In this game, fire represents life. As long as you have fire, you're still in the game. When your fire is gone, so are you.
Greetings to one and all on a rainy Tuesday. What do they say? "April showers bring May flowers"? More like "April snow storms bring May showers." Unbelievable. I've got a couple things to take care of and then I'm going to bore you all to death. Topics to be discussed: More wrath of "Thor," the NBA draft lottery, the odds of dying on TRAX, and my everlasting hatred for Boston Rob. On we go!
First of all, yes, I am officially graduated. My grades came through the other day and I'm officially done now. Nobody can take it away from me now! (Maniacal laughter!)
Here's the Shoutout of the Week for Harper Anderson. I had to give him some motivation to read this Issue because he is a Loyal Subscriber and told me that he won't read if it's only about "Survivor." Enjoy it, brother.
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "Hey Aaron!
I'm so curious what you think... So, I've been hearing all this "Thor" hype for weeks, so I finally caved and went to see it tonight. I couldn't understand why all the girls seem to be madly in love with this guy. Even all my sweet, non-shallow friends just couldn't resist him. Frankly, I was a little disappointed in everyone. Well, I saw it tonight and was pleasantly surprised. My conclusion: the reason he was so attractive wasn't because he was some tough, cool guy, but because he was so genuine, kind, caring, and confident. He just seemed like an upstanding man. It's so upsetting that so many girls fall for the 'bad' guys... I know it's just a movie, but it really did make me feel better to know that a lot of girls really do like the nice, genuinely good guys. I'm so curious - What are your thoughts on this whole thing??"
- Chandra Young
A. I still haven't seen the movie, so I'm not sure exactly... but I bet it's real easy to make the girls think you're genuine, kind, caring, and (especially) confident when you've got huge, airbrushed muscles like that dude has. Slap on a little smile, flash those pearly whites, and it will melt even the least shallow of hearts. I'd just like to see somebody make a movie about some nerdy guy and see if girls go wild over him. Oh wait... "Napoleon Dynamite." This world is just confusing to me. Would girls like me better if I was huge and muscular or nerdy and pathetic? It's just so hard to tell these days.
He's got a great personality.
Q. "Dear Aaron,
You're a big NBA conspiracy theorist, yeah? What are the odds that the Jazz end up with the first pick in this summer's draft after tonight's draft lottery?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties
A. Slim to none. As in, none. The draft is rigged. It's perhaps the biggest joke out of all the NBA conspiracy theories I've ever mused over - and there are a lot of them, believe me. The Jazz have two picks in this year's lottery, with their best current position being the number six pick. Their other current position is the 12 slot. So if all goes according to the odds, that's where the Jazz will be picking. There is a slight chance that the Jazz could land the five pick, but I think that's about as high as you could see us going. The number one pick should, by all means, go to the Minnesota Timberwolves or the Cleveland Cavaliers, but you can bet your sweet bippy I'll be watching with fingers, toes, and eyes crossed, praying for a miracle.
Rigged.
Q. "You are a TRAX expert... We are headed to the U2 concert this month and would like to take TRAX. A: Do you think that it's better than braving the traffic and B: Will I get myself stabbed riding it late at night? I need to protect my baby! :)"
- Andrea Chapman
A. When I walked at graduation, we parked at the Institute building a few minutes away from Rice-Eccles Stadium and it took us almost an hour just to get out of the parking lot. There have been many times when I have driven downtown to a big event and gotten stuck in traffic trying to get back on the freeway. It's at these moments when I think to myself, "If I were on TRAX, I could have been half-way home by now!" If you hop on a Sandy-bound train from the University, it will take you about 40 minutes to get back to Sandy. If you have to take a Downtown train and transfer at the Gallivan Plaza, it only takes about 55 minutes, but you also have to stand outside waiting for seven minutes before the Sandy train comes to pick you up. I honestly don't mind TRAX that much. It takes about the same amount of time if you have to deal with traffic and it saves a lot of gas money. Also, I think that the odds of you getting stabbed on the train are much higher in the late afternoon than they are at night. Hardly anybody is on the train that late. In your case, however, with the U2 concert, I'm sure the trains will be pretty crowded... which also decreases the probability that your life will be suddenly taken whilst commuting. Thanks for the Question.
Watch out for the TRAX monkeys.
Q. "When are you going to be on 'Survivor'? Because we're all anxiously awaiting the day we can see you on our television screens wearing nothing but a skimpy speedo and a bandana!"
- The Brunsonator
A. Unfortunately for the viewers at home, that day will never come. I love "Survivor" dearly, but I refuse to apply for it, mainly because I know that one of two things would happen. Either A) I would starve to death (you know how skinny I am!) or B) I would win the whole thing. That's a risk I'm just not willing to take right now. And it's called a "buff," not a bandana, thank you very much! And thank you for helping me transition into the remainder of the Newsletter, in which I shall impart my boundless wisdom of "Survivor" to all of you. Ahem.
If any of you know anything about me at all, you'll know that I've obviously been thinking a lot about the outcome of "Survivor: Redemption Island," which came to a close this past Sunday night. Needless to say, this was not my favorite season, largely due to the presence and dominance of Boston Rob, the notorious villain (yes, villain) who returned to "Survivor" for his fourth go-around. Allow me to expound upon my laundry list of problems with the twenty-third installment of my most beloved television program:
"Survivor" host Jeff Probst noted that Boston Rob's triumphant run this season was as close to a perfect game as he had ever seen in the history of the game. First and foremost, this can be attributed to the absolute and sheer stupidity of this season's cast. This season was hyped up to be a showdown between two of the game's most dominant villains: Boston Rob vs Russell Hantz. Rob and Russell began the game on different tribes this season (as opposed to the "Heroes vs Villains" season, when Russell ousted Rob after a few short weeks of being on the Villains tribe together). Unfortunately for Russell, he was placed on the Zapatera tribe, whose members were familiar with Russell's cutthroat mentality and intentionally threw a challenge only seven days into the game in order to vote Russell out immediately. Luckily for Rob, on the other hand, he landed a spot on the Ometepe tribe, a group of dim-witted women and a few will power-deprived men that worshipped the ground he walked on. Had they never seen Rob play before? They treated him like an absolute monarch, obeying every single word he said - even to the point that they refused to eat fish because Rob claimed it was not safe to eat a fish once it had been dead for a short period of time. Their blind faith in Rob, despite blindside and back stab after blindside and back stab, allowed him to take both the weakest player in the game and the most hated person in the game all the way to the final three with him, ensuring that his two opponents were not deserving of any votes. Rob ended up earning all but one of the nine-person jury's votes.
If I played four times, I bet I'd eventually win, too.
Many would say that this is the way the game is supposed to be played - ensure for yourself that you make it all the way to the finals with the two weakest players so you are almost guaranteed every single vote on the jury. Having been placed in a similar situation once, myself, I disagree. When I ran for Band President of Alta High School in 2004, for some reason, nobody wanted to run against me. I have my theories as to who I think could have defeated me in the election, but for some reason, I was offered two flute players as sacrificial lambs. I ended up winning the election and I can almost assure you that it wasn't even close. Even the two people I ran against said that they didn't want to win the election. Of course, I could have felt confident about this. I could have felt great, knowing that I was so feared that in the end I only had to defeat two of the "weakest" opponents, so to speak. However, I wish things would have been different. I wanted competition. If I was going to win that election, I wanted to actually beat somebody! I feel like I was deprived of the opportunity of actually winning, but that, rather, the position was handed to me. I would have felt much more accomplished had I actually had to work for it. Does the fact that Rob basically had the million dollars handed to him on a silver platter change the fact that he won the game? No. But does it make him the most impressive Survivor in the history of the show? Not even! He's played the game four times! - He had better be good at it by now! Instead of saying that he played the "perfect game," I submit that he was placed in the "perfect situation" to play the game - placed on a tribe full of dummies who didn't dare make a move for fear of... well... I'm not sure what they were afraid of. It would have been interesting to see what would have happened if Russell and Rob would have been placed on the opposite tribe. My money says that Rob would have been voted out after a week just like Russell was. Luck of the draw, not skill of the competitor.
Another reason to dislike Boston Rob is how poorly he treated his so-called "friends" in the game. Yes, "Survivor" is a game. I have a small problem with people that base every decision they make in the game based on religion and revelation, as well, because it is a game and, let's be honest, God doesn't care who gets voted off next. (I do admire people who are religious, however, such as Matt, whose faith was so prominently featured this season, don't get me wrong.) As I discussed Rob's style of play with my family, my sister Amy made a good point. The reason why everyone hates Russell is because he's a complete jerk to people's faces. Rob, inversely, is all smiles to people's faces, but when he's alone and just speaking to the camera, he calls his friends "idiots," "morons," and a bunch of other words that I can't type here. Is that how you treat your friends? Amy and I agree that we'd rather just have somebody be rude to our faces so we can just know that they hate us and then we can avoid them. One of Boston Rob's casualties this season was Grant, a former NFL player who grew extremely close to Rob throughout the season before the eventual Sole Survivor knifed him before the final episode. During the live reunion show following the announcement of the Sole Survivor, most contestants have let their feuds from the show blow over. Surprisingly, Grant was still pretty upset when called upon by Mr. Probst. Grant asked Rob where he draws the line between reality and the game and Rob responded by saying that to him, it is a game and, yes, he did make real friendships in the game, but to him, it's always a game.
This is not the face of a happy man.
As an LDS missionary, I spent two years living 24 hours a day with other missionaries. The standard unit of time is called a transfer - a six-week period that missionaries spend together as companions before the next "transfer meeting," where some, but not necessarily all, companionships are switched up. "Survivor" is 39 days long, a little shorter than a missionary transfer, so I know what it's like to live with people I became close friends with in that period of time. Take Elder Rodriguez or Elder Hinde, for instance. I was with each of them for only six weeks and I developed strong friendships with both of them, similar to the relationship formed between Rob and Grant. While spending time face-to-face with Grant, Rob was usually very pleasant and kind. However, when he was alone with the camera, Rob would belittle and criticize all of his tribemates, including his "friend," Grant. During the episode where Grant was voted out, Rob was especially harsh, lying to Grant's face about who would be voted out that night and even referring to Grant with several profane nicknames. I understand why Grant would be mad as he watched the season back. If I would have found out that my friends Elders Rodriguez and Hinde were swearing at me behind my back and lying to me the entire transfer, I wouldn't have been happy, either, because those relationships were real to me. Finding out that someone I thought was my good friend actually treated me horribly and didn't care about me would be very upsetting to me. Many Boston Rob fans may disagree with me and say "it's just a game," but personal relationships are not a game. The relationships that are developed - even in the game of "Survivor" - are real, regardless of editing.
Rob hurt Grant's feelings :-(
Boston Rob is a coward and an egomaniac. In the final immunity challenge, Ashley, his (dare I say it?) toughest competition at the time, was beating Rob down the stretch. It got to the very end of the challenge where each survivor had to solve a word puzzle. In a moment of panic, Rob, who had been peeking at Ashley's puzzle the entire time, blurted, "Let's work together!" This way, though he may not have been able to win the challenge on his own, he was able to slow Ashley down and buy a bit more time for himself, as Ashley was under the impression that no matter who won the challenge, she would be taken to the final three. It was just a matter of time before Rob had won the challenge and Ashley was sent packing. Rather than face his competition head-to-head, Rob would eliminate any challenge the moment that they posed the slightest threat (i.e. taking out Matt for his friendship with Andrea which, in the end, turned out to be nothing at all). Again, many may think that this is a great strategy. I think it makes him seem like a wuss. Rob needed the spotlight all the time. He always had to be the first person across the finish line, always had to be the one to put together the final puzzle piece in a team challenge, and if anyone else showed any promise at all, he would eliminate them before he had to square off with them on his own. In the words of the immortal Ric Flair, "To be the man, you've got to beat the man." WOOOOOOO!!! In this game, Rob had no competition the entire time, not because he was the best player, but because he was placed on a tribe of weak players, headed into the merge with numbers, and never had the opportunity to prove himself in a challenge that actually meant anything. (Somebody please give me an argument telling me that beating Natalie, Ashley, and Phillip in a challenge is difficult. A 10-year-old could have beaten those three.)
Wussy boy.
This is the biggest problem I have with "Survivor" - and it's been this way for years. I think that it would be better TV if the weakest players were voted out first and the jury was composed of the best, most physical, and smartest players in the game. Sadly, as the game has developed, many players have developed the mentality that anyone who poses a threat should be taken out as soon as possible (i.e. Russell and Matt this season) and then, in many cases, the players left standing for the finale didn't even do a single thing worthy of $1,000,000 and the title of Sole Survivor. The problem with this season was that I just didn't have fun watching it, especially toward the end. There was Rob and a bunch of incompetent contestants that were as incapable of making a strategic move as they were of winning a challenge. During the last four or five episodes, you could have easily predicted who was going home that night without even having the watch the episode. It was predictable, boring, and not engaging to watch if you weren't a Boston Rob fan.
"You're late for your check-in."
To be a good survivor, I believe that you should be a student of the game. (Clearly, the Ometepe tribe knew enough to recognize Rob from past seasons, but they sure hadn't familiarized themselves with his gameplay.) My concern is that future students of the game will have watched this season, heard Jeff say that this was as close to perfection, and will pattern their game after the way that Rob played this season. Rob created what we'll call the "check-up system," where he personally made alliances with every single person on his tribe and then would have to check up on them multiple times a day to make sure that they were not talking to their other tribemates. Luckily for him, this worked, and the Ometepe castaways either trusted Rob enough not to ask questions or mention anything to anyone else or they didn't speak out of fear. Like cult members fearing punishment from their insane dictator. Hopefully this trend doesn't keep up or "Survivor" will become even more boring than the end of this season was. Nobody would be able to talk to anybody else and no big moves would ever happen because no sneaky votes would ever be able to be coordinated. Lame. Thanks, Rob, for possibly ruining my favorite show.
He looks like how I felt all season.
After 117 days on an island, one season on "The Amazing Race," and a reality TV wedding, "Boston" Rob Mariano finally got his million-dollar check from CBS. The Question that remains is this one: Will he please now just quickly and quietly disappear? Not anytime soon, by the looks of it. Rob is currently shooting a new reality show for the History Channel called "Around the World in 80 Ways." Great. I don't like the guy. He's a pompous, arrogant jerk and I've had enough of him... But where does he draw the line?
Well, enough about that guy. How about some other "Survivor" finale thoughts? What about David's on-air proposal to former contestant Carolina? AWKWARD!!! "Shut the flippin' front door" is not exactly how I'd want my girlfriend to respond to me when I proposed. At least she did him the courtesy of not saying no on live TV.
I was really hoping Phillip would have shown up at the finale as a well-spoken, clean cut businessman. Sadly, that didn't happen. He's still the same ding dong we thought he was all along. And the studio audience didn't seem to buy into the "yes, he really is a federal agent" claims.
Russell told Jeff to keep his phone number. Yes!! Russell is great. Bring him back... but wait a few seasons and let the man regroup, please.
Next season they'll be bringing back two more former castaways to play with a batch of newbies. I wonder who they'll be. It would have to be somebody good, somebody big. They can't just bring back some obscure player from 6 years ago because nobody would care. I think Ozzy would be a good player to bring back. He was dominant, but never won the whole thing. They could also bring back James, the huge Black guy, but he's already played three times, so I don't know if he'd want to. I'm sure Coach would come back. He loves the spotlight and he'd be hilarious. It will be interesting to see what happens. Other ideas they could consider for future seasons could be a season entirely composed of winners, a season of people that were the first ones voted out, and I think that doing another "Heroes vs Villains" season would be good if they brought back some of the contestants we haven't seen in a while.
I wasn't happy with the outcome of this last season of "Survivor," but I still watched every single episode, I still had a great time watching with my family, and I still got a headache at dinner last night while yelling about it. "Survivor" is the best show on television because, even when I hate the cast and despise the winner, it keeps me coming back for more and, unlike scripted shows, you never know what will happen next.
Sorry for boring most of you this week, but, like I've always said, if you don't like what I have to say, stop reading.
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
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