Signs of the Times, Issue No. 79 - 11/10/09

Sometimes I wonder how girls can fit into pants that tight...

Greetings to one and all from Sandy, Utah. Never in my life have I been so thankful to live in my little bubble, devoid of homosexual African-American transvestites. Believe me. I had to watch a documentary about it in Comm and Gender today. Out of control. Way out of control. But we're not talking about that today. No, no. The topics we will be discussing are: The legend of Craig T., crimes against fashion, how to spot a Democrat, the Draper Spaceport, a drunk floozy, and a Boo Box candidate that's worse than a double karate chop to the throat. On we go!

First and foremost, let's get the untimeliness out of the way. Yes, Halloween is over. But my family had rented "Poltergeist," that classic scary movie a couple weeks ago and still needed to watch it before returning it. Amy and Cody had both never seen the movie before, so I made sure I was there to get their reactions. Let's keep in mind that the movie was made in like 1984 or something and the computer animation is pretty laughable in this day and age. It's still a pretty creepy show, though. Nevertheless, Amy, my parents, and I spent a large portion of the movie laughing. Cody was pretty freaked out by it though. We kept trying to explain to him that the movie isn't even really that scary, but to no avail. One of the reasons why I have subjected myself to the film - and written about it in my Newsletter - twice in the last 12 months is because of one man - Craig T. Nelson.

I think that a lot of you still probably don't understand my fascination with Craig T. But if you've seen "Poltergeist" or read about my little fling with "The District" back in 2005, it is obligatory that you respect the man. He stands for all that is good in this nation: freedom, power, democracy, and good looks with old age. I assume that some of you still doubt Mr. Nelson, so I will now provide you with a short list of quotes from "Poltergeist" that demonstrate his innate acting ability.

"I asked for the Ghostbusters, not Lando Calrissian!"

"I am the wind and you are the feather."

"No! No, I'll do it! I'll check the kitchen, you check your room!"

"I've looked everywhere. This, this is crazy!"

"It may be a poltergeist haunting instead of a classic intrusion. (Old lady)" "There's a difference? (Craig T.)"

"I just read 'Popular Mechanics,' I have hobbies..."

"Answer her, Steven! (wife)" "I am. (Craig T. with hands clasped in prayer... he waits...) What's the matter? I was trying to answer her with my mind and she couldn't hear me!"

"Carol Ann, it's Daddy... Carol Ann?! You answer your parents or you're gonna get a real spanking from both of us!"

"You know Teague - won't take 'go to [heck]' for an answer... (Craig T.)" "What are you gonna do? (wife)" "I'm gonna give him directions. (Craig T.)"

and finally,

"That thing almost killed me! (after tripping on a tricycle)"

"'The District' got cancelled??"

Who could forget that classic line about moving the cemetery but not moving the bodies, either? Dang. Craig T. Nelson is an American icon.

Here's a little known fact for you. I'm a Fashion Cop. That means I get to blow the whistle on people who commit crimes against fashion. Let me tell you a little story about two crimes against fashion that I've seen in the last two weeks. And one of them is facing multiple charges. First, I saw a girl who was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, kind of like a sweater, almost. That's not the crime. She was also wearing a watch. That's not the atrocity, either. The crime is that she was wearing the watch outside/on top of the sleeve! The second crime (and multiple young women have been caught in the act) would be wearing socks longer than your knee-high leather boots. I'm a Fashion Cop and I'm blowing the whistle.

Blow that whistle.

While we're on the subject of fashion, have you ever noticed that whenever you see somebody that "has it goin' on," they're always a Democrat? Take, for instance, the times that I see an old colleague, Daniel Smart, on campus up at the U. He's always wearing a button-up green shirt with slacks and leather shoes. When was the last time you saw a Republican in leather shoes? Never. He's also got a leather messenger bag and he reads the Salt Lake Tribune. That's got Democrat written all over it. He also spikes his hair further up than I do - and Heaven knows that's quite the accomplishment. How about Federico Rodriguez? The guy's got an afro and was the only other high school student outside of The Big Ticket that I ever saw wearing a wrestling belt at Alta. Democrat. Dave-Train Cazier? Democrat. Jacob Thomas? Democrat. Apparently I missed the cool bus when I voted for McCain last year.

"I never claimed to be hip."

The long-awaited Draper Spaceport video is available on Facebook. I've talked about it for years. I have always been a believer that the Draper Library was not actually a library, but a secret spaceport for extragalactic travel. Nobody ever believed me until now. I've got video evidence. Befriend me on Facebook if you haven't already and check out my newest video, "Video Exploits #9: The Draper Spaceport."

11/10/09 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Blast off.

Speaking of the blog site, I've gone through every single Issue of "Signs of the Times" and counted up all the tags. Tags are basically things that bloggers add to their posts to let readers know what they blogged about. Tags are also helpful because they can help you look up, for example, each of the six Times I wrote about March Madness in my Newsletter. If you want to go back and read all of the Two-Minute Instant Messages, click on the corresponding tag. So simple. So simple. Now, if you go to the blog site and scroll all the way down to the bottom, you can look at all of the Top Tags for the Newsletter, in order of their frequency. The leading mentions include the Junior Mounties (currently 51 tagged Issues), The Boo Box (35 mentions), Fantasy Football (24), and "City Council" w/ A-Town (23). Pretty interesting stuff, if you dare call yourself a Loyal A-Towner.

As recommended by Mr. Jon Davis, here is this week's victim of The Boo Box. Thus spake Jon:

"Dear Aaron,
I found you a good Boo Box candidate. http://www.espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4628040 SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THAT GIRL?!?

Have a Nice Day."

Playing hair stylist with the New Mexico Lobos.

Yeah, Jon, I'd have to agree. I saw this story when it was hot off the press and was first talked about on Sportscenter last Friday morning. It has obviously become quite the conversation piece, as it has been brought up in Institutes, Seminaries, universities across the state (and undoubtedly the nation), and pretty much everybody who is anybody has heard about this story. It's had millions of hits (no pun intended) on YouTube and Elizabeth Lambert has made herself the villain of women's sports. I received a Question from a Loyal Subscriber about this topic as well, so we'll just kill two birds with one stone. In response to said Question, do I think she's on steroids? Oh yeah. No question about it. I've only seen one other girls' soccer player that could fight like that. She went to high school with me and scared me to death. Pretty sure she was on the juice, too. But really, there is no place for this in any level of sporting, be it collegiate or otherwise, male, female, or both. (ZING!) Like ESPN inquired, where are the officials? How did she not get kicked out of this game? How could this kind of behavior be tolerated? I'm glad to hear that New Mexico suspended Lambert indefinitely (as in... forever). They'd be insane to take her back. Lambert was a horrible example and a poor role model. I saw just today another clip where a high school girls soccer state championship game (*pants for breath after that sentence*) ended in a fight. The fight ensued into the stadium, as well, with fans joining in. This is ridiculous and needs to be stopped. Sadly, I could expect this kind of behavior from men, but to see it in college and high school soccer for girls is, as they say, just another Sign of the Times. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!

While in attendance at the University of Utah football game on Saturday, I had an interesting experience. During the second half, we moved into another section to get a better view of the replay board, among other things. We went to an area where no one was sitting, as not to steal someone's seat. We apparently picked the wrong row, for mere minutes after we sat down, a girl two rows in front of me got up, turned around, and attempted to climb up to the next row so she could leave the section. She stumbled, misplacing her foot and as she tried to step up, she fell forward, hitting me in the knee and landing in the row in front of us. "You [bleeping bleeper]!" she exclaimed. Whether to me or to her friend who didn't prevent her fall, I'm still uncertain. She got up and headed to the right, making her way for the stairs. I looked over a few minutes later, only to see her sitting in the aisle with several people crowded around her, looking bewildered. She must have tripped over there, too. She made her way back to her seat with the assistance of her friends, but as she got there, she collapsed yet again. The woman had obviously had too much to drink. As her female friend tried to hold up the lifeless body, she fell back into the row directly in front of us with her drunk friend landing right on top of her. They lay there for a couple minutes in a rather precarious position that prompted one mission buddy of mine who was seated in the same section to text me, "Are those chicks making out??" "No," I responded. "But one of them is totally wasted." The expression on the sober girl's face as she lay beneath her incapacitate friend was priceless. I tried several times to capture the precious moment with my phone, but it didn't work out too well. Good times at the U of U. Good times.

"Our co-eds are the finest that you have ever seen." - Utah fight song

The Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week is Kurt Warner of the surging squad, "Wicknasty." Warners 5 passing TDs and 61.74 fantasy points propelled Adam Wicker's team to easily lead the league in scoring this week. "Wicknasty" has been impressive as of late, making an unexpected move in the leaderboard. Perhaps his 25 team transactions are finally paying off.

"Yes! I won something!"

The Shoutout of the Week goes to............................. Mandy LeBaron, who attended her first University of Utah game over the weekend. You should have seen her with her vibrant crimson face paint and Utes apparel, crowd surfing, singing the fight song, denouncing her traditional BYU roots... Oh wow. It was truly a sight to behold. If you don't believe me, just ask her about it. It's her favorite topic.

That's about it for this week. If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go on another space excursion at the so-called library.

Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron