Signs of the Times, Issue No. 103 - 04/27/10

And they thought they'd seen the last of that star-spangled headband...

Greetings to one and all. This is Aaron coming to you live on another wonderful Tuesday. There is, indeed, much to talk About today. Topics to be discussed in this Issue: Unexpected controversy, the Jazz's miraculous success, the one thing more rigged than the NBA draft, why "Survivor" still rules, why not to buy "Avatar," the end of the school year, yearbook day, another movie to cross off the list, and the re-emergence of radio's biggest villain. On we go!

Words cannot express the Feeling of gratitude that I get when people quote my Newsletter in their Facebook status updates. It has happened more than once by more than one reader. I'd like to think that most "SotT" references that I've seen have come in a positive light, but apparently last week's commentary on the NBA playoffs were a little bit more controversial than I intended them to be. Uh... I don't know what you people expect me to say... Because if you expect me to retract my statement, y'all know that's not gonna happen. Essentially, what I said was that when Mehmet Okur ruptured his Achilles tendon in game one against Denver (which we ended up losing by 13), I was ready to throw in the towel. Keep in mind that this was written in past tense after our big road win in game two. Never did I say that I had given up on the Jazz or that I was going to start cheering for Denver, but "honest Jazz fans," to quote Mr. Scott Aylett, recognized that things were looking pretty bleak at that point. We were missing two of our best four players from our starting lineup and we were facing a healthier, seemingly better team. (Why else were people so worried About being the five seed and facing Denver? Nobody wanted that matchup two weeks ago.) If you weren't thinking Nuggets in four or five at that point, well... Let's put it this way - I wouldn't expect any team in the NBA to win three playoff games in a row without two of their best players. So judge me if you must, but I don't believe these comments warranted an outing on Facebook... Because it really hurts my Feelings when people mock me on Facebook. It's devastating. (Sarcasm.) So do I Feel the need to apologize to Jazz fans? No. Especially not Jazz fans that thought we were going to win game four 124-75. Come on, people. Let's be honest and take it one step at a Time. I'm not telling you not to have faith in your team. I'm just telling you not to be dumb About it. One step at a Time...

The Ghost of Larry Miller made an appearance last weekend...

On a lighter note, the Jazz are up 3-1 and this series is over. Only eight teams have ever come back from a 3-1 deficit in a playoff series in the history of the NBA and if you think Denver is going to come back and beat us, you obviously haven't been watching. It's not necessarily that the Jazz are invincible - don't get me wrong, they're playing surprisingly well, all injuries considered - but the Nuggets look like they've given up. They don't respect their coach, as evidenced by Carmelo Anthony and Chris Andersen on Sunday night, and at least two broadcast teams have referred to Denver's squad as an "asylum." They don't like to pass, they're not big on defense, and the only Time Carmelo smiles now is after he picks up his third offensive foul of the game. Their "this isn't a must-win" attitude is not a particularly attractive strategy, either. Things are not looking Good for them right now. So let's all pray that Kevin Durant can beat the Lakers and then hope that the magic runs out by the Time the second rounds starts. Either way honest Jazz fans look at it, though, the second round is going to be tough. I can see the Jazz beating the Thunder, which is the less-likely scenario, but I wouldn't be too thrilled if we had to start the next series playing in Los Angeles. You can quote me on that.

To wrap up our sports coverage that I know you all love, the bonehead news of the week is that the NCAA is expanding their tournament bracket. There were rumors that the now-65-team bracket would be expanded to as many as 96 teams, which I thought was a little ridiculous (32 teams would have a bye in the first round). The verdict is in and the bracket will be expanded to a new 68-team format. What is the point of that? Somebody please tell me. Four play-in games before the tournament starts? So what?

The Boo Box. I know you're all sick of me whining About my NBA conspiracy theories, but it's not like I'm going to stop. I still think it's rigged. It may surprise you to hear that I've found something even more rigged than the Association - computer solitaire. On some nights when I'm really bored, I sit down and take a crack at the popular virtual card game. I swear to you, it's rigged. In the last week, I played probably 20 games and I can only remember winning once. Here are my statistics: I've played 111 games on my laptop. I've only won 12. That's a win percentage of less than 10. My longest winning streak is one. My longest losing streak is 36. My current streak is -11. It's depressing. Especially when the cards are dealt and you have all reds or all blacks or like a couple twos and threes, but no aces. There are some games where I've lost in 30 seconds. You blink, click a couple Times, and it's over. It sickens me. It seems like the aces are always at the bottom of the biggest piles and I can never get to them. I don't know who makes that stupid game, but I'd like to have a word with them. Everybody together now -BOOOOOO!!

Seriously, you can't win at this game.

"Survivor" is the greatest show on television. If you've been watching the last couple weeks, you know what I'm saying. I didn't even like what happened at the end of the last episode, but I'll admit: What a move! I'm not sure how the rest of the game is going to go down. Obviously, we've got a pretty Good idea of who will come out on top, but I've seen crazier things - like last season, for instance, when the group of three (Russell, Mick, Natalie) outlasted eight other people after the merge. Stay tuned, folks, and we'll see what happens.

