Signs of the Times, Issue No. 248 - 02/19/13

He must be one of those unknown presidents... like Rutherford B. Hayes.

Greetings to one and all. Here's another lovely Newsletter for you. I was pondering the meaning of life the other day and I've come to a conclusion: The older I get, the more I realize that I really have nothing in common with anyone anymore. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that you've become an increasingly difficult audience to write for. I find myself refraining from writing about certain things because I know who my audience is and I know what you don't care about. Sadly, the things that you don't care about are the things that I do care about. So that's a challenge. Regardless, I continue to blog and here's another Issue for you to skim over. Don't care. Anyway, topics to be discussed tonight.... How about you just take a look and find out for yourselves? On we go.

Have any of you ever gotten stuck in the mud or the snow with your car? Isn't that the dumbest thing ever? It's just stupid. You sit there and try to get yourself out, but the more you try, the more the wheels spin, digging you into an even deeper hole. Basically, you just sit there until somebody comes to rescue you - and that's not really very fun, especially when you know that there's nobody around that's capable of pulling you out of the rut you've formed. You know, sometimes I think that instead of sitting there and spinning the tires to no avail or waiting for somebody to save you, you've just gotta be like "screw this crap" and get out of the mess yourself.

I wonder what it would feel like to drive a monster truck over a row of cars. Has anyone else ever wondered that? I bet you would feel pretty large and in charge.


I had a conversation today with my coworkers about the evolving size of cell phones. Back in the '90s when cell phones were brand new, we had those huge "brick" phones. I remember the first cell phone my dad had. That thing was awesome. It was also really, really thick. As time (and technology) went on, phones got smaller and smaller. The smaller your phone was, the cooler you were. Eventually, we did away with the physical keypad and shifted phones toward touch screens. When corporate America decided that small, thin phones weren't enough, they created tablets - huge 9" devices that do pretty much the same things as a smartphone does, but BIGGER!! Everybody ran out and grabbed themselves a tablet to keep up with the popular fads of the day and we were all happy as a clam, but then we decided that what we really wanted was a smaller tablet! Thus came the Kindle Fire and the iPad Mini - like a tablet, but not as big as a tablet. Magical. So then we had our small phones and our big tablets and our medium-sized tablets, so, logically, what comes next? Bigger phones! I guess that's the trend now: slightly larger phones. Bigger than your old phone, smaller than your iPad, but not as big as your medium-sized tablet. That's P.M.U.!!


I miss living a college lifestyle. Now, let me clarify: when I say a "college lifestyle," I don't mean partying 24/7 and not doing homework because, uh, that's not what I did in college. What I did in college was finish all my classes for my bachelors degree in 3 1/2 years. So... take that, party girls. Anyway, I was just listening to my iPod the other day and a song came on that reminded me of my time at the KAGE in Ephraim. I miss walking up and eating cereal while watching SportsCenter, strolling on over to my 9:30 class while listening to alternative rock, and spending my nights playing Rock Band with my roommates or tuning into college radio. I miss the sporting events and I miss having a group of people pretty much always available and willing to hang out and do fun things. Life, sadly, isn't like that anymore. I used to always wonder what college graduates did with their lives when they weren't at work. Not a whole lot, it turns out! Not a whole lot at all. It turns out that I, as a college graduate, generally watch a lot of movies and TV and stay up way too late Googling random sports statistics and watching YouTube videos of minor-league mascots moonwalking dugouts.


I'm not going to go into much detail here, but Jeremy Evans got ripped off in the NBA All-Star Weekend Sprite Slam Dunk contest over the weekend. The guy who eventually ended up winning the competition missed his first dunk FIVE TIMES and the judges still gave him a nearly-perfect score. In the finals, while Jeremy was creative and innovative, doing something that has never been done before in any dunk contest, Toronto's Terrence Ross phoned in an almost-identical dunk to one that Indiana's Gerald Green threw down in the first round and jumped over a little kid - and the little kid was bending over, for crying out loud! I mean, I could do that! Again, just like every year, All-Star Saturday Night turned out to be a gigantic waste of my time, and to that I say BOOOOOO!! I thought Jeremy did a great job and I was proud of him for his second strong showing in a row. If you take a look back at the pictures of some of those dunks that Jeremy had last weekend, I'm still astonished that he didn't win. Astonished. That's a good word, right?

I've come to the conclusion that an entire bag of candy makes a much better post-work snack than an entire can of Pringles.

People have long critiqued my once-famous love of Canada. I was talking to somebody about that the other day, as a matter of fact. I went to Canada once. It was only a couple hours, but it was a nice little day-trip. One of my most long-lasting memories about Canadians was that, at one point, I needed to cross the road. So, like a semi-brain dead teenager, I stepped out into the road, right in the middle of traffic. Miraculously, mercifully, the cars slowed down for me and allowed me to cross. I'll tell you what - if that was New York City, they'd have run me over.

If I had to choose between living in a tree, in a cave, or underground, I think I'd choose underground. A tree house could be cool, but then you're susceptible to rain and wind and storms and flaming arrows (a la "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"). A cave is too dark and too cold and too full of bugs and cave monsters, so I can't do that. Underground is nice, though. You've usually got electricity down there in an online bunker, it can be warm (with the help of some space heaters and/or generators, if necessary), and it's a great way to hide from people like North Koreans that have invaded the country or creepy stalkers. Plus, in the event of a nuclear strike (most likely from said North Koreans), I think you've got the best chance for survival underground. So if I ever disappear and go M.I.A., you can safely assume I've gone underground.

The Shoutout of the Week goes to Kim Kardashian, who posted a quote from President Thomas S. Monson on her Facebook fan page on Monday. "Your future is as bright as your faith," the image read, followed by the name of the Prophet. Its a great quote! But I hope Kimmy K didn't post that merely because she wanted to be patriotic on Presidents Day. Because, um, he is A president, but he was never THAT KIND of president.

That's about it for this week, kiddos. That's all I've got. Jazz win. It's always a good night when the Jazz win, especially on a Tuesday. Catch you cats on the flop.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron