Greetings to one and all. Ah, it's a good Tuesday here at "Signs of the Times"... Oh yes. I do have quite a bit to talk about today, thanks to some of you, who gave me some great suggestions for topics! Wait, what? Did I actually just give credit to other people instead of hogging it all for myself? Wow. Has that ever happened before? I'm not entirely sure that it has. Right there, you should be able to tell that there is something magical in the air on this Tuesday. Topics to be discussed: Brain freeze, my first-ever public karaoke performance, haters, holiday dating, the worst Christmas songs, and one of the gayest things I've ever seen on TV. Literally. Let's all hold hands for a moment and step slowly into the fireplace. We're traveling by Floo Network in tonight's "Signs of the Times"... On we go!
Every morning, I back out of my driveway at around 6:40 AM. Every morning, there are these speed walkers going around my block. Every morning, I'm afraid I'm going to back into them and just run them clean over. It troubles me. But what troubles me even more is the mere fact that they're out and walking around my block at 6:40 in the morning. I'm not a runner by any stretch of the imagination. Let's get that straight. So I've got nothing but respect for people who have the will power to get up and go for a jog in the mornings. Or the afternoons. Or really at any time of day, come to think of it. There are about a billion other things I can think of that I'd rather be doing. What I can't understand is what on Earth these people are trying to prove! It was freezing cold yesterday morning and there they were... walking to their hearts' content... It's like every time I see a jogger while it's raining outside. You know... Good job, buddy, but seriously, here's a great idea for you: why don't you wait until it stops raining? And here's something you can put on your Christmas list - a treadmill! ["Signs of the Times" - Cleaning up the streets since 2008!]
Go! Go! Go!
Last night, my ward combined with another group of singles and had ourselves a little karaoke night. I tried my darndest not to show up on time. In fact, after a later-than-usual dinner and watching "The Voice," I figured I'd go show up for ten or fifteen minutes and be on my merry way. Needless to say, they roped me into singing with a couple other guys in the ward before I could avoid detection. Thankfully, at least it wasn't a solo and at least the other guys didn't really remember how the song went, either. (It's been a long time since 1997, ok?) Question: Do you have to be drunk in order to enjoy karaoke? I mean, I was there last night, I was sober, and it was really, really rough... Joking, kind of, not really. I do believe, in all honesty, that you've got to be a certain kind of person to really get into karaoke. I'm fine doing Rock Band. That's a little bit different. But when it comes to straight-up karaoke, I feel totally comfortable singing from my seat on the back row.
These people like karaoke. They are also drunk.
Jordan Holmes said I should blog about finals and how terrible they are. I'm not really sure what he's referring to. If it's something scholastic, that doesn't concern me. I'm too cool for school. The only finals that I hate are the NBA Finals. I hate that crap. Michael Jordan ruined my life. I seriously cried as he illegally lit up that cigar at mid-court in the Delta Center. Freak. I can't talk about it. Too many painful memories.
Andrea Chapman told me to blog about how creepy, stupid, and annoying the Elf on the Shelf is. I hadn't ever heard of it, so I had to Google it. Apparently it's some... plush elf doll that, uh, sits on a shelf? Is that a good way to describe it? Like, what the heck is this thing? Do people, like, buy it? Is it for, like, children? Is it, like a joke? Like, I'm not sure I'm totally on board here. And that annoys me to the brink of stupidity. So, that's, like... creepy.
What the heck is this thing??
Ed Rothlisberger has recently been a little distressed due to the number of ulta-informative posts by his married Facebook friends. I've noticed similar posts from my married acquaintances and, yes, Ed, they are quite troublesome. It all starts out when somebody gets engaged. Then practically every time I get online, I'm bombarded by pictures of them making out with their fiancee whilst riding horseback or some cutesy little picture of their shoes in an abandoned railroad yard or something. First of all, where did all the rusty train cars come from and why hasn't the state junked them yet? Secondly, I know all your little girlfriends love seeing that garbage, but, as a single Mormon man, I'm not particularly fond of seeing you lovebirds locking lips up and down my news feed. Matters only get worse once the couple actually ties the knot. Because then, you know, they can... well... let's just say I had to unfriend somebody after seeing one too many statuses about his much-improved post-matrimonial nocturnal activities. Are you trying to brag or do you think that people actually want to know about that? Inevitably, the marriage progresses and that newly-discovered night life produces little ones. Pregnancy leads to a bunch of girls posting pictures of their pregnant bellies, which I, for one, find to be nasty. I'm sure it'll be different when my wife (wherever she is) gets pregnant and has a kid (mine, preferably), but right now I'm 100% uninterested of pregnant ladies flaunting their self-proclaimed "baby bumps" - and I HATE that term, by the way. Nine months later, the kids are born, which brings about a brand new array of status updates, ranging from sleep deprivation to detailed illness updates, and, in what appears to be a recent fad, posting naked pictures of children - including frontal shots of girl toddlers. What the heck is up with that?! Keep that stuff private, parents! Then, of course, there are the potty training statuses. I know this is probably super cool for parents and married couples - and do pardon the crudity of this next reference - but I do not want to know every time that your child pulls a Kobe Bryant and poops his "big boy pants." Keep it to yourself, people.
