"That's F-in' awesome!" - Joe Flacco on national TV
Greetings to one and all and, I'm sorry, but I had to say that. Joey, Joey, Joey... I hope your mama washed your mouth out with soap. More on that later. But first, my recap of the best and worst Super Bowl XLVII commercials, my thoughts on the actual game, my hatred for the role model of millions, a new method of channeling my rage in a positive way, and a phone call from some very good friends. On we go!
Greetings to one and all and, I'm sorry, but I had to say that. Joey, Joey, Joey... I hope your mama washed your mouth out with soap. More on that later. But first, my recap of the best and worst Super Bowl XLVII commercials, my thoughts on the actual game, my hatred for the role model of millions, a new method of channeling my rage in a positive way, and a phone call from some very good friends. On we go!
There were, as usual a bunch of really disappointing Super Bowl ads this year. Where to begin? Where to begin?...
Serious beer commercials:
What's up with beer commercials lately? Remember back in the '90s when Budweiser commercials actually used to be hilarious? I mean, either way, it's not like I'm going to go out and buy any of these products (especially the commandment-breakers), but if you're going to be spending millions of dollars for a Super Bowl ad, why would you waste everybody's time trying to make beer look classy? These serious beer spots are killing me! If I'm going to have to be subjected to their marketing for 60 seconds, they might as well give me a good laugh!
That "God Made Farmers" (or whatever) commercial:
What was that? A truck commercial? It was 60 seconds about the history of American agriculture or something and, instead of making me want to go out and buy a new truck, that commercial just reminded me to thank my lucky starts that I'm not a farmer.
Carl's Jr:
Many of you know of my love for Carl's Jr, but the problem I have with their commercials is that they always feature nearly-naked models eating the burgers. First of all, there's no way that chick is ever even considering going to CJ's. Not a chance. And second of all, I like eating at Carl's Jr because their food is good! The on-screen hotties do nothing for me. Doesn't excite me in the slightest and certainly doesn't make me think, "Mmm... I could really go for a fresh cod sandwich right about now." Just drop the ladies and show me the burger. That's all I need.
Go Daddy:
Hands down, this was the worst, most awkward commercial of the entire evening. Remember it? Of course you do - and that's precisely what they wanted. They wanted people talking about their commercial and they got it. But watching that smokin' babe make out with that nerdy guy "Walter" for 30 seconds was the most uncomfortable I've felt in a long, long time - especially considering that my parents and grandfather were in the same room with me. I think I started to sweat a little bit. Plus, there was that NASTY - NASTY - sound of sloppy kissing the entire time. Absolutely disgusting. I had to close my eyes and try to focus on something else.
What about the good commercials, though? Which ad spots did you think were the best from last Sunday? Here are a few of my favorites:
Hyundai playground football:
Remember that commercial with the kids playing schoolyard pick-em football? The little scrawny kid was left out and the bullies told him he could play if he brought his own team. The kid grabs his mom (in her Hyundai car, of course) and goes to pick up his friends - two brothers, by the looks of it, pumping some major iron in their driveway, an underaged welder, and a kid who has a grizzly bear wrapped up by the throat - using his legs. Sooo awesome. I want to be friends with those guys.
Tide "Miracle Stain":
I liked this commercial, which slyly mocked all those hokey pieces of bread with the Virgin of Guadalupe miraculously toasted into them and other such nonsense. A stain on one man's shirt appears to resemble famous 49ers quarterback, Joe Montana. The shirt makes him millions of dollars, gets him a new house, and fame and fortune ensue... until his wife washes the shirt, completely washing away the stain. She's a Ravens fan.
Taco Bell "Viva Young":
Even more than the shenanigans of the old people in this commercial, the best part of the whole spot was hearing "We Are Young" by Fun. in Spanish. That's a beautiful thing.
Overall, I thought it was a very good Super Bowl game. Sadly, I thought it should have been a blowout win for the Ravens. After they returned that kickoff to start the second half, I thought the game was OVER. O-VER. I envisioned a 30+-point victory for Baltimore, but then the Superdome had to go and blow a fuse... What the heck? I mean, why couldn't they just play with the lights off? Who needs the scoreboard? As I think back on my glorious lifetime of pick-up football games in the backyard, I don't ever recall there being stadium lighting or electronics in general involved, whatsoever! And look at me! I turned out mostly all right. Let the boys play! After the 34-minute delay as we awaited lights up in the nosebleeds, all the momentum that the Ravens had going their way was gone and San Francisco actually made a game out of it. I admit - I started to sweat a little bit there at the end and I really had no idea who was going to win, but, in the end, the good guys came out with the win... and it's weird to me that I've reached a point in my life where I would even consider calling the 49ers the "bad guys," but hey - when you put Alex Smith in perpetual "time out," you're a "bad guy." Long live Alex Smith and long live the Utes!
Other noteworthy moments from the game included Ray Lewis, at long last, riding off, victorious, into the sunset. The guy was a great motivational speaker, a fantastic leader, a dominant linebacker, and a pretty sketchy human being. And finally, I'd like to congratulate Joe Flacco for the F-bomb heard 'round the world. It was shocking and it was hilarious because "F-bomb" started trending on Twitter like five minutes later.
