Signs of the Times, Issue No. 217 - 07/17/12

Avoid them because they're educated idiots.

Greetings to one and all. Hello, hello, hello. It's another marvelous Tuesday - and part of what made it so marvelous was that I came home to a couple of hot pizzas. Woo. Well, well, well... What have we to talk about in this Issue? Topics to be discussed today: an update from the A-Town Department of Travel; an addition to the A-Town Bucket List; another shallow, self-proclaimed celebrity; all my artsy acquaintances; a couple controversial comments; and the actual, factual existence of a magical place called Utah. On we go!

I need to publicly apologize to all of you for lying in my last Newsletter. I was so very, very excited to be going on a vacation here next week, but due to an unforeseen hike in last-minute plane tickets, I've had to postpone that trip for the time being. I won't be going on vacation next week, much to my dismay, but I do still plan on taking the trip hopefully sometime in the next month and a half or so, once I can find less-expensive airfare. I'll keep you posted, but consider my foot inserted, so to speak. [Editor's note: Plane tickets for August are currently half the price they were for July tickets last week. Nice.]


Now that, as of last week, it's my dream to travel all across the United States, I've added another location to my bucket list - Comic Con. Yes, it's true. Judge me. All of you, judge me. I think it looks awesome. Obviously, there are some super, super nerdy people that go there and I'm not entirely sure I'd want to dress up in costume or anything like that (though I did consider it last night during my pre-bedtime ponderings), but I think it would just be fun to go to, being the pop culture geek that I am. I'm seriously thinking about going. It's a year away now since Comic Con 2012 just ended this past weekend, but at least that will give me plenty of time to get cold feet.

Geeks unite!

Sometimes I go see movies. Shocker. I've seen good movies, I've seen bad movies. I've got my tickets to go see the final installment in the Batman trilogy on Saturday. $5.50 matinee, babies! Isn't that sickening? I think when I first started working at Jordan Commons back in high school it was like $4.25 for a matinee or something like that. That'd sure be nice nowadays. Hmmph! You know what I don't like about movies? Paying full price for a movie that is all but out the door on its way to the dollar theater. Why pay full price for a movie that you could see one week later for one-eighth of the cost? Here's my idea - movie prices in the "big boy" theaters should gradually decrease based on the amount of time it has been out. Huh?? Who's with me?

Jessica Turner wanted me to blog about how time is speeding up. So that explains how my alarm clock always gets to be eight minutes fast... Interesting...

One of my EFY girls just became a Utah Jazz dancer. Well, to be technical, she wasn't my EFY girl - I was a BC at the time and didn't get any kids - but it was a girl that I befriended one week. So... that's... interesting. I guess that pretty much guarantees that I'll never hear from her again, right? I mean, we're still "friends" on Facebook, but, unlike many other of my EFY children, she was never really one to go out of her way to talk to me or see how I'm doing - not that I was heartbroken about it or anything... just an observation. This leads me to ponder. How does one become "better" than anyone else? Are we so concerned with looks and career paths that those things seriously elevate us higher than other less-attractive, less-successful people? That's just weird to me. I try to be nice. Every once in a while I try to go out of my way to check up on people (which is generally met with a response along the lines of "why the heck are you talking to me, you creep?"), but I don't see that a whole lot coming from others. There are some of you out there that are really good about being nice to everybody, but I'm just a little disturbed by the whole "now that I'm a Jazz dancer, I'm Queen of the World" mindset. Anyway, if anyone has any feedback about this or if anyone has some tips about how I can improve my street cred so I don't have to talk to normal-looking people anymore, send me an email. (Kidding, Mom.)

Shallow.

I have this app on my phone called Instagram. It's basically, like, Facebook or Twitter, but only for pictures, I guess. I admit, I only got it because I heard other people making a huge deal out of it so I figured that if I wanted to be cool, I'd better do it. Horrible philosophy, I know. So I've got it and I use it from time to time, but I honestly feel like I am a horrible photographer or that I'm just not artsy enough to hang with the IG crowd. Do you people have the app? Do you use it? How do you feel about it? I mean, I guess I don't have a good eye for super-close-ups, weird angles, and fancy lighting. Really, though, after looking at people's pictures on there for a while, I have grown so sick of looking at sunsets and pictures of people in bed with their dogs that I kind of want to puke. Oh, and another thing. Why do people take such zoomed-in pictures of their faces? It's like... I can only see you from the eyebrows to the collar bone. ZOOM. OUT. Does that not bother anyone else? Holy crap, people. Maybe this is another thing that makes you cooler than everyone else. "Here, people. This is what I look like sideways without makeup at dusk." "Hey look, I've got a dog on my head." "Here's a picture of a text that my boyfriend sent me." "Look! I'm traveling the world while you're stuck in a call center. Sucks to be you." Why do I still even have this app? And, really, how long does it take some people to add that many hashtags to their pictures?? I know it's a good way to get followers, I guess, but is it really necessary to add 20 hashtags to every single picture you take? #hashtagoverload


What was up with our fascination with reggae in the '90s? I've recently heard the '90s cover of "Lean on Me" by Club Nouveau from 1986, which was a super-popular song for assemblies when I was in elementary school and, I guess it's not that bad of a song, but when it gets into the reggae part of that song, it's like... are you serious?? Why did White in the United States people EVER think that was cool?


Speaking of stupid songs, if I hear one more version of Carly Rae Jeppson's "Call Me Maybe" (the dumbest song since Rebecca Black's "Friday"), I'm going to punch somebody in the face.


Here is my Tweet of the Week:
Is the size of a wedding ring proportionate to the insecurity of the wife and her looks? #ThoughtsIHaveAtWalMart

Have any of you seen that show, "Snow White and the Huntsman"? How about that one guy's haircut, huh? That's P.M.U.!!

No wonder he always looks so upset.

Thinking retroactively, I don't think I would ever try to impress someone on a first date. First dates are overrated. Way overrated.




It's amazing the sense of empowerment that people get by hanging up a telephone unexpectedly. If that's what makes you Feel Good About Yourselves, go for it, people. Go for it.




I've had a couple requests to blog about controversial topics this week. One such suggestion was from my long-lost brother, Austin, who asked who I thought would win this upcoming presidential election. As is the case for many controversial Questions, I shall provide a controversial response. I'll tell you who is going to win the upcoming presidential election, Austin. I am. This should be a fairly well-known fact by now - I'm running for President of the United States of America. Yes, yes, I know that all my politically-conscious friends just got offended that I desecrated the law of the land or whatever. Yes, I know that there's a law that says you have to be 35 to become President... But do you think I care about one little technicality? Come on. Get with the times, people! Famous people and those who are beloved by the masses get away with stuff pretty much every day! Take Joe Paterno, for instance. People worship that guy! I, on the other hand, never liked him. Never did, never will (especially not now), but everybody else loved him and look what he got away with! So think that me saying that I will become President of the United States of America at the young age of 26 is not that outlandish, after all. I mean, look at me! I'm fairly well-respected on, like, my Mom's side of the extended family most of the time, so that's a good start, right? Join the revolution on Facebook!: http://www.facebook.com/groups/39299001556/




You know, I wasn't going to blog about it, but maybe I'll just mention it in passing. I hate bringing up controversial societal issues in my blog because one of my "smart" acquaintances or somebody who only reads the blog to call me out on my factual errors and typos always gets on my case. Apparently the Boy Scouts are not backing down on their rules preventing homosexuals from participation in the organization. And, you know what? After thinking this through a little bit, I'm not going to say anything about it at all. I know somebody would tear me apart, no matter what my personal stance was. [On second thought, I do want to say something, which will surely offend somebody - not only are the Boy Scouts of America discriminatory bigots, but they're also SEXISTS!! Boy Scouts?? BOY Scouts?? I'm OUTRAGED!!] That was sarcasm. Sometimes I wonder why certain people even pay the slightest attention to what I say. If anyone wants to discuss this topic with me, you know how to contact me. Next topic.




I think that as a Caucasian, unmarried, Mormon, Jazz fan that has lived in Utah his entire life and played the trumpet in high school, I am the most-discriminated-against person in the world. Next topic.




Sometimes I am fairly positive that people outside of Utah don't even know that Utah exists. Maybe they do know that it exists, but they have no idea where it is. It's like people think I live in Europe or something. For all they know, I DO live in Europe! If you gave me any particular state, I could name its capitol and locate it on a map (maybe with the exceptions of those little, tiny New England states like Vermont, New Hampshire, and Massachussets - but those are bad examples because I know exactly where those states are). I would almost bet that if you took a survey of 10 random Americans, maybe 5 or 6 would be able to correctly identify Utah's location, capitol city, and mailing abbreviation. Sometimes I talk to people on the East Coast who genuinely have no idea what time it would be in Mountain Time. Isn't that general knowledge? Eastern Time: +2 hours, Central Time: +1 hour, Pacific Time: -1 hour. Do people really not know this stuff? I think I knew that when I was, like, seven. And is it sad that, when people ask, "Isn't Utah next to California?", I have to answer, "Yeah, kind of." That kind of offends me, honestly. I didn't just make up "Mountain Time," you know? There's, like, a fourth of the country that's located in Mountain Time, as a matter of fact. There are actually a couple million people that live here in Utah. It's not a ghost town. We're not still stuck using the Pony Express or anything. Geez. Ignorant people!

Behold!

For the first time in four months, we have no guest blogger. Sad. We'll have one next week, I assure you.




I love threatening to boycott my Newsletter. That's when the Loyal Subscribers come out of the woodwork. You never know what you have until it's (almost) gone, right? So when I threaten to cancel the Newsletter, the masses plead for me not to cancel it and then, of course, I continue to write. On a somewhat-related, yet much less frequent note, occasionally, a Subscriber will threaten to boycott the Newsletter. One such instance was this past week when Richard Brunson informed me that his wife, Mika, refuses to read the Newsletter again until she is given a Shoutout of the Week. Well, hello, Mika, I guess. Feel free to go back and read all the preceding paragraphs now since you're just joining us. You're the proud recipient of a brand new, shiny Shoutout of the Week! You've been a supporter for years now and have sadly been hidden by the enormous shadow cast upon "Signs of the Times" by your husband and brother-in-law. BUT - I think you and your kids are great and I hope the weather is treating you well up there! Come back and visit sometime. Oh, and by the way, everyone, Mika is an incredible musician, if you didn't already know. Way to be. Good work.

And, finally, as a second Shoutout of the Week, today is Disneyland's 57th birthday. Happy birthday, Disneyland!! Ah, how I love that place. I love it very, very much.

That's about it for this week, kiddos. It's time to go watch some "America's Got Talent" and "Love in the Wild" and pray that I get retweeted by some obscure cast member. Adieu, adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Until next Time,

Move It. Sell It. And Leave the Door Open.

Aaron