Signs of the Times, Issue No. 33 - 11/18/08

SIGNS OF THE TIMES ONLINE IS BACK -

AND IN LIVING COLOR!!


Estas son las mañanitas que cantaba el Rey David...


Greetings to one and all from Ephraim, UT, where the grass is green and the girls are... well... girls. It's another lovely Feel Good About Yourself Tuesday and A-Town has got business to take care of. Topics to be discussed today: The perfect season, the Madden Nation, a light in the attic (or lack thereof), the Standard of Truth, a KAGE Match update, Questions galore, somebody getting older, somebody getting hitched, and an unexpected plummet in the Fantasy ranks. ON WE GO!


All right, where to begin? Where to begin? It was another crazy week here at Snow. Let me start, I guess, by saying that the Snow College Badgers finished their football season undefeated and will be playing for a national championship on December 6 at Rio Tinto Stadium. Heh heh heh. I know what you're thinking - You're thinking that there would never be, under any circumstances, a good time to be a rodent-like creature. Well... It's a good time to be a Badger.

Speaking of football, my roommates and I have recently discovered a television program that regularly airs on the station commonly known as ESPN entitled "Madden Nation." Basically, we don't know why we watch it. It's pretty much the stupidest show ever made. I take that back - there have been some pretty dang stupid TV shows in the past. The entire premise of the show is that a camera crew follows a bunch of overweight, lazy, single guys around the country as they tour all the NFL stadiums whilst competing in a tournament of Madden 2009 on X-Box. Honestly, I think we're all just secretly jealous of these punks. They get to hang out with NFL players and whoop on them in Madden all day. I've come to the conclusion that if that's the kind of entertainment ESPN is looking for, they can just send a camera guy over to my apartment on any given Friday. I'll play all the Playstation they want. The show is crazy, though. They play two games of Madden per episode and whoever loses the second game is kicked off the show, essentially. The fellahs get pretty competitive and it's hilarious to watch as they shout out such crippling banter as "Stupid!", "You gonna be scurred! You gunna be half-scurred!", and "I just played you like a fiddle!" Mainly, we just laugh at them. There is a big white guy that I hate and I really want him to lose. He's a baby. After losing one close game, he busted his controller by throwing it onto the concrete floor. Keep in mind, these guys are probably thirty years old. It's ridiculous. But I'll probably watch it again if it's on when I flip through channels again. Ah, college...

Continuing the football topic, let's talk about the NFL. Apparently - no, not apparently - I saw it - Donovan McNabb didn't know that NFL games could end in a tie. He found out the hard way on Sunday as the Eagles tied one of the league's worst teams, the Cincinatti Bengals. Here are a few other little known facts about the NFL: Touchdowns are only worth 6, not 7. According to officials in the Steelers/Seahawks Super Bowl a few years ago, you don't have to be on defense to make an illegal block on an opponent - you can also do that if you just threw an interception and you want to tackle the guy. And finally, Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia cost $320 million to build and has a capacity of 68,500 - roughly an equivalent of the number of people who want Donovan McNabb's mother to shove a can of Chunky soup down his esophogas.

I was a busy man this weekend. I tried to get a lot of homework done on Friday afternoon so I could relax a little bit on Saturday and Sunday. On Sunday, I taught Sunday School again, which went about as well as I had hoped for. Then, later that night, I was in charge of teaching a fireside for teacher development and training. Here's the deal - I don't have to do a whole lot with my calling. I just make sure somebody teaches Gospel Doctrine every week and I have to get up before class and welcome everybody. I decided that I could possibly magnify the calling a little more by organizing the fireside and try to help improve the teachers' ability to have entertaining lessons. Is "entertaining" the right word to use there? Um... "uplifting?" "Edifying?" Whatever. Anyhoo, two of the counselors in the Sunday School Presidency and I, along with a pinch-hitting Preston Erickson, taught about four things we can do as teachers of the Gospel to help us have good lessons: prepare to teach, use the scriptures effectively, conduct edifying discussions, and teach for understanding/ask questions. We each taught for about fifteen minutes and at the end, a member of the bishopric bore his testimony. I thought it was a really good activity and I feel like everyone who was there learned something new. Unfortunately, there were only eight people there. Four of them taught a section of the fireside; one of them is engaged to one of the teachers, so she didn't have much of a choice; one of them was a counselor in the bishopric; leaving three others. Only one of those three was a teacher. That was a little disappointing, but like I said, I think everyone there learned something, so that was good. Looking on the bright side, the Church was officially organized only using six members. If I can somehow keep pace with the Church and I keep doing firesides for 200 years, just imagine how many people will be there!


In A-Town news, the KAGE Match Playoffs are underway. As announced last week, the first Semi-Final Match was held last Tuesday night. In case you've been hiding under a rock somewhere and didn't hear, Coldplay beat Creedence Clearwater Revival, Styx, and Barenaked Ladies in the most popular, most voted for, and arguably best KAGE Match of all time! Thus, Coldplay will move on to the KAGE Match Finals to face the winner of tonight's Match, which features #2 John Mayer, #3 Aerosmith, #6 Sister Hazel, and #7 Panic! at the Disco. Voting starts right now if you want to do it online (http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/pages/City-Council-w-A-Town-Season-Two/24430825809) or you can cast your vote by calling me, emailing me, or (Heaven forbid) texting me, but otherwise, you can LISTEN LIVE!!! by going to www.snow.edu/~kage at 10:00 PM tonight. For more information about the KAGE Match, check out the results page at www.snow.edu/~kage/kageresults.html. It's "City Council" w/ A-Town, Season Two - Your tax dollars hard at work...


**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q1. Which theme parks have you been to and what are your favorite attractions?Q2. Do you like other trilogies besides "Back to the Future?"
Q3. Do you enjoy Swiss Cake Rolls?
- Andrea Chapman

A1. I have been to Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm, several of the Six Flags parks, and the never-to-be-forgotten Lagoon. Disneyland is the best place ever and pretty much anything you can do there for free is also the best ever. The food is dang expensive, though, so I'm not digging that so much. But yeah - Disneyland rules. Lagoon was all right back in like... middle school... when the girls that went there were slightly attractive, but now, uh, in the words of Austin, "nah suh muuuuch..." As far as attractions go, I am a huge fan of roller coasters. I think I could ride them all day, probably. Splash Mountain and Pirates of the Caribbean have always been some of my favorites. My all-time least favorite ride would have to be the Ring of Fire at the county fair about a decade ago. Adam made me and Austin go on it and seriously, the leg bar was loose or something, so every time we would go upside down and they would suspend us there for what seemed like an eternity, Jish Jr. and I would have to put our hands up to push ourselves down from the top of the car. I remember Austin's head being pretty much plastered to that thing. We screamed like girls. That's not a good thing, either. We weren't screaming out of excitement - were honestly afraid we were going to plummet to our deaths. I think my mom will attest to that.
A2. Yes, in fact. The original Star Wars trilogy is a good one, of course. I am also particularly fond of Indiana Jones. Lord of the Rings is pretty good, but it's too dang long and it bothered me when nerdy kids would write in Elvish on the white boards in high school. The first two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies were pretty good. And who could forget Rocky?? I take the first four and the last one. Don't watch the fifth one. It's stupid. I'll even spoil the ending for you so you don't have to watch it - Rocky punches some guy out... in a PARKING LOT. Lame.

A3. Nothing says "Summer of 2008" like sitting in the parking lot of Guitar Center, listening to "The Herd" with Colin Cowherd, and eating Swiss Cake Rolls! I find them quite delicious.


Q. "Here's a Question for next week's Signs of the Times: Is Shaq past his prime? Is he not a big threat anymore?"
- Robbie Simons

A. Well, Jedi Boy, if last night's Jazz game is any indication, he's not so much of a threat anymore. He's also much funnier and less scary than he used to be. But he's definitely still big. And he still sweats more than is normal for any human being.


Q. "Why isn't 'cactus' the plural for 'cactus?'"
- A Loyal Subscriber

A. Well, I suppose that "cactuses" just doesn't sound very good. I suppose it's really "cacti," but "cactus" kind of makes sense to me. This world is kind of confusing nowadays. I keep trying to remember what the singular form of "sheep" is.


Submit your own Questions to me at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com - and, if you're interested, the Two-Minute Instant Message is itching to make a comeback...


It's one of those topics you just can't avoid - I, Aaron Christensen, am turning 22 tomorrow. That's the truth. In fact, "City Council" tonight will hold a giant birthday bash in A-Town's honor. In the last two hours or so, many Loyal Subscribers have asked me how I feel about turning 22. My answer is this - 22 is a weird number. And you can make all checks payable to Aaron J. Christensen.

The Shoutout of the Week this week... or should I say SHOUTOUTS... go to Robbie Simons, former members of the Alta Band, and Adam and Kathryn.

Robbie - Long time no... uh... anything, my boy! Hopefully life is treating you well.

Alta Band - Focus. Energy.

Adam and Kathryn - Let's say you were hypothetically sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. If love came first, what would come second?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kathryn, welcome to the family...................................................


Now that all hope of ever getting married myself are down the proverbial tubes, it's time for the Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week. Unfortunately, this week, it's got to go to Gridlock again. Matt Cassel of the New England Patriots completed 30 passes for 400 yards, 3 TDS, and a 2-point conversion, plus, he had 62 rushing yards for a nearly unthinkable 67 Fantasy Points. Let's put this in perspective, shall we? My entire offensive squad only scored 69 Fantasy Points last week. I've been dropped like Math 1060 and I'm now 100 points out of first place. Life stinks and so do my quarterbacks.

That's about it for this dang week. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some candles to blow out. Vote for the KAGE Match.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It.

Aaron