Signs of the Times, Issue No. 81 - 11/24/09

"My pick to win it all this season is Donny Osmond." - Signs of the Times, Issue No. 71 - 09/15/09


Greetings to one and all. For "Signs of the Times," this is Aaron Christensen reporting. Topics to be discussed today: the birthday recap, reaching genius status, bringing home the gold, bitter hypocrisy, and the gayest Boo Box of all Time. On we go!


Well, the birthday ended up being a good day. We inadvertently had to babysit a couple little cousins that day, which was a little weird, but by the end of the night, we were finally able to eat dinner, have a little party, and watch some "Survivor." Let me tell you, people, that is quality television right there - perhaps even the best season yet. It's seriously really good. I Feel bad for you if you're not watching. Thank you to the 60-plus Facebook friends who took time to wish me a happy birthday. I'm pretty sure I took Time to write back to all of you. If I left you out, I'm a jerk and I'm sorry. So yes. Now I'm 23. I never imagined it would Feel so much like being 22.


The big news of the night tonight will happen around 8:45 or so, I imagine. Tonight is the season finale for "Dancing with the Stars." Let's go back. Way back. You remember last year when I predicted that Brook Burke would win, don't you? Go check Issue No. 22. And then last season I correctly prognosticated Shawn Johnson's victory, did I not? See Issue No. 46. This season, I've spent some quality time on the couch with my mother watching this show, which I kind of can't believe I've done, but hey, I've got a lot riding on these predictions. I don't want to look like a fool, you know? Think back to Issue No. 71 when I said Donny Osmond would win this Time around. Well guess what? The final round aired last night and Donald got a perfect score on his last dance. He's up against Mya, who nobody remembers from the '90s, and Kelly Osbourne, who isn't a good dancer. Donny performed really consistently throughout the entire season and is a definite ladies man. Though Mya has arguably been the best dancer of the season, I've still got a Feeling that Donny will take home the Mirror Ball Trophy tonight, proving me a genius and bringing Utah its second championship in three days. Speaking of which...

The big 2-3.

Let's give a huge Shoutout of the Week to my homeboys with Real Salt Lake, MLS champions of the world. I'll be honest, unlike many of the bandwagon jumpers out there - I'm not a huge fan of soccer and I honestly was under the impression the RSL was a really crappy, crappy team. I suppose they were, as they are the first team in the history of professional sports to win a championship after having a sub-.500 record in the regular season. That's really something. However, I've kind of sort of followed the team during the playoffs and my family and I watched the game on Sunday night versus the LA Galaxy of stars. The game was intense and had us on the edge of our seats an awful lot and I'm extremely pleased with the outcome. RSL outplayed the Galaxy throughout the game and definitely deserved the win. So on behalf of everyone here at "Signs of the Times," congratulations, Real Salt Lake, on winning the first major professional championship in Utah. (Editor's note: No, I don't count the ABA's Utah Stars that won in 1971, so don't email me about it.)

Utah's first Real championship.

Did everyone enjoy last week's blog pictures? If you didn't see it, you missed out, certainly. I did a Google Image Search for the topics in the Newsletter and then somewhat randomly selected a picture from the first page of results. Blog site poll results indicate that at least six other people liked the idea, but I'm all about feedback. Did you like it? Did you care? Did you not even look? Do you hate "Signs of the Times?" You can't fix what ain't broken, so if you don't say anything, I ain't gonna fix it.


I have recently been called "bitter" and a "hypocrite" concerning a couple status updates about "Twilight" that I posted on Facebook last week. Bitter? Hyocritical? I don't necessarily see where you're coming from. Am I jealous of Edmund, that sissy little Dracula? No. Do I find him threatening? No, not personally. But I do see the "Twilight" saga posing a threat to the morality of young girls and married women. To justify these claims, I sent a spy to "New Moon" last Friday night. Thankfully, she didn't have to pay to watch it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you The Two-Minute Instant Message. I'm in red and my sister Amy is in green. Again, I apologize to the colorblind Subscribers out there. Hopefully I offend somebody with this segment. If I don't, I'm not doing my job. Ahem.

Welcome, Amy, to the Two-Minute Instant Message. You're no stranger to this segment, of course.

No, I'm not.

Fantastic. Well, the topic I'd like to discuss today is the fact that I sent you as a spy to that cult classic, "New Moon."

All right. Sounds Good.

Tell me... on a scale of one to 10, how ridiculous were the "Twilight" fans?

13. They were ridiculous. The fans, including my friend I took with me, would scream every time Jacob came on screen.

I thought everybody liked Edward.

Well, Jacob is much better looking than Edward and he's not a creeper.

Isn't he a descendant of Sitting Bull, or something like that?

Um, I'm not sure. I haven't read those books since like 9th grade.

You must have skipped that chapter

I guess so.

So tell me something you observed about "Twilight" in general as you spied on all those obsessed lunatics.

Well, these "Twilight" addicts are blurring these books and reality. In digital photography the day of the movie came out, a girl sitting next to me went to the midnight premiere and she was telling me "how bad she wanted Jacob."

Like... how bad she wants him to kill Edward? ...Or what's her deal? I'm not sure I follow her...
...(Do you really want me to answer that??)...
Just kidding... Tell us what everyone is dying to know - how does the movie end?

I'm not going to be that annoying person who tells everyone how the movie ends, whether that person was going to go see the movie or not.

Well I'll tell them, then. Jacob is gay. Thanks for spending Two Minutes with me, sister. Any final words?

"New Moon" was better than "Twilight," quality wise, but it isn't better than Harry Potter.

Harry Potter for life.

You know you want him.

Now, I was thinking about putting FM radio in The Boo Box this week for the absurd amount of pre-Thanksgiving Christmas music I've heard since Halloween, but NO! I've got something worse - Adam Lambert. The man is an absolute freak. And that's not the Good kind of freak, either. His recent performance at theAmerican Music Awards not only shocked me, but repulsed me beyond belief. It is easily one of the most graphic displays deemed "appropriate" for public television I've ever seen. I'm not going to go into detail about what he did, but Lambert told reporters that he didn't mean any harm.  "People are scared and it's really sad, I just wish people could open their minds up and enjoy things, it's all for a laugh, it's really not that big of a deal," he said. Well, 1,500 complaints filed to ABC in the last two days certainly can't be wrong. This is not the kind of "entertainment" that I'm interested in seeing. I'll warn you, don't watch the Adam Lambert video. Don't buy his music. This is scary, scary stuff and "Signs of the Times" condemns filth like this. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

Moms everywhere are furious.

**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "Hey A-Town,

You're a genius! Give us another prediction!"

Love,

The Fan Club

A. Thanks, guys. Another prediction, huh? Well, there's a little Thanksgiving tradition coming up on Thursday called the Madden Bowl. This tradition goes back, back, back to 1997 when Austin and I sat down with Madden 64 that Thanksgiving morn. Every year since, the yearly battle has been waged on the virtual gridiron. My track record has been, well, somewhat pathetic: 1-8 versus Austin and 1-0 versus Cody. This year I'll face off against Cody again and I predict pain. I predict suffering. And I predict that the New Orleans Saints will defeat the Indianapolis Colts and that I will reign triumphant in the final pseudo-Madden Bowl before Austin comes home. It will be close and it will be high scoring. I'll say the score will be 75-70, Saints. Cody predicts 50-43, Colts. I'll report back next week.

The real, live Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week and coincidentally the free agent acquisition of the week is Ricky Williams, who was nabbed by "Wicknasty" after Miami Dolphin RB Ronnie Brown went down for the season with a leg injury. The injury came as a major blow to my "Pocket Protectors," as I lost my second best RB, next to Adrian Peterson. "Wicknasty" put in another league-leading week with 262.14 total points, 34.80 of which came from Williams. Ricky ran for 119 yards and 2 TD with another TD on the receiving end. Good pick up. Good pick up... The race for the fantasy crown is shaping up to be much closer than I thought. I'm still in the lead, but the top three squads are within 59 points of each other. The top five teams are only separated by 203 points. And then there's Duke, who hasn't updated his team in a month.

He was cooler with long hair.

That's about it for this week. And think - I didn't even mention the BYU/Utah game this Saturday. I'll just say this really quickly - Max Hall, meet Robert Johnson.
"Utah by five." I think I'm going to dress up like a Pilgrim.

A Sign of things to come...

Until next Time,

IT'S MY MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW!!

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron