Signs of the Times, Issue No. 106 - 05/18/10

Wish I was stoned.

Greetings to one and all. I assure you, I'll only mention the NBA one time in this Issue. Other topics to be discussed today: The depressing state of prime time television, Evan going for gold again, the whereabouts of my future spouse, a lack of reciprocity, "The Big Ticket 2," and a strange statement from a homeless man. On we go!

So I go out of my way to create Spoilers of the Times and what happens? "LOST" is too confusing and crazy to adequately blog about, "Survivor" is over now, and "Flash Forward" is getting canceled. This is highly distressing to me.

The "Survivor" finale was a huge disappointment. I've watched all 20 seasons of the show and I think I've only been satisfied with the ending probably four or five times. I've been saying that they need to change the slogan to "Outwit, outplay, outlast, outnice" since everyone on the jury is so third-grade about everything. "I can't vote for so-and-so because they hurt my feelings." Wah wah wah... Shut up. It's a game, people. Get over it. And stop handing a million dollars to people who don't deserve it. Truly sickening. I dare anyone to debate this with me. You know I'm right. The person who played the best game has been shafted two seasons in a row.

So they're canceling "Flash Forward" and keeping "V." Really?? Have people even watched "V"? I have seen an episode or two and it's horrible. I recently found out that the Vs eat humans. Wow. "Flash Forward" was a good show, but now it's gone. There are two episodes left, I think, which have already been filmed, so that means we're probably going to end up with a cliffhanger. Ridiculous. And yet even more depressing is the thought that the shows that ABC will replace "Flash Forward" with will probably be some horrible laugh-track comedy that won't make it past its first season, either.

You've made Mark Benford very angry.

At least Anna won't have to eat you just yet.

"LOST" is out of control. This show is crazy. And I love it. Obviously, I can't say too much about it here. Check out my SpotT entry for some thought-provoking questions heading into tonight's episode.

Do you know who this man is? Because I sure as heckfire don't.

As for "Dancing with the Stars," Evan Lysacek is lighting it up. After tonight's results show, he will likely be into the finals. Yes, this is a spoiler for you peeps that haven't watched, but hey - you all want to prove my prediction wrong, so I need to talk about it here. Let's just say that my prediction of Evan winning and Nicole Scherzinger ending up in second is looking really good at this point. The judges seem to have a bias for Nicole and they are much tougher on Evan than they are with anybody else, but I think Evan's going to pull it off. He's much more likable than Nicole and more fun to watch, too. The new Mirror Ball champion will be crowned next Tuesday night and at long last, we'll know if my genius status once again proves true. I've correctly predicted three champions in a row, I'm going for my fourth consecutive winner, and I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it, baby, and I think I could go five seasons in a row, too. We'll see how it goes.

Here comes my NBA thought of the week: The Draft Lottery is tonight. The Jazz should get at least the number nine pick, if not higher. I'm guessing we'll end up ten or lower. It's rigged.

You know EFY is getting close when I'm dreaming about it two times in the last three nights. I start up in 12 more days - a week from Sunday. The way I see it, last year EFY cost me a wife and this year it owes me. It will be a far cry from my social life in Salt Lake City. Up here, I second guess myself all the time. She's probably married. She's probably not a member. But down at EFY, they're all Mormons and they can't be married. This doesn't mean they're necessarily "single," but hey - we all know what a difference three weeks of being away can make now, don't we? Things are about to look up for A-Town. It's been, oh... six months? since I've been dating anyone and nowadays, all I hear is how "busy" girls are. I'm not buying it. What are you busy with? Nothing. Sometimes I don't know why I keep trying. But then again, I think I'm largely banking on the hope that my future wife will be waiting for me in Provo.

Come to papa.

Looking... looking... Nope. No emails. No Questions. No comments. Wow. This Newsletter is really going to pot lately. Maybe I'll just stop writing it. At least four people voted for the polls this week. I'm pretty sure that one of the people who votes for the polls hates the Newsletter... which begs the question: Why do they keep reading? And why do they always vote? Hmm... Perplexing.

I saw "Iron Man 2" last week with Loyal Subscriber Suzy Petersen. I had heard both good things and bad things about the movie, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Granted, the person who didn't like "Iron Man 2" also fell asleep in "Iron Man" twice, apparently. I thought it was a good show. I wouldn't say it was better than the first one, but it was right up there. I had little-to-no expectations for the first movie since I didn't even know who Iron Man was, so I was blown away by it. This movie wasn't bad, by any means. It was pretty much what I've com to expect from a comic book movie - lots of action, lots of high tech computer stuff, and lots of explosions. Mickey Rourke did a pretty good job as the bad guy, though he's pretty hard to understand at some points in the film. Robert Downey, Jr., continues the successful resurrection of his once-sunken career. He was fantastic as Tony Stark. The movie was enjoyable, action-packed, and funny in some parts. I have a hard time getting out and spending nine bucks on movies most of the time, but this one was worth it. If you liked the first "Iron Man," you'll enjoy the second installment. I'm giving it an 8.5 out of 10 and that, my friends, is your Week in Review.

The boys and I have spent a lot of time filming and editing "The Big Ticket 2" this week. TBT2 is the highly-anticipated sequel to our 2005 mockumentary about professional wrestling. Admittedly, our acting (mostly mine) in the first movie is amateurish, at best, but in the past five years, we've gotten good. Essentially, the storyline is this: In the first "Big Ticket" documentary, Jon Davis and I are Tag Team Champions of the World. Our meteoric rise to superstardom is chronicled from our humble beginnings to our 50 billionth win. Somewhere in between, we hired a trainer named Mr. Lloyd (played by JD Lloyd). His odd, eccentric ways were too much for us to handle, so we fired him and hired a new trainer named Mick (Austin Christensen) and a manager (Scott Aylett). We went on to headline Wrestlemania with thousands of our loyal fans cheering us on, but soon thereafter, Scott won the Powerball and moved to Beverly Hills, Mick went on a "business trip" to Brazil, Jon had 17 children, and I disappeared. TBT2 picks up five years later. Mick is still in Brazil, Scott has been traveling the globe, and Jon is raising his family. They have all been inducted into the Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame. My character is still on the loose. Finally, I turn up and realize that my invitation to be inducted to the Hall has expired, due to "The Five Year Rule." The documentary then follows our struggle to reunite The Big Ticket in the Hall of Fame - but there's just one slight problem - Mr. Lloyd, our former trainer and arch-nemesis has been selected to fill a position on the Hall of Fame Board and he'll do anything in his power to stop The Big Ticket. How will it end? Find out in a week and a half when we finally - and we mean FINALLY - premiere this groundbreaking film.

Time's "Ticking" for our boys in the professional wrestling industry.

My mom saw an article online the other day that was dealt with myths about food. One of the myths was that eating candy late at night can give you nightmares. Apparently it's true. I knew it! All of you thought I was crazy for my Fruit Smiles rant last year, but I knew it was true! I'm going to have to try that again. For you new subscribers out there, basically, when I was at Snow College, I bought a box of WalMart's generic fruit snacks and had a pouch or two late one night. They were pretty dog-gone delicious, so I ended up eating the whole box and going to bed. They weren't nightmares, per se. More like the craziest dreams you could ever imagine. I liked them. I thought they were hilarious and fun. I did it on multiple occasions and it worked every time. Maybe that's what being on drugs feels like. Just... not... hazardous to my livelihood, I guess. Speaking of which, here's my last topic.

I was getting a ride home with my brother and sister-in-law the other day and we saw something I've never seen before in my life - a homeless man. Well, I mean, I've seen lots of homeless people, obviously, but he was holding up a couple cardboard signs. One of them said something along the lines of "Just passing through. In need of a buck or two." That's not too unusual for a homeless chap. But the other one said "Wish I was stoned." We all had to rub our eyes a little bit. If you're going to come right out and say it, I guess that's one way of doing it. I don't think I've ever seen somebody be so blunt about it, though. The thought we all had was, "Where did you get the Sharpie?" Really, peeps, a sign like that isn't going to get you very far in this state. Just another Sign of the Times...

You would.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to my sister Amy, since my relatives are the only people who read my Newsletters anymore. I'll keep writing it for you. Don't give up on me. It's time for our weekly "LOST" party. I provide the gummy bears and Amy provides the mint Oreos. See you there, sister.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron