Yes! There is hope!
Greetings to one and all from the outskirts of Sandy, Utah. It's another Newsletter on another Tuesday and there are some exciting things on the horizon. Topics to be discussed: The new life at Costa Vida, the method to my monetary madness, what would happen if your home teachers asked you to watch "Die Hard 2," the new way to air dry, the new wave of Prohibition (Booze-free!), reader feedback, and a new segment that's P.M.U.! On we go!
Well, today is a beautiful day. Why is it such a beautiful day? For starters, for the first time in nearly a year, I have rejoined the work force. I'm not counting EFY because EFY wasn't really a job. It was kind of like paid vacation. But today I began my employment with Costa Vida, a semi-new Mexican restaurant in the Salt Lake Valley. I'm working in Sandy, so it's about five minutes away from where I live, and it wasn't there before my mission, so that should give you a little bit of a time frame. Basically, Costa Vida is the new Cafe Rio. As today was my first day, I was learning the ropes, the tricks of the trade. They stuck me behind the cash register for part of the day, but I spent the majority of the day out taking care of the lobby. You should have seen me out there. I washed those tables like a champ. I refilled the ice like a mad man. I was on fire. Not literally, of course. Costa Vida would have some major concerns with OSHEA if that were the case. So... basically, what I mean to say is that I was figuratively on fire, working up a (figurative) storm.
I haven't had a job (other than EFY) since I quit at GuitarCenter.com last August when I moved back down to Ephraim. I blame this for making me such a cheap piece of garbage, especially when it came to dating in college. I was a notoriously cheap college student and I (still) firmly believe that you don't have to spend lots of money to have fun. Perhaps this contributed to my having been dumped a couple weeks ago, but I stand by my decisions in Ephraim. I was just a little hesitant to spend money when I didn't have any coming in. Needless to say, knowing that I've got a steady income now, no matter the hourly wage, is a pretty dang nice feeling.
Oh gosh. It's Time for The Boo Box. I have just had something come to my attention that deeply concerns me. I was just talking to one of my EFY girls that will be moving to Provo for school in about a month. She expressed her nervousness to me a little bit. Apparently there are some things in Utah that she's worried about. I told her that nothing bad could ever possibly happen in Provo and she said this, "I'm worried about getting a crazy roommate, money, the weirdness of constant Mormon surroundings..." Ok. So the first two concerns are legit. I've worried about those same things many, many times. But if you're a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, why on Earth would you ever be afraid of being surrounded by other members of the Church? This is something that has always blown my mind - why do out-of-state Mormons all hate Utah so much? I understand why non-Mormons hate Utah. That's obvious. But why, if that's how you want to live your life, would you ever whine about being surrounded by an almost entirely LDS-friendly environment? I know what they're going to say - Utah Mormons take things for granted. Um... sure. I agree with that to a certain extent, but it's not like I'm purposely going to move my family to Jersey so they can be introduced to gangs, drugs, and easy-access pornography at a young age. That's what they call "stupid." I love Utah because it is a great place to raise a family. I am happily surrounded by many "Mormon" things and I love it. Yes, I live a sheltered life - and that's the way that Jesus would want it. (I hope this doesn't get me involved with Church disciplinary action.) So anyway, if you dislike Utah or Utahns for the reasons I just stated, I've got news for you. Everybody together now - BOOOOOO!!
**QUESTION TIME!!**
Q. "Dear Aaron,
What is the greatest invention you have recently encountered?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties
A. Good Question. (SALUTE!) Well, while I was working at EFY over the past two months, I encountered quite an amazing contraption in one of the men's restrooms. There is a similar product in some of the restrooms at Jordan Commons, as well, if you're interested. Anyhow, the invention is a new touch-free hand dryer. No paper, no buttons. All you need to do is simply insert your hands vertically into the machine. Once your hands reach a certain point, warm air will start to blow on both sides of your hands, drying them in mere seconds as you slowly raise your arms out of the machine. The thing is crazy. I still remember the first time I tried it. I put my hands half way down and nothing was happening. I had a sneaking suspicion that my hands were about to get chopped off or something. Luckily, that wasn't true. After partaking of the Air Blade's goodness, sometimes I would go to the bathroom just to wash my hands.
Q. "Are you tired of hearing about where Carlos Boozer is going to play basketball?"
- A Loyal Subscriber
A. Trade him. Trade him now. Just get it over with. I have recently realized how absolutely mundane and boring sports news has been for the past two months. I sat down one morning and realized that I hadn't watched Sportscenter since May or June, so I decided to turn it on. Then I realized why I hadn't been watching it - because nothing's happening! I want something to get shaken up. Trade Boozer for Rip Hamilton. If he doesn't want to be here, get him out.
There has been a lot of Subscriber feedback in the last few Issues, as I mentioned last week. According to last week's poll, now that "Signs of the Times" is back, 60% of those that voted are going to take a nap, while the other 40% are going to Disneyland. Subscriber emails have also been coming in frequently. Here is one of them:
"I'm afraid I must respond and correct some misinformation you've spread in the newsletter. Baggy clothingis not a product of the 80s, but of the mid-90s. The 80s were all skin-tight, painted-on jeans with flipped-up collars and mullets. Baggy clothing started in the mid-90s. Take it from me, I lived through both. So the point? Baggy clothing is YOUR generation's fault, not mine! You don't believe me? I've got the yearbooks to prove it! :)"
Cheers,
- Dr. B.
My rebuttal is this - You're right. You're always right.
Here's another one:
"Dear Aaron,
Upon finishing your most recent SotT, I became absurdly jealous because I did not receive a shoutout on my first newsletter. So I demand you remove me from subscription, then re-subscribe me, and then give me a Shoutout for coming back to Utah [last] weekend. Or, you know, whatever."
Keep up the good stuff,
- Dallin
Upon receipt, Mr. Akagi's subscription was reposessed by Management and he has yet to have been re-subscribed... until now.
"Dear Mr. Akagi,
We appreciate your interest in 'Signs of the Times' and your ongoing and outstanding support of the day Tuesday. On behalf of everyone here at SotT, it is with heartfelt gratitude and enthusiasm that we hereby re-subscribe you to the Newsletter. May peace be with you this Tuesday and all Tuesdays."
- Management
If you have feedback for the Newsletter, email it to me at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com. Maybe you'll be published next Time!
I want to start a new segment of the Newsletter - and NO, I haven't discontinued such classic segments as The Two-Minute Instant Message or The Week in Review, I just need motivation. If you have ideas, let me know. Anyhoo, what I want to do with this new segment is to incorporate a new saying into everyone's lives. This is the phrase: "That's P.M.U.!" For those of you who are too uncultured to understand what that means, it's ok because I totally made that up. What it means, though, it "That's pretty messed up!" So it's not exactly like The Boo Box, but I suppose it's kind of similar. What I'd like to discuss in this inaugural segment is the fact that Facebook can be used for both good and evil. To make a long story short, I had this best friend for a long, long time named Beau Shaw. Beau and I were as "best friends" as best friends can be during most of high school. And when I say "most of high school," it's not like we weren't friends or whatever, I just mean that we became good friends probably midway through. Whatever. Well Beau get a Facebook account a few months ago and I just barely find out about it, right? Well he's online last night and sends me an instant message asking how I'm doing. I'm basically shocked because I never talk to this fool anymore and the small talk ensues. I start asking things like "How's life?" and "Are you dating anyone?" He responds that he is, in fact, dating somebody, which came as a bit of a shock to me - not that he's actually dating someone, but that he's um... actually dating someone. You see, Beau was Mr. Friendly in high school and didn't really get exclusive with anyone. He just loved everybody. So I congratulate him and he asks me the same question. I laugh, obviously, and tell him to read Issue No. 62, which answers that inquiry pretty straight-forwardly. I told him that, to make a long story short, I had recently gotten out of a relationship. Then, out of nowhere, he says, "Well, to make a long story short, I'm getting married on September 23." I sometimes wonder what I would do without Facebook. Some of my friends probably already have like three kids and I don't even know about it. "That's P.M.U.!" Oh, and if Beau somehow reads this, I love you and we need to party before this woman rips you away from me.
Hey Jon Davis, my dad is in the next room flipping channels and he said, "There you go, Aaron. 'eHarmony.'" Yes! There is hope!
It's Time for the Shoutout of the Week. This week, it goes to Dallin Akagi, who is celebrating his first Issue as a second-time Subscriber. Dallin, happy first Issue to you! Give somebody a big hug, why don't you?
That's about it for this week. I just hope and pray every night that something crazy will happen to me at this new job. Today was relatively un-crazy. I work with about five or six Hispanics and two White girls, I think. Maybe I'll start a new bilingual TV show called "El Distrito." Only time will tell.
Until next Time,
Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!
Aaron
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