Has reality TV ruined America? I'm not talking about the awesome kind of reality TV like "Survivor" or any of the awesome shows that I watch, but I'm talking about "reality" TV - in the sense that some spoiled brats pay a couple cameramen to follow them around while they break commandments. I think that shows like "Jersey Shore" and all that garbage has turned America, at large, into a nation of artificially-beautified, entitled, shallow, lazy sissies. One thing I've been seeing a lot on social networking sites lately is people referring to their "haters," as if there is a group of people out there that exist for the mere purpose of bagging on them and trying to tear them down consistently. For instance, I saw a picture that somebody posted on Facebook the other day that was a meme of some generic "cougar" woman all dressed up in her gym clothes. The caption said something along the lines of "Haters can kiss my six-pack abs. Don't trip on the 30-lb dumbbells on the way out." Classy. Whether or not these "haters" actually exist is somewhat debatable, but think about it - if they do exist, WHY do they exist? Is it that you are inherently greater than everyone else, thus everyone wants to be you, but can't (obviously), so they seek your public downfall? Or is it because you've put on so much make up and have created such an enormous ego for yourself with your arrogance and self-supremacy that everyone just hates your guts because they think you're a phony, unrealistic jerk and that you look frightening without the layers and layers of foundation? Maybe if you worked as hard at developing a personality and showing kindness to others as you did on your intricately-shaped eyebrows, you wouldn't have as many "haters." Carb-free food for thought. Wouldn't want to ruin those six-pack abs.
You wish. How old are you? Twelve?
Another suggestion I received for today's Newsletter is a bit of a touchy one, but I like it, so I'm going to talk about it. If you don't like it, don't read it. The topic at hand is dating during the holidays. I suppose this could apply to any major holiday like Valentine's Day, etc., but we'll take it in the context of Christmas for our purposes this evening. The Question that was raised to me was about gift-giving. When should you give somebody a nice gift? For example, would a guy who has been on two or three dates with a girl be under the same obligation to his significant other as a man who has been married for 20 years? Better yet - what if he has been on two or three dates with two or three girls? Ah! That's where things get exciting. That's the predicament that many a young man finds himself in these days. What if he gives a small gift to the girl(s) he is interested in simply out of common courtesy? How will the girl take it? Will she think that he's getting serious? Will she then feel the same responsibility to get him a gift? Tricky.
I, for one, have never been in a situation where I have had a serious girlfriend for any major holiday, so it confuses the heck out of me. I suppose that, on one hand, the holidays would be the ideal time to be in an exclusive relationship, but, on the other hand, there are problems that would come with it, too. Being in an exclusive, not-yet-married relationship would (you would think) entail pretty much 100% commitment to the significant other during the holiday, whether at your family's place or theirs, would it not? Exclusive, not-yet-married relationships generally entail a fancy gift. How else would you woo them to one day accept your proposal?? Right now, all the married couples are in outrage, thinking, "That's not true! I've had lots of nice, inexpensive gifts from my husband!" Yeah. Your husband. When he was only your boyfriend, I'm sure he did lots of expensive things for you. You deny that, too, but ask him - that stuff was pricey, wasn't it, fellas? Once you're married, I assume that the over-the-top gifts kind of die down since your husband isn't (hopefully) competing with the affections of other eligible suitors. You're able to settle down and just enjoy each others' company without the need for limo rides around Temple Square and dinner at The Roof. So... that bites. Luckily, I guess, I'm not in an exclusive relationship that would require such nonsense.
Let's talk non-exclusive dating for a second, shall we? That's me right now. I'm dating and I'm not exclusive with anybody. (Oh boy, this paragraph is really going to steam some carrots, isn't it? Oh well. Whatever.) What are the downsides of non-exclusive holiday dating? Well, to be quite honest, sometimes you get a little lonely after 26 years, you know? Maybe you don't know since Ed and I are the only two single people that read the Newsletter, so whatever. But I think it would be exciting to be dating somebody seriously during the holidays. There's a lot of cool stuff out there that you can do. Don't get me wrong - you can do a lot of fun stuff with people if you're not exclusively dating, but it just gets to be rather expensive to be taking a different girl out every other Friday. It would be nice to know that all that time and money was eventually going to lead to something. By taking out several different girls, you're guaranteed that all of them except for maybe one (maybe) will end up being just a bunch of nice memories and nothing more. What are the benefits of non-exclusive holiday dating? Um... well, you don't have to spend time with anybody else's family. That's cool, unless you hate your own family, I'd care to venture. I like my family, though, so I'm fine hanging with them and doing Rock Band's Endless Setlist and watching "Jingle All The Way" in my Christmas PJs with a Christmas plate of hot Christmas cookies. Other benefits... Not having to buy nice stuff for anybody, probably? If - and I mean IF - I get any presents for girls I'm currently spending my precious time with, I'll probably just make a quick run to the local Dollar Tree and call it good. (Hahaha JOKING!! Geez...)
In the end, I think we've all got a lot more to be stressed about than holiday dating. Why can't everybody just take a chill pill? Just because you go on a date with somebody between Thanksgiving and New Year's doesn't mean you have to marry them. Just take it easy and have fun without the ridiculous fairy tale expectations. And, by the way, despite what misleading holiday commercials may lead you to believe, every kiss does NOT begin with "Kay." (*Laughing out loud*) I'm not going to finish that thought. Not that I'd know from experience or anything... Uh... Next topic.
This kiss starts with "M."
What's the most annoying Christmas song? I've got a few that (Please don't smite me down!) I really don't care for very much, the chief of which would have to be "Silent Night," the most over-sung Christmas song EVER. (Now, like all you sarcastic, smart-alec punks have been known to do, I know you'll bombard me with that song every time I'm around you. PUNKS!) Really, though, I think there was one year that we sang "Silent Night" about 30 times leading up to Christmas Eve. I'm pretty positive that there was at least one week when we sang it as the opening, closing, and Sacrament hymn. It's not even a Sacrament song!! What the heck is up with that? Why can't America be obsessed with a cool Christmas song like "Far, Far Away on Judea's Plains" or "Hark the Harold Angels Sing"? I think there have been years where I haven't even sung some of the more upbeat, exciting hymns. Why?? Why must we focus on "Silent Night," of all the blessed carols?? WHY?! I hate it!! [Make sure you stop by the blog site this week to vote for your least favorite Christmas song. Or don't. Whatever.]
The latest season of "The Amazing Race" came to a close on Sunday night. Allow me to impart my final thoughts on the finale and the entire season, as a whole. Spolers abound.
Again with the shameless promotion of Ford vehicles!! What is up with that, CBS?? Why don't you just send a Ford salesman to every home in America to watch the show and answer any questions along the way? Annoying. The alliance of the Twinnies, the Chippies, and the Texies was probably one of the sloppies such alliances I have seen on any show in quite a while. I mean, when you have to stop your car in the middle of the road to tell the other teams in the alliance that you're still in an alliance, that's just plain idiotic. Hey, remember how last week the demonic Twinnies finished in last place? Well, they had to do a "Speed Bump" challenge that was more like a 10-minute time out or something because it was a piece of cake and didn't even delay them at all, so that was dumb. As the Twinnies and the Goaties duked it out in what I like to call the "Flight of the Bad Navigators," I was astounded at the downright rudeness demonstrated by the Sri Lankans. Not to get into ethics or religion or politics or anything like that, but it should come as no surprise to anyone that I'm as straight as they come, but with Natalie and Nadiya constantly referring to the homosexual Goat Farmers as the "evil gays" was incredibly condescending, inconsiderate, and un-called for, in my opinion. Whether they're gay or not, they've got names, you know? Or you could just refer to them as the Goat Farmers, "those guys," or a variety of other things that are nicer than calling them "evil gays" over and over. Thankfully, mercifully, and at long-freakin'-last, the Twinnies were sent home to H-E-Double-Toothpicks where they belong as Josh and Brent, who I felt deserved to go home about four weeks ago, pulled out a close one in a race to the next-to-last pit stop, solidifying their spot in the final three with the Chippendales and Trey and Lexi (who looked particularly dominant in the first hour of the show).
I believe that some of the challenges in the final episode could have caused a lot of frustration for the Brothers Christensen. One thing that I learned from watching this season is to remain calm under any circumstance. Oh, and to read the clues, too. Yeah. Some sections of the home stretch brought poor Lexi to tears (granted, she was a bit of a cry baby...), and we'd have to find ways to, first, stay calm individually, but also maintain patience as a team. Back to the episode. As cool as it would be to travel the world as part of the cast, I think that as soon as I got back to the United States - even if they sent me to Wyoming or Ogden or some horrible place like that - I would be SOOOOO happy to be back in America. As the teams made their way to Coney Island in New York, Trey and Lexi needed to be sneakier as they wrote down the location for the next clue and the Chippendales needed to be more observant in finding clues at point-blank range. Incredible. Contestants were forced to make a Houdini-like escape from a straight jacket while being suspended hundreds of feet above the concrete ground by a crane before plummeting into a bungee drop. That would be very scary. But, as I've said all along, I can do anything, eat anything, go anywhere, as long as I keep thinking in the back of my mind, "$1 Million... $1 Million..." That's all the motivation you need. Later, the teams made their way to a pizzeria, to which Lexi commented in a panicked tone, "Oh my gosh, I hope I don't have to eat pizza!" Are you kidding me?? In the end, it wasn't an eating challenge, after all, but a routine of memorized pizza delivery. The Goat Farmers tripped up and allowed the Chippendales to catch up, but Trey and Lexi, poised to win, made their way to the UN, where they were all asked to recall salutations in the language of every country they had visited during the Race. It would have been extremely difficult - and you could tell that each companionship was mentally exhausted after hours of matching hellos and goodbyes.
Despite a huge head start, Lexi broke down into crocodile tears and the other teams caught up, ending in a taxi cab race between the Goat Farmers and the Chippendales. Cut to the finish line. There's Phil. Good old Phil, the Kiwi, surrounded by all of the previously-eliminated teams. The camera spins to show the entrance to the building and it's......... Josh and Brent! The oft-called "Beekman Boys" had defied the odds and come from WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY behind on multiple occasions in order to win the $1 Million prize! I kind of felt bad for them during the episode as all the other teams ganged up on them and verbally degraded them behind their backs. But any and all of that pity flew right out the window as they congratulated each other with a gigantic kiss on the lips. NASTY!! Wow. Disgusting. I actually found myself covering my eyes with my hand like a little child. Ick. Anyway, my final thoughts about the Goat Farmers winning it all are simply these: They finished in last place and were saved by non-elimination legs, what?, twice? Under normal circumstances, they should have been eliminated before they even got close to the finals. Another thing or two that totally saved them from their tremendous time deficits were travel and business closures. If nothing else, their unlikely victory proves that Austin and I wouldn't need to absolutely dominate everyone every single week. All you need to do is hang around long enough by the proverbial skin of your teeth and, eventually, it's anybody's game. But, as if there were doubt in any of your minds, we wouldn't need to worry about that because we would dominate every single week. You know it to be true, CBS! Select us, the Brothers Christensen to represent you and win the next season of "The Amazing Race"!!
If THESE GUYS can do it, so can we, dang it.
The Fantasy Football Star of the Week is my very own Cameron Newton of the Carolina Panthers, who, thanks largely in part to a monster 72-yard touchdown scamper, ended up with 57.58 fantasy points. Of course, that doesn't mean much, as I'm still 150 points out of third place. Dang it to heck.
Cameron.
The Shoutout of the Week goes to Laura Nielsen. I'm not sure if she reads the blog or not, but she sure loves the Feel Good About Yourself Tuesday Facebook group. Thanks for the support. You're a winner in my heart and in everyone else's, too. Great, great job.
That's about it for this week, kiddos. That's another masterpiece of a blog, if you ask me, so all I have to say now is......... EAT IT, HATERS!!
Until next Time,
Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.
Aaron
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