Signs of the Times, Issue No. 247 - 02/12/13

Caaaaaaaaan... anybuuuuuuuuuddddyyyyy.... Find me-hee-ee-eeeee..... Somebody tooo-oooooooo.....

Greetings to one and all. My name is Aaron. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Coming your way is another lovely edition of my illustrious and ground-breaking Newsletter, which I'm sure two or three or quite possibly even four of you will really enjoy. Topics to be discussed: love of the game, love of travel, excessive love of one's self, love of cheesy greeting cards and other such nonsense, love of a sharp-dressed man with tuxedo and a Walther PPK, and something I seriously can't understand for the love of all that is good in this world. On we go.

I know a lot of you out there hate baseball and think it's absolutely preposterous that I would ever do such a thing as watching a baseball game on TV - or even in person, for that matter... I mean... what a waste of money, right?? But it recently dawned on me why I think I love baseball so much. My ward has recently started playing churchball with the stake, but I have yet to attend any of the games, mainly due to other responsibilities I've had to take care of at that particular point in the week. I could have gone last week, but chose not to, largely due to the feeling of dread that washed over me as I thought about running up and down the court and playing competitively. Don't get me wrong, I love playing. I played almost every week last winter and I had a lot of fun, but, since then, the only times I've played basketball, "competitive" is not a word you'd even consider using to describe my style of play. I go to the gym a couple times a week, but mainly stick to pumping iron (obviously) and I usually don't do a whole lot of cardio. Whenever I do hop on the treadmill for a mile or so, I usually go home and either take a two-hour nap or puke, so that's no good. To make a long story short (too late), the mere thought of running up and down a basketball court even, like, five or six times makes me exhausted. Then I thought back to the times last summer when we'd play stake softball... I'd never miss a game of stake softball. I freakin' love stake softball, dang it. Now, why do I love it so? After pausing for a moment or two to compare the pros and cons of churchball and stake softball, the conclusion was easy to make. In stake softball, all you really have to do is stand out in the outfield and pray that they don't hit the ball over your head. In the event that they do hit the ball in your direction, you jog over, pick the ball up, throw it to second base, then go back and pick grass in deep left-center until the next batter. On the offensive end, all you have to do is hit the ball, then run like mad until they throw you out at first. Then back to the bench you go for another three innings. It's wonderful. It's a great sport for old men like me that like to live vicariously through the pitcher and first baseman, while still getting a little enjoyment out of it. I love baseball soooo much. It's beautiful. And I'm secretly trying to find an excuse to purchase MLB TV this early before Spring Training. Hey, pitchers and catchers reported yesterday. That's good enough, right?

Welcome back!

I'm trying to go on another vacation this year. Of course everyone remembers my illustrious Texas trip from last year, which you voted to be the best thing that happened in 2012. You should also, undoubtedly, remember that I begged and begged for my friends to accompany on my trip and I still ended up going alone. I don't understand people sometimes. Like, "Hey, guys! Who wants to have fun and go on vacation with me? ... ... ... Please? ... ... Anybody...? ... ... ..." Unbelievable. So anyway, I want to get out of here again this year and I'm looking for somebody to go with. The problem is that, with one or two exceptions (you know who you are), I believe that most of my non-married, male friends are really, really lame when it comes to this stuff. I have had quite a few girls volunteer to go with me, but (sorry, ladies) there's no way in heck that's going to happen. What am I supposed to do? Go alone with a girl on a long trip? Sounds nice, sounds fun, but uh... where would we sleep? Certainly not in the same room! So we're going to have to book TWO hotel rooms everywhere we go, then? That sounds pricy... Plus, that would give them the impression that I'm interested in marrying them and spending the rest of my life alone with them, which is probably almost entirely false at this point in my life... so... sorry. Or how about this - since I don't want to be ALONE with one girl, how about I just take multiple girls with me? That'd be exciting... (And yes, I'm sure I could do this and that I'd have multiple very eagerly willing participants. Shocker, I know, for all you people that think I couldn't get a date to save my life. I've always said that I'm not desperate to get married. If I were desperate, I could have been married long, long ago.) Anyway, yeah. That's not happening, either. I'd be totally fine just going on vacation alone again, but I don't think it would be that much fun to wander around Disneyland or San Diego's Comic-Con expo all alone for a week. It'd be cool, but it would be freaking lonely. So... That's probably not going to happen, either. Here's my final plea: I'm going on vacation. I am. Don't doubt me because I went to Texas last August, didn't I? I'm getting the heck out of here, whether you like it or not. GENTLEMEN (read: guys, men, males, etc.) - I am either going to Comic Con in San Deigo in mid-July or I'm going to Anaheim the first week of May. At least one baseball game will be involved. It's going to be glorious. But I need somebody to go with. It will be the trip of a lifetime, I assure you. But I need to know if you're interested so we can put the proverbial pedal to the metal. Comic-Con tickets go on sale this early Saturday morning and will sell like hotcakes (assuming you live an a place where hotcakes are really, really popular). That's what I'm shooting for. If I can get in, I'm going. If not, I'm going to Anaheim in May. Who's with me?? Let me know ASAP.


I watched the Grammys on Sunday night. All three and a half hours of them. And, you know what? Did I Feel Good About Myself after having done so? No, not really. I actually felt like I wasted my entire night. Unless you really worship those people (which, in fairness, a lot of people do), I'm not sure that there's much of a reason to watch those awards shows, other than simply having something to talk about around the water cooler the next day. So... I'm not totally sure I'll be watching the Grammys in the future. Not the whole thing from start to finish, anyway.

By the way, I know this is old news, but whoever thought it was a good idea to have Carly Rae Jepsen and Owl City do a song together should be slapped.


I had a funny experience last night - and I don't tell you this to try to get sympathy or anything; I tell you this to show you the kind people I encounter on a weekly basis as a single, Mormon man. Last night I was talking to a girl, you know, nothing creepy or weird... but just, like, "Hey, how's your night going?" and things of that nature. I had barely said anything to her at all when she told me, "I'm not sure that we'd be compatible." A little dumbfounded, I asked her how she could be so certain about that, since she knew nothing about me at all. "You're not physically my type," she responded. Perplexed, I jokingly asked if she only dated body builders or something. Awkwardly, she responded, "Yeah, kind of." I laughed out loud. SERIOUSLY?? So that was hilarious and I ended the conversation right there. Absolutely incredible. ...and let's just say that she was no Miss Universe herself, so I really have no idea where some girls get these incredibly superficial standards.


That's a nice segue to Valentine's Day, that day so beloved by many, which is upon us in just a few short days. You know, I really hate Valentine's Day. A lot of people hate it because it's a reminder that they haven't gone on a date in four months or whatever... good old "Singles Awareness Day"... but I just hate it because I think it's stupid. I really hope that I get married on Valentine's Day or I get engaged on Valentine's Day or I marry somebody who was born on Valentine's Day or something because then at least I'd have a reason to look forward to it. Why do we seriously have to set aside one day a year for husbands and boyfriends to go buy a huge box of chocolates or some eloquently-written Hallmark card or plan some romantic candle-light dinner (all of which will probably not ever live up to the ridiculous expectations of Hollywood)? How about we just spread everything out throughout the entire year or something? Like... set aside a day or two per month where you go out and do something nice with each other. Bring home some flowers one day after work. I don't know... I just think it's stupid that we have all this build up to one single day where the women expect something totally out of this world that will not only confirm that their significant other is the most romantic man on the planet, but also keep Hallmark and See's in business? It's dumb and I'm glad, for one day, that I don't have to participate in it again this year. So... Good luck to the rest of you gentlemen out there. I hope she's not completely disappointed.

Tenderness.

Let's talk about something else that I actually love. (That's multiple things that I don't hate in the same Issue. Can you believe it?? Anyway, where was I? Oh yes...) SKYFALL!! The latest undertakings of Commander Bond are out on DVD and Blu-ray today - on a Tuesday, no less - and you can bet your sweet bippy that I'm gonna swing by and pick it up later because I love that movie. I thought, at the time that I originally saw it in theaters, that it was the best James Bond movie ever, and back then I had only seen like eight or nine Bond films. At this point, in the midst of a Bond mega-marathon I'm conducting in my Man Cave, I've seen... (*counting on fingers*) 15 or 16 of the 23 movies and fully intend on watching the rest of them, too, and I can confirm that "Skyfall" is the greatest Bond film of all time (unless somehow Timothy Dalton just blows my mind away in "The Living Daylights" or something). I wasn't a huge fan of Daniel Craig (and I still like Pierce Brosnan the most), but D.C. rocks it in "Skyfall." Also, I believe that Javier Bardem is one of the best (read:worst) villains in Bond history. That guy is evil. It's amazing. Additionally, I think "Skyfall" has the best Bond girls of all time (note: I didn't say most attractive, but BEST). No spoilers, though. But she's incredible in the movie. It's just awesome awesome awesome and I have a brother that refuses to watch it because he hates James Bond but I will say to my dying day that "Skyfall" is amaaaaaazing and Austin is missing out because it's so great. In fact, you know what, Austin actually just texted me about "Skyfall" coming out on video and I told him to feel free to not invite himself over when I watched it. I can't watch it tonight, sadly, so I might as well save it for another day this week. I've got a brilliant idea... I've got myself a date for Valentine's Day - and my date's name is... Bond. James Bond.

Jimmy!

The next season of "The Amazing Race" starts up again on Sunday. Seems like the last one ended like four weeks ago, right? Well guess what? None of you care when I recap the episodes and I'm just plain ticked at CBS, so I'm not going to recap the episodes anymore. Maybe I'll comment here and there, but I'm not going to waste my time typing about something nobody cares about except for me. Oh wait, that's like my entire blog. Hmm... I'll be keeping that in mind. Anyway, let me tell you why I'm ticked off at CBS. I'm ticked off at CBS because I recently accepted the sad fact that they will never - EVER - choose the Brothers Christensen to be on their show. Why, though? Probably because we'd dominate everybody in such a hardcore fashion that it wouldn't even be fun to watch. We would rock everyone from here to China and back (literally), so that's lame. Also, I think CBS is so set on only selecting attractive, twin sister, former-Olympian, medical school graduates that there will never be room for two normal Mormon boys. So that sucks. Their loss. And ours, too, obviously, because we want that grand prize, dang it! BOOOOOO!! to that! Freak. The other reason why I'm so upset about this lately is that I recently saw the commercial that everyone was telling me about, publicizing the rumor that three - count 'em, THREE - teams quit the show before the end of the first leg of the Race. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!? The Brothers Christensen would NEVER quit! Somebody get CBS on the phone. This is a bunch of bull. Why won't they let us on the show?? Six of the people they chose this time don't even want to be there! Ugh. This is sickening. I need to talk about something else. Um...
The Shoutout of the Week goes to my co-workers who somehow manage to keep a straight face every time I tell a joke. I don't know how they do it. That is really impressive, though, because I am HILARIOUS.


That's about it for this week, kiddos. Another week, another blog in the books. What time does WalMart close? Oh yeah. Never. I've got a DVD/Blu-ray combo pack to go pick up.


Until next Time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

Aaron