"#*@($!#&!!!"
This may not really come as a shock to any of you, but occasionally I write about things that I don't like. Something I don't like is Beyonce. I can't stand Beyonce. You know why? Because I don't think that America should give a flying flip about what celebrities say about politics. Beyonce had some pretty classless stuff to say about my buddy Mitt Romney - and it's fine to have your own political beliefs and stuff - but it's not like she's one of the great political minds of the Modern Age - she's BEYONCE! Who freakin' cares what you have to say?! I just think it's sickening that Americans look to these brain-dead celebrities for political advice. How about you think about it, you pray about it, and you make your own dang decision, huh? Don't just go vote for John Kerry because Jack Black told you to. That's just stupid. Everybody was going nuts about Beyonce's halftime show and that drove me a little crazy, too, you know... seeing all this "QUEEN BEY FOR PRESIDENT!!" nonsense filling up my Twitter feed. NO. I honestly wouldn't know, though, whether her performance was good because we had to pause it during a glimpse where no practically-naked, girating Black chicks were on the screen and fast forward to live TV 15 minutes later so my grandpa didn't have a heart attack. So I don't care if everybody and their dog loves Beyonce and worships the ground she walks on and adores her overly-large thighs, which I affectionately refer to as "Texas" and "Alaska," because this is my blog and I say BOOOOOO!!
In other news, at least three times in the last week, I have been laughed at (to my face) for telling a girl that I like going to Disneyland. What's up with that? Did I miss something and now Disneyland is not the Happiest Place on Earth or something? Luckily, the conversation didn't last long enough for me to tell them that I one day aspire to be a Jungle Cruise skipper. I can't imagine they'd have taken that well.
Last night I actually gathered my courage and went to another combined, four-ward Family Home Evening activity. (Let's be honest - I went for the food...) The fliers they'd sent out on Sunday to advertise the activity promoted pulled pork sandwiches (yum) and "games," which is basically code for "come sit in a circle of folding chairs with a bunch of weirdos." I wanted food, though, so I went. They were playing some weird dice game, which I later learned is called "Bunco," and I wasn't totally thrilled about that. I didn't even understand how the heck to play the dang game for the first half-hour. Eventually, I caught on, though, having a couple really good rounds, which was exciting. A lot of my success, I truly believe, was fueled by people laughing at my answers to the "get to know you" questions they kept forcing us to answer. You laugh at my response, I dominate you in dice. Boom. At the end of the night, they asked for the person with the highest score to step forward. My final teammate of the night had a total of 65 points for the second and determining round. I had a total of 72 points. I looked around as they called for somebody with a higher score than 72, but, to my astonishment, I was the victor, the champion, the ultimate winner!! That's right! I beat probably around 100 or 150 other people for the grand prize. It was beautiful. So... take that, dumb girl that told me that Disneyland and Mexico are boring vacation! YEAH!!!
My sideburns are looking great. They're very underrated.
The Shoutout of the Week goes to Blanca and Elfego from Kinston, North Carolina. During that obscene halftime show, our home phone rang. My mom answered and seemed to be having a hard time understanding whoever was on the other line. "You've got the wrong number," I heard her say. I didn't think much of it until she said, "My son Aaron?" Apparently the person on the other end had, in broken English, been able to mutter that they were looking for "their missionary from North Carolina." My mom handed me the phone and, to my surprise, I heard the familiar voice of an older man named Elfego - the very last investigator I taught on my LDS mission, which ended nearly five years ago in February 2008! Elfego mentioned to me that he had been visiting with a pair of Spanish-speaking missionaries earlier that day and it made him think of "his missionary from Utah" that visited him so many years ago. He explained to me that he and his wife, Blanca, had been meeting with the missionaries lately and have continued "reading in the books and talking about Jesus," which is music my my returned-missionary ears. He expressed gratitude for the times that my companion, Elder Barker, and I would visit them, even though Elder Barker could not speak Spanish. He said that he often speaks about us to the current missionaries and he often spoke of the Spanish-speaking boy from Utah, who had probably gone home and gotten married and started a family by now. I informed him, regrettably, that I'm doing well, that I've graduated from college and I have a job, but I'm still completely single. He laughed. I think he thought I was joking. (Surely, from a stereotypical standpoint, I must be, right??) I spoke with Blanca, who also asked me if I was married already. Blanca is also doing well and still sounds exactly the same as she did five years ago. They asked me when I would return to North Carolina and gave me a standing offer that they will make me an authentic Mexican dinner whenever I want. I would love to take them up on that offer. Speaking with them brought back a flood of great memories from my mission, which has been weighing on my mind as I approach the five-year anniversary of stepping back off the plane and into Salt Lake International. Those were some good times. Much better times, in fact. I would go back tomorrow if they'd let me. Good times. Great times.
That's about it for this week, kiddos. Sorry for another late Issue. It's hard to get this out in a timely manner when you're stuck training newbies at work on Tuesdays. Oh well. There you go. Enjoy the blog while it lasts. Because it will end eventually, whether you like it or not. Happy Tuesday to you.
Until next Time,
Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.
Aaron
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