Signs of the Times, Issue No. 164 - 07/12/11

So when you say "free," you really mean is...

Greetings to one and all and happy Tuesday to you. Are we all glad that it's not Monday? Yeah? One step closer to the weekend? Yeah?? Topics to be discussed today: creepy stalkers (but not the one I'm not mentioning); the impact of big business on you, the consumer; the recent whereabouts of the Junior Mounties; the dumbest thing you could possibly do at a sporting event these days; more proof that "free" never really means "free"; and the movie you're all dying to see... but FIRST!! I neglected to acknowledge one "-jordanclaytonholmes?" and the email he sent me two weeks ago in last week's Issue. He had, well, a few inquiries for me and he emailed back absolutely livid last Tuesday night because he was really hoping I'd be able to shed some light on a variety of topics. With no further ado, here, Jordan, are your answers. On we go!

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q1. "What do you think about a Romney/Huntsman or Huntsman/Romney ticket for 2012? Would that scare too many people into thinking that Mormons are trying to take" over the world through politics? Would they be?"

A1. I don't like Huntsman. And people already think that Mormons are trying to take over the world.

Q2. "Why are you such an anti-semite?"

A2. I told you, that was a long, long time ago and I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Q3. "Do you still eat Mt. Olive pickles?"

A3. It's been a while, honestly, but recently my father and I have started eating a heck of a lot of jalapenos and they are quite delicious. Not from Mt. Olive, but delicious, nonetheless.

Q4. "¿Cuando fue la última vez que tuviste una conversación en español?"

A4. Hace algunos dias, hable con un hombre por telefono en mi trabajo. Fue muy dificil, asi que es un vocabulario que no uso muchas veces... Pero creo que si hubieramos hablado del evangelio, lo habria bautisado.

Q5. "Is this enough or should I continue?"

A5. That's great. Thanks for the Questions. You can stop now.

Q6. "If I continue, what kind of topics should I ask about?"

A6. Wait, what?

Q7. "Why am I still doing this?"

A7. I'm not entirely sure. I thought I had asked you to stop.

Q8. "Have I gone insane?"

A8. I could have told you that years ago.

Q9. "Is any of this even real?"

A9. Any of what?

Q10. "What does real mean?"

A10. "True; not merely ostensible, nominal, or apparent. Existing or occurring as fact; actual rather than imaginary, ideal, or fictitious." - www.dictionary.com

Q11. "What does anything mean?"

A11. "A thing of any kind." - www.dictionary.com

Q12. "Is there such thing as 'meaning?'"

A12. That depends on what you mean.

Q13. "How can I stop this line of questioning?"

A13. Stop using Question marks.

Q14. "Help me?"

A14. That may not be entirely possible at this point.

Q15. "???????????????????????????????????????????????????????"

A15. ..................................................................................................

Q. "Dear Aaron,

Since peppermint ice cream (like the kind only found at holidays) is your favorite, out of curiosity, do you like the peppermint flavor found in York Peppermint Patties?"
- Anonymous

A. Well, "Anonymous," first of all, no, I'm not a huge fan of York Peppermint Patties. Secondly, if you apparently know so much about my life, why do you continue to post anonymously? Everybody knows I'm also not a fan of people commenting anonymously, yet the continue to do so. I'm sure that you, along with the bozo that always votes for the ridiculously depressing option on the blog polls are just doing this to ruffle my proverbial feathers, so maybe I'll just go back to the days of putting my blog on private and completely ignoring anything posted without a name to go along with it. I want to know who's reading my Newsletter, dang it, and I want to know who it is that posts all these comments. [Editor's note: 99% of the time, Aaron knows exactly who you are when you post anonymously. Though it is, indeed, very annoying, Aaron is only trying to teach you to man up and accept responsibility for your comments in situations like these ones. Come on, people.]


Wow. Crazy Questions today, huh? Well, moving right along... Kim Anderson suggests that I talk about the level of disinterest that some big businesses have for their customers. (I guess that's not an ideal topic for me right after I told anonymous commenters that I don't care what they have to say...) But anyway, I typically try not to talk about or think about topics such as business, finance, or politics and I think it saves me a great deal of stress in my life. There are certain things that are inevitable in life - things that will happen no matter what you, personally, do or say. Politics is chief among these areas. I'm not saying that I don't need to vote because my vote doesn't count. I vote in every election. But I just believe that President Obama will do what President Obama wants, regardless of how much sleep I lose over it. I can whine and complain and stress out about things all day long and it won't change a darned thing, so I choose not to worry about those things. As far as big businesses are concerned, the term "company policy" means one thing and practically only one thing (and anybody who has worked in customer service knows this all too well) - the company is almost always going to stick with their policies and will very rarely make an exception for you. Company policies are the law. Set in stone. But also simultaneously subject to change, based on what the big wigs want. Therefore, in your case, Kim, be prepared to lose X-amount of channels for your cable service on any given day. Enjoy the channels you have while they last because they may not last for long at the price you're currently paying. That's the thing I don't understand. We're in a recession, aren't we? Doesn't that mean that everybody is losing money, jobs are scarce, and, logically, that prices should be dropping to accommodate the people that don't have as much money as they used to? Then why the heck are things getting so expensive?? When I started driving back in 2002, I remember a point where I almost refused to pay for gas at $1.47/gallon. Now, for some strange reason, I feel almost privileged when I see gas at the local station going for $3.35. What a joke. When I used to work at the movie theater during high school, movie tickets were $7.00 for an evening show and $4.75 for a matinee ticket. Now they're $6.50 for matinee and almost $9.00 for an evening show? Then, consider the fact that everybody wants us to convert to 3D (I won't do it. I won't do it.), which costs $2 more per ticket? That's like 11 or 12 bucks a pop! Heck no! THESE are the things that I lose sleep over at night. Revolt! Down with the establishment! Riot in the streets! Riot! RIOT!!

Everybody follow me!!

Through the grapevine at one point last week, I heard that somebody had asked where the beloved Junior Mounties had been recently. Well, I've done some digging and, believe it or not, actually tracked down one of them. I assume that the true nature of the Junior Mounties may still be a bit shrouded for some Subscribers out there, so I figured it could be not only fun, but educational to feature a Junior Mountie in what we like to call The Two-Minute Instant Message. This ought to be interesting. I will be in red and he will be in green. Contradictory, yes, but hey, that's just how things work. Here it is:

Well, hello there.

Greetings.

Nice to have you! How have you been, sir?

Very well, thank you. And yourself?

Doing well! Glad it's Tuesday! So the Question on at least one person's mind is this - where have you guys been?

Where have we... where have we been?? Did it surpass your understanding that just over a week ago we celebrated one of the greatest holidays in North America??

The... Fourth of July?

No!! Canada Day, my boy!

Oh man, I totally remembered that. July First. You are correct. So you guys were... out of town?

Yeah, we were travelling, A-Town! Out on the road with the Junior Mounties!

Where did you guys go? What did you do?

We traveled the vast landscapes and the picturesque scenery of Canada! From the coasts of British Columbia to the tip of Quebec, we saw it all. The best, the worst, the highs, the lows, we saw it all! You know what I'm talking aboot?

About?

Aboot.

Right.

So you say somebody missed us, eh?

Yeah, people have been asking about you. It's good to have you back! Can we expect more Questions from you these days? (Not to the extent that Mr. Holmes took it to this week, but, you know, a few here and there every couple weeks?)

Oh, of course, of course. But you understand that even the fabled Junior Mounties need a vacation from time to time, eh?

I can (SALUTE!) to that. You guys have anything exciting coming up in this next little bit?

We're currently accepting applications to become an honorary Junior Mountie, A-Town. If you have any friends that are interested in becoming honorary Junior Mounties, have them send us on over an email at runninwilde2005@yahoo.com, eh?

Sure, I'll let them know. Good luck to you guys! It was great to hear from you. Enjoy some authentic maple syrup for me, you crazy Canucks.

Consider it done, eh?

Good guys. Good guys. Nice having them today and, please, take them up on that offer! I know the moment I met the Junior Mounties practically changed my life. Imagine what it could do to yours!

God bless 'em.

Did you hear about that poor Texas Rangers fan that died last week? Sad, sad, unfortunate story. In an attempt to catch a ball that was thrown to him, he fell from the bleachers in a fatal accident which cost him his life. All joking and sarcasm aside, that's a horrible freak accident and it really is a tragic story. I was watching the MLB home run derby last night and during one of Prince Fielder's at-bats, a fan in the bleachers reached for a ball that was hit a few feet short of where he was standing. Luckily his friends grabbed him as the momentum sent him forward because this guy almost plummeted out from behind the railing, as well! Crazy. Either this guy doesn't watch the news or he just really wanted that ball. Let me teach you a lesson, Subscribers. Lend me your virtual ears. There are some things in life more important than sports. For Heaven's sake, if you're going to a baseball game any time soon, please, stay far away from the railing. If you really want a ball that badly, I'll go buy you one and give it to you for free.

Yesterday was Free Slurpee Day at 7-11. Allegedly. So Austin and I headed on over to the local convenience store-slash-gas station to obtain our gratuitous iced beverage when, much to our dismay, we were informed that, due to the lack of free-sized cups, we would have to pay for our small Slurpees. So we paid. Scratch that. I paid. That's P.M.U.!!

Not.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to Andrea Chapman, long-time Subscriber, long-time cousin. Andrea had a baby girl on Monday, which means that young Samantha's first full day of precious life will have been a Feel Good About Yourself Tuesday. Congratulations to Matt and Andrea on their new arrival and welcome, Samantha Chapman, to the planet Earth.

I like Harry Potter. I do. If you asked me what my favorite book was, I'd probably tell you that it was Harry Potter 6. That was some good stuff. I'm excited for the second installment of the seventh movie to come out this week. I've got tickets to it on Friday afternoon, as a matter of fact! I'll be among the millions of crazed Potter fans rewatching a couple of the movies to catch myself up again before heading to the theater this weekend. But seriously, people. Some of these peeps are crazy. I think there's got to be some sort of a line out there where, if you cross it, they deport you off to Harry Potter Land or whatever that new theme park is called. I don't know how much more of it I can take. Potter Mania is taking over the world and it has a hold of each and every one of you. Fight it, people. Fight it. I know you love it, but it's not real. It's not. I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but it's not real. Take a deep breath and you'll all be ok, I promise.

Look how far we've come.

In related news, I saw "Thor" last weekend and I've decided not to date anybody who doesn't look like Thor from this point on.

I imagine that dating a man who looks like Thor would be like dating a man that looks like this.

But on second thought, and this is no joke, as I was leaving the parking lot at the theater after seeing "Thor," I actually saw a guy who looked like Thor. Long hair, scruffy beard. Not attractive at all. I wouldn't date him. Ever.

As you can guess, that pretty much ruined my night. I left the theater with such high expectations for my future dating exploits, only to have them dashed to pieces, as if by the fictional, mythical hammer of Thor himself... as if shattered by a Patronus from the wand of Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. My head ached. My brain seared with pain. It was like that lightning-bolt-shaped scar that I Sharpied onto my forehead was actually stinging as if the Dark Lord V... He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had just pranced on in to my humble abode and sat himself down for dinner. I can't take it. I can't take it and I'm just so excited for Harry POTTER!!!! AHHHHHHH!!! I am counting down the minutes, the very seconds until I get to see the last movie. That's about all I've got to say for this week, but remember - This Friday, it all ends, people. It all ends!!

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron