby" as the most hated video on all of YouTube. That video was recently removed from YouTube, but I'm sure you could find it pretty easily if you Googled it or something. So, essentially, she's some little 14-year-old girl with a mediocre (at best) singing voice that is now famous for annoying people. She just released her second single on YouTube and I just watched it. It's four minutes of exactly what you'd expect. Computerized harmonies, crappy dancing, and a bunch of shots of Miss Black waving at all her "tweenaged" admirers outside a car window. The song, entitled "My Moment," makes several references to Rebecca's former life before she became an internet celebrity. I remember my life before becoming a celebrity, too. It was practically the same, just I think people hated me less back then.

Four minutes of this crap? No thanks.

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "Is the iPad a reasonable technological device?"

- Austin

A. Let's get this straight, Junior. I work for a company that deals with hi-tech gadgets. I talk to people about smartphones and iPads all day long. I don't have a smartphone, nor do I have an iPad. Quite frankly, I thank these people for their business, but I don't see the point of having these devices. I've got a cell phone that can call, text, and send picture/video messages. Low quality pictures and videos, but pictures and videos, nonetheless. Kathryn Christensen once sent in a Question about that. It's good enough for me. I've got a laptop with internet access and the capability to play games, Skype, instant message, etc. Good enough. I've got an iPod that holds all my music. I've got a Playstation 3 for video games. What on Earth would be the purpose of me getting an iPad? Somebody please enlighten me! I'm not saying that it's evil or wrong to have an iPad. If you've got one, great. I just don't see the point of it for me, personally. I don't know what I'd use it for. I've got other stuff that lets me do everything else. I don't know. I don't think it's necessary. Not for 600 bucks, anyway. If you want to give me one for free (remember, I was once 4 raffle tickets away from winning one a few weeks ago), I'll be more than happy to accept. But no, Austin, I do not see the point of having an iPad. And do you know what else I don't think I need ? Google+. What is the deal with this thing? I've got Facebook, I've got Twitter. What is the point of another social networking site? "A grown-up Facebook," people call it. Yeah, a grown-up Facebook that nobody ever posts anything on. I wanted to see what this thing was all about, so I signed up and it's boring! Nobody ever does anything. I posted something the other day saying that my eyeballs hurt for two reasons: 1) Because they actually did at that time and 2) because I figured somebody should post something. Anything, really. It's weird, it's confusing, and, as far as I can see, it's pointless. Go ahead and look me up if you're digging the G+, but don't expect anything wonderful from me. I don't get it. I really don't. Somebody please enlighten me as to why this is so appealing to people recently.

I need this junk.

Q. "Skittles... Can you really 'taste the rainbow'? And can it lead me to a pot of gold?"

- Kristin Manning

A. Can you actually "taste the rainbow"? And will said rainbow lead you to a pot of gold? Well, according to some Skittles commercials from, you know, "back-in-the-day," I believe that, in accordance with your proximity to nature's optical illusion, it will actually start raining Skittles, which you can then attempt to catch in your mouth. I've never personally tasted a physical rainbow, so I'm not sure what that would taste like, exactly, but I'm sure it would taste something like pain... because if one of those hailstone-like Skittles hits you in the teeth at a high velocity, that mamma-jamma would hurt! As far as the pot of gold is concerned, I believe that the pots in the commercials were filled with Skittles which were caught in the magical candy storm. No gold. But enough fruity goodness to last you at least a couple weeks.

That's gotta hurt.

Q. "How do you feel about tattoos? What if you weren't LDS? Would you be opposed to them? Let's say we are in an alternate universe where everyone has tattoos. What would yours be?"

- Suzy Petersen

A. I don't like tattoos. Especially big, in-your-face ones. Especially on women. If I weren't LDS, I still don't think I'd like them. I just don't find them attractive. I think graffiti is cool on, say, trains or brick walls, for instance, but I just don't see the need to make your body a permanent, walking billboard. If we were in an alternate universe and I had to have a tattoo, mine would be a tattoo of a spaceman living in outer space with his space suit and his space monkey. That would be on my right bicep and on my left bicep, I'd have a tattoo of Craig T. Nelson's face. Craig T. is awesome.

This face. My arm.

Great Questions. Great Questions. Submit your own via email, Facebook, Twitter, or on the blog site. Just don't post anonymously or I'll ignore you entirely.

So much good stuff to talk about today! Wow! I think I'm going to need to postpone some of the stuff I wanted to talk about just because I'm not sure how much longer I can hold your attention. Here's something new and exciting: A-Town and the Coach are back! The former college all-stars of radio are teaming up to create the world's greatest podcast this summer. Perhaps you've seen my latest profile picture on Facebook - a sports whistle, a championship belt, an old school microphone, and an American flag. Yes, Austin and I will be recording a podcast in our basement. We've already recorded some segments of the first episode, but the problem is that we don't have a name for the show! We are accepting suggestions for a snazzy name for the show, but reserve the right to reject anything we find to be of sub-par wit, anything distasteful, or, frankly, anything we just don't like very much. If there's any hot topic out there you'd like us to discuss in this up-and-coming production, let us know! Stay tuned for more information.

A meeting of the minds...

The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to a couple new Subscribers and some people that I have found deserving of recognition. Janae Balibrea, my most recent convert to Twitter (@SaysJanae). Lilly Barahona, a huge San Francisco Giants fan. Jared Anderson, a good friend in Tennessee who thinks feathers as a hair accessory are silly. Aaaaaaaaaand Jessica Turner, Pottermania, Jimmermaniac, and A-Town Maniac. I tip my hat to all of you. Literally. I just did.

That's all I'll bore you with this week. More fun and games to come next Tuesday. Yes, TUESDAY! The king of weekdays.

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron