Signs of the Times, Issue No. 32 - 11/11/08

"The-the-the bruise - the bruise on your head. I know how that happened! You told me the whole story. You were standing on your toilet, and you were hanging a clock, and you fell, and you hit your head on the sink. And that's when you came up with the idea for the Flux Capacitor... Which... is what makes time travel possible..."


Greetings to one and all. This is the 32nd Issue of the Signs of the Times Newsletter, just two away from tying the length of the beloved E.P.B. Newsletter, so basically it's history in the making. Sit back, have a juice box, and feast upon the ponderings of a wandering juvenile mind. Topics to be discussed today: Bad afternoons, "the Loop," health hazards, Swiss Cake Rolls, the KAGE Match Playoffs, something I haven't seen in... thirty years..., and another reason why Gardner loves Tuesdays. On we go!


Maybe it's just me, but seriously, I love the Jazz. That's not big news and that's not what's "just me," either, but seriously, I have watched every game so far this year with the exception of the OKC game (VCRs can only tape so many things at once, you know...), and this Sunday was no different. That's right. I watched the Jazz game on Sunday. While doing homework. I feel like a failure. Really, though, did anybody else that watched that game have a crappy afternoon like I did? I was ticked. I hate Zack Randolph. We were killing the Knicks in the first half and it looked like we were scrimmaging or something during the second half. I finally turned off the game with about three minutes left, and honestly, I don't even know why I watched the fourth quarter. It was a waste of my livelihood. I have therefore decided (for the sake of my happiness and temporal well-being) that the Jazz shouldn't lose anymore.


I'm out of the loop. A lot of crazy stuff is happening all over the place, but I feel like I'm pretty distant from it all. Does anybody know what I mean? My good buddies are getting married, old friends are home from their missions, girls I knew in high school are having their second kids by now, several people I knew have gotten mission calls, but I don't know when all this stuff happened! I am just finding out now! I mean... there is huge... like... life-changing stuff going on in my own family that I don't even know about! Never has Ephraim felt more forsaken. (sad face)


What's up with all these kids riding bikes around all day? Snow College students have interesting modes of transportation, to say the least. I have never seen so many motorized scooters in my life - and it seems like all of them either have bull horned duct taped to the handlebars or have blue and white tropical designs on the seats. I haven't seen so many Razor scooters since I was in 8th grade. Heck, I have seen families zipping down the sidewalk on rollerblades and there are skateboards, longboards, and rip-sticks aplenty. But seriously, more than anything else, there are tons of bicycles down here. Given, that's not that crazy. The thing that is crazy, though, is that several of these bikers also appear to be chain smokers. I have noticed two kids in particular that are always bunny hopping off the side of the library and junk like that and, as if that didn't make them memorable enough, they are always smoking simultaneously. I don't know how they do it. Some days, I weave through the stunt men, take off from the library, jump in my car, and head over to McDonald's to grab a quick meal. By the time I get to McDonalds, guess who's popping a wheelie in the parking lot? Yeah, the smoker boys. I hurry through the drivethru and head back to my apartment and as I pass City hall, there are two kids relaxing on the park benches kicking their feet up on their sweet two-wheelers while they exhale clouds of pollutant. These guys are nuts! How the heck do they get around so fast?? And how do they do it without extinguishing their stogies? It leads me to this conclusion - Smoking while cycling must be healthy. The anaerobic exercise from their biking must cancel out the ill effects of the nicotine and rat poison, thus increasing their capacity for speed and endurance. It is truly unbelievable - a modern miracle.


It's true, people! - A-Town did color commentary at Snow College's men's basketball game on Saturday night! It's not like I made it big or something. It was just a gig for the radio. They needed some help and asked me if I would do it, so I happily agreed. It was a pretty sweet experience. Luckily, they paired me up with a guy named Duke who does pretty good play-by-play, so I got to sit back for most of it and speak up to comment about a poor pass, a charging foul, a one-handed put back, and other things like that. Basically, I spent most of the time mocking how big the players on the other team were, talking about Swiss Cake Rolls, and heckling Buster the Badger. It was sweet! By no means am I an extraordinary commentator, but give me a break - it was my first time. Perhaps Lady Luck will smile down upon Sanpete County and A-Town will once again be called upon to lend his voice to the hardwood. In the event that you would be interested in listening, let me know and I'll inform you of the details.


Speaking of the man, himself, "City Council" w/ A-Town has once again reached the time for the KAGE Match Playoffs! That's right, ladies and gents. The eight KAGE Match Champions selected this semester by you Loyal A-Towners will be duking it out in a fifteen-foot-high steel KAGE that is surrounded by barbed wire and venomous serpents! Eight bands will enter, one band will leave as the Undisputed KAGE Match Champion for Season Two! The good news is that you lucky Subscribers have the opportunity to vote early and free of charge! If you have a Facebook account, you can cast your vote for tonight's Playoff Match (#1 Coldplay vs #4Creedence Clearwater Revivial vs #5 Styx vs #8 Barenaked Ladies) online! Go here - http://www.new.facebook.com/pages/City-Council-w-A-Town-Season-Two/24430825809 if you want to vote. Jon Davis (yes, THE Jon Davis) has already fulfilled his civic duty and moral obligation, so you should, too. I'm sure he'd endorse your voting if he were present, but he's not, so I'll just go ahead and do it for him. Anyhoo, you can catch the show live tonight at 10 PM Utah time for live voting and results from the first semi-final Match coming around 11:00 or 11:15.


**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q. "You should say something about the 53rd anniversary of time travel in your next Newsletter."
- J. Scott Aylett

A. Uh... I'm pretty sure that wasn't a Question... Anyway, one week ago on November 5, 2008, human beings the world 'round celebrated the 53rd anniversary of time travel by shooting shotguns at a van full of terrorists, watching Jaws 19, gambling on horse races, window shopping for Dust Busters, and finding enough room to make it up to 88. Can I get a Doc Brown style "DAAAAAAAHH!!" and a crazy hair flip, please? I had an argument with my roommate the other day about Back to the Future. I told him that the BTTF trilogy is the best trilogy in cinematic history and he kept arguing that I was lying and that it was really the Lord of the Rings trilogy. After about five minutes of disagreement, I told him to make like a tree and get out of here. I'm pretty sure he thinks he won the fight. Really, though, how can you compete with a flying Delorean, a young Michael J. Fox, and Christopher Lloyd in a rubber, yellow suit with a plastic double-tie? The answer? You can't. Hundreds of lines from the movie are flooding into my mind right now, but I can't quite think of how to incorporate them into this paragraph, so I won't. All I will say is, "You sure know how to hydrate a pizza!" In closing, if I had to sum up the Back to the Future trilogy and the anniversary of time travel in a sentence or two, I would use the words of the immortal Biff Tannen and exclaim, "Great flick. Great freakin' flick."


Submit your Questions or apply for a Two-Minute Instant Message by contacting me via email at tarheelglory19@yahoo.com.


The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to Jason Moffat, truly a man among men who recognizes talent when it bites him in the rear.


The Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week goes to The A-Town Assassins and the New York Jets defense, who only allowed 3 points, had 2 sacks, 2 interceptions, 3 fumble recoveries, and scored a defensive TD. That's 25 Fantasy Points, friends. That total is as much as seven of the other Assassins combined for Week 10. Impressive. Or sucky. Either way.


Here's a quick reminder from Loyal Subscriber and Tuesday enthusiast, Uncle Curtis Gardner:

"Christensen,
So, Here's another reason why Tuesdays are awesome...EAC celebrates Veteran's Day on the actual day it falls on. Thus, since this year, Veterans' Day falls on Tuesday, we don't have school!"
- Gardner

Hooray for Tuesdays.


Well, I suppose that's about it for this week. In the words of Sydney Pino, "HAVE A GOOD ONE!"


Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron