Your headband is crooked.
Greetings to one and all. This is "Signs of the Times" and if you don't like it, don't read it. Topics to be discussed today: A huge change in Tuesday punctuation, the new ride, getting laid out in front of thousands of spectators, a friendly reminder that "The deer hit me!", another reason why I think the NBA is rigged, 32 pearly white reasons to floss daily, the wrong way to wear a headband, and the hero of the entire world. On we go!
All right, before we get started, I've got something I have to do. I'm a little OCD with somethings. Crooked pictures bother me. Odd numbers bother me. The volume level in cars and on TVs bother me. Incorrect grammar and punctuation both bother me. You have undoubtedly noticed that I strive to capitalize any forms of the words "Signs," "Times," "Feel" or "Feeling," "Good," "About," "Question," and (obviously) "Tuesday" in the Newsletter. There are also several other parts of the Newsletter that I am particular About. I will continue to capitalize the words "Newsletter" and "Issue" and several other words (insomuch as they refers to "Signs of the Times"), but I am hereby rescinding my addiction to awkward capitalization because it's a pain and it's annoying. Thank you.
The rumors are true - A-Town's got a new set of wheels. Yesterday, I purchased a 2002 Saturn SC2, a nifty little sports car. Pictures will be posted on Facebook and on the blog site if you're interested. The car was more expensive than I was hoping, but at this point, I needed a car and had to pull the trigger at some point. I like the car so far. It's really low to the ground, compared to all the other cars I've ever driven, and that will take a little getting used to. The sunroof is a nice addition and the stereo is a lot better than any of the other cars I've had, so that's nice. The car, which I shall tentatively call "Junior," is sitting in the driveway as we speak and it's raring for a drive, so if you want to take a spin, let me know.
A-Town is riding in style once again.
For those of you who hate when I talk about (lower case "a") sports, I suggest you stop reading now. Last night, a fan at a Philadelphia Phillies game ran onto the field in between the eighth and ninth inning. After running from left field to center field for approximately a minute, a police officer shot the 17-year-old young man with a Taser gun, laying him out in front of tens of thousands of fans. This has led to outrage throughout the sports nation, but this prompts the question, "Have you, Aaron, ever been Tased?" The answer, of course, is yes. Yes I have. In fact, sometimes I get so excited on Tuesdays that I have to Tase myself.
They had to stop him somehow...
Before laying a giant egg in the first round of the NBA playoffs, the Milwaukee Bucks had gained quite a following as one of the top underdogs in the league. Their slogan, "Fear the Deer," has become a popular phrase recently, prompting many fans to attend games dressed in hunting attire, etc. However, according to a video I saw online on Yahoo! this morning, "Fear the Deer" can now be taken literally. During game seven of the Atlanta-Milwaukee series, two deer busted through the glass doors of a Wisconsin ale house. This, of course, prompts the question, "Have you, Aaron, ever been rammed by a deer?" .................Hahahaha...
The deer hit me... but not exactly like this.
And now to the topic everybody wants to discuss. Jazz-Lakers. I hate the Lakers more than any other team in the NBA. They have eliminated the Jazz from the playoffs two years in a row, so this was not something I was looking forward to. The Lakers are the Yankees of basketball. Because of their large market and billions of dollars, the Lakers have essentially been able to buy themselves a team of all-stars. Pao Gasol is the biggest example of this. Gasol joined Los Angeles a couple years ago after basically stealing him from Memphis in a trade for Kwame Brown, Javaris "Bang Bang" Crittendon, Aaron McKie, and the rights to Pao's younger brother Marc. That sounds like a lot, but none of those players are any good at all, so it was a terribly one-sided, unfair trade. The media is unbelievably biased in LA's favor, which was apparent when watching Sunday afternoon's game. The commentators hardly said anything good about the Jazz, mainly attributing Utah's five-point lead in the final minutes of the game to LA's inability to put us away. Utah's strengths were all the Lakers' weaknesses. ABC's broadcast team constantly suggested that the Lakers should rest their center, Andrew Bynum, for the entire series - at one point quoting an LA columnist who referred to this series as "an intermission." Give the Jazz some credit, please!
Wrong kind of Jazz.
And now for my conspiracy theory of the week. Just like last year, I believe that the NBA is pulling for a Kobe-LeBron matchup in the finals. It's good for ratings, it's good for merchandise sales. But how on Earth does CJ Miles foul Kobe Bryant from the seat of his pants?!? The refs took over game one and handed it to the Lakers. I'm honestly shocked that hung in there so tight against the Lakers in LA, a place where they notoriously get a lot of calls. I was in church at the time the game started, so I watched it late. The bummer about watching games delayed is that I had a pretty good idea that we didn't win, based on the lack of phone calls and texts messages I was receiving when the game was over in real time. I thought maybe we could pull it off, though. After all, we were ahead with under five minutes to play. We started taking the ball to the rack in those final five minutes, but, according to my ESPN.com/NBA Twitter peeps, we only shot four free throws in those final five minutes. Boozer, Millsap, Fesenko, and Koufos put up a total of 38 shots during the game, but went to the charity stripe a whopping total of ZERO TIMES. That's either remarkably incredible defense by the Lakers or there were a ton of fouls that weren't called. Sickening. The NBA is rigged. Hopefully we can steal game two tonight and head back home tied, 1-1. I'll be in attendance at Saturday night's game. This will be my first playoff game ever, so I'm really excited about it. I think that we have the best chance of winning game three out of all the games. We'll have a lot of energy at home and I think if there is only one game we can win against these guys, it will be game three. I'll have pictures and an update on the series (which may or may not be over at that point) next Tuesday.
What game are these guys watching??
We'd like to welcome back all of our readers that hate sports. Thank you for joining us. I'd like to inform you all that I have flossed my teeth for 16 consecutive nights. Yes, it's quite the accomplishment. With the recent, hideous chipping of one of my prominent front teeth, I've determined to take matters into my own hands and do whatever it takes to prevent future dental mishaps. How have I remembered to floss so many nights? It's easy, actually. I have taken my floss and put it on the counter right next to my contact solution so I am forced to look at it every time I'm getting ready for bed. It only takes a couple minutes and it makes you feel fantastic once you're done. I'd encourage everyone to floss. In fact, one day I even flossed twice because it felt so good. My mouth is the proverbial money maker, so I've got to take care of it and flossing is the way to go, people.
"Avatar." The peeps love it. "Avatar" on BluRay. These peeps is crazy. I've seen a couple minutes of BluRay movies while at Best Buy and it's weird. I saw part of "U-571" a while ago and I recently walked into the store to a giant "Avatar" display last week. I was confused, though. I didn't know if it was "Avatar" the movie or "Avatar" the video game. It ended up being "Avatar" on BluRay, but it's weird! It just looks like a really good Playstation game or something. "U-571" looked like people in front of a green screen. I think maybe my eyes just aren't adapting to the higher definition or something, but I'm not a fan of the BluRay business. I'm not a fan of movies in 3-D, either. I say you either go all Disneyland on me and make it look like an asteroid is about to hit me in the face or you just keep movies in 2-D. Movies in 3-D look like those pop-up books you used to read as a child. A couple things stick out to you and everything else is blurry and flat. What is the point? And why am I paying an extra $2.50 to watch? I say it's The Boo Box for all this futuristic crap. I don't like it. Join me, if you will. Everybody together now -BOOOOOO!!
"Maybe if you shoot hard enough, you can kill the author of this Newsletter."
Here's another thing to complain about. "LOST." What is their deal? They've got like four weeks left and I still want more answers, so what do they do? Show a rerun?? Are you kidding me? That's P.M.U. I wanted a new episode. Why are they doing this? They should have either A) made another new episode to fit in there last week or B) moved the finale up seven days. What is the point of this? What a waste.
"She's not even hot. I hope the writers kill her off next."
And finally, I think I better throw in something positive or else you crazy peeps out there are going to think that I have depression again... in the sense that you're incorrectly thinking I have had depression on multiple occasions. Let's talk headbands, shall we. I am the innovator of the headband. I came up with it. I was the first person to ever wear a headband. Actually, scratch that. That would either be Rambo or Christian Laettner back when he played for Minnesota. My mom nicknamed him "The Princess." But now everybody's wearing headbands and it offends me. Did you see the Cavs-Celtics game last night? Probably not, since you all hate sports. But I definitely saw an upside-down headband. How do I know this? Because the NBA logo was upside-down, obviously. I have an NBA logo on my A-Town headband and it always goes in the same (correct) spot. Centered above the nose, in between the eyebrows, and right-side up. Not like Ty Lawson from the Nuggets who wears his sideways or Paul Pierce, who can often be seen wearing his crooked or backwards. Come on, fools. But anyway, here's the point I'm trying to make. Kobe Bryant recently did a photo shoot for... who knows what??... and in one picture, he's wearing a headband underneath a... like... safari/Indiana Jones hat... ?!? It's hilarious. Hilarious, as in he looks like a buffoon with too much make up on. Check it out.
"My name is Kobe and I'm a fool."
The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to......... ME! Why, you ask? Well... first of all, because I've never given myself a Shoutout and secondly, because of this: http://en.tackfilm.se/?id=1272694415268RA34 It's shocking. You seriously won't believe it.
My first ever Shoutout!!
That's about it for this week. Have a good one, fellas. Come say hi and I'll take you for a ride in my car. And... GO JAZZ!!
Until next Time,
Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.
Aaron
No comments:
Post a Comment