I had a bad experience last week. I had to go buy some plates and napkins at WalMart. I consequently ended up buying a ton of junk food, which was not only non-nutritious, but highly delicious. I was there for maybe 20 minutes or something and then I was ready to go, so I started heading to my beloved self-checkout lines. Let me just say this - if you don't know how to use the self-checkout machines, don't. Unbelievable, people. So then I reluctantly headed down to the "speedy checkout" aisles which were, needless to say, not speedy in the slightest. It was all those fools buying "Avatar" that were slowing my lines down. "Take me to Pandora! Take me to Pandora! Oh, Jake Sully is so hot!" Holy crap, people. Just pay for your stuff and get out of there. You're making my ice cream melt. It was like cheap, generic, WalMart soup.

"It's ok, I'm pretty sure he was being sarcastic when he made fun of us."

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "Dear Aaron,

Why haven't we heard many stories About your second semester at the U?"

Just Curious,

- The Junior Mounties

A. Wow! I can't believe somebody actually sent me a Question. (SALUTE!) Well, obviously, there just haven't been so many controversial things that have happened to me this semester. No movies About African-American, homosexual, transvestite beauty queens in the Bronx this semester, sadly, though I have seen my teacher, Nick, a couple Times on campus. He's still wearing those tight pants and his fedora. In other news, I almost got into a brawl in my Media and Pop Culture class the other day, but there were like 20 of them and it was just me and a girl, so I didn't want to force her to watch me waste anybody and I decided not to do it. I'm pretty much a master swing dancer now, but I bet none of you believe me. It's true. It's dang true. You should see me shake-shake-shake it on the dance-dance floor. I hated my business class, especially considering that I chose to take that course as an elective. I don't know. It just really hasn't been that interesting of a semester for me. Today was my last day of classes, which is crazy. It went by really fast - and by the looks of it, I'm on track to graduate in December of this year, so Time is just flying by. I apologize for my lack of funny stories this semester, but hey - it's almost summer, which means it's almost EFY. And you know what that means, don't you? More stories of stomping on some kid's hand as he pokes it out from under his door at 11:30 at night.

Q. "Dear Aaron,

Why don't they do yearbook day in college?"

Love,

- The Fan Club.

A. Good to hear from you guys again. It's been a while. As of right now, I am finished with my class attendance for the 2009-2010 school year. I mean this in the sense that I still have an essay to write and a final to take, but that's easy. I'm done with actually going to class, though, which is kind of weird to me. Essentially, my year is over, but it doesn't Feel like it. It's just... done. There is a real lack of closure for me today. The only words of advice I received from any of my professors were to "have a nice life." And that's it. No teary-eyed farewells from my classmates, just a slightly awkward "have a fun summer" and that's it. Bring back yearbook day! Yearbook day was great. It was an opportunity to finally tell the girl you had a crush on the whole year that you liked her because then you wouldn't have to be embarrassed every Time she came near you. Not for three months, anyway. My favorite thing was how, all of the sudden, everyone magically loved you. "Let's hang out this summer!" "I'm going to miss you this summer! xoxo" "Aaron, you're the coolest!" People were so nice back then... So this begs the Question, what would people say to me if I had a yearbook today? Hmm... probably something along the lines of "You're a creep. Don't ever sit by me in class again." Maybe a couple, "I'm glad I turned you down for so many dates," "Thanks for not talking to me this semester. I mean it. Like, really," and "Wow, our teacher wore some really tight pants. Do you think he was gay?" What would I write? "I hope you had fun listening to your iPod this semester." "Just because I'm Mormon doesn't mean we can't be friends... Don't be a stranger." And uh... "Sorry for being so creepy. You're just really hot. I had no idea you were married." And that, my friends, is why they don't have yearbook day in college. Two words: Restraining order.

"H.A.G.S., you pervert!"

The Week in Review is brought to you this week by Mr. T, who reminds you, as always to "be somebody... or be somebody's fool." This week, I saw the movie "Date Night" with Steve Carell and Tina Fey. Seemed like a good one. Well... Don't go see it. Yes, there were some funny parts - even some parts that me laugh out loud. But it also provided enough p-words and v-words to last me a Good, long while. And *#$^, they even threw in an f-bomb just for fun. It was two hours of the same jokes over and over and I eventually started to Question whether that topic was the only thing on the green Earth that they found humorous. I was let down by the movie, which I thought had a lot of potential. I'd give it a rating of 3.5 out of 10. If you want to laugh, watch the previews. That's really all you're missing.

Hopefully either Kate or Claire is killed off on tonight's "LOST." There are only four or five episodes left and two things are lacking: 1) Not enough answers and 2) Not enough people getting killed off. It's disappointing.

One more positive note for today: Today marks the official return of the man they call "A-Town." Yes, it's true. A-Town is returning to the airwaves this fall, this Time on a much bigger scale. After several interviews with current associates of K-UTE radio at the University, I have been named the Program Director for the 2010-2011 school year. This is the same job I had down at Snow, so I'll kind of know what I'm doing, but it's the beginning of a new adventure. Sadly, the KAGE Match is no more, so I'll have to think of some new ideas and get some more material for my show coming up this fall. Luckily, I've got a couple months to brainstorm. I'm open to ideas and feedback, unless they're really dumb or involve me ditching my headband. I love that headband, Mom. You don't understand.

Next fall, A-Town will break down the cultural barrier at the U.

Finally, the Shoutout of the Week goes to Suzy Petersen, a long-Time Subscriber. Suzy is fantastic. And if it wasn't for her, I never would have got my starring role in the "Twilight" movies. So really, Suzy, it's all thanks to you.

That's About it for this Issue. On behalf of everyone here at "Signs of the Times," this is A-Town reminding you to H.A.G.S. xoxoxo

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron