Signs of the Times, Issue No. 45 - 02/10/09

"Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight/
Lead me out on the moonlit floor/
Lift your open hand/
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance/
Silver moon's sparkling/So kiss me"
Oh gosh, how I hate that song.


Greetings to one and all from Ephraim, Utah, home of the Snow College Badgers. Yes. The Badgers. The more you think about it, the fiercer it sounds, actually. Grows on you after a while, it does. There are, of course, multiple things to be discussed today: The mystery of the missing car, 'roid rage, clearance sales, the switch to digital, the war against Seacrest, and an ancient mating ritual... On we go!


Where to begin, where to begin?? So much stuff to talk about this week... How about this - Last week, "Signs of the Times" reported that I had been allegedly frozen out of my car. Let me recap the story. I drove to the radio station on Monday last week. Upon leaving the station, I exited the building and headed to where I had previously parked. I put the key in the door and tried to get in, but to no avail. I tried the passenger-side door. No dice. Because the door on the right side of the car occasionally gets frozen shut, I assumed that was what happened to the other door, as well, so I called a friend and she came to pick me up. I found it strange, however, that both doors could be frozen shut at 6 PM on an evening when it wasn't even that cold in the first place. Nevertheless, I returned the next afternoon to retrieve my car - but it was no longer parked in front of the radio station where I had left it the night before. Sometimes I play mind tricks on myself and say, "Haha, wouldn't that be funny if my car had been towed away - oh, wait - there it is! Haha." But seriously, this time, the car was gone! After a brief moment of panic, I looked across the street to find my car parked alongside the Noyes Building. How the car got to the other side of College Avenue is anybody's guess. Either somebody moved it... or maybe it wasn't actually my car... Recent research studies show that there is another silver Ford Contour that frequently parks in front of the radio station. It also has an air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror and looks virtually identical to The Silver Bullet that I drive. The difference, however, is that the clone car doesn't have a spoiler on the back... and the license plates are probably different, too, I'm guessing. I have five eye witnesses who agree that it would be hard to differentiate between the two cars, so I don't feel like such a moron anymore.



The rumors are true and I'd just like to clarify it right now - I am one of the persons named in the list of 104 athletes that Sports Illustrated recently released. Back in 2003, I was young and naive... and I did some really stupid things. For that, I am really sorry and deeply regretful.

In related news, I respect Alex Rodriguez, believe it or not. I don't support what he did, even though I'm probably the biggest steroid abuser in the history of major league sports (obviously), but I mean, compare him to somebody like Barry Bonds. Even though he plays for the Yankees, I feel that A-Rod is a much more likeable player than somebody like Bonds, who continues to lie about something that everyone knows is true. Just 'fess up and move on. So here's to you, Alex Rodriguez. You're not worthy of the Shoutout of the Week, but I'll applaud you anyway for being man enough to admit your mistakes. You better be happy and take all the applause you can get because I'm pretty sure that everyone in New York is going to hate you for the rest of your career, you choke artist.


Something I find interesting is that when you go to a sports apparel store, such as Fanzz, there is always a discount rack, right? Upon suck racks, you can usually find outdated jerseys. Take, for example, an Allen Iverson Denver Nuggets jersey. Stylish. Very stylish. But he just got traded. Everyone wants a Pistons Iverson jersey nowadays. Thus, Fanzz throws all the Denver jerseys on sale since nobody wants to pay big money for them anymore.

In related news, I was at WalMart on Saturday and saw that Michael Phelps Frosted Flakes are on sale, too.


**QUESTION TIME!!**

Q. "Dear Aaron,
Have you made the switch to digital yet?"
Just Curious,
- The Junior Mounties

A. You know, it's funny you should ask. (SALUTE!) I was getting a little worried about it, honestly. I didn't really want to pay sixty bucks for a dang converter box, so I headed over to WalMart to take a look at TVs. I mean, if I'm going to have to spend money either way, I might as well just get a nicer TV, right? I did a little bit of research on this garbage before heading over, so I had a price range in mind and all that jazz, so don't think that I'm some kind of binge spender or whatever. To make a long story short (too late), I came home with a dang 19" digital TV. I was pretty blasted confused for a little bit since I only got about four or five channels to start out with. That problem was somehow magically fixed in the ensuing half an hour of button mashing. I still don't know how I fixed it. But my problem is still this - channel 2 is fuzzy and the sound on channel 4 is off. Maybe that will all get fixed next week, though, when the actual switch is made. Speaking of switching to digital, you might want to check out the HUGE "City Council" that's planned for next week. Radio will never be the same ever again. I'm serious. I'm making a promo for it this week that I will trick everyone into playing once an hour as "news." Promos are usually thirty second spots. This one is going to be longer than two minutes. I'm just saying.


Q. "Dude,
How does one get a Shoutout?"
- Adam Christensen

A. That, my friend, is the right Question to ask.


Q. "Aaron,
How is the war against Seacrest going?"
Love,
- The Fan Club

A. Dang, I hardly hear from you guys anymore. I miss you dearly. Anyway, I don't want to say too much right now, but let's just say that there is a competition coming up at Snow College called "KAGE Idol" and Seacrest best beware. That's all I can say for now... But I'll keep you posted... after the break...


Q. "Aaron,
What's this we hear about you showing your abs to the ladies on Tuesday? We saw your profile picture on Facebook..."
- A concerned Facebooker

A. It was totally just a sign we saw in Manti on Friday night, I assure you.


Q. "So Aaron,
Here is the Question of the week - Are you a True Badger yet?"
- A Loyal Subscriber

A. *cough* Well, let me start of by saying this: A-Town has developed quite a reputation for being a single man here in Sanpete County. Therefore, I do not wish to flaunt my social interactions extremely openly in such a public forum. However, in order to make my parents, uncles, and numerous other people proud, I admit. It's true, dang it! Allow me to elaborate.

Last night was the infamous True Badger Night. On this night, which is unofficially held at every full moon and officially sponsored by the school once or twice a semester, Snow College students meet beneath the Rasmussen Bell Tower and lock lips for all twelve tolls of the bell at midnight. Upon completing this act, participants are considered True Badgers and can purchase shirts for a small fee.

I went to True Badger Night twice in 2005, but it was strictly business, as I wrote an article about it for the Snowdrift on both occasions. I never participated and even turned a girl with blue lipstick down the second time I went. What?!? I didn't want blue stuff on my face! I am a huge opponent of public displays of affection, so I have always been a little tentative when it came to True Badger Night. Last semester, I was doing a radio show at the time, so I didn't have to worry about it. But, seeing as this could potentially have been my one and only time to become a True Badger - and do it with a willing partner - I decided that I best had get to steppin'.

To make a long story short (too late), I did the deed and got the shirt. In fact, I'm wearing it proudly right now. But I'm sure you all wan to know what it was like. Well... I'll tell you. Pull up a chair. It was probably one of the most awkward things I've done in my life. I already mentioned the fact that I hate PDA and would pretty much never do anything like that myself. Don't get me wrong - holding hands and hugging in public doesn't really bother me that much, but a massive, school sanctioned make out was a rather new experience for me. I didn't go underneath the bell tower. There were probably forty students smashed in there, so I didn't really consider that very sanitary, nor did I want anyone touching me while in the act of True-Badgerizing myself. We picked a spot close to the table where they were selling the True Badger shirts so we could do it, get the shirts, and get the heck outta there. So, the bells started a-ringing and the festivities commenced. I guess it's not proper to have your eyes open, really, so I had them closed really tight. I was super paranoid that something weird was going to happen to us (like in 2005 when the Blue Lips Girls tried to water balloon the True Badgers), so I guess it's safe to say that I wasn't "all there." The eyes were closed, but the ears certainly weren't. I think something might have happened to the people under the bell tower. I heard a bunch of people screaming and somebody near us said something along the lines of "That's just not nice." I'm not going to lie - I really wanted the dang clock to speed up so I could open my eyes and beat away any potential assailants. The other thing that bothered me was that there was a group of guys to my right that were yelling really loud throughout the entire thing. I have no idea what they were talking about, but it was super loud, super annoying, and super distracting. Basically, it was the most lifeless kiss of my life (no, it's not the first one, believe it or not - oh geez... I really opened up a can of worms with this one, didn't I? I hope you're happy, Dad and Gaylen!) and I feel like a dork.

It's reasonably safe to say that I'm done with my True Badgerness. One and done, would be a good term to describe it. From now on, if I want to make out with a girl, uh... I'm not going to finish that statement. I'm sorry. Sorry Mom. Send money.


Wow. I'm really sorry about that. But if you by chance have any Questions for next week, email them to me at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com.


It's time once again for the Boo Box, the segment that is gaining popularity in several countries worldwide. This week, I do believe that medicine will be placed in the Box. I'm fighting a cold right now, in the sense that I'm not technically sick yet, but I had a sore throat on Sunday and Monday, so yesterday I went and bought a bunch of crap at WalMart to make me feel better - like medicine, orange juice, and jelly beans. I've already consumed half of both the medicine and the orange juice and I'm sort of losing my voice a little bit today - that's a good sign, though, since that usually means that I'm about to get better. I haven't been sick in a long time. I can't remember the last time that I was. Basically, I have faith that I won't contract an illness... and I don't. It's amazing. But my problem today is that medicine costs too dang much. I think medicine should be free for everyone. Nobody wants anyone else to be sick, right? Because if that person is contagious, there is a chance that they'll pass it on to us! Therefore, if medicine flowed like milk and honey in the promised land and could be bought without price, you would hypothetically think that nobody would ever get sick. Unfortunately, such is not the case. Gas prices will stay high, the Lakers will keep winning, and medicine will keep being expensive. Everybody together now - BOOOOOOOO!!


The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to two lucky individuals.

First, how about the man himself, Jeff Probst?? Huh? Huh??? Love the guy! And dang Survivor starts up again this week - but I can't stinkin' watch it because my radio show is from 6-8 on Thursdays! DAAAAHHHHH!! I guess that means I'll be watching all the episodes on Friday afternoon, then, huh? I should have put that in the dang Boo Box.

Finally, Adam Christensen gets a Shoutout this week! Adam - Doctrine and Covenants 4:7.


That's about it for this week. If you've got any votes for tonight's KAGE Match, featuring the triumphant return of 2005 Undisputed Champion, Green Day, versus Panic! at the Disco, let me know. You can tune in tonight from 10 PM - midnight by going to the revamped KAGE website, www.snow.edu/KAGE.


Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron