Signs of the Times, Issue No. 24

I once heard "college radio" defined in two simple words: "Dead." "Air." This year, join me in a united effort to redefine that term in two different, but equally simple words: "A. Town."


Greetings to one and all. It's Tuesday and around here, that can only mean one thing... That I'm Feeling Good About Myself. Oh, it's true. It's dang true. There have been big, big developments here in the last week and there is a lot to talk about. Topics to be discussed: Locusts swarming Sanpete, my first official stalker, outright blasphemy, the pinnacle of all Badgerdom, a Fantasy first, and the official Triumphant Return - tonight!! On we go!


My shoulder hurts. Last night, the ward had an opening social at a shotgun range. I showed up a little late and basically got there right at the end. I got some free food and also was able to shoot a couple times before it got dark. And by a couple, I mean... like... four. It was the first time I had shot a gun in at least three years, so that, along with the gathering darkness, didn't allow for a spectacular display. I didn't hit anything. It would have been nice if I had gotten there earlier and had a better opportunity to hit something, but things were a little complicated. The radio station owns two sections of the highway and once a semester we go to pick up garbage. "Once a semester" was yesterday. Basically, my group got done half an hour before the other group, so we just had to sit there and wait for them, simultaneously causing me to miss the church social. Bummer. Picking up the garbage wasn't so bad. The craziest thing was the ridiculous amount of crickets. Honestly, with ever step I took, dozens of crickets flew into the air. It was insane. I wonder how Moses felt.


I have a stalker. Or... did. I don't know if I still have one. But I definitely did. This is the truth. I've joked about having stalkers before. Heck, I've even joked about stalking others! I'm serious. This crap is crazy. Here's the deal. There I am at a school activity last week hosted by the newspaper, which I write for. Another girl from the newspaper staff comes up and starts talking to me. That's all right. I always need somebody to talk to. But she stays there the entire time! She doesn't leave me alone! Then she starts asking weird questions about my life... Like... she wants to know everything. It was kinda messed up. So anyway, eventually I lied and said I was really cold just so I could get the freak outta there.

Flash forward. It's the next night. There is a dance at the Institute. And naturally, being the party animal that I am, I head over to shake it on the dance floor. I was there for, I don't know, five minutes or so, innocently looking around for somebody I knew - and then I saw her (more like she saw me). There was the girl from the night before, making a bee-line for me. From that moment on, I knew I wasn't going to be doing any shaking on the dance floor. Basically, she started asking the exact same questions from the night before: "How's your life? Tell me about your life." Apparently my sarcastic approach was working, as she soon changed her stance to "You need professional help" and "You have a very boring life." Oh, it's not like I haven't heard THAT a million times before. Think of something original! Now maybe being interrogated by a less-than-attractive (it's true!) female that I met 24 hours before isn't TOO creepy. Take into account that she was standing about a foot away from me - and not to the side, either, but directly in front of me. She was trying to make eye contact the entire time, so I desperately faked that I was looking around the cultural hall for somebody I knew. There were, in fact, others there that I knew. My desperate text messages of "SAVE ME" and "Oh gosh, get me out of here!" didn't seem to be working. Later on in the evening, I found a nice girl from church who I thought would be kind enough to protect me for a few minutes. I scurried to the complete opposite side of the gym with her and explained the situation. Nicely, she began to talk to me and we carried on a conversation for a few minutes. Out of the corner of my eye, I couldn't believe what I saw. The stalker girl had found me! She had apparently spotted me from clear across the room and came over to join us, once again placing herself right next to me. Things got awkward from there and my church friend eventually wandered away.

That wasn't the end of the night, either! As the night went on, I was constantly pestered about whether or not I knew what song was playing and, if I did know, why I wasn't dancing to it. It got to the point that I got so sick of her asking me to go out and dance with her that I told her she would have to pay me "2.5 million dollars before I would ever dance in public." In other words, "take a hike, shorty." I kept my hands firmly inserted into my pockets nearly the entire night, for upon withdrawl, this girl would touch my hands, as if trying to hold them. She also frequently touched my arms when she wanted to get her point across. A little creepy, if you ask me... And that's not even the worst thing. No joke - she touched my face. She really wanted to teach me how to swing dance, I guess, and I refused. It all seems like a blur now, but I remember the words, "Oh Aaron, you need help," and feeling her hand touch my cheek. Uh... Don't touch my face. Nobody should ever touch my face. I can think of two exceptions and swing dancing is not one of them.

I had a couple girls save me multiple times during the night. For example, a girl I recently met while doing a random poll around campus for the newspaper found me at the end of the dance and immediately asked me to dance for the last two slow songs. Ahhh... yes... She took pity on me for the final twenty minutes or so to such an extent, in fact, that at one point, she stepped in between me and Stalker Girl. Ah, life was good for those twenty minutes.

I'm sure many of you think I am a jerk for speaking so publicly about this story. Many of you will think I should not be so mean to people or possibly even that I should have gone out and danced with Stalker girl. The reality is that if you were in my position... and somebody you barely knew touched your face... you would have done the exact same thing. Just another fact of life. Another Sign of the Times.


**QUESTION TIME!**


Q. "Dear Aaron,
Who is this girl you speak of?"
- Just Curious,
The Junior Mounties

A. Her name is Kim. (SALUTE!) And by the way, Stalker Girl asked me later on if Kim was my girlfriend. After consulting with Kim, we agreed that if I took her to get a milkshake the next day, I could say that we were dating. I told Stalker Girl that we were "dating a little bit." Stalker Girl asked me what "a little bit" meant and I said that um... we go on dates... and stuff... but weren't official. She asked if I wanted it to be official. (Kinda personal information, wouldn't you say? Who asks this stuff??) I decided I was sick of talking and just said, "We'll see how things go, I guess." Kim and I got a milkshake the next day. It went pretty well. She's 18 from Las Vegas. We have a lot of stuff in common, down to the fact that we both roast marshmallows over the stove! One problem arose as we talked. I am slightly anti-freshman and she is slightly anti-RM. Hmm...


Q. "Christensen. Are you the keymaster?"
- Uncle Gardner

A. No.


Q. "So A-Town,
We heard that last night was True Badger Night. Any truth to this?"
- Love,
The Fan Club

A. Well, I think some people had True Badger Night last night, but it wasn't officially school-sponsored. Due to early morning classes and lack of a partner, I remain Truly Badgerless. But thanks for bringing it up.


This week's Fantasy Football Superstar of the Week is quite obvious to me. In an unprecedented event, The Aggies!! stunned the fantasy world with Jay Cutler's 71 point performance, which could quite potentially be the greatest single performance in my entire recollection. The Aggies!! maintain their first place standing, but we'll see just how long that will last...

The Shoutout of the Week this week goes to Adam Wicker: the man, the myth, the Loyal A-Towner. 80s rock forever and ever. Thanks for listening and increasing the A-Town Nation.


Finally, the news is hot off the press as of yesterday afternoon - "City Council" w/ A-Town is back! After a slumber of nearly three years, the self-proclaimed greatest entertainment program in all of recorded history goes back on the air tonight from 10:00-Midnight, Utah time. For those of you in Ephraim... which would be... probably none of you, you can hear it on 89.5 FM. And for those of you so privileged as to have internet access, you can hear the festivities live and in three dimensions at www.snow.edu/~kage. Simply go there and then access the station by clicking on either of the "Listen Live" links on the right side of the page. Yeah, the page hasn't been updated since 2007, but don't let that deter you. That's not my fault and maybe they'll fix it sometime in the next fortnight. Tonight's "Council" will feature the first KAGE Match since 2005, in which it will be "Styx vs. Stones." Get it?? Come on, people. Basically, I play two songs by Styx and then I play two songs by The Rolling Stones and then you get fifteen minutes to call in and vote for who you believe should be the champion. It's good, clean fun for kids of all ages. Check it out tonight at 10:00. You know you want to, Seacrest... and that's the bottom line...


Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron