Signs of the Times, Issue No. 25 - 09/23/08

Oopsy-daisy! When I emailed this, I said it was Issue No. 24. That was last week. Sorry. This is Issue No. 25


When I walked downstairs at 9:00 Sunday morning, something shocking caught my eye. In utter disbelief and awe, I crept toward the sink and realized that not only were there no dirty dishes therein, but that they'd also wiped off the counter! It was certainly an unexpected sight - one that had seldom been seen inside the confines of apartment A3. Then, as I poured my cereal into the bowl, I awkwardly apologized for waking the two high school girls who had spent the night on our couches.


Greetings to one and all. This is Aaron speaking. As recently explained to Andrea Chapman, in the many ups and downs of my young life, last weekend was... another one... And as I told one "Sister" Hayley Jensen, I don't really want to have the experiences that I have sometimes, but when said mishaps occur, at least they're fun to laugh at. I suppose that brings us to the purpose of my Newsletters... Yeah, who would have guessed these things actually had a point?!?... Anyhoo, hopefully your day will be better and you can Feel Good About Yourself by sitting back and laughing at me, being grateful you didn't have to go through this junk yourself. Topics to be discussed today: Stalker updates, true love defined, the desperate cry of a Loyal Subscriber, a boneheaded fantasy move, and the changing opinion of LDS missionaries. But first, the "Long Night of Apostasy." On we go!


I walked into my apartment last Saturday night and received the usual greeting from one of my roommates. I saluted him verbally and headed directly to my bedroom, as is customary nowadays. I can't quite bring myself to stay downstairs for extended periods of time due to the absolute filth that lays scattered across the floor, couches, and counter. I suppose you could say that I got sick of cleaning up after these kids, so I just refuse to subject myself to it. If I'm never there, they can't blame me for making the mess, thus, I will never have to clean ever again... That is, until we run out of dishes, which happens about three times a week. After arriving at my destination, I started craving a McFlurry from McDonalds. Those things are just too dang good. So I went back down to my car and suddenly noticed something I had overlooked upon arrival - an immodestly dressed, braces-laden high school girl from Clearfield. "Hmmph!" I said to myself. "Of all the days to have a girl over... They actually cleaned up this morning!"

I returned to the apartment after five minutes of driving around and rejoined my roommates and the not just one - but TWO - high school girls and quickly finished the delicious snack. As I sat there, I overheard several things I did not wish to hear: Profanity and vulgarities proceeding from the men and immoral desires from the women... no... from the "girls." Apparently they wished to intoxicate themselves during their stay with the boys. That was not all, either. They also semi-jokingly, in my opinion, expressed interest in staying the night. I didn't want much more of that, so I scurried my way back up to the sanctuary that is my room and shut the door tight.

Of all the Sundays for me to have to speak in church, this was a real doozy. I hadn't received a topic to speak on, so I had to come up with something on my own. Five or six topics bounced through my brain, but as I tried to create an outline, nothing was sticking. In an attempt to get my feet of the ground, I called around asking for ideas. Several college kids and my parents came in handy and I finally decided on a subject. The final product ended up ok, but it's the preparation that I really enjoyed. The boys were downstairs still trying desperately to impress their underaged female counterparts by their apparent wealth of vocabulary, but the most impact their choice words had was on my shut door. Profanity penetrated my quarters, making it nigh impossible to express my thoughts clearly. You know, there's a fuzzy little feeling you're supposed to have when you prepare stuff like this, right? Let's just say that I went to church 45 minutes early as to feel adequately... "disinfected..." When I said there is filth covering the carpet and counter, I guess I wasn't referring only to material filth... For starters, we've got a huge Corona banner hanging on the wall and uh... about those couches...

I woke up early that Sabbath morn, cell phone buzzing at the stroke of 8 AM. I prepared myself for the morning's meetings and made sure I had everything ready for my talk. Everything seemed fine. Nowadays, most people eat breakfast still, don't they? Well I had a crazy idea come to me - I thought I'd go down and have myself a nice bowl of cereal. And that's when it got crazy. I crept down the stairs, trying to remain as quiet as natural so I didn't disturb anybody's habitual Sunday morning hibernation. As I made it half way down, however, I saw something moving. A blanket. On the couch. I glanced over to the other couch. Another large, blanketed lump. I took advantage of the situation, quickly whipping out my cell phone and documenting the blatent violation of apartment rules. (You never know - it could come in handy later on...) As I opened cabinets and drawers to get out a bowl, a spoon, and my magically disappearing milk, then dumping the cereal into the bowl, like most people do, I apparently was disturbing the young ladies. I tried not to pay any attention to them and they pulled their blankets up over their heads like somebody had just shined a flashlight in their eyes or something. I don't believe I have ever felt so awkward during any breakfast I have ever had in my entire life. It's MY dang apartment! Who the freak are you girls?!? I ended up going back upstairs and eating my Coco Roos in my bedroom as my roommate slept. And I went to church by myself. Again.


So yes. The girl troubles continue down here at Snow College. It's not like I choose for these things to happen. Anyway, the Stalker Girl segment from last Issue seemed to be quite a hit and many people responded in sympathy to my situation. The following is part of an actual email sent in an actual person in regards to last week's Institute stomp:

"Run, Aaron, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!!!"
- Richard Brunson

The good news is that, though I have seen her several times since two Fridays ago, I don't think she has uttered a word to me. It's pretty awkward. But uh... At least she's not trying to hold my hands anymore.


**QUESTION TIME!!**


Q, "Aaron... How do I know if what I feel for you is true love?"
- Adam Wicker

A. Well, Adam, that's a good Question. There is a difference between "love" and "lust" and I think that in your case, you should carefully examine it. Upon examination, you may discover several... "problems" in the lifestyle you have chosen. But if, in fact, it's not true love, rather the manly love which is experienced and developed in "el campo misional," as they say in Spanish, perhaps you're not in as much trouble as I thought... Just please don't touch my face.


Q. "Dear Aaron,
Are you ever afraid of walking outside at night by yourself?"
- Just Curious,
The Junior Mounties.

A. Thanks for asking. You know, I'm really not. I've come to the conclusion that nobody would ever want to jump me in a dark alley. Because I could kick the crap out of them. (SALUTE!)


Q. "Dear Aaron,
While the opportunity of working on the grounds crew at the Provo temple and taking care of the lawns and garden is great, I would like to offer just one piece of advice. This one goes out to all of you who do not now or have never worked on any sort of grounds crew or spend significant amounts of time caring for plants. And the advice is as follows: PLEASE, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE UNIVERSE, don't question us or our motives for doing things. I mean, *really,* would we be doing this if we *didn't* know what we were doing? That is all. Anyone remember 'The District?'"

A. Heck yeah, I remember "The District!" That crap was the best. Can you really ever beat me getting nine of my fingers chopped off by a lawn mower, Austin breaking basketball hoops with Mexicans, and Craig T. Nelson getting struck by lightning? I'm shocked I haven't heard back from CBS about doing a reunion special or something. And um... sorry about the critics.


Remember - you too can submit your very own Questions to tarheelglory19@yahoo.com.


The Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week is Ronnie Brown, running back for the Miami Dolphins. The crazy thing is that NOBODY has him on their team! Correction, I have him on my team. I had him on my team previously, too. But I dropped him Week 2 and nobody picked him up until now. That's unfortunate. 113 rushing yards for 4 rushing TDs, 19 passing yards for 1 passing TD, and 9 recieving yards?!? That's 43 fantasy points down the drain, ladies and gents. Just watch. That will be his only good game of the season.


The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to Amy, the manager of my apartment complex. She was way more understanding than I thought she'd be and hooked me up big time. Now I've got a big decision to make...


And finally, does it seem to anyone else around here that the opinion girls have of returned missionaries is a little skewed now? It seemed to me that before my mission, I couldn't date anybody at college because I wasn't an RM and they weren't interested. I couldn't get a good calling at churhc since I wasn't an RM. The list goes on and on, really. The church stuff is still the same. I've talked in Sacrament Meeting once and taught Sunday School twice in five weeks, so they're keeping their returned missionaries pretty busy. But seriously, I got shut down this week by a girl who says she doesn't want to seriously date RMs because all they want to do is get married. Upon explaining that I'm not anywhere near a position where I could get married, she said, "But still, you're looking." Um... CHA!! I have to! If I wasn't looking to get married, it wouldn't happen... and if it never happened, then... well... I'd be writing Newsletters every week for the rest of my life. So seriously, it seems like now that I am a returned missionary, all the ladies want to do is date the freshmen because there is no commitment involved. Maybe I'm just looking for love in the wrong places, as they say... Don't worry. There's a good chance I'll be in Provo next year. And we all know what the ladies are like there, don't we?


That's about it for this week. Gotta get working on "City Council" material. Be sure to tune in tonight from 10PM to midnight at www.snow.edu/~kage. It's gonna be good. I'm giving away a car. Want to know what I'm talking about? Better tune in!


